My boyfriend plays softball 4 nights out of the week. I am 7 months pregnant with his child. I feel neglected and uncared for. Last night he went to a softball game and I decided to get on his computer and look at what he had on there. I went to his address bar and there were porn sites on there. I know that he looks at porn but sometimes enough is enough.
I then looked at his address bar history for yesterday, the day before, and tuesday. I found it infested with pictures of young girls(my age) on there. Some with clothes, some without, some ugly as f*** and so on and so forth.
I started crying and suddenly felt ugly and not appreciated. Why does he have to look at girls like that with their clothes on and smiling at him and whatever. I don't even know what I feel. I want to ask him about it, but what will he say about me going through his computer? I don't even know if it would phase him, he doesn't care about me or his son anyway, well at least that's how I feel.
Lately, our relationship has been really shitty. He does not ever do anything for me to help me out around the house. All he does is play on the computer, now I know why he doesn't come to bed until 4 in the morning. He won't stop if I tell him to. He is a lot older than me...31. But his maturity level is probably below mine. When we first met, it was so great. Now I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore.
I love him so much, but I don't get the things I need. I am neglected so much, and right now, being pregnant, I need a lot of attention. He said I drive him crazy sometimes, well he drives me crazy all the time. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. It is so hard to make any rash decisions right now with the baby coming in 12 weeks. He won't help me get anything ready for him and he says he is excited, that's bullshit I guess.
The whole deal is the porn thing right now, ugh!!!! It pisses me off so bad, it is degrading to me. I bet I am the only girl that feels this way about it. He had close to 1250 pictures of girls on his comp. He could never get any of them, if he treated them the way he treats me.
Do I express my feelings to him or just forget about it?
[QUOTE=Quote (thetease13 @ Oct. 20 2005,18:49)]I personally do not find the big deal about porn. Porn is just that... porn. He's not touching these people. He's not doing anything with these people. He's just looking at them. I find nothing wrong with that.
You look at people too, don't you? You sometimes see a cute guy and go wow, that's nice, don't you? What's the difference between him looking at pictures and you doing that? It's human nature to be attracted to someone, even if you're with someone else.
Married couples and long term relationship couples often find others attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. Again, it's human nature.[/QUOTE]
i agree that theres nothing wrong with porn but surely theres a limit? he stays up til 4 in the morning and spends most of his spare time on the computer. i think it becomes an issue when normal life and relationships suffer because of it. obviously this is affecting their relationship, for whatever reason. in my opinion, i think there is a world of difference between looking at someone you pass on the street and finding them attractive and actively searching for pictures on the internet.
7 months into my marriage I found (on our shared computer) porn sites and porno movies, but more upsetting is that I also found he was on a website for attached people looking for intimate relations with others. I had NO problem confronting him and after a LONG, LONG time I am getting over it.....BUT I have asked him not to be on those sites or to look at porn. The site stopped but the porn has popped up on the computer here and there. As a result of all this I am able to look on his work lap top anytime. Someone with nothing to hide - hides nothing. I don't blame you for being more intimidated by the clothed pictures of girls. I would confront him. Tell him you weren't snooping, but the you just happened upon it.
These things can start out innocent but turn ugly.
I'll skip the porn topic and say this:
Any guy who has a very pregnant partner and plays softball 4 nights a week, doesn't help around the house, and plays on computer (doesn't matter if it's solitaire) needs a major wake up call. He's acting like he's 18, not 31.
Porn, snooping, whatever are all debatable issues.
How he treats the mother of his future child is not so much debatable, there are some fundamentals that you need to confront with him.
[QUOTE=Quote (WallyLlama @ Oct. 21 2005,07:42)]Any guy who has a very pregnant partner and plays softball 4 nights a week, doesn't help around the house, and plays on computer (doesn't matter if it's solitaire) needs a major wake up call. He's acting like he's 18, not 31.
How he treats the mother of his future child is not so much debatable, there are some fundamentals that you need to confront with him.[/QUOTE]
AMEN!
So, I again ask, what is the difference between him looking at girls with their clothes on and you seeing a guy in the store or walking down the street with his clothes on and you finding him attractive and you getting a mental picture of him later on in the day.
What is the difference between you surfing the web and happening to see someone's pic and say "wow, he's cute" and then you perhaps saving it for later.
There is no difference.
There's no harm in it.
It is, again, completely natural to find other people attractive than who you come home to every day or who you consider your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.
Love and attraction are separate things. They're two ends of a spectrum.
Sure, you can love someone and be attracted to them. However, it's usually the love that makes them attractive to you. I've always found "my guy" attractive. He would not however be considered a looker to most. Most women wouldn't give him a second glance. But, since I have come to know him and since he has become a great friend of mine (with the benefits on ocassion) and since I have come to care for him a great deal because of all this, I have found him much more attractive than it started out to be.
But, it also works the opposite. Just because you find someone attractive, doesn't mean you love them.
Plain and simple, they're pictures. Just because he's looking doesn't mean he cares for them. It doesn't mean he even knows them. It doesn't mean he loves them. It doesn't mean anything other than he just finds them attractive in some way.
I once again say that relationships work both ways. They're not one sided. Two people often feel the same way just at separate times.
There are times you want your space from him, right? Well, maybe right now, he needs some space from you. It doesn't mean he cares or loves you any less. He just wants some him time just like you want your you time every now and then.
However, the only way you're going to find out anything is by talking to him.
Take Care.
I do agree with both you canoe and tease on the snooping part. It is something I have never done. But lately the way I feel has been parading on my mind so much I dont really feel like myself at times. This "porn" we are speaking of is not regular sex porn and that is why it bothers me.
I have looked at porn myself and he knows that and I know that he has looked at and still does look at porn. What I mean by regular porn is girl on girl, girl on guy sex. It is just pictures. The pictures of girls without their clothes does not bother me, it is the pics of girls with their clothes that do.
A lot of the pics were just of clothed girls smiling or on a boat drinking beer with friends are at parties with a lot of people around but all of them had clothes on. I don't understand how this constitutes as porn. They are merely pictures. It made me think of a chatroom maybe or a website where he as interaction with people and got them to send a lot of photos to him. I don't really know what about them turns him on. If it was all naked pictures, that would have been more understandable.
As for this site canoe, he does know I go here, it is kinda funny sometimes cuz when we talk about it he always wants to know what I post. But I never tell him....
I will remember your offer about the buttkicking, it may come in handy since I can't do alot of fighting right now. LOL. He is a great guy but sometimes I wonder if he is the guy for me, you know what I mean?
?
My two cents...I pretty much agree with Tease...
Do tell him how you feel, and let him know that you need him to take a more active roll.
He should show more responsibility, especially since you are pregnant.
You are in an extremely emotional state right now because you are pregnant. Things that wouldn't usually bother you can get blown out of proportion.
Snooping on his computer was wrong.
Looking at porn is not wrong.
Have you ever done something that he didn't know about...Like coming to this site possibly...
In your other posts, you've said her is a great guy. Has this changed suddenly?
And if talking to him doesn't help, I'm in Georgia, and can come whoop some sense in to 'im.
If it upsets you, talk to him about it.
I personally do not find the big deal about porn. Porn is just that... porn. He's not touching these people. He's not doing anything with these people. He's just looking at them. I find nothing wrong with that.
You look at people too, don't you? You sometimes see a cute guy and go wow, that's nice, don't you? What's the difference between him looking at pictures and you doing that? It's human nature to be attracted to someone, even if you're with someone else.
Married couples and long term relationship couples often find others attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. Again, it's human nature.
I'm a girl. I watch porn. I like porn.
The past like 5 times I've been with my guy, we've actually had porn playing in the background. It doesn't bother me. If the porn can make him a bit more excited, then so be it. Whatever.
And on another note, and this will probably sound mean, I personally think you have some other issues and you're just finding such silly things as porn to blame it on. You're going through his stuff. His personal stuff. What exactly does that say about you? Why is it "ok" for you to go through his things?
Every little thing that you find, whether big or minor or good or bad, is just going to set you up for failure of some sort and you're gonna look for more things to throw at him and blame on him.
Relationships and love work both ways. They're not one sided. Always blaming the other side for problems (which is what you seem to be doing and it's "he does this" and "he doesn't do that" and etc) does not get you anywhere. Both partners need to work through their differences and their issues in order to make anything work.
Jm dear, if you are pregnant that is a huge step in life and if he doesn't seem to care of course you should tell him, and about the pornography, nothing against you but my girlfriend was more flexible about that but I guess everybody has different morals and yours are perfect, if you feel hurt do to his pornography addiction tell him and if he doesn't listen, I personally would delete all of it but I am a very vengeful person, I hope this helps.
-François