Hi...guys...anyways been a year or so since I as last here. Seems longer than it is...Still with Ginny, and everything's going...well...it's going ok.
I mean we are still going together and the intimacy portions of our relationship are...intimate. But...I have an issue...and maybe it's just my issue. I just feel...like I'm not enough for her. I've been having this feeling for the last few weeks...increasingly that she deserves better. I mean there's no place in our relationship that is I guess stellar...everything seems to function ok, but you know I don't feel like there's anything that I excel at. I mean our sex life is stable but I know it's probably not as much as she wants...and to be honest I rather doubt how much she says that it's adequate. I still have issues with exactly wanting it...but once we get started I usually finding myself at least...having fun...and enjoying it. I try to be romantic but I often feel like it comes off as being a bit cheesy....and I try to be sweet but I think maybe I'm being a little overbearing....I just don't know what to do, and whenever I say anything to Ginny she says everything is great...but I look at some of her friends who have bfs...and they seem to have such better relationships...or at least better stories....and I feel sometimes or rather I grow increasingly concerned that Ginny may resent me...because I'm not as proficient relationship-wise as her friends.....
Congrats to you, geoff! :)
And you may not have been as "shot down" as it seems. Speaking from my point of view, even if it doesn't lead to anything that evening, I love such affectionate surprises. Could very well be Ginny enjoyed it as well :)
Good luck!
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271366]Why? Tis obvious. She sees in you what you fail to see in yourself.
The reason you need to see a doctor is because your blood doesn't roar in your veins. The reason lies either in body or mind - go find out which and fix it.
It really is just that simple.[/QUOTE]
It isn't physical....I had a checkup a few months ago....I'm on the lower range of normal...so the doctor said he wouldn't prescribe anything because the risks outweighed the benefits.
I don't care for psychs either of them. And I refuse to take their mind medications...I've done that before...it's like walking around in a fog of 'eh'.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;271209]> anyways been a year or so since I as last here. Seems longer than it is...Still with Ginny, and everything's going...well...it's going ok.
1. And you know this, how? [/QUOTE]
She's still with me and she doesn't seem angry at the idea....I guess. She doesn't yell at me or badger me as much as she used to about things.
[QUOTE]> I just feel...like I'm not enough for her. I've been having this feeling for the last few weeks...increasingly that she deserves better.
2. And you know this, how? If true, why then is she still in the relationship?[/QUOTE]
I fear that she's just settling for me. I mean there are times where she doesn't seem satisfied with what we do on dates or for couple time or sexually I can sense it from her body language but she doesn't complain.
[QUOTE]> I don't feel like there's anything that I excel at. **
3. And you know this, how?[/QUOTE]
I just feel it. I'm clumsy and not the best on picking up cues and selfish. I have a tendency to desire her attention...which I think may be unhealthy.
[QUOTE]> our sex life is stable but I know it's probably not as much as she wants.
4. "It's probably not as much..." meaning what, frequency, quality, variety, other, all of the above?
5. And you know this, how?[/QUOTE]
All of the above. Because I feel like that if I were more....sexual that she'd easily be able to handle it and probably like it.
[QUOTE]> I rather doubt how much she says that it's adequate.
6. And you know this how?[/QUOTE]
Because in the past she's said things are fine or good and then I hear from other people that she wasn't overly enthused by those things. She doesn't like hurting my feelings so she lies to me...which makes me less likely to trust her when she makes compliments....
[QUOTE]> I still have issues with exactly wanting it...but once we get started I usually finding myself at least...having fun...and enjoying it.
7. Does she still turn you on? If not, why not? If so, then what is holding you back from outwardly expressing the love you have for her without being prompted?[/QUOTE]
I largely just don't think about it. It sounds odd but I forget consciously that we can have sex. She turns me on I just don't have that passion...I've never really had that passion.
[QUOTE]> I try to be romantic but I often feel like it comes off as being a bit cheesy.
8. And you know this how?[/QUOTE]
Because I'm about a subtle as a brick. IF I try to be romantic it's always big...and flashy and a couple of times she has looked embarrassed....
[QUOTE]> I try to be sweet but I think maybe I'm being a little overbearing.
9. And you know this how? Are you attentive, interested, and concerned? If so, how is this different than being overbearing?[/QUOTE]
Because it's constant. I'm always doing things for her, because I think that if I keep being super kind to her she won't notice that I'm worthless otherwise. The thing is we hit a wall where she says 'You know I can take care of myself' and gets annoyed because I'm always trying to help her even when she doesn't want any help.
[QUOTE]> I look at some of her friends who have bfs...and they seem to have such better relationships.
10. And you know this how?[/QUOTE]
The look happier...and sometimes she'll say something like 'I really envy X and Y'.
[QUOTE]> I feel sometimes or rather I grow increasingly concerned that Ginny may resent me...because I'm not as proficient relationship-wise as her friends.
11. And you know this how?[/QUOTE]
Because, reading these forums isn't that how these things tend to go?
[QUOTE]Are you still with me, Geoff?
12. What is the common thread, above?
Hint: Over analyzing. Yesterday, I replied to a thread with the following comment: "I believe what we have here is a failure to communicate."
Relationships are partnerships, so too is making love. These are not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other in partnership. Explore and learn together.
Relationships are formed by two individuals each with a past who choose to join together in order to have a future greater than the sum of its two parts. If you believe some aspect(s) of your relationship are inadequate, then my adamant recommendation is for you to wake up every morning and ask yourself this question:
** "What can I do today to make Ginny's life better?" Now, do whatever it is. In the future, do it more often than not. Before you know it, you will have a whole laundry list of ways to improve her life and as a result--yours.
Have you heard the old adage: "to 'assume' is to make an 'ass' out of 'u' & 'me'"? Communication is the keystone to every relationship. So too is providing feedback {verbal and/or non-verbal) on how we are responding to our partner's actions {as one example: kisses and caresses) and for what we need now/next. Geoff, from what you have presented to us, above, it is clear to me that you need to talk to each other. The two of you need to open a line of communication between you.
Whether or not one or more of your concerns prove to be true, talking about your concerns will help to make the situation better, or at the very least, instill confidence that what she says to you is true. That you question her, indicates that you have issues with trust as well as self confidence.
13. Does Ginny know about the SI101 Board and its Forums? If so, has she explored the site?
Another recommendation I have is for you to casually tell her that you would like to explore ways to make your relationship (even) better, then enlist her help. Begin by reading each and every article listed in the Index {found at the top of the main screen), either together or separately, discuss what you have learned, and then add the information to what each of you already knows.
Next, begin to practice the how-to suggestions, particularly those that EvilEvilKitten {EEK) writes about. You now have an action plan for excellence as well as excelling as a partner.
Please answer my questions, above, so that those of us who choose to comment will have a better idea of how you view your relationship and why.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
-doc[/QUOTE]
I do have concerns about her honesty. She tells me one thing, and then in the round I hear that she wasn't honest about it because she thinks I'll feel bad. I've gotten to the point where I take a lot of her compliments with a grain of salt and when it comes to certain proficiencies...I tried to pretend she's telling the truth though I feel deep down that she's just trying to keep me from being hurt.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You only see and hear what they want you to hear. Guess what, I could tell my friends wonderfully happy stories about my exes...or I can tell them the bad ones. They only know what I choose to tell them. Do you think people really want to air their dirty laundry to their friends? Hell no!
If she says you are adequate then trust her. Take it from me, over-thinking things will completely destroy your relationship. If you want to make your relationship "better" than help yourself out.
what you excel at is caring that she is happy. that is what we all want and should want to do. if you think there are some things you could work on in the bed room, well there is no better place than here to ask questions. you think you are cheesy but maybe she thinks cheesy is cute. finally trust her when she gives you her thoughts. you would expect her to believe you when telling her the truth right? like ducy said you are over thinking.
> anyways been a year or so since I as last here. Seems longer than it is...Still with Ginny, and everything's going...well...it's going ok.
1. And you know this, how?
> I just feel...like I'm not enough for her. I've been having this feeling for the last few weeks...increasingly that she deserves better.
2. And you know this, how? If true, why then is she still in the relationship?
> I don't feel like there's anything that I excel at. **
3. And you know this, how?
> our sex life is stable but I know it's probably not as much as she wants.
4. "It's probably not as much..." meaning what, frequency, quality, variety, other, all of the above?
5. And you know this, how?
> I rather doubt how much she says that it's adequate.
6. And you know this how?
> I still have issues with exactly wanting it...but once we get started I usually finding myself at least...having fun...and enjoying it.
7. Does she still turn you on? If not, why not? If so, then what is holding you back from outwardly expressing the love you have for her without being prompted?
> I try to be romantic but I often feel like it comes off as being a bit cheesy.
8. And you know this how?
> I try to be sweet but I think maybe I'm being a little overbearing.
9. And you know this how? Are you attentive, interested, and concerned? If so, how is this different than being overbearing?
> I look at some of her friends who have bfs...and they seem to have such better relationships.
10. And you know this how?
> I feel sometimes or rather I grow increasingly concerned that Ginny may resent me...because I'm not as proficient relationship-wise as her friends.
11. And you know this how?
Are you still with me, Geoff?
12. What is the common thread, above?
Hint: Over analyzing. Yesterday, I replied to a thread with the following comment: "I believe what we have here is a failure to communicate."
Relationships are partnerships, so too is making love. These are not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other in partnership. Explore and learn together.
Relationships are formed by two individuals each with a past who choose to join together in order to have a future greater than the sum of its two parts. If you believe some aspect(s) of your relationship are inadequate, then my adamant recommendation is for you to wake up every morning and ask yourself this question:
** "What can I do today to make Ginny's life better?" Now, do whatever it is. In the future, do it more often than not. Before you know it, you will have a whole laundry list of ways to improve her life and as a result--yours.
Have you heard the old adage: "to 'assume' is to make an 'ass' out of 'u' & 'me'"? Communication is the keystone to every relationship. So too is providing feedback {verbal and/or non-verbal) on how we are responding to our partner's actions {as one example: kisses and caresses) and for what we need now/next. Geoff, from what you have presented to us, above, it is clear to me that you need to talk to each other. The two of you need to open a line of communication between you.
Whether or not one or more of your concerns prove to be true, talking about your concerns will help to make the situation better, or at the very least, instill confidence that what she says to you is true. That you question her, indicates that you have issues with trust as well as self confidence.
13. Does Ginny know about the SI101 Board and its Forums? If so, has she explored the site?
Another recommendation I have is for you to casually tell her that you would like to explore ways to make your relationship (even) better, then enlist her help. Begin by reading each and every article listed in the Index {found at the top of the main screen), either together or separately, discuss what you have learned, and then add the information to what each of you already knows.
Next, begin to practice the how-to suggestions, particularly those that EvilEvilKitten {EEK) writes about. You now have an action plan for excellence as well as excelling as a partner.
Please answer my questions, above, so that those of us who choose to comment will have a better idea of how you view your relationship and why.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
-doc
You do realize that sooner or later, the two of you have to talk. Like really talk. Geoff, there is one thing I'd like to mention
1. Everyone has the moments of desiring something better, it's normal, it's human (damn social advertising.)
2. Don't see her "settling" for you. And so what if she does? She sees something in you that is truly worth something.
3. What I learned is that in relationships, while you are seen as a couple, you also gotta remember that you are individuals. That being said. You are a unique person out of 6 billion people in the world. Stop comparing yourself to others..
Sit down and tell her "look I know you're afraid you might hurt me, but I'd rather that you be upfront and honest with me."
But whatever she tells you or whatever you do, please show a face of maturity. I cannot tell you how many men I know put their women through a guilt phase. No woman deserves that for their own honesty.
By the way, does she eventually admit that she has some minor qualms? If she does, then trust me she genuinely cares about you enough to know what battles she needs to deal with.
[QUOTE=sensualGoddess;271215]You do realize that sooner or later, the two of you have to talk. Like really talk. Geoff, there is one thing I'd like to mention
1. Everyone has the moments of desiring something better, it's normal, it's human (damn social advertising.)
2. Don't see her "settling" for you. And so what if she does? She sees something in you that is truly worth something.
3. What I learned is that in relationships, while you are seen as a couple, you also gotta remember that you are individuals. That being said. You are a unique person out of 6 billion people in the world. Stop comparing yourself to others..
Sit down and tell her "look I know you're afraid you might hurt me, but I'd rather that you be upfront and honest with me."
But whatever she tells you or whatever you do, please show a face of maturity. I cannot tell you how many men I know put their women through a guilt phase. No woman deserves that for their own honesty.
By the way, does she eventually admit that she has some minor qualms? If she does, then trust me she genuinely cares about you enough to know what battles she needs to deal with.[/QUOTE]
Sometimes...but I don't know. I just wish sometimes she didn't want me. I feel like I'm holding her back...and that she secretly resents every minute we're together when she could be with someone else, and to tell the truth I kinda resent her for finding something in me....
Geoff, let me begin by giving you lots of kudos for reading and then replying to my long-winded response, above. Many people would brush off the questions or simply give a short acknowledgement with no clarification.
> I just wish sometimes she didn't want me. I feel like I'm holding her back...and that she secretly resents every minute we're together when she could be with someone else, and to tell the truth I kinda resent her for finding something in me.
sG provides sage advice. Go with it.
Perhaps the two of you need a break from each other. How old are each of you? How many people have each of you previously dated?
Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about finding Ms./Mr. Right by getting to know many different people in order to learn about each of their ideas, goals, morals, values, quirks, interests, how they interact with others (in public, also), and character.
If the two of you do not or cannot open a line of communication then in my never to be so humble opinion the two of you should probably go your separate ways. Why?
Without knowing more than what you have already shared, your girlfriend would seem to need time to mature and grow up. You need time to find your self confidence, esteem, and, to learn about trusting others and their word. This comes by experiencing and interacting with many different people over time, thru social and business interactions as well as from dating.
So, find yourself through others, and, store away the information in all of the articles for future reference.
When it comes to finding love, let love blossom out of a sincere friendship. All too often two people will find each other and then decide to make a relationship work even if.... This is neither healthy or prudent. If love is to develop, it happens as a result the friendship two people have, the interests, ideals, goals, they have--not because there is an infatuation or lust as can happen during the teen years. Keep in mind that of the many women you date, all but one or two will fall by the wayside, some sooner some later. Not all friendships will develop into love and later "being in love".
Spend this time alone and while dating lots of different people to find yourself, Geoff.
-doc
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;271219]
sG provides sage advice. Go with it.
Perhaps the two of you need a break from each other. How old are each of you? How many people have each of you previously dated?[/QUOTE]
I'm 26 and she's 24....She...has an unknown number of exes...I never ask....I've...had one previous person I dated but it wasn't serious.
[QUOTE]Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about finding Ms./Mr. Right by getting to know many different people in order to learn about each of their ideas, goals, morals, values, quirks, interests, how they interact with others (in public, also), and character.[/QUOTE]
I really do like her, but I often feel she's too good for me.
[QUOTE]If the two of you do not or cannot open a line of communication then in my never to be so humble opinion the two of you should probably go your separate ways. Why?[/QUOTE]
I am worried about talking to her about it because I don't want to out my insecurities because I'm worried she'll be frightened...which sounds stupid...
[QUOTE]Without knowing more than what you have already shared, your girlfriend would seem to need time to mature and grow up. You need time to find your self confidence, esteem, and, to learn about trusting others and their word. This comes by experiencing and interacting with many different people over time, thru social and business interactions as well as from dating.[/QUOTE]
To be honest I've never trusted people terribly well. It seems to me from everything from friends to well now this...that people just tend to tolerate me, and that they only ask me along when either the A: don't care or B: can't find anyone else.
[QUOTE]When it comes to finding love, let love blossom out of a sincere friendship. All too often two people will find each other and then decide to make a relationship work even if.... This is neither healthy or prudent. If love is to develop, it happens as a result the friendship two people have, the interests, ideals, goals, they have--not because there is an infatuation or lust as can happen during the teen years. Keep in mind that of the many women you date, all but one or two will fall by the wayside, some sooner some later. Not all friendships will develop into love and later "being in love". [/QUOTE]
She is my best friend now...and has been.
[QUOTE]Spend this time alone and while dating lots of different people to find yourself, Geoff.
-doc[/QUOTE]
I don't really date people...I mean she started asking me out...and before then I just didn't...really go out looking for women....
ROMANCE is a single rose because you got your hair cut.
ROMANCE is sharing a bottle of wine (or whatever) in fancy glasses on the sofa watching the sun go down.
ROMANCE is walking snuggled up arm-in-arm along a snow covered street in the winter twilight when the air is still.
NOT some big Las Vegas production with neon signs and loud music.
In the future, when in doubt, cut your 'romantic gesture' in half before proceeding.
You are in control of your happiness and your life. You don't go out much or never really approached women. Why? What is so bad about you that you think no woman would be happy with you? And why are you afraid of her response to you outing your insecurities? If you can't be honest with her who can you be? You have to learn to trust people. You trying to sabotage this relationship thinking you are no good because you are afraid to get hurt. So the only way you can control not getting hurt is by ending the relationship. But the result is you are still hurt she is gone and you get that same depression if she ended it.
You have to talk with your gf. She deserves that because this is her life and happiness at risk too. On top of that you NEED to find someone that specializes in providing confidence building exercises. Dating coach or someone. And I would recommend taking some dance classes. This will boost your confidence to talk to women. if your gf likes to dance, which most women do then you have added something to the relationship that makes both of you happy.
[QUOTE=big916;271226]You are in control of your happiness and your life. You don't go out much or never really approached women. Why? What is so bad about you that you think no woman would be happy with you?[/QUOTE]
I'm not all that attractive...and I am insecure...about a lot of things. I'm kinda boring...and you know...self-esteem and I tend....to be odd. I don't really trust people...in general....I mean I have a history of not liking being touched...and only through a rather rough series of events have I come to tolerate and even enjoy Ginny touching me...I don't know if I could go through something like that with someone else...I really don't like being touched....
So...I tend to stay away from people....and I just sort of stopped caring...I was handling what I had to to keep my desire down and I sort of dug into my work and stuff...my friends just sort of quit trying...and then I happen to have this encounter with this woman over a few days and she asked me out...and I said yes because I was surprised and well it kidn of went on from there....
[QUOTE]
You have to talk with your gf. She deserves that because this is her life and happiness at risk too. On top of that you NEED to find someone that specializes in providing confidence building exercises. Dating coach or someone. And I would recommend taking some dance classes. This will boost your confidence to talk to women. if your gf likes to dance, which most women do then you have added something to the relationship that makes both of you happy.[/QUOTE]
I know...
> > You don't go out much or never really approached women.
> I'm not all that attractive
> I am insecure
> I'm kinda boring
> self-esteem
> I tend to be odd
> I don't really trust people
> I have a history of not liking being touched
> I really don't like being touched
> I tend to stay away from people
> It seems to me ...that people just tend to tolerate me, and that they only ask me along when either the A: don't care or B: can't find anyone else.
You must be content with all this so why complain? If you wanted to change it seems to me you'd be doing something about these issues.
If you want help, I have just the recommendation for you: Become an actor, and just like being in a play or movie, act like the person you wish to emulate or become. This acting job will take some time and effort but this method works with many people in many cases--and, it is free and less time consuming than professional counseling. By acting the part of the person you wish to portray, you will soon develop and adopt those characteristics and behaviors yourself.
There is an article in the Index that discusses the matter of trust.
After this last round of information, I really do believe that the two of you should part company. You are not able to make this woman happy at this time. Jinny seems from what you surmise to be putting up with you. Why?
I believe you need to work on Jeoff, Jeoff. You definitely have some work to do in order to win friends and influence people, as the saying goes. I was thirty before I was really happy and content with myself; my twenties were taken up with college, the Army, and a new marriage. My troubles were not nearly as severe; however, I did have to learn how to act like an adult and behave like an adult. Fortunately, nowadays, we have all this expert help and resources.
Question: when will you stop this "woe is me" behavior and begin figuring out how to fix yourself? The sooner you begin, the sooner your contentment with yourself. The sooner you begin, the sooner people will value your company and what you have to say.
Once you become one with yourself, you will have positive attributes to offer others, so can begin to date, again.
Here is another action plan.
-doc
P.S. I do believe that learning to Ballroom dance is an excellent way to win friends and influence people. It may also help overcome your aversion to being touched, I don't know. It is worth a try, because your social skills will improve, you'll be exercising and learning skills, and just having fun.
Geoff - stop whining to get attention; you're not two years old any more. You know what the issue is - fix it.
I don't see anything that wouldn't have already been addressed in the posts a year ago,.
Thank you for mentioning last year's discussions. I purposely did not refer to them just to see where the discussion was headed a year later.
Does Jinny understand the benefits of masturbating?
Benefits of Masturbating for Boys and for Girls
Why Women's Orgasms?
Female Sexual Response
Never Too Late
For Women Only- Help! Why Can't He Make Me Orgasm?
Learning how....
What about you, Geoff? Do you masturbate? How often? {per day/per week)
When you do is it mostly for pleasure? Mostly to release stress and tension? Half and Half?
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;271251]Thank you for mentioning last year's discussions. I purposely did not refer to them just to see where the discussion was headed a year later.
Does Jinny understand the benefits of masturbating?
Benefits of Masturbating for Boys and for Girls
Why Women's Orgasms?
Female Sexual Response
Never Too Late
For Women Only- Help! Why Can't He Make Me Orgasm?
Learning how....
What about you, Geoff? Do you masturbate? How often? {per day/per week)
When you do is it mostly for pleasure? Mostly to release stress and tension? Half and Half?[/QUOTE]
Yes she's aware...yes I do, I don't know it varies week to week, day to day month to month...and when I was alone, I did it mostly to get rid of the issue....I mean if I don't then it just turns into a wet dream so what's the point of not masterbating...and currently I do it mostly so as to prepare myself for having sex with Ginny. I don't particularly enjoy it, though it does feel good...but feeling good isn't enjoying, because the feeling is never long lasting and never satisfying. I do it mostly for functional purposes or by habit....I figure it's best if I'm consciously in control of the mess than having it spring up on me once or twice a month...in my sleep.
With all this negativity about orgasms, why do you want intercourse, exactly? I am going out on a very short limb and bet that if and when the two of you ever do get beyond the "like" stage and actually "make love" and not just have intercourse that you'd be scoring the event and not relishing in the fact that you "scored" with a girl.
I believe both of you need to spend time away from each other in order to work on your respective issues. Neither of you is ready for a relationship deeper than just a friendship.
How can you love someone else if you cannot love yourself? Your predicament has now gone beyond a year with no hint of change. Our ideas and recommendations have as yet been ignored. I do not see either of you embracing a willingness to change. Geoff, I believe you would benefit from talking with a professional counselor. This has gone beyond any of our abilities to help you especially when you seem more concerned about complaining than actually becoming proactive and trying some positive steps forward.
How many other boys/men around the globe do you think believe as you do about masturbation?
Benefits of Masturbating for Boys and for Girls
Geoff, it sounds to me like sex is more like a necessary chore to you. That you'd rather skip it, were it not for the sake of a clean bed in the morning and the sacrifice to keep Ginny happy... Did I get that right?
I've spoken with several people over the years with similar problems (informal conversation, not professional). They all had different reasons; a history of abuse, rape, strict or religious upbringing, physical abnormality -even something an outsider would consider minor-, inheritable decease, the failure to have children, etc. Anything in life that had caused them to not love themselves, revolt their bodies and/or to have a negative attitude towards sex in general. Sometimes events people had kept hidden or even denied to themselves it had happened to "survive". But surviving isn't the same as coping. Surviving isn't living.
So far one thing is clear to me: in order to really like sex, you need to start liking your body and yourself. In order to love someone else truly, you need to be able to love yourself.
As DD2, I'd much recommend you to have a talk with a counselor. Believe me, I know this can be something that at first makes you jump like a scared horse. I thought I was a tough girl and could deal with the world myself like I had always done. I didn't need a counselor, certainly not since my momma told me that's for the crazies. But asking for help does not mean you've been defeated, it means you're strong enough to admit you need it. It means you're not sobbingly taking life as miserable as it is, but taking your life back into your own hands and make it shine! A counselor is not someone who tells you what to do. It's someone with a gift for listening and asking the right questions. They guide you to find the answers at your own strength. And that may just be what you need! I hope it will bring you a smile :)
Geoff, I wish you luck and love!
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;271298]With all this negativity about orgasms, why do you want intercourse, exactly? I am going out on a very short limb and bet that if and when the two of you ever do get beyond the "like" stage and actually "make love" and not just have intercourse that you'd be scoring the event and not relishing in the fact that you "scored" with a girl.[/QUOTE]
Relishing in scoring with a girl sounds like something deeply...immature. I make her happy...ish....that makes me feel good. I do it because I want to make her feel good. I attempt to better my technique so that she feels better. Isn't that responsible? Sounds more responsible than 'going out there to relish in scoring with a girl...which sounds particularly vague and unseemly'.
I mean unless I'm completely misinterpretting that then it does seem to suggest that I should just want to score with a girl...irregardless of her feelings on how the score was achieved. I do enjoy having sex with Ginny, but my enjoyment is based upon hers...I would, for instance, not enjoy having sex with her if she didn't enjoy it....I like knowing that she wants to have sex with me, rather than have to worry about if her having sex with me is because she feels she has to...which is largely why I wait for her to instigate it. Her instigation of sex is a truer advertisement of her desire to have sex than is her allowing me to have sex with her after I instigate it.
[QUOTE]I believe both of you need to spend time away from each other in order to work on your respective issues. Neither of you is ready for a relationship deeper than just a friendship.[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry but that kind of rather terminal diagnosis is a bit overstretching considering you aren't actually interacting with us in real time or observing actual behavior? I don't mean to disparage but there are people who actually take advice from here...and other than in extreme cases of physical/emotional/sexual abuse telling strangers to break up seems...a tinge irresponsible.
[QUOTE]How can you love someone else if you cannot love yourself? Your predicament has now gone beyond a year with no hint of change. Our ideas and recommendations have as yet been ignored. I do not see either of you embracing a willingness to change. Geoff, I believe you would benefit from talking with a professional counselor. This has gone beyond any of our abilities to help you especially when you seem more concerned about complaining than actually becoming proactive and trying some positive steps forward.[/QUOTE]
Well that's patently a lie. I've opened up so much more than I was in the past both physically and emotionally...do you really believe a year ago I'd bother coming here of my own free will to ask about a sex question...actally do you actually believe a year ago I'd allow her to have sex with me...let alone like it in the least?
[QUOTE]How many other boys/men around the globe do you think believe as you do about masturbation?
Benefits of Masturbating for Boys and for Girls[/QUOTE]
I could quite truthfully say I don't give a flying damn about what other guys believe about masterbation...it's my masterbation not their's...so quite frankly they can keep their hands off of it.
Yep! Do no make the attempt to score with a girl - too risky - you might expose yourself to success - better to stay nice and safe and TIMID at home.
You could happily spend the rest of your life being miserable and worrying that you're failing your gf. Or you could actually get with the doctors and DO something to FIX it. By refusing to do so, YOU are the one being irresponsible, not us.
Geoff here reminds me of my maiden aunt.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271305]Yep! Do no make the attempt to score with a girl - too risky - you might expose yourself to success - better to stay nice and safe and TIMID at home. [/QUOTE]
I do have sex with this woman. It is for the most part enjoyable. I just want to improve it for her. I really wonder if some people actually bother to read...or if they just judge people outright before bothering.
I mean when did our society get so immature that we actually have decided the concept of 'scoring' is far more important than comfort and caring about our partner's experience....
[QUOTE]You could happily spend the rest of your life being miserable and worrying that you're failing your gf. Or you could actually get with the doctors and DO something to FIX it. By refusing to do so, YOU are the one being irresponsible, not us. [/QUOTE]
What doctors? I don't need a doctor, I'm not ill. And no I will not have testosterone therapy, I'm not destroying my kidneys or liver because I don't have a sexual desire level that you or anyone else approves of.
[QUOTE] Geoff here reminds me of my maiden aunt.[/QUOTE]
EEK reminds me of a person who can't be bothered to make proper arguments but believes she can bully anyone into anything...and that by calling a person names will actually motivate them...almost reminds me of Cotton Hill from King of the Hill...a cantankerous old git with his shins shot off...and all he does is belittle, berate and overall act a jackass to anyone...
Geoff EEK is an experienced counsellor and soft domme.She says it how it is and doesn't mince words.Read her profile and look at how many posts she has submitted on here.I'm sure that she doesn't need me to defend her,as she can take care of herself quite well.She gave me a good kick in the pants and I am better for it.I admire her for her honesty and forthrightness.To put it bluntly Ginny wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to be.She asked you out right,and she can leave you at any time if she wanted.It seems that you are very immature and afraid of losing what you have.
[QUOTE=Aphrodite_66;271320]Geoff EEK is an experienced counsellor and soft domme.She says it how it is and doesn't mince words.Read her profile and look at how many posts she has submitted on here.I'm sure that she doesn't need me to defend her,as she can take care of herself quite well.She gave me a good kick in the pants and I am better for it.I admire her for her honesty and forthrightness.To put it bluntly Ginny wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to be.She asked you out right,and she can leave you at any time if she wanted.It seems that you are very immature and afraid of losing what you have.[/QUOTE]
The problem is that she seems to think that if everyone isn't in the soft domme style of polygynandrous relationships she's in that they need to be fixed....and they don't.
I've read her profile, and her multiple posts...I'm not particularly impressed.
Immature compared to the 'scoring' philosophy that circuits this site...please. No wonder they always tell people to break up...you can't get more scoring done if you bother to maintain a monogamous relationship.
Someone's obviously beginning to show his voice more in his postings. Well done. So, you actually do have some ideals of what you think makes a good relationship. For the first time, I'm sensing your fire.
So here's the question.
Do you want to stay with Ginny or not??
SB:I like EEK for this reason. Yes, she may be tough. But she is definitely the one who helps to either figure out what you truly want or helps you find the fiery passion/desire etc. Hell, this chick is the person or superhero in us that makes us want to bust down that brick or steel wall and make us want to take control of what life throws at us.
The entire point about 'scoring' was a question of having the courage to change. By your rebuttal, the answer is no, you haven't. Despite your lingering fears that you may not be whatever enough, you resist changing - at all, in any way - esp if in a way that seems to violate your current mindset - even if the change would/might please your partner. If you don't enjoy being compared to a non-sexual woman who is utterly confirmed in her baseless opinions, then don't behave in a way that invites such a comparison.
In your current situation, you appear more of an egotist than I am (see bold print above) in that you are a selfish lover who doesn't trust his lady no matter what she says even though she's stuck by you and tried to help you all this time using whatever she could find - and still does!
It is that deliberate blindness of yours that makes kicking you irresistable!
Or as funinthesun said earlier "I don't see anything that wouldn't have already been addressed in the posts a year ago,."
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271338]The entire point about 'scoring' was a question of having the courage to change. By your rebuttal, the answer is no, you haven't. Despite your lingering fears that you may not be whatever enough, you resist changing - at all, in any way - esp if in a way that seems to violate your current mindset - even if the change would/might please your partner. If you don't enjoy being compared to a non-sexual woman who is utterly confirmed in her baseless opinions, then don't behave in a way that invites such a comparison.
[/QUOTE]
Well, I don't enjoy being compared because it isn't true...if you could at least provide an adequate comparison I wouldn't be so bothered...
And I have changed significantly since a year ago...from being terrified of physical intimacy to being accepting of it and even enjoying it in a way.
Selfish lover? I attend to Ginny's desires every time she asks me to, and I try to do it in the most satisfactory manner I can, to make her happy. There are times I really don't want to and I do it anyways...because I know it makes her happy. So don't even try to say I'm freaking selfish because it's not true...
Then if you attend to all her desires and needs than how do you not know your good enough? Stop being so freakin dense kid. You don't have to be uncaring of her needs to be selfish. You can be selfish by being completely attentive. How? Well because your being attentive to her needs but only hearing what you want to hear. She says good and you say no
"Selfish lover? I attend to Ginny's desires every time she asks me to, and I try to do it in the most satisfactory manner I can, to make her happy. There are times I really don't want to and I do it anyways...because I know it makes her happy. So don't even try to say I'm freaking selfish because it's not true..."
You do not see that by merely 'doing it to make her happy' you are depriving her of what she truly desires? You're not making love to her because you desire her and your blood is roaring in your veins - you're having sex with her to shut her up. She's getting 'appeasement sex' and accepting it because it is more than she got last year - by your own admission. PErhaps you're not as selfish as you used to be? But you're still not entirely innocent of the charge.
A glorious conflagration of souls joyusly reaffirming life itself is my definition of sex and lovemaking and I leap into his arms with fire in my eyes and deisire for him in my heart; without pretenses, without reservations, holding nothing back.
Compared to the above, how can you in all justice say you're neither selfish nor maiden aunt-like?
"Selfish lover? I attend to Ginny's desires every time she asks me to, and I try to do it in the most satisfactory manner I can, to make her happy. There are times I really don't want to and I do it anyways...because I know it makes her happy. So don't even try to say I'm freaking selfish because it's not true..."
You do not see that by merely 'doing it to make her happy' you are depriving her of what she truly desires? You're not making love to her because you desire her and your blood is roaring in your veins - you're having sex with her to shut her up. She's getting 'appeasement sex' and accepting it because it is more than she got last year - by your own admission. PErhaps you're not as selfish as you used to be? But you're still not entirely innocent of the charge.
A glorious conflagration of souls joyusly reaffirming life itself is my definition of sex and lovemaking and I leap into his arms with fire in my eyes and deisire for him in my heart; without pretenses, without reservations, holding nothing back.
Compared to the above, how can you in all justice say you're neither selfish nor maiden aunt-like? No, you do not have to be exactly like me, I don't expect that, but I do expect you to open up your heart and mind enough to let the fear go and LIVE.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271351]
You do not see that by merely 'doing it to make her happy' you are depriving her of what she truly desires? You're not making love to her because you desire her and your blood is roaring in your veins - you're having sex with her to shut her up. She's getting 'appeasement sex' and accepting it because it is more than she got last year - by your own admission. PErhaps you're not as selfish as you used to be? But you're still not entirely innocent of the charge.[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't know what to do with blood roaring in my veins...my blood doesn't roar really about anything, ever. At best it gets mildly choppy...
[QUOTE]A glorious conflagration of souls joyusly reaffirming life itself is my definition of sex and lovemaking and I leap into his arms with fire in my eyes and deisire for him in my heart; without pretenses, without reservations, holding nothing back.[/QUOTE]
It isn't that I'm not giving her everything it's just...I don't have much to give...I mean it's not like it's just that I Don't enjoy having sex with Ginny...I've never really enjoyed much of anything ever...I wouldn't know what it feels like. Don't get me wrong, I like engaging in sex with Ginny, because it makes her happy (not because I want her to shut up...I really like it when she's happy). I just don't feel the sustained pleasure that she does.
[QUOTE]Compared to the above, how can you in all justice say you're neither selfish nor maiden aunt-like? No, you do not have to be exactly like me, I don't expect that, but I do expect you to open up your heart and mind enough to let the fear go and LIVE.[/QUOTE]
I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with. I just don't get her desire of me...and it hurts when I see her look at me and know that she wants me but not being able to see why.....
Why? Tis obvious. She sees in you what you fail to see in yourself.
The reason you need to see a doctor is because your blood doesn't roar in your veins. The reason lies either in body or mind - go find out which and fix it.
It really is just that simple.
[QUOTE=RedRoses;271398]Geoff, I understand your feelings on medication. But what are your thoughts/feelings/pro's&cons on a professional who doesn't swings drugs into your face, but will focus on you as a person? Someone who is asking you questions and continues to do so inspired by your answers, allowing you to make your journey at your own strength to the underlying truth to why you can't enjoy. Those sort of counselors definitely exist.
I don't mean to pity you, but it does make me feel sad and somewhat worried that you're able to write:
"I've never really enjoyed much of anything ever..."
Life can be so amazingly beautiful that it takes your breath away and makes your heart stop. An ecstatic moment in which your entire skin tingles. I'd wish you to feel that at least once in your life.[/QUOTE]
I do have some skin tingling moments but they don't last very long...and are not easy to achieve...
For instance when it comes to sex...there's no afterglow...after the orgasm I just feel...empty....
[QUOTE=sensualGoddess;271400]He said this verbatim...yikes.
1. That doctor is a jerk...to put it lightly but if this is what he said and what others have noticed...it would have been better that someone could have come up with a diagnosis.
I find it interesting that you take to heart anything negative that a person may say to you versus when someone says something positive about you and you cannot believe it.
I mean at the least, even if life is dreary and dragging way too long to care about, it's one those things that you have to see a bright side to a situation. You know?
Why the resistance?
What is the worst thing that can happen?
Getting back to the post at hand, all I can tell you is that you determine what can happen, what might happen. This is one of those things that you would definitely need to sit down and figure out. I don't know if you are searching for logic or a way out, but you have something that a lot of people would literally kill for at this time and age. Some of us have various answers that may not sync with what you are trying to figure out and I know based on postings from last year, you have come quite a way.
But there are other underlying issues that have got to be addressed sooner or later (more so sooner.)
At the extreme, you can try a different change of pace. For instance, you can try to find something that might raise your adrenaline levels. Or do something that you've been afraid to do in general.
I don't know if there's anything here that has helped you so far. Everything else is internal, only you can figure out what you truly want or need.[/QUOTE]
I asked him specifically about my testosterone titers...and he said that they were normal...and I said 'normal?' and he said...'yes normal, maybe a bit low but not enough to be of concern for a person my age and general condition'.
He said this verbatim...yikes.
1. That doctor is a jerk...to put it lightly but if this is what he said and what others have noticed...it would have been better that someone could have come up with a diagnosis.
I find it interesting that you take to heart anything negative that a person may say to you versus when someone says something positive about you and you cannot believe it.
I mean at the least, even if life is dreary and dragging way too long to care about, it's one those things that you have to see a bright side to a situation. You know?
Why the resistance?
What is the worst thing that can happen?
Getting back to the post at hand, all I can tell you is that you determine what can happen, what might happen. This is one of those things that you would definitely need to sit down and figure out. I don't know if you are searching for logic or a way out, but you have something that a lot of people would literally kill for at this time and age. Some of us have various answers that may not sync with what you are trying to figure out and I know based on postings from last year, you have come quite a way.
But there are other underlying issues that have got to be addressed sooner or later (more so sooner.)
At the extreme, you can try a different change of pace. For instance, you can try to find something that might raise your adrenaline levels. Or do something that you've been afraid to do in general.
I don't know if there's anything here that has helped you so far. Everything else is internal, only you can figure out what you truly want or need.
Geoff, I understand your feelings on medication. But what are your thoughts/feelings/pro's&cons on a professional who doesn't swings drugs into your face, but will focus on you as a person? Someone who is asking you questions and continues to do so inspired by your answers, allowing you to make your journey at your own strength to the underlying truth to why you can't enjoy. Those sort of counselors definitely exist.
I don't mean to pity you, but it does make me feel sad and somewhat worried that you're able to write:
"I've never really enjoyed much of anything ever..."
Life can be so amazingly beautiful that it takes your breath away and makes your heart stop. An ecstatic moment in which your entire skin tingles. I'd wish you to feel that at least once in your life.
[QUOTE=sensualGoddess;271394]Quick question.
Did the doctor say that you were on the lower range of normal??
Or is this your own viewing?[/QUOTE]
He said that.
Quick question.
Did the doctor say that you were on the lower range of normal??
Or is this your own viewing?
And that empty feeling may very well be part due to what you were taught about sex as well as your general lack of joy.
Sex, like so much f what's good in life, begins in your BRAIN.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271409]And that empty feeling may very well be part due to what you were taught about sex as well as your general lack of joy.
Sex, like so much f what's good in life, begins in your BRAIN.[/QUOTE]
Unfortunately I was never taught about sex per se. My parents were never horribly interested in the topic....and only ever stated the obvious about safe sex....Which by the time they had said anything I'd already had a rather strongly failed encounter...which had resulted in a round about way in their response about safe sex....After that I kind of just stopped going out. I wasn't going to have sex with when I wasn't particularly interested in it and the only reason to go out with someone was to eventually have sex with them...so I didn't see the point.
Yes I totally agree with EEK on this one.Sex like most things we enjoy is mostly an emotional experience.The brain releases chemicals which makes our bodies react accordingly.I was never told much about sex either.What I learned I read in books or heard from slightly older cousins.Not all of my past sexual experiences were good.I was sexually abused for eight years by my uncle,and also an old man who boarded with my grandmother.Plus I was physically,mentally and emotionally abused by my estranged husband.I didn't love myself and could not understand why he wanted sex with me when he treated me so badly.I too felt empty and cold afterwards.I couldn't masturbate or have an orgasm (I constantly faked it),and only enjoyed it when I was drunk.
It has taken me years to change myself for the better,and EEK has played a big part of that rejuvenation.I love who I am,even though I'm not perfect.I have a loving partner who accepts me for who I am,and treats me with respect.
Do you not think that Ginny wants to be there for you because she loves you. If she didn't why would she bother staying. Do you even love her? Do you initiate sexual activities with her? Or do you leave it entirely up to her to decide when it happens?
I ask these questions because it just seems to me that things are a little lopsided on Ginny's side of things.How much effort are you putting into the relationship?Ginny seems to be doing all of the leg work and making the sexual requests.It takes two to tango and keep a relationship alive,and no I'm not judging you.I am just trying to help you solve what is wrong in your relationship.
One strongly failed encounter..and then you gave it up.
So you're saying sex is like sky-diving. No?
Then why are you letting one fall determine the rest of your life?
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271438]One strongly failed encounter..and then you gave it up.
So you're saying sex is like sky-diving. No?
Then why are you letting one fall determine the rest of your life?[/QUOTE]
Not really, gave up...just didn't see the point.
There does not need to be point for sex.
Biologically, yes, the point is to procreate and make babies, but truly and honestly, sex does not need to have an exact point or an exact meaning to be sought out.
[QUOTE=sensualGoddess;271446]There does not need to be point for sex.
Biologically, yes, the point is to procreate and make babies, but truly and honestly, sex does not need to have an exact point or an exact meaning to be sought out.[/QUOTE]
Then allow me to put it another way, I wasn't motivated to go and get sex. It didn't enthrall me. I didn't pine for another woman, I wasn't interested. I had no desire to find another woman, not because I was scared to...but because it didn't interest me. I felt fine alone...
And with Ginny I am motivated because it makes her happy which makes me happy...but if it was just a sex for sex's sake I wouldn't bother because I don't see the benefit in going through all that investment for something that doesn't satisfy me on its own.
There is a point other than reproduction - happiness through intimacy and the closest of friendships possible. To put it another way - JOY.
EEK. Sex is only for making babies!
Ducy: PIFFLE! You only say such nonsense because you're not getting enough.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;271452]There is a point other than reproduction - happiness through intimacy and the closest of friendships possible. To put it another way - JOY.[/QUOTE]
I do feel happy when we're intimate...but not from the intimacy itself...if that makes sense?
Maybe I should just pounce one evening....just see her reaction....
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