* How can I trust her/him?
* How can I trust him/her, again?
* How can I trust anyone, again, after the last time?
* I worry that s/he is cheating on me....
+ I worry that s/he will cheat on me....
* I am jealous:
- of him
- of her
- that s/he may leave me
- that some guy she meets will take her from me
- because she might like some guy she talks to
* I do not have any confidence in what I think or do
+ I do not think I'm good enough for her and always worry
* I have very little self-esteem or self-worth
-----
TRUST--
Relationships are partnerships in which two people, each with a past, choose to join together in order to have a future that is greater than the sum of its two parts. That said, the two people must have enough confidence in each other early on in order to get the relationship moving.
Regardless of what has happened in the past--or, not, in order for a (new) relationship to begin and move forward, it is necessary to proceed on faith and establish a modicum of trust in the other person. No trust, no long term future. Although trust is earned, in order to initiate trust in the beginning, each of us must give a little to the other person sufficient to get the relationship started and off the ground. That done, the rest is earned through the behavior, deeds, accomplishments, and, reliability, we give to each other.
Commitment does not equate to trust. You have to believe that, unless and until your partner gives indications of behaving any other way than honorable, respectful, and reliably, you can and should trust him/her. The longer the success of the relationship, the deeper and stronger the trust becomes.
It is counter productive to have the attitude that because an -ex proved to be bad, all guys/women therefore must be suspect. (How often have you heard a woman declare: "I don't trust any man?") This is saying in essence that I will trust you only if you successfully meet the following conditions (A, B, C, etc.), first. More often than not, what happens next is that whether he fails to meet one or more of those expectations or not, the woman will continually test him to see if he will eventually fail. The result is relationship stagnation.
Having (mutual) trust is in knowing that each person can count on the other to achieve a common goal.
I worry that--
Unless and until you have been told or have proof to the contrary, "believe" that all is right with the world as you know it. Operate using the principle of "Implied Consent". (Please read the article on this behavioral method.) Unfounded suspicions and needless worry are both counterproductive to a relationship.
When a man or woman is living in fear of some as yet unfounded event happening and dwelling upon this as if inevitable, as Dr. Phil McGraw often states on his TV show: "What I fear I create." Consider the answer to the following questions:
1. Of what benefit is it to be constantly consumed with worry?
2. Of what benefit is it to be so negative rather than to be so
positive in your outlook? **
Better me thinks to be upbeat and positive until you have reason to be otherwise.
JEALOUSY--
When a person exhibits jealousy, s/he also demonstrates a lack of trust that is often accompanied with feelings of insecurity and anxiety over an anticipated collapse of a relationship. Jealousy often manifests itself with a combination of emotions such as anger, and/or resentment, over or about what could happen. Jealousy is irrational and unfounded fear.
Several types of jealousy exist ranging from rivalry to unfounded personal social interactions with other individuals. If you are the "jealous type" then to eliminate this from your life it becomes necessary to trust in your partner.
SELF CONFIDENCE--
Here is the long and the short of it:
[URL="http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/general-discussion/28113-acquiring-self-..."]Acquiring Self Confidence
Building confidence in oneself is an exercise in character building. Part and parcel of this is our perception regarding our integrity, worth, and, our self respect.
SELF ESTEEM--
The term defines how each of us as individuals view ourselves. Our self worth is often determined by how we perceive other people view us. One problem with this is that we sometimes tend to interpret how we believe other people see thru rose colored glasses.
Having good self esteem equates to having good self confidence. When a person states that s/he has low levels of worth, confidence, and, esteem, my response to each is to become an actor in your own life script, much like an actor/actress portrays a movie character. The more you act like the person you wish to emulate, the easier it will be to adopt new traits.
In addition, the more little successes you accumulate in your life and pursuits, the happier you will become with your new found accomplishment, thus the better you will feel about yourself.
If you distrust your partner, then there is little to no reason to continue the relationship. If you distrust your partner--why? Is it because of your insecurity, then you have work to do as the problem lies with you, not her or some potential third party.
If you find it necessary to check on her by phoning or texting or E-mailing or following her around town to check on her, then this is your problem not hers and you have much work to do on yourself. You've got to understand that these are not normal behaviors and because they are not, then the problem must by default be with you.
Now, please understand this: if you fear your girlfriend or wife will leave you, yet you have no facts in evidence, then she is there, with you because she desires to be. A simple concept that many men fail to comprehend.
I hope this is of help.
The point is being yourself as you want to be. If you arent happy with things about you, learn to be happy with them or change them, there is no other real option. That's what the OP is about.
First of all, DD2, my compliments on another great thread! :)
Yet; this advice is something that has been turning through my mind for some time.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;272165]
Having good self esteem equates to having good self confidence. When a person states that s/he has low levels of worth, confidence, and, esteem, my response to each is to become an actor in your own life script, much like an actor/actress portrays a movie character. The more you act like the person you wish to emulate, the easier it will be to adopt new traits.
In addition, the more little successes you accumulate in your life and pursuits, the happier you will become with your new found accomplishment, thus the better you will feel about yourself.[/QUOTE]
I agree that imagination is a powerful thing. Our imagination changes the way we perceive the world. Touch something icy cold, then imagine it's warm and the cold will suddenly be less painful. It's proven to work. Envision yourself as doing something very well, there's quite a chance you'll be more calm instead of raging with nerves of possible failure. Building that attitude will give you more chance of you actually doing it well! And doing it well may reinforce your self-confidence even more :) A tip; do not think "NOT" while imagining ;) Like "please do not fall down". Your primal brain is more prone to forget the "not" and keep the "fall down", making you commanding yourself to fall. Imagine positive, think positive: "walk the stairs calmly". I think positive imagination can bring out the best in ourselves. Things you thought you wouldn't be able to accomplish, you can! Which may bring you more self-worth and self-esteem. The way you perceive reality is all in your mind; the world is your oister, go get it!
But; the advice as quoted, seems to go beyond imagination; acting a lifescript. Acting is pretending something you're not. What if the acted becomes your life, but the person that is "you" is therefor not living it? Repressing yourself, instead of reinforcing your own strength and trusting yourself? As an example: I realized a few years ago I had an appropriate mask for every situation to make myself be loved, to have success, etc. And I was really good at it! But it came with the price I was losing the art of being myself in many ways, the most important emotionally. As another example, a quote by [url=http://www.birthintobeing.com/elena-tonetti]Elena Tonetti (who coaches people in how to redefine their reality)
[INDENT]"I graduated from the College of Arts in Russia in 1980 as an actor. After working in a theater for 9 months I had a powerful realization that all my training in performing arts was about my skills to act as somebody else. It left me with no identity of my own! When I was not playing something I was not, I did not know who I was! Throughout the years of my theater school I was taught that it takes a lot of talent to pretend to be somebody else. The realization that happened to me was that it takes a lot more of a talent to stop pretending. I left the stage and never looked back."[/INDENT]
Iow; Positive imagination peals back a layer you've hidden yourself under. Acting puts another layer on top of yourself to hide under.
THIS>>>"Now, please understand this: if you fear you girlfriend or wife will leave you, yet you have no facts in evidence, then she is there, with you because she desires to be. A simple concept that many men fail to comprehend. "
[QUOTE=Gingerbread Geoff;272172]If I can't be myself then what's the point?
.........
I always in the end feel horrible about who I am. I never feel my successes adding to anything better...they just get drowned out by the building failures I have and that constant internal nagging.[/QUOTE]
If I may be so bold........the way I interpret DD2's advice to "act as if", it's about learning to believe you're better than you currently believe you are. And it's about the fact that it IS a learned activity that takes practice. If you've spent your life with low self-worth, if you've spent your life with such deep self-loathing.....you don't just wake up one morning and whole-heartedly feel comfortable in your own skin and believe: I'm just fine the way I am, possible opinions to the contrary be damned.
At least, you don't without having put some work in. You have to do it yourself, no one else can do it for you. Your door to believing it MUST be open and you must TRY to believe it. Other people telling you you're great won't sink in if the door is closed, and eventually those other people will get drained from the effort and stop trying. So you have to tell yourself, day in, day out, ad nauseum until it's natural that you believe it.
It's not about being what you're not. Because the thing about self-loathing is, you're not what you're letting yourself believe you are. You're not horrible, you're not ugly, you're not a failure, you're not worthless, you're not, you're not, you're not...... You believe you are those things because they are what you have spent your whole life telling yourself you are. You have to learn to let yourself believe that you are what you ACTUALLY are: good, decent, beautiful, successful, worthy..... And you do that by changing the way you communicate with yourself.
People weigh themselves down with expectations of perfection and they make unhealthy demands upon themselves. Perfection is not required, NOR is perfection desireable.
Low self-esteem, fear, and the after effects of abuse make vulnerable people very risk -adverse but unfortunately the only way to break out of the trap is the take the risks - which is where DD's "acting" comes in.
Take a small risk. See if the sky falls. If not, take another small risk. If the sky does fall, regroup and analyze what went wrong where and then try to gain the goal using another path.
Cost/Benefit Analysis
Cost of taking a small step vs the Benefit of reaching the goal
Cost of taking a small step vs the Cost of not taking the small risk
NOT being willing to risk = the cost is a stifled, shrunken, shriveled up soul.
...self esteem and self confidence. I will state for the personal record that for some people, it is a damned if you have , damned if you don't situation. I will not bring up much about my past life, except I recall having significantly higher self-esteem and confidence up until 2009.
It's one thing when you have had men in life that for reasons that cannot be explained that don't ever see you as girlfriend material.
It's another thing when a stranger ALSO does not see you as girlfriend material...and on top of that, makes you feel insecure, inferior and worthless. I really believe that I chose to be oblivious to a lot of things in my life as a coping mechanism...I used to write and performed a lot of poetry, danced and my personality was slightly different than it is now.
2009 ruined a lot for me overall, I was in a different country (my parent's homeland) when things spiraled out of control. To date, I personally have not looked back since then, but I did lose a lot of desirable things that I used to do.
I think some people do take personal risks and for some reason, they still don't get the results they need or want. However, I do believe that there comes a time where a person must face facts about given scenarios and situations. I'm not here to give a sob story about why I think I'm undateable...but sometimes there is that damn bitter pill about life, that there is the small majority that cannot and will not find their perspective partners...
You have stats that back this up...add in divorces, the fact that there are more women in the world than men (mostly), add in the fact that women are globally subject to degradation and then add in socioeconomic issues....it really does start to add up.
My whole point in this particular rant is that there are risks worth taking, but if it's gonna end up being that you will make similar mistakes like you did from before DESPITE taking different perspectives...then, you are really left with nothing but embitterment.
You can risk and learn a lot...or the worst case scenario is that you can risk everything and lose it all...
Where do you go from that point?
Sooner or later the whole "try harder" mantra becomes rather useless. To some the "try harder" mantra is no better than attempting to push a boulder across a landscape.
You say you are "undateable" and I know that the men are not going to tell you the truth about why. But that bitterness you speak of is precisely what turns them away. There is nothing like a lack of joy for keeping the guys backed off.
This isn't a "try harder" post. This is a "throw the bitterness out with the trash" post. If you want to rant and rave then do it to your deity who has blessed you with tribulations and get it out of your system. Go burn a roast in your driveway and salute the bonfire with a glass of wine, dammit. Whatever it takes to rid yourself of it - do it.
And that includes being desperate for a man to the point where if you can't get one you think you're worthless. What do you really care if a total stranger thinks you're undateable - how could he possibly judge without knowing you? Why would you even consider a man who leaps to conclusions based upon no knowledge whatsoever as being worth listening to? STOP IT.
You life went into a death spiral. Why? No, don't tell me. Just figure it out and then fix it. Regroup then rebuild. As many times as it takes. Because it is always in the last place you loork for it that you find what has been lost.
...there needs to be a forum for women with strict cultural backgrounds...that plays a part of it.
I know my bitterness has nothing to do with my current state...as for unadateabilty...I have standards. My summer hasn't totally been too bad. However and for the record this is probably why I am bitter now...when your mother has a say in a potential...then, it becomes hell, but considering the circumstances, I'm just glad she's not arranging who I should date. We did that once, it nearly got me killed and raped. Never again.
There's just something that I look for in men and so far, I don't think my radar has caught anything...it caught one person, he asked me out, I said no...it was a cable guy and it wasn't something I could pursue since if it did become something, it would be a long distance relationship...coast to coast. Plus, I'm sorry, hygiene counts a lot.
The second person, I met at my grad party...he was the cook's son....and he had guts. He told my mom he thought I was good looking. My mom wasn't too happy about that, she even told me not to go near him. Luckily, I invited my ex.
(we're good friends to this day, plus...that my grad party was also relatively stressful, it was just nice to have him around period. For what I put up with, until we have our perspective partners, there's an intimacy that exists whenever I talk to him. I would not trade that for the world right now.)
Before the cook's son left we exchanged numbers. Unfortunately, the cook told my mother the next day that the her son really likes me. My mom told the woman that he could go to hell and if he ever came near me, she'd call the cops.
I told my mother not to expect me to get married or give her any grandkids...I mean this.
Do I need to move out of my house? Definitely...except I'm in one of places that has high taxes, so it's not happening anytime soon.
Until then, I'm working now...I'm happy about that, too bad it's stress filled.
It was after this particular incident that I've been heading down another low. What I'm hoping is a best case scenario that I keep or find another job...and I hang out with people more....otherwise EEK, I know for certain that I will view my life as one big regret...I already get stress filled headaches, I'm not sure if I can put up with those...
What is your mother's problem??? Jeez, what a MONSTER!
Yes hun, you need to get out of there - that's emotional abuse.
And the guys take one look at her and - yep - they run away because they think you will grow and become YOUR MOTHER.
She's the only one working in our fam right now...me as well. There's a lot on my mom's mind now, she's in a new position at her job and we are all dealing with my brother at the moment.
She reached her breaking point last night and I have never seen her get so upset. My heart broke for her yesterday... I know she trusts me, but I think she's afraid of losing control of both of us kids. I've done well for myself, beat a lot of odds definitely...but I'm facing facts at the moment and I cannot be her mirror image.
She has had heart issues lately and I think she's a lot more stressed out than usual. Both of my parents are aware that I am on this site, and I am beginning to think since they can't have kids anymore naturally, that my mom needs to indulge in life a bit more. Granted both my parents have worked literally from the ground up to get where we are today. I would never disregard this as a fact, which is why I kept my life's issues at a minimum. It's something that has taken a bigger toll on me growing up. So we've identified that I do suffer from chronic depression...
The mentality I've grown up with for 19 years before I finally hopped off that bandwagon was that you have to work hard (and I mean hard) before you can enjoy anything.
At this point, I'm worried about a lot more than usual...
You will decisions of this sort easier to make if you acknowledge the emotional content and yet, move on to seek rational answers. It can be difficult to do this because it also mean being willing to let go and permit adults to make their own decisions (right or wrong) and live their own lives - which is very hard for some.