Open Relationships vs. Monogamy

For all women that consider an "open relationship" or poligamy because there is no difference, consider this. Men want you physically, very little emotionally and in no case because they really love you, meaning sacrificial love. Just a thought from a man that thinks like .... men

I just joined this site because it is a great advice library and my wife and me can and will use some of them. But, texts like this are a real love and sex spoilers. Whoever wrote this definitely has some issues. I had many girlfriends and I cheated on some of them (was polygamous as you say), but in the last 12 years I never felt the desire to be with another woman. I am not blind, I recognize when I see a beautiful and successful woman, sometimes I even think of having sex with her. But at that moment I remember that I have a good-looking, extremely successful, perfect mother, ideal housewife, waiting for me at home. She is not 100% perfect, I am not 100% perfect, but that is THE POINT OF MARRIAGE AND LOVE: YOU ARE WORKING TOGETHER to achieve the highest level of satisfaction in life, love, and sex. I really feel sorry for the author of the text.

Polygamists tend to be sleazy and unattractive. It's just a turn-off. Being with someone you belong to and vice versa is just a turn-on.

Neither position has much to do with "logic" no matter how rational you might want to appear. E.g. the "argument" about genetic combinations is ridiculous. Do you really think it's practical for one man to be running around fathering several children, leaving the mothers to bear most of the burden of the child-care? Not "logical" (or practical) at all, in the 'real' world.

Polygamists are actually the selfish ones. Their immature need to indulge every whim and to always be imagining that "something better is sure to come along" is extremely off-putting.

Exclusiveness in relationship is not about the individual, it's about the relationship itself, something the writer of this article is clearly unable to grasp.

First of all, there is a great overview of some of the reasons humans evolved to mate for life in the book "The Happiness Hypothesis" (http://www.happinesshypothesis.com/). Haidt outlines how in order to walk upright our pelvis can't be too big, but in order to have such large brains, we need to be able to have larger skulls. Being born with a skull as large as necessary for the developmental speed of every other animal on the planet would conflict with females being able to give birth through a smaller pelvis, so we evolved to have our head grow after we left the womb. This results in a situation where our decision making processes are not fully developed until 21 and are only mostly developed by the age of 14 or so.

Throughout the animal kingdom, it is usual for females to display that they are fertile somehow and then males to mate with them and then get lost. Sometimes the females will mate with several males in a relatively short time frame, but generally females will mate with multiple partners throughout their life. However, humans needed two people to look after the baby because 14 years is an awfully long time for a mother alone to take care of a baby. Since evolution can't invent a new process overnight, it used sex as a way to develop some of the same hormones that tie a child to their mother. This way, we actually become emotionally attached to sexual partners and the man will generally have more of a desire to stick around (there are exceptions). Especially when couples cuddle after orgasm there are certain addictive hormones that are released that make people grow closer.

Also, check out E.O. Wilson's work: he outlined an evolutionary theory on how jealousy may play a crucial role in this process. By having male jealousy be centered around sex and female jealousy being centered around time spent with others, males can avoid raising another man's child and females can ensure that the male is helping out during those first 14 years.

Basically, This article was a nice thought, but it is clear that it is truely "just off the top of your head." If you actually do some research on this, I think you will find that most mainstream scientists disagree with your conjecture. In actuality, humans mate for life for very good reasons.

Personally I think polygamy is the devil (not litterally) To sum up my oppinions so I don't fly off the handle in a fit of rage at polygamy activists and practitioners: If you don't love the person you're with enough to be loyal and faithful to them and they to you, why are you with them in the first place? You should love the person enough to want them and only them, not be all like "yeah your great and I "love" you and all, but I want other people too" I mean what kinda bullshit is that? Call me old-fashioned if you want, but serious relationships, and anything of a sexual nature should be reserved for that one special person. The reasoning for alota break-ups is not monogamy like somebody has said, in fact it's the exact opposite. Its cheating and being unfaithful whores, AKA: polygamy That's only obvious, if you're involved with multiple people (which is an STD and social breakdown farm anyway) and one person is suposedly 'better' than the other, in the end aren't you gonna leave person #1 and go for the better one? Think of how many break ups happen like that. Think of how many more divorces there would be and how many more single parents, orphaned children and need for public welfare there would be, just because the whorish american society cant be loyal and faithful to that one person. Or simply has commitment issues because of insecurities or an insatiable sex hunger for which they shouldn't even be given a second look as a potential partner. If anything, society today needs MORE monogamy, but because most people are such sex-crazed whorish jerks they cant stop to find that one person they're truly meant for. *And you know what, I need to further challange the complete retard who wrote this article in his/her (I'm assuming his) statement about what true love is, cuz both of his/her explanations were incorrect. True love is not something you can decide on your own by thinking "this person makes me happier than ever" nor is it something that you have to devote everything and sacrefice everything to keep the other person happy. It is in fact something two people mutually feel together as one person that BOTH parties are extremely happy. In true love you cant focus all on yourself, but you cant focus all on your partner either, you need to focus on how you can both be happy together, with eachother, as one emotional being, not two. True love is mutual care, affection and love unsurpassed by anything else, shared by two people as one. Not that shitty definition the idiot author propsed; though I give him/her my pity seeing as how he/she has obviously never felt the joy, passion, affection, security, want and trust that is the bond of true love; for if he/she has, he/she would not have made up that crap-ass excuse for a definition of what true love indeed really is. On a side note, True Love is TWO and only two people, when there's more than two, those extras are simply scissors cutting the ties of love that the original two shared*

I love my boyfriend very much and I am monogamus and I couldn't imagine nor would I ever want to allow anyone else to touch me or into our relationship I think that when people do that it destroys there marriage I watched a show on Natgo and they were talking about sex in different cultures they followed this lady who was married to her husbabd for twenty years they had a great marriage and raised a couple of kids together they decided to invite another lady into their relationship the husband ended up leaving his wife for the other women Im not trying put anyone down its just my two cents

I've wanted to swing with my babe but she isn't very receptive to it and it hasn't happened.....YET. Part of it is we both are very selective and the other part is her morality. I wouldn't mind sharing her with another dude in fact I've masturbated fantasizing about it as I have her with another girl. She doesn't masturbate nor does she have these desires.
We joined lifestyle lounge once and met some hot couples at a meet n greet but that's as far as it went. It was totally HOTT!
The things about all of this is if you've got insecurity issues it simply will not work. Neither of us have any of these issues as we are very secure with ourselves and the image we portray and very secure of each other. I'm not worried about losing her to anyone. She is just worried about her guilt afterward and how she would deal with it.

quite honestly i dont see anything TOTALLY wrong with open relationships as long as both parties are okay with it and as long as your other partners are aware of it.

in fact i'm still in highschool and for a period of time, my boyfriend and i told each other that when we went off to college it might be best if we did have an open relationship during that time. however we both couldnt stand the thought of either one of us being with other people, and while we know an open relationship during college might be best for us, we want to stay exclusive and eventually get married.

I dont know this is just my limited experience with it...oh and I please ask that you dont judge me, my relationship and my boyfriend for a. thinking about an open relationship, b. being exclusive in highschool, c. having sex in high school, d. wanting to be together from here on out for the rest of our lives. Thank You ^^

I think polyamory is ok as long as it is ok by both parties. i personally think its gross, but to each its own. I think you should be in a comitted relationship (my engagement ring was on my finger before my pants EVER went down) and you just can't be comitted if other people are around.

I don't get it. I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend of almost two years, and neither one of us could imagine touching or being touched by someone else. To me, and to him, lovemaking is just that-an expression of your love to the ONE person you love more than anything and want to spent your life with. Like I said, I'm not here to judge anyone, and anyone has the right to decide who and how many people they want to share their body with, but to me sharing my body means sharing my heart and the very essence of who I am, and I could never even imagine sharing that much of myself outside the bond of love, trust, and respect I have with John.

Well, I used to think this website had very good advice and opinions however the author of this article seems to of had some bad luck in the relationship department or has commitnaphobia issues or maybe is some sort of a sex fiend, who knows.

However the advice that should o been given is as follows:

There's nothing wrong with monogamous relationships. Having a relationship with someone is created by a bond, attraction, intimacy and trust. When solely finding a partner and entering a relationship,the reason for you choosing to be with that person is because you like them for who they are, you want to be with them and the obvious reasons being because you don't and didn't have that kind of connection with anyone else.

Monogamy ensures several things in a relationship... stability (feeling secure), being comfortable and trust. It also prevents some of the negative aspects that can occur when having a relationship with someone such as one of the 7 sins ENVY. Jealousy issues that green monster that dwells in everyones psyche. Psychosocial issues such as Insecurities an the effects an consequences of having them hence the feeling inadequacy.

Monogamy is all around proven to be healthier. Its a proven fact that men in relationship have more sex then single men. So if sex is what you're after then being in a relationship gets you more ass and is more of a sure thing (typically) rather than getting your ego busted from rejection. It also is healthier bc it prevents both of your chances from contracting or potentially passing along STD's, STI's, HIV and HPV.
Health is always the most important actor when being intimate with anyone. Always wear protection, and discuss it with the person you are going to be inimate with. An guys don't be stupid an ruin the moment like you often due by bringing up the topic right as you are starting to get things hot an heavy and certainly don't ask at that very moment (this question should be discussed earlier on as you are getting to know the person) "Am I going to catch anything?" or "are you clean?" or something like "You don't have any STD's do you?" If you do that you will automatically be rejected an once again your plan of getting some action will have failed you along with a busted ego.

Monogamy affects both couples emotionally, psychologically and physically. It also strengthens the over all bond you share with the person you are in a relationship with.

Typically when you like some one and really care about them you can't stand the thought of them wanting to be with someone else or doing anything with someone else. It hurts because not only do you feel unappreciated and inadequate but you feel the closeness and connection you two shared as been broken an is disappearing before your very eyes.
The mere thought that your partner could even want to be with someone else - leaves you to wonder what you did wrong, whats wrong with you, are you not pleasing them or giving your partner satisfaction, why would they want someone else to please them? All these questions become to cloud your thoughts leaving you angry, frustrated, insecure and green with envy. You've all heard the line "three's a crowd, or third wheel" this applies here.

Now as for open relationships. This is called dating. Going out with several people just to find someone you are interested in and more drawn to then the others. The whole reason for this is not just for the experience but to helps decipher what you like, what turns you on, the qualities you look for and can't stand etc... It's the stepping stone to the next level which would be a relationship (commitment, monogamy an later marriage).

Now the number one rule of dating an a "open relationship" as you call it is communication. Always be open, no pun intended, with whoever you are with. They have a right to know how you feel and know whether or not seeing you will eventually go anywhere relationship wise. All the people you're dating should be informed BEFORE you even start to date or just when you start that they aren't the only one you are seeing. This not only promotes moral character and honesty but builds a trust between who you are involved with. It also shows respect for not only yourself but more importantly the person you are pursuing. People are not objects, they are not solely here for your entertainment or pleasure, so they shouldn't be treated as such, especially women.

By being honest an straight forward in the beginning it can create a security between you to. It prevents jealousy from occurring or creating "bitch-fit/psycho girl tantrums" or histrionic destructive patterns an well the wrath of a scorned lover. Men also talk about that one"psycho ex girlfriend, or crazy bitch they dated" well why do you think some of that ends up that way? An women always vent to their friends about that "one asshole they dated, or getting used or how much of a player he was." It usually creates a more mess then needed.
Like mentioned above telling the person before hand prevents the people involved from the mere feelings of being "used" or "played." Psychologically it being open and honest with them about dating an who you might also be seeing helps both of the people involved make the correct decisions preventing future regrets.
Many times a guy keeps "his open relationship status" to himself and it automatically sets you off in the opposite direction. Leading someone one is a form of deception, treason, betrayal, unmoral and with material items we call it false advertisement which happens to actually be illegal.
Men, you set yourself up to get bitched at, called a player, willingly able to hurt another person, talked and gossiped about in the most belittling of ways,and a busted EGO. A girl unknowingly, more often than not will give herself to a man thinking a commitment of some sort is in the mere future only to later find by his selfishness, lack of respect and miscommunication (by not being straight forward) that she regrets becoming so involved or attached. She puts her heart out there an then it gets abused/mistreated inevitably creating further trust issues. As if the world isn't a corrupt unmoral place as it is. Why contribute to its destructive components especially one that is supposed to be one of the most beautiful aspects life has to offer.

However if you happen to be in a commitment and are pondering a threesome or are "swingers" that's a whole different topic.

But for the best advise on that topic you can go here
http://www.sexinfo101.com/as_threesomes.shtml

Its the best advice I have read on the topic so far.

-NP

*Studies have CONSISTENTLY shown that sexual satisfaction decreases with each sexual partner you have. The more partners you have, the less satisfied you are likely to be in your sex life.

*The entire list assumes that you are treating your sex partner as a simple sex object. There is no such thing as sexual "needs". If you do not have sex whenever you want to, your testicles will not explode. I promise.

*STDs.

*98% of the time, it ends up hurting the family.

*"an unhealthy obsession with having one person to meet the majority of our needs": What does that mean? To draw a somewhat disturbing example, is it inherently unhealthy for an infant to rely solely on it's mother for food? No. So I don't see why relying on only one person for one's sexual fulfillment is assumed to be automatically unhealthy either.

*"Let's say you are with someone who makes you happier than anyone else you’ve ever been with...Some time later you meet someone of your gender that you know 100% for sure would make a better monogamous mate for your partner than you." Idiot. Good relationships are not instantly created. There is no moment when you look deeply into some stranger's eyes and in a moment know exactly how to get along with each other. GOOD relationships are built over time, by people that are 100% committed to making their relationship work.

If you want to look at the facts, open relationships have decreased in frequency dramatically from the 1970's, when they were introduced. Why? Because they do not work. Be a little less selfish, and think about your family and your society more, and whine about your sexual "needs" a little less.

Hmm, though I'm polyamorous and definitely not monogamous, I know there are a lot of people who are basically monogamous.

I found the article fairly anti-monogamy. Just as I wouldn't wish to be attacked for who I am, I dislike it when others are denigrated for whom they are.

While I usually enjoy reading and agree with the articles on this website I can't help but feel that this one is out of place. I don't know why it bashes monogamy as a way of life, or why it takes a very bias view of the facts, but it's clear to me that the author has not really done any research.

First of all the author makes it sound like marriage is only about sex by stressing how restrictive it is to have only one partner, but the bottom line is that marriage is about raising children. If you don't want children, don't get married and by all means have all of the sexual partners you want. But if you think having a "herd" like social structure is better than two parents raising their kids, you should compare kids from a happy nuclear family with children raised in an orphanage. Look at the statistics, which do better in school? Which have better careers? Which get into more trouble?

You see, it's not enough to get a vast array of "genetic recombination." We aren't just genes randomly mixing together. You have to raise that "jumble of genes" into a self-sufficient adult that can then go on and mate and thus propagate his/her own genes into the gene pool. It's not just nature but also nurture that plays a large roll in development and survival.

Also, in a "herd" society, there is usually only one Alpha male that mates with all of the females. It is this "supreme being" that has such good survival genes that it is the only one who's genes deserve to be passed on to the next generation. Do you really think this will provide more "genetic variation" than a bunch of monogamous relationships?

Humans are not the only creatures that do not want to raise the offspring of another. Most male animals kill any offspring that is not their own. Do you really think humans will be able to care lovingly for children that they have no relation to? Ever hear of the greedy gene theory? You should look it up. If that doesn't convince you, I ask you, if you had a child with your partner, how would you like someone else being a parent figure to your child? How would you like to be forced to take care of a child that is not yours? It costs not only time, but money too. Children are not cheap, how would you feel if you had to spend your hard earned money to feed, cloth, and educate a child that is not your own?

So you tell me. Do you want a society where there are only a very few "elite" males that "breed" with all of the women and the offspring are cared for by strangers. Sure, works well for the ones on top, but everybody else gets screwed... and not in the good way. What if a really cool gene gets lost? Or maybe things are pretty good as they are, and it's nice to put your time, money, sweat and tears into a few precious lives that you created with the person you love and raise them as your own to be good upstanding citizens that will go on and carry the future of our species.

This site with all the comments I have passed after my hubby discovered it proves that I can make my feelings known and I really love being in an open relationship. Commenting on almost all type of experiences does not necessarily make me a slut, and also having indulged in most of them with other males/females and pulling your parner into it (in my case husband) and telling him about what i did during my workday, only increases our intimate sex life.

I am no porn star and are married for 20 years, so it shows that open relationships do work, as when we got married both of us were virgins. I only discovered my fantasies when we got married, and so did he, and with experimenting we then applied what we physically learned from other males/females to our own sex life - and got others involved as well so some of our sessions could be most fulfilling.
Lizzie

Just as a quick comment, I've done the monogamy/open relationship thing, and the two big reasons open relationships don't work for me are:

1) Jealousy. I'm not talking about mine. The more people you end up involved with, the more needs and whatnot you're juggling, and someone somewhere is going to get the short end of the stick. Then: drama.

2) Time. I only have so much time, and having to distribute it between multiple people has never worked out in the long run. This ends up to prioritizing my time, and to #1 where somebody gets the short end.

In the end I've found monogamy to just be simpler.