One thing that just crossed my mind whilst reading some advice to a young man about to experience his 'first-time'... was the disconnect between then & now.
If I remember back in my younger pre-teen & teen years, all this "sex stuff" had a MUCH more significant meaning and had a much stronger mystique than it does when you get older. What I mean is... when you have NEVER been down that road and BOTH partners are not mature enough to COMFORTABLY discuss the topic without it getting awkward, uncomfortable or having it "ruin the moment" because both/either of them had a mental image of it being like in the movies... or even worse; for her, it's supposed to be like a romantic movie, and in his mind it may supposed to be like a porn film.
It's VERY difficult for young people without the confidence to discuss such things to really have a discussion about sex with each other... NOT impossible, but very difficult. They are both so nervous about "first-this" and "First-that" and hoping they like it, hoping they do it right, hoping the other enjoys it... worrying that they may do well, etc.
Obviously, all that is normal reaction to first-timers... but I just realized that a lot of MY responses assume an adult and "open" approach to conversation between the partners... but in a lot of cases, that may just be too-much to put on some people that may even be in their early 20's.
I will try to make an effort to relate to your situation(s) more appropriately as I move forward and not just give a "here's what I'd do" answer.
See...? Y'a learn somethin' new every day...!!!
I like bein different.. lol me and Ty, always talk.. like well.. we're getting more and more open about sex.. but like LOL the "ruin the moment" stuff... thats always just FUNNY> lol and should be taken lightly.. sex is meant to be loving and fun.. and well hopefully have meaning... and if you have those, its ok to have.. ruining of moments, but really i think they add to it.. making you feel more light hearted and.. just more open, knowing.. its ok to feel silly.. and to want to do things.. and they aren't laughing at you, you're laughin together..
well ok, i'm only 23 and i just lost my virginity last month.
me and my guy talked about how i wanted it done... like if i wanted him to take it or if i wanted to be on top or whatever and he always made sure that i was ready and wanted to lose it to him.
other than that, we really didn't discuss it.
we're starting to be a bit more open now and somewhat discussing what we would like. he would like to give me anal one day and i would like him to give me oral one day so that's something we're working out..cause i'm not an anal person and he's not an oral person.
so to answer your question, unless something has dramatically changed since i was a teen, or rather, since i just recently lost it, no kids/teens/whatever aren't really "open" about sex.
SV: My point is, unless things have RADICALLY changed since I was a teen, you are far from the "norm". Being able to discuss sex at that age when I was a teen was VERY uncommon.
Granted, it was a bit different being a teen in the late '70s-early '80's. They still didn't allow the words "Damn" or "Bitch" on TV... you NEVER saw gay or lesbian characters on TV other than Billy Crystal's character on "Soap".
It's quite possible with today's culture; RealWorld, road rules, All of reality TV, Sex in the City, Queer Eye, Will & Grace, Ellen, and even just typical TV shows... the boundaries of acceptable discussion have shifted quite a bit since I was a teen.
Are kids more "open" about sex and not as intimidated by the topic...?
Hn? That's all? Hell, I'm open with my girl and neither of us is 20 yet. You just have to relax and realize that she's not gonna laugh at you for what you have to say.
TIP: If you want to HONESTLY know, ask her. Under most circumstances she wants to do her best to please you just as you would do her. The only way to do this is to help you when you need it. So ask her if you need to know or need help with something while you're in the sack. She'll appreciate it too.
i got what you were saying. don't worry.
Just to be sure my point wasn't mistaken... It was not that I think we needed to be more of a moral compass... but moreso I think I (we?) need to remember what it was like to be an inexperienced and nervous teen when REPLYING to a nervous teen.
To say "Talk about it with him/her... discuss it..." is a little out-of-touch with how I remember dealing with sex as a teen. Ther was NO WAY we would ever talk about it... we'd either just do it or not. It was 90% guesswork, 7% reading body language and 3% dumb luck. It wasn't until my mid-late 20's when I really felt comfortable DISCUSSING sex with my partner. It was just something you DID... you didn't TALK about it.
It's so much easier now being older, wiser, more mature (most of the time) and with a person who is the same. We can DISCUSS sex, and it's so easy to just dump that advice onto people who are just not ready for that approach.
So... to all the less-than-20-year-olds out there, please be understanding of the advice that I (or others) may give that may sound a bit far-off from what YOU'D want to do. I'll try to remember how awkward the topic of sex was a a young'in.
:o)
i agree with what littlefury said...mostly atleast.
when someone younger than me wants to know what their first time is gonna be like or has some questions, it doesn't make me think "what's your rush".
i think it's great that they're coming in here looking for help or whatever they're looking for. i think it's a step forward that atleast some people out there in this day and age are still wanting to know stuff like that.
and even if we do take the adult approach from time to time, atleast we're trying to help. atleast we're not being like a real parent out there that would probably condone their own child for discussing such a thing. know what i'm saying?
i don't think i've ever seen someone on here go "don't do this or don't do that" in like a mean harsh way. we give answers on our best judgement and you know, it may not always be right but atleast we're trying.
and i think that's a good thing...not really a bad thing.
and if that didn't make any sense, please forgive me.
i'm half asleep today for some reason.
What I have found, is a lot of times this place however can be a better source for information for first timers. True, kids start having sex at much earlier age now. But I feel it's better that they know facts from someone who knows them and willing to share without turning tomato like. I wish that I have found this place at the time then I lost my virginity (I was 19 and engaged) I mean, this palce can be a better source of info then for instance kinds their own age, who might not know any of the facts, or parents that try to scare you away from it and tell you bunch of stupid things. BUt yeah, sometimes then you see someone in early teens, someone who is so much younger then you tell you that they are gonna do it and they are worried about their first time...makes you want to hit your head on a keyboard and yell "What is your rush?"
I guess what I think of when giving advice here is that maybe at least someone will profit from my mistakes. I realize kids may not listen to things like "talk about it" or "take it slow", but maybe if they hear it from enough people, then they may learn that it is normal to ask questions and discuss your feelings.
I hope they also learn things like playing safe and protecting themselves. They hear stuff like that from parents and teachers. I just hope hearing it in the "real world" drives the point home.
HngLkAMouse, I totally agree. It didn't take me long to realize that I was considerably older than most of the folks on this board. Further, there are some very young folks here so I feel somewhat uncomfortable contributing to some of the posts since societal norms have changed so much. I like to think that I'm a "parent" that a lot of the kids here can "talk" to or bounce things off of, if they feel they cannot speak their own parents.
But it's also nice for an old guy like me to be a little naughty from time to time.