Hello all, have been married for 18 years and been with wife 20. We have had some great sex in past. Last few years she has lost more interest in sex, down to once a month, if that. she is 50 and I am 45. I am of course wanting it more and looking to explore my kinky side more. I tell her and explain my interest, and try to understand, but she just doesn't have the drive. yesterday I asked if she wanted to, and she said she could. I said lets go, and wham bam. I know sex is sex, but I want to explore a little more and roleplay some, and explore kinky and bi side, any ideas or help or suggestions, thanks.
Mon, 01/23/2012 - 16:06
#1
wife not into sex
She has no drive? She may want to check that out since she's a bit young (only 50) for that. Yes, she's no "partygirl" anymore but she doesn't have to be to enjoy and desire sex.
Time for her to get a medical check-up!
Meanwhile, time for you to begin inviting her to just talk about her views on sex. Perhaps there's something you've both overlooked.
thanks evil, but we have talked and she has had check up. We talked to make sure she found me still sexy and she said yes and that she was fine with herself and she said yes.
Okay then. So what's "the deal"? A sexy desirable man who adores her and desires her and she's still NOT jumping his bones? That's very odd.
EEK, it's not odd at all, it's very common. Just because a medical or psychological cause can't be found doesn't mean it's odd. My late wife, in her 40s, could have multiple orgasms, enjoyed sex very much when we did it, and never failed to tell me, as she grabbed my butt from behind on the stairs, how sexy she still found me. But between the ages of about 38 and 46, we dropped from 3 times a week, to twice, then once a week, then once every other week then once a month then once every other month... Everything checked out--medically, emotionally, she said she loved me and found me attractive, it's just that... something happened. We never figured it out. When she died, at age 54, we were getting back to once or twice a week again. I believe that many if not most women just have these waxing and waning cycles of more and less desire for sexual activity. With wife #2, we've gone in 4 years from 4 times/week to once a week. I think it just happens, like the seasons, things change. Why? If I knew, I'd win a Nobel Prize!
I ask because I know more than a few women who haven't changed their habits and some who have increased their frequency.
Married 20 years wife very low drive. She will say "can't you just use me and get off". sex from start to finish is less than 10 min, normaly I have to push her into a quickie and if I am not done in 2min she will toss me off her. I'm ready for an affair, I need some spice
I am saddened to read of your marital discourse. It has been said that when there is a problem in a marriage that sex is 90% of the reason, yet when the relationship is on course, sex is 10% of the reason. In your situation your wife may be behaving this way not so much due to relationship issues as with using the wrong birth control if she is on the pill. Is she? If so, she should have a discussion with her doctor regarding the matter and asking for an alternative to the medication that does not change her hormone levels as much.
If the pill selection is not the problem then I recommend counseling in order to learn what is so upsetting in her life that she turns off demonstrating the love she has for you--sex being the outward expression of that love.
The BIG question is if she knows making love with a partner is normal, why is she either not interested or not turned on--the two being very different matters. It seems she should be wanting answers. That she isn't speaks volumes. On the other hand, how tired is she? How overworked is she? At the end of the day how much energy does she have? If she has no energy left, what can be done to change this?
> sex from start to finish is less than 10 min, normaly I have to push her into a quickie and if I am not done in 2min she will toss me off her.
Does she know and understand that the typical women requires at least half an hour to become aroused? How are you at fooling around and making out--Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, and Foreplay? This could be why she is not interested. Is her disinterest in making love a recent turn of events or has this always been?
Answers to the above can help us zero in on what might need to happen for change to be effective.
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> I'm ready for an affair
No, you are not. What you are ready for are answers for your wife's present attitude that might be related to the pill or to problems within the relationship.
> I need some spice
Yes, you are, however you need to engage your wife in getting help, first. That she boots you off of her after just a couple of minutes demonstrates to me that she is angry. If true, why? Please try and enlist her help in finding answers before you try adding some spice.
I hope this is of help. Got questions? Got answers?
-doc
Thanks for the reply doc. Not on the pill, 45 years old. Stay at home mom with 2 teenagers. Been to many doctors, with no answers. She is always tired with me but perky when out with other people. She dislikes forplay, wants just a quickie to get me off. She Does not want to see a sex therapist although my therapist has one for us. She feels her low sex drive is related to low energy but $30,000 of out of network doctors have given no solution. At my breaking point soon.
Seems to me that women seem to feel that they SHOULDN'T like sex as if there's something wrong with sex and that's not surprising given the last 2000 years, if not more, of human history.
In fact it seems as if she's glad to 'be done with all of that now'.
All of which is a terrible waste.
A sex therapist would do you both good.
Except that she doesn't want to see one, EEK which is the problem.
She doesn't want to see one because seeing one might actually work and solve the problem, so it represents a threat and calls her policies/opinions/control into question. He's saying something's wrong with her and that it is her fault. This calls into question the quality of her 'love' for him - she sees he's deeply unhappy and yet refuses to do whatever she could do to improve their situation.
This leaves him with three options:
1. divorce her
2. put up with this nonsense for the rest of his life & continue to beg for sex or just say 'the hell with it' and treat her as an unpaid housekeeper instead of a wife
3. get himself a mistress
Would she like any of these?
"Except that she does't want to see one." Present Evil's three alternatives with seeing a counselor as the fourth. If that does not work proceed to number 1.
K, update it came to a head the other day. I made my usual suggestions, both physical and oral. Then she replied with "if you want to we can". I said fine, then she gave a big sigh and said meet you there, (real stimulating). Then she came in I asked what wrong? I said if you don't want to have sex, then we dont have too, I want us both to be into it. She said she didn't, then I said okay lay down and lets talk. She didn't so we came down stairs and talked. She is just tired and rung out from work and energy levels, I said, okay lets go see a doc and quit your job.
I'm in the same situation. You go out of your way to sort thinngs out. Help around the house until you get nailed and tierd. Play around, getting her aroused is your mission not her participation. You can but do so much. i was involved in a relationship......... And it was the best thing that ever happend to me. Been to the doctor, therapist did on the net research but she can't understand why the hell I'm getting so worked up if I don't get any in a month or even three. One time I decided to wait till she wanted to make love, waited for 3 months and 2 weeks. Now tell me I'm being unfair to flip my top at this. I feel inaduquite, is she havin an afair, al thhose things go through my mind, should i just understand and not make love to her? I try to understand but i can't come up with a logical reason or make a logical conclusion....
Desire is NOT something controlled by LOGIC or by REASON. It is an EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response to that emotion.
I know but its one of the most energising activity there is!!!! Why can't they see or understand it?
Because they've been taught sex = nasty dirty bad empowers only men and is a sin and good girls don't and the whole worship of virginity and the goddess/whore thing and damaged goods and how men and their religions have used sex and gender to control women for the past 2000 years at least. Now, YOU may not have done all of this BUT you also cannot deny that all of that - if it had been laid upon your sholders instead of hers - would have had a negative effect upon your desire.
We'd all like to be able to leave our baggage at the door but often it is impossible to do that.
Today we do not need priests to tell us all that. We have American presidential candidates! Why would anyone vote for someone who is presenting himself as protector of the vaginal entrance? We need someone to protect us against bankers!
[QUOTE=Brandye;279010]Today we do not need priests to tell us all that. We have American presidential candidates! Why would anyone vote for someone who is presenting himself as protector of the vaginal entrance? We need someone to protect us against bankers![/QUOTE]
Exactly.
Kind of a side skirt of the issue, but made me think of it for the bankers.
[url=http://www.break.com/index/we-stopped-dreaming.html]We Stopped DreamingVideo
"The $850B bank bail out is greater than the entire 50 year run of NASA". Wow!