Here is the deal. My girlfriend and I love each other TONS!!! She is an awesome lover and an awesome girl. The first few times she and I were together she gave me head and it was incredible. Every time since though, the quality of head has not changed, but my ability to cum has. For some reason I cannot cum when she goes down on me. It is really disappointing for the both of us.
I think there are several factors going into this. First off is the fact that the most recent circumstances where she has given me head have been less than ideal, where people could come in the room unexpectedly or parents in the other rooms, etc. Second, she has told me that she REALLY wants me to come and gets very disappointed when I don't. Thirdly, I don't have problems cumming when we have intercourse. Fourth, this is the first girlfriend I have ever had that didn't view giving head as a chore and actually WANTS me to cum for her.
Anyone have any ideas for us?
Your conclusion is probably correct regarding the fear of discovery and your ability to concentrate and focus. Things like this be it inside or outside noises are sufficent to distract and sidetrack our progress toward achieving a climax.
Even when conditions are ideal, most of us do better when oral is combined with manual {hand) stroking in the final stage leading up to the triggering of our orgasm. She should also concentrate on the Frenulum (Y-shaped ridge of skin extending from the cleft to the top of the shaft) or one of the hot spots on the Corona Rim. Give her some feedback on what is working for you in the moment so that she can continue, vary, or change what she is doing to suit.
Feedback is important for another reason. When we masturbate we benefit from internal feedback in order to modulate or change what we are doing. When someone else is stimulating us we no longer have the benefit of this feedback, so a replacement must be found. Sexperts recommend giving our partner verbal and/or non-verbal feedback in the forms of a word or other utterance that convey how we are responding to their caress and for what we may need--now. Non-verbal can be a squeeze of the hand or other form of body english that the two of you work out to have specific meanings.
> she has told me that she REALLY wants me to come and gets very disappointed when I don't.
I understand her unhappiness; however, she must understand that in expressing it she could be contribuiting to the problem. The why of it has to do with the male "fragile male ego". Guys can fend off a lot of hits, yet one critical word from our lover is enough to bring us to our knees or crumple us into a ball. You might want to explain this to her in a kind way.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
[QUOTE=Quote (dancingdoc2 @ Jan. 04 2006,00:07)]> she has told me that she REALLY wants me to come and gets very disappointed when I don't.
I understand her unhappiness; however, she must understand that in expressing it she could be contribuiting to the problem. The why of it has to do with the male "fragile male ego". Guys can fend off a lot of hits, yet one critical word from our lover is enough to bring us to our knees or crumple us into a ball. You might want to explain this to her in a kind way.[/QUOTE]
I agree... I mean its not a contest where you HAVE to cross the finish line.
My b/f will give me oral usually to just get me warmed up...and doesn't matter if I orgasm or not...it still feels REALLY good.
Also, I dont always orgasm when we have sex. Sometimes.. I just cant. I mean everything will feel good and he/I could try things a million ways... and if its not meant to happen.. its not going to. It doesn't bother me... and he's learned that its not "his fault" and not to pressure me or for him to get all bummed out. Makes me feel less guilty about not being able to if the other person isn't taking it as a flaw on their part.
Thanks a ton dancingdoc2. I tend to agree. I think the fear of discovery has a lot to do with it. Of course the last thing you mentioned and what demonbuttercup allueded to is having a huge impact. She and I have already talked and she is going to start viewing oral sex as a part of foreplay rather than a seperate form of sex where it MUST result in orgasm. I think that will help a ton. I mean, it feels awesome when I cum from her orally.
Her technique is awesome. There is no reason for her to correct what she is doing at all. I just feel that everything is mounting for us. We just don't have the opportunities that we would like to be comfortable with each other. I mean, we are so close and comitted, but comfortable in the sense that we don't have to worry, but just enjoy each other.
I don't really have any other questions, except a medical one. I think my jerk of a doctor messed up my circumcision. My penis tends to get raw on one side with lots of prolonged friction. I believe the circumcision was cut too close and therefore the skin is VERY thin there. Is there anything I can do?
> I mean, it feels awesome when I cum from her orally.
As it should. When masturbating we get all hot and bothered but do not reach a level of arousal and sexual excitement nearly as great as when we are in the presence of our lover. The "sparks" and pheromones fly between a couple and the intensity of our arousal is increased by several orders of magnetude. Makes a good case for having a lover around.
> she is going to start viewing oral sex as a part of foreplay rather than a seperate form of sex where it MUST result in orgasm.
Both viewpoints are valid. I agree that oral stimulation should be considered to be an extension of foreplay; however, in and of itself, it is an excellent substitute for intercourse and attaining an orgasm. Now, having said that, as demonbuttercup has said, it can be used to raise a person's level of arousal and get their motor running faster, and, it can also be used to rev up the turbocharger, and, it can be used to cross the finish line. Forgive the loose correlations.
> I think my jerk of a doctor messed up my circumcision.
Was the procedure a recent one or are you talking about what happened right after birth?
> My penis tends to get raw on one side with lots of prolonged friction. I believe the circumcision was cut too close and therefore the skin is VERY thin there.
I doubt that, especially if the procedure was done a few days after birth. More than likely you have some sensitive nerve endings right there.
> Is there anything I can do?
I gather this is one of your hot-spots. It is quite common for guys to rub themselves raw when they do not use lubrication.** When this happens it is not uncommon to have the open wound(s) scab over and this can be a major inconvenience because the scabs are right over one or more hot spots. Further rubbing aggravates the situation so you either have to live with reopening an abbrasion or finding a substitute for that particular spot. Of course, the answer to all of this is to use a lubricant.
If this area of your penis is important to your ability to reach an orgasm, then use a lubricant there. You'll find that much less pressure is required (read: no friction) and you can glide over the skin and achieve the same or even stronger sensations than when stroking the same (or any other area) dry. ***
Regardless of whether a person has a sensitive area of the penis or not, using a lubricant has many benefits so I recommend you purchase or make your own. The latter solution was discussed a day or two ago in another thread.
Lubes are available over the counter in drug departments of supermarkets as well as pharmacies, etc. Home recipies can be found at:
http://jackinworld.com/expert/09lubes.html
**
*** Stroking the shaft can be done in a couple of different ways. Way #1 is to grip the shaft and move the skin back and forth within your grip. Way #2 is to glide over the surface of the skin without moving the skin. Using a lube makes #2 so much easier while also increasing the intensity of what we feel.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
Thanks dancingdoc2. Basically, the circumcision was done at birth and if you could see what I am talking about you might come to the same conclusion as I have. Its not one of my hot spots at all, rather it is a spot that is constantly aggrivated. It is a contact area that is constantly being touched. My pants or boxers are rubbing there quite a bit throughout the day. I always use plenty of lube when ever I play with myself, which doesn't happen often anymore. I also had this problem when I was using lots of condoms and having plenty of sex when I was with a former girlfriend. I dunno. I thank you for your help though.
it kind of seems that i mention this a lot, but you, or she, could try to incorporate different things, for instance ball play (play ball... ha..ha..[sorry, i know that was dumb, but it's late]). or maybe some anal play while she's going down on you, some guys like that kind of thing.
and with that, i'm going to sleep before i make anymore dumb puns.
i do agree with the doc and demon though, in that maybe she's part of the problem without meaning to be by being bummed out some.
Thank you very much for the additional information.
I am not a medical doctor so cannot offer the knowledge Brandye can.
On the one hand if you could leave the area alone when fooling around by yourself or with someone else that would be great; on the other hand, that it is the source of constant and ongoing irritation throughout the day I can understand why you would be bothered.
What difference(s) do you notice with that area between stroking it one way or another and rubbing it within the vagina? I'm just curious why the latter might be less bothersome than the former.
When you stroke the shaft taking the skin with you in your fist or fingers to roll over the area, does that help or not, or no change?
You might ask Brandye about topical ointments/solutions that numb the skin.
Well, to answer your question, the difference between her vagina and her mouth would have to be lubrication. We use lube when we have sex, therefore there is not nearly the friction that there is when she gives me head. I suppose she and I could use an edible lube and that might help. It feels good with more pressure, but it has to be lubed properly.
Paul
Now it is my turn to be silly.
> I suppose she and I could use an edible lube and that might help.
Edible? This conjures up visions of chocolate sauce and whipped cream.
On the other hand why not substitute your penis for a banana float? There is method to my madness here, for you see, cold acts as a numbing agent. The proof came to me years ago when my dentist irrigated my gums with cold water as he was removing some stitches. No pain! So, perhaps this will fuel your imagination.
Now, becoming serious for a moment:
> It feels good with more pressure, but it has to be lubed properly.
It is nice to have choices. She can use more pressure when it serves your purpose or she can avoid the area or spot altogether, particularly if it is not a hot spot. Speaking of which, do you have any and if so where? The Frenulum is the absolute hottest of the hot. One or more others can often be found distributed around the Corona Rim. Have her concentrate on these places with her finger(s). As for oral sitmulation, she doesn't really have to go beyond the Glans.
Suggest to her that she finger the Frenulum when you are nearing an orgasm while working her magic on the Glans with her mouth and tongue. If you would like her to stroke the shaft then have her use the necessary pressure in the area or simply avoid it, depending upon its location. The shaft can be stroked with the thumb and one or two fingers either encircling the shaft or by clamping it on the top and bottom. Try different techniques.
If you want more ideas on technique, have a look at the following link:
www.jackinworld.com
This site deals exclusively with male masturbation. It is a tremendous resource and illustrates many different ways to accomplish the task. It also has recipes for lubes and a myriad of other useful information.