*IGNORE THE TITLE* I wasn't thinking... haha
Sorry for the length.
First off, I take much pride in being with my girlfriend. She has had about 5 boyfriends before me, and none of them lasted more than two months. I know I sound cocky, but I just feel so good that I've been able have a stable relationship with her for over 1 year. She always got bored of others; I think I've done a pretty good job :)
Girlfriend of 1.5 yrs is going off to college soon. She has two choices, a excellent college (almost guaranteed to give her a good job + high pay afterwards) and a pretty good college (not as much pay as the other college). However, the "excellent" college is directed in similiar majors as a whole (math), whereas the "decent" college is open to almost everything.
Our pickle is the following:
Her word has been hard to take seriously and I've told her in the past she needs follow through with what she says. When she has assured me she is going to the "excellent" college, I was like "Okay." At the last moment, she decided maybe she should go to the "decent" college. This to me was practically the last straw for being indecisive. I know it sounds like I'm controlling, but I gave her the ultimatum of the following: Follow through with her statements, so that I can take her word seriously. Or, continue breaking words that she has told me, eventually leading to where I can't believe a thing she says when it comes to doing things (ultimately, leading to a break-up since I cannot deal with that). I figure if she can start following up with her word now, it will be the first stepping stone to building a trustworthy word. Basically, it's either she sticks to her words, or I can't be with her anymore.
Second pickle:
The school she chose to begin with is close, really close. The school she is thinking about going to is a hour away (not too bad). I wouldn't care if she went to either school had she kept to her word, so keep that in mind. The "decent" school is more geared for her because she doesn't know exactly what she wants to major in, but the "excellent school" has better credentials. She could easily transfer out of the "excellent" school into a "decent" or a "good" one. Whereas the "decent" school, she'd have a much more difficult time transferring back into the excellent school. I told her to pick a school without me in the picture, and ultimately she chose to stick to her word, and be with me (meaning she ignored my advice--but who am I to argue :)). Afterwards, she said, "Just so you know. I do not like this school. I plan on transferring out in 2 yrs to a different one." Which is fine with me. Although that makes me feel like crap since she is doing it just so I can trust her word.
All in all, I feel like the bad guy, yet I know if it was the other way around, I'd be breaking up with her. Almost did during our talk (1 week ago). I feel like she should go to the school more fit to her, but then she refuses. Saying she'll go to this great school and transfer out to a better one more geared towards her major in 1 or 2 years. I've sacrificed a lot for our relationship, but this beats all mine plus more. I woulda done it without a thought, but I am not in her position.
We've been in love for a long time now, and we're each other's first love. We have also never slept with anyone else, ever.. meaning we took each other's virginity. :p We both see it going somewhere, although we know of our hard times ahead, and that odds are against us.
My questions:
1. What would you do?
2. Am I controlling her future?
3. Am I the bad guy?
4. Is our attachment due to first love a problem?
5. If anything needs to be improved on my part (didn't detail anything), what should I do? More gestures, etc?
6. Is this a bad ultimatum?
7. Should she go to the "decent" school and be SURE of her options?
8. Should she go to the "excellent" school and have the ease of transferring into another "excellent" school?
eh?
Since when is being indecisive "going against your word"? you act like she is lying about something just b/c she can't decide where to go to school. This time in your life is very hectic. You are bombarded w/ decisions left and right... where should I go to school? what do I want to be when I grow up? Then on top of your ideas for her life... she probably has pressures from family and parents of... should she go to the "excellant" school or just a "decent" school. Will she live up to expectations of the people in her life.
I think you are putting WAAAYYY to much emphasis on her whole decision making process. Why should she DO what you say she should do. Just to prove a point that she can make a decision???
Not everyone is a leader and decisive about their lives. I am that type of person... I have to think things out.. sometimes I think about them too much.. but that is just my personality... you can't punish someone and accuse them of being untrustworthy just b/c they change their minds.
I do think you are being controlling of the situation. You basically answered your question of being the bad guy by saying you feel like crap that she is going to a school that she doesn't want to go to... JUST to prove a point to you. Thats stupid.. no one should have to do that... especially about something as important as school. Thats not something you just pick on a whim. And so what if she picks a school and its not for her.... I went to a community college and after a few tries of trying to figure out what I wanted to do... I made it to a University.. and yea it took me way longer than 4 yrs to graduate but I finally did... I accomplished something.. and I am proud of myself.
Just know that usually.. ultimatums are never a good idea.. people usually end up getting hurt!
I knew I would not receive a good response. I am looking for criticism so I know what to work on.
How do I stop with the ultimatums? I feel like I suck as a Bf sometimes :(
I understand everything you've said. My only defense is that we planned around the fact of her going to a certain school, and everything I've worked for to organize things would have been to waste. 2-4 months of planning for nothing. In any case, I know I will receive flame for this, which is why I posted. I need more criticism please!
Its ok... I didn't want to come off bitchy... but they way you made your post sound... it just sounded like you couldn't trust her just b/c she changed her mind about something.
So what is all this planning that you've done? That might have added to your defense before hand :P
Is it big planning? or just small things?
Was it something like you already bought a house, deposited money for an apartment, got a job near her school? Those would be BIG plans and understandable to be frustrated about having to change those.
Other things... eh.. dont sweat the small stuff :)
Just know that in the end if she does end up going to a school she doesn't want or ends up "wasting" years of study at this school... it will probably come back on you.. b/c she had to prove a point to YOU.
Sometimes my b/f gets mad at me b/c I am indecisive and I wont be able to decide like where to eat dinner or whatever. So then finally he tries to pull an ultimatum and say... well we just won't go anywhere... which doesn't work.. b/c thats fine w/ me... I could care less, lol. Thats one thing about being indecisive... I could care less whether we go out... or stay home. Not sure the point I was trying to make hahah... just an example :) of how they dont work, LOL