I'm really baffled...my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for just about 4 months now. Things were really hot and heavy at first and moved pretty fast, but we love each other and would like to be in each other's lives long term. He's really sweet and caring and we get a long really well.
The problem is that we don't seem to be on the same page sexually anymore. My sex drive has always been a bit higher than his, but now I feel like he needs a two or three day break to get revved up again. We're both still young (I'm 25 and he's 28) and we haven't been together long at all so I'm not really understanding his lack of attraction...it makes me feel undesired and unwanted. Sometimes, I feel like a complete horndog and I'm bothering him for sex all of the time. But I'm not! I'm a normal, healthy young woman who's attracted to her partner.
Just last night, I tried to initiate sex. We were facing each other and I was rubbing his behind, and caressing him and he just laid there like a bump on a log. So I said "I give up" and his response was "was that you attemping to have sex?" or something like that and about how he's a boy and his stuff is in the front. Obviously, I know that but it's a little unsexy to me to just grab at it and go. His final response was he's there mentally but not physically and "In the morning I promise".
I want to scream I'm so frustrated...what can I do? I'd never previously thought that sex could be a deal-breaker (it seemed a bit shallow) but now I understand. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who feels passion in my relationship.
He's really sensitive and I don't want to hurt him, but I need to get this off my chest. How can I talk to him about this?
My ex is 34 this year and while that's still young, he was a crap boyfriend but the sex was NEVER an issue. Which is why my current boyfriend is so confusing.
I thank you all for your advice so far. I'll have a dialogue with him about things and see where that gets us. But if things don't change, I may have to move on.
First of all you need to discuss this in a neutral spot & not in the bedroom. See what he has to say about his lack of sexual interest & make your choice.
If you experience these issues early on in a relationship, meaning 4 months is still very early, they are not going to improve. If anything he will grow more distant & you will feel continuously rejected.
Sexual compatibility is a BIG issue in relationships since one feels unwanted ultimately & resentment ensues. And no, you are not being shallow.
Also keep an open mind to the causes being something outside of you. He may be experiencing lots of stress or some physical problems that he isnt proud of. It is a complicated world out there and it can throw many twists at you. Just talk with him about it and dont go on a "you dont love me or find me attractive!" rage. Find out first why he isnt feeling the same drive and figure out the cause. Good luck and I hope you both can work it out better to get the fire going.
None of us, as couples, have perfectly synchronised libidos. It is always a balancing act and, being humans, these things vary a bit from time to time. A key to a good sexual relationship is finding a balance. That, however, is not doable in some pairings and we are better off simply moving on.
Sex therapists can help and sexual issues are often symptomatic of deeper issues.
We've sort of broached the subject before and he's said "you should have met me when I was 23". This would make more sense to me if he was 20 years older but, he's not even 30 yet. I don't want to be a nag and I don't want to make him feel bad about himself. But I find myself wanting to shake him and yell "Snap out of it! Perk up damn it!" I know it's not that simple.
He has been working a lot as of late, but we had the same issues when he wasn't. I'll try talking to him when we have a moment alone.
Maybe it is "that simple." The twentysomething men I lived with (two for extended periods; others shorter times) were ready to go on demand.
I go back to the observation that sex issues are sympromatic of deeper issues.
But isn't saying "snap out of it" being unfeeling and demanding? I don't want to charge ahead and trample him if he is in fact dealing with underlying issues. I want him to know that I care and am willing to try working through things with him instead of saying "you have a problem, fix it".
Even men in their thirties are ready to go; his statement he made "You should have met me when I was 23" is saying I am not changing--even at 28. YOU are too accommodating. Stress? Wait until your married with kids, house, work, etc.
Two choices:
1-Stay with him and deal with the rejection; he changed in 5 years so fast ask yourself what would thirty-five bring? Gert married and see where you are --sexless.
2-Find a man who shares a similar sex interest as you.
The man I was engaged to was 40--still three years he is going strong as am I [over 40] and that is daily minimum.
I see no real excuse for his actions unless he is not a sexual man.
Don't invest too much if you are not happy.
Could just be stress and life...I mean I go through periods where I dont want sex, and times when I do. I mean hell I havent craved sex in about 2 weeks which is weird considering I could go at least twice a day. Your only choices are move on or tie him to a bed and MAKE him do it....(although the latter may catch his attention a bit more lol)
Id say ultimately just move on because he doesnt even understand the art of seduction...(although if a girl was grabbing my butt I really wouldnt call it seduction) HE just wants you to grab and go...imagine what happens when he get even older and doesnt even want foreplay...sounds fun doesnt it. Him snoring away, already gotten his, while you lay there frustratedm and so horny after the years worth of sex that you've missed out on that you commit a lust fueled crime!
I wasn't "grabbing" his butt like a piece of meat, I was massaging him and caressing him and not just on his butt. Although I like his butt, and he knows this. I like his body. I like to touch it. If I'm being caressed in that manner, I get the point pretty quickly.
I think the first step will be an honest conversation about things. Give him a chance to state his case, and see what happens. If nothing changes then I'll have to move on.
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There is an underlying issue that is irritating him and taking his mind off of sex. I understand you are fristrated but you have to treat him as an adult. If he wishes to talk, let him talk. If he does not, then just state your case in nuetral tones and language and let him think about it.
"I find myself becoming increasing frustrated and disheartened because it seems that you do not desire me any more. Is that the case or is there something else I should know about?"
Listen to his answer. Remain adult - tuck the emotions away and think BEFORE you speak - ask for clarification if you need it. The trick to effective communication is to address the issue not the person. Please note in the above sample statement that you are NOT blaming him. You are asking about his state of mind and his level of desire. You are seeking information out of a sincere wish to know.
Got it?
I hope everything went well with the talk.
just my two cents worth of advice.
maybe he oes not know how to or is not the sort of person who can openly communicate. his statement about meetin him at 23 basically means he is not willing to compromise his position and is asking you to accept and change to his lifestyle. you have to decide if you can or want to because if he cannot or does not want to communicate then the decision is 100% yours to make. the choice is to feel unwanted and alone without much hope of improvement with him or leave him which may bring new hope of finding a better match.
just remember, every relationship need some form of
friendship
commitment
and passion
i learned that in psych :D