My partner and i have been together for 8 years and love each other very much,she is 11 years older than i am and believes all sexual activities (besides straight forward vanilla sex) is dirty and degrading.
Anal, fisting, threesomes, my cock anywhere near her face are all considered to her as degrading and dirty, she even feels uncomfortable receiving oral sex from me.
I have comfronted her many times and she promises to open her mind a little and try something new, but before we get too far in to it she makes me well aware that i am degrading and abusing her.
I can't carry on with the way things are, but i love her and would hate to leave her. What can i do?
Wed, 08/18/2010 - 18:01
#1
Wife does'nt want to experiment.
[QUOTE=mixnix;258247]I can't carry on with the way things are, but i love her and would hate to leave her. What can i do?[/QUOTE]
What do you mean you cant carry on? You don't drop your Wife over nothing like this... Your going to just have to buckle down and keep talking to her about it until you both can agree on something. If you show her and gain her trust in whatever your trying to do, then maybe she'll be into it.
Was this an issue before you got married?
How old are you? You may not be aware of this, but most women don't want to try anal, fisting, or threesomes. And yes, there are also many women who don't want oral sex. I think you should part ways and invest in a hooker. Obviously this relationship is not worth saving if you really "can't go on". Your expectations are unreasonable. Especially the threesomes part. That's not something you should do unless both parties are extremely confident in their relationship and don't get jealous easily.
Ok Title say's wife.. but you call her partner? Are you married or not?
It would be a last resort to leave but i have tried everything.The problem is she does'nt get aroused by anything, sex is a chore to her and i work away from home, so she only has to put up with it a couple of times a month, I just want her to be interested.
Is it important to have sexual attraction in a relationship or not?
I'm 29, and as for threesomes, anal, fisting or oral sex, they are in the back of my mind and will more than likely stay there.
My problem is not that she wont let me do these things, it's that she is not sexually aroused by anything i do with her.
I love her, respect her and have never degraded her in anyway, yet she is uncomfortable with sex.
Is this a problem with me or her is what i'd like to know?
Maybe she's had a bad sexual experience she's never talked to you about, best way to get through with this, is just keep communicating and talking about this. There must be a lot of tension about sex if she is not comfortable with it.
[QUOTE=mixnix;258247],she is 11 years older than i am and believes all sexual activities (besides straight forward vanilla sex) is dirty and degrading.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=mixnix;258292]
yet she is uncomfortable with sex.
[/QUOTE]
Ok 2 statements, one says she only likes "straight forward vanilla sex"
and the other says she really isnt comfortable with any type of sex...
Which one is it?
Also 2 questions remain unanswered...
"Caramel_Gal_Loves_Vanilla" Was this an issue before you got married?
Title say's wife.. but you call her partner? Are you married or not?
[QUOTE=mixnix;258292]
Is this a problem with me or her is what i'd like to know?[/QUOTE]
without futher questions being asked and answered it is hard to determine at the moment
Not all women are sexually experimental, especially when it comes to anal, fisting and threesomes. Now compatibility is extremely important in all areas of a relationship, not just in the bedroom and it may be that you and your partner are not as compatible as you should be with your life long partner. If that's the case, it may be advantageous for both people involved to consider ending the relationship. Just because you don't believe you're being abusive doesn't mean that you're not. You are in fact being abusive when you don't respect her boundaries and keep pushing her to perform sexual acts that she's simply not comfortable with. Regardless of your intentions, your actions are being "perceived" as abusive and you have absolutely no control over someone else's perceptions. I can tell you first hand that she probubly feels a bit violated by your continued pressure and that alone can inhibit sexual desire. Why should she be turned on and want you when she knows that you aren't satisfied with her as she is? It's one thing to communicate and discuss your desires and fantasies but an entirely differant thing when you badger and berrate her at every encounter about what she doen't allow you to do! We all come into our relationships with baggage and expectations, and sometimes our expectations are unreasonable and selfish. Only you can decide if you can continue to try to change your partner into what you want her to be or accept and repsect her as she is. Continueing as you are is only going to lead to bitterness and contaminate any positive feelings you have for one another.
Partnered sex is a priviledge, not a right and your rights end where her body begins. The sooner you realize that the better off you are going to be. She's clearly told you how she feels about your suggestions, or should I say demands, and she's not buying into any of it. You only have control of your own life and actions so your only choices is to either accept it or leave.
It seems to me that you two simply have never sat down and honestly discussed sex. Policies, perceptions, ideas thereof and WHY she thinks a, b and c are degrading and so on - and why you DON'T think they are. You may be unaware that she finds your 'thinking these things are okay' is just as confusing to her as her attitude about them is to you.
Try this: [url=http://www.iep.utm.edu/sexualit/]Philosophy of Sexuality
You BOTH need to read this, think about it, and THEN get together to discuss this.
I cannot guarantee that she will want or enjoy sex more - no one can - nor can I guarantee that you'll learn to back-off and accept the lady's boundaries. But such a discussion will clarify your positions and make the ultimate decisions you two have to make more clearly defined.