It is called security and responsibility.

ARRRGH!!!

You are a MOTHER now and you have your child to protect, care for, and raise - you two have no time for little girl/boy games.

Set a date and keep it.

(You have sex when the child's asleep or visiting relatives.)

I'm a mother myself and to expect things to be exactly like they were before baby is unrealistic. You do need to set a date to be together, even if it is just for a couple of hours. Spontaneous sex is not going to happen. You can still have spontaneous moments. A sexy little message to him, or a quick grope but having the time and energy when you both happen to be home and awake is just not going to happen enough. Be creative when you plan your time. if the only time you can get a sitter is from 9am-11am then go for it. Get a relative to take her to church with them and you stay home, anything to give you a little time. Just make sure to set your expectations in reality. If you don't have a sex drive anymore you can work with that too. It does get better. My little boys are just 15 months apart so sex for me was rare for quite some time but now that they are a little older and I get some sleep I can actually have sex again!

My libido was non existant after my first. What helped motivate me to get into the mood was to make myself a smidge sexier (like actually shaving) and then we had an agreement I got a nice sensual massage and he got me whatever way he wanted and I would pretend to enjoy it. Not fake an orgasm or anything but not act like I was irritated. He was good enough with massages that I actually started to look forward to our sex life again. If I sent him a text saying I wanted a massage...that was enough to get him going. Get better at complimenting each other. If him doign the dishes turns you on let him know it. Have a night of just foreplay no sex...you'll be so ready to go at it the next time. Hope some of that helped mama!

Sorry I didn't address any of the other issues that came up in this thread, just sticking to the original post

Good man!! I'm proud of him!!

Frankly, I'd much rather have a good, strong, happy marriage than a big white wedding - ANY DAY! And now that he's grabbed hold and said "You will marry me now, dammit!" Chances are he will not let you go ever again!

See how that worked?

Hi
Wow that is really sad because i bet before he baby sex was really good. You need to have your time alone with him.

Think back to high school. What made it so passionate? What did he love for you to do to/with/for him?

Get a sitter, have a nice dinner, make a few indicative comments during dinner, shoot him a few sexy smiles. Then for dessert, blow the dust off of some of those old techniques you both used to love and give 'em a try again. It might even help to mention them in your reference comments during dinner so he can start to heat up.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Thank you for your great post!

[QUOTE=angelraye;218609]i have been with my boyfriend for almost six years and we have a beautiful baby girl.

[COLOR="Blue">Congratulations.[/COLOR]

the thing is either hes to tired or im to busy to have sex and things are getting bad. he informed me tonight that he wants things to go back to like they where when we were in high school where we couldnt keep our hands off each other.

[COLOR="Blue">The two of you are realizing the facts of living as a threesome. Children are demanding, particularly infants and toddlers. It will take both of you and some cooperative scheduling to fit lovemaking into daily or weekly life. It will also take working together in order to get all the tasks done that need to be done. It also takes planning and a concerted effort on his part to put forth the effort and initiate love making. It will take your willingness to respond.

Now, let's break these down:

* Scheduling means actually doing some planning for when to be romantic.
* It will require working together around the house to complete chores. This is a problem in many relationships because the dad works all day, returns home, plops his fanny down, grabs a beer, burps, and tunes out for the rest of the night. Mother, whether she works outside the home or not, works the equivalent of two full time jobs just taking care of a child and household responsibilities. Many times dad will not help out and when asked to take out the garbage, give the child a bath, or whatever, balks. WRONG.
* A relationship is a cooperative partnership and as such there are no responsibilities that are exclusively his or hers. Both are there for whatever work there is to be done in order to help make the relationship greater than the sum of its three parts. So, if your man is not plugged in, he needs to be.
* You need time to unwind and to become receptive. He needs to take charge while you take a bath, nap, zone out, or do something for you so you can later do something with him. He needs to understand this and make it happen.
* Please read EEKs papers on "The Program" and "Body Worship" listed in the Index and put them into practice.
* As for time, place the baby to bed early, or, wake up an hour early on those days you want to fool around.
* If you have family close by, ask one of them to babysit for a couple of hours. You can give the baby to them, if you want the house to yourselves; or, you can have them over if you want to go to dinner and a motel; have a picnic and make out session nearby a bike or hiking trail.[/COLOR]

He also expects me to initate it. he is the only person i have had sex with and were both still learning. I dont know what to do anymore. if anyone can help please do so[/QUOTE]

There is certainly nothing wrong and certainly everything right with you initiating a romp in the hay; however, as in any partnership, it takes both of you, so it is up to him to take the initiative half or more of the time.

If you are still learning the art of Eros, then I recommend reading many of the other articles listed in the Index, linked, above. Read them separately or together. Also, click on the Home page link and go to site's Home Page. Have a look at the links that depict animated illustrations of sexual positions and try a few out.

As for being tired, please keep in mind that you do not have to have intercourse to be satisfied, connected to each other, and plugged in. Men especially do not generally understand that having a great cuddle session with or without making out can be very very satisfying to both, especially women. Begin just touching each other in passing, cuddling together on a couch with no demands or expectations and let what happens happen.

Sorry if this isn't helpful. But I work with a lot of young women who are either married, or having babies etc. (A Hospital. Also, i realize my profile says Liquor store, please know this has changed heh. to lazy to fix. ANYWAY) It seems to me, when you have 2 people who work and you throw a child into the mix it does in fact complicate things.

Not necessarily for the worse, but it will throw a wrench into your cogs, as it were. While the love you 2 share is very important, you have to realize raising that child is number 1. You read what Doc says. You gotta plan around that baby. If he's napping at a weird time of the day, wake him up and feed///fiddle with him tired him out some more then put her back to sleep so she's out for another couple hours. Then just plan something out totally romantic.

Personally I've always been into 5star dinners with some wine, followed by long sensual love making sessions personally. Hire a babysitter, not all of them are child abusers (as per the media norm it seems, get a relative to do it)

Just make sure that baby is taken care of first and once you do that the possibilities are endless.

Plus you know if the baby is taking a nap just start doing the dishes in shorty short shorts in a tight tank top and accidentally spilling water on to yourself.

heh, I'm sorry did I just project my own fantasies on to you guys? It's hard for me to be "tired" after a girl I'm with puts boobs in my face, not gonna lie. I work 12 hr shifts and I'm always ready to go. I guess I'm still adolescent despite my age. Sorry if my advice doesn't help because of my very narrowminded POV :P

Bottom line - 6 years and a child - why aren't you two married?

Yes, I know, well beyond the scope of your question but face it - time to put up or shut up. If you two are not going to be building a life together there is no point in you trying to do more than you already are.

Man & Woman - or just two scared little "mice"?

Don't get defensive with me. He wants the high school lovelife he used to have with you, well, too bad - with children that's not going to happen, period. This is your lifestyle choice - now deal with it and don't come whining to us if you're not going to listen. You know this. He should know this. Your sex life will be different. It will be catch-as-catch-can and if neither of you is too tired, or too stressed out, or too whatever from now on. The "idiotic piece of paper" matters far more than you can possibly know right now and not just to you but to your child as well.

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]I just wanted to say that my parents have been together for almost 30 years and did a very good job raising me and guess what, they never got married. Most of my friends’ parents got a divorce at some point when they were a kid, but my sinner parents stayed together and still have a great relationship. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

Love it when they get defensive.

Mr. Saint, your parents are married - common law - but it is still valid. But that also depends upon which US state they reside in. Of course the surviving spouse will have to prove it for probate but oh well! Then the IRS will have to be talked to so the surviving spouse might be able to inherit everything without having to pay estate taxes but oh well, right? Access to work benefits. Naturally the real estate will have to go through probate as well, but what's 9 months to 3 years of waiting to have a roof over your head? And then there's the insurance company, etc. Insurable interest, hmmm, could be a fascinating case.

If the OP and bf were Jewish, according to Jewish law, even if they were subsequently married to each other, the child previously born out of wedlock, would still be a ...well...you know the word. This is NOT the case in secular law however unless there was a throne to inherit which may have its own laws regarding succession. I'll have to look up what the Catholics have to say on the subject.

Interesting.

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]EEK actually my parents are not married. There is no common law marriage in the state of California; it was removed when we added domestic partnerships. They both have there own insurance and both have there own incomes. I was a dependent of both of them so they could both cover me. As for post mortem issues, they can all be covered in a living will. It is not mandatory to get married in the United States. Personally I don’t believe in marriage, I think it is the government sanctioning of love, but I have no problem with others getting married. [/SIZE][/FONT]

Actually, Mr. Saint - no, post mortem issues can't all be covered in a living will (pull the plug order) which lapses upon death of the writer as do poa's. A living trust is most likely what you meant with a pour-over will, etc.

In a way it is government sanctioning - but not for the reasons you think. Look at social history and you will see that unattached disenfranchised males are a problem for governments both local and national. Marrying these fellows off, giving them monetary advantages to get and stay married contributes to stabilization and enfranchisement. Wives, jobs, children, householding - they all increase social stability. (Mainly because he's too tired and too poor to kick up a fuss?) It beats sending them off to war.

Although you began like your parents did that is no guarantee that you will end up divorcing like your parents did. That is up to you two.

easy as the next time the baby is asleep, or at granma's, and he's sitting on the couch watching tv sit next to him and put your hand on his pants. You don't have to go down his pants, just put it on his pants. He may undo his pants so your hand is on his penis, but you don't. And you don't have to be in something different, but if there is a sexy undergarment that he finds as he undresses you then.
Make it easy on yourself, what does he like? Don't over think it. It will never be like it was, but that doesn't mean that it can't be better. Your sister is having a baby, go get married, don't let that stop you or there will always be something that does.

Angel,

I have only been on the site for a few days but i have just finished reading all the comments and back and forths you have had with certain people. I have come to realize you and I have the same lives with a few differences. I met my husband when I was 14, had my daughter when I was 17, had him break my heart and fix it a few times, had my son at 20 and finally married him at 21. I am 23 this coming october. I fully believe you shouldn't get married just cause you have a baby my parents did it and it turned out horribly wrong. And I to didn't want it to end like theirs did. I wanted to make sure I truely was in love. You don't have to be in Love to have a baby, it will happen either way. And You don't need to be married to Protect your child I did just fine for 5 years. The people that have sat here and critisized you about marriage and raising a baby are probably 20 years older then us and have no idea what its like to be a young mother and wife in this time. Not mention the fact that that your orignal post was asking for help to please your man not to make you feel horrible for the life you live. Anyway I could go on forever but i will stop but if you ever want to talk just send a message....:D

[QUOTE=angelraye;218997]how that worked. we just lost $3000 worth of wedding stuff because of you. my big white wedding was just for family. and as for never letting me go he did once before and that was one reason we were waiting to get married. i got pregnant right after getting back together with him and we wanted to take our time. we didnt want to end up like our parents who both got divorced because they only got married due to a child.[/QUOTE]

It's a bit old, as I missed this post while without internet, but I believe EEK's point is the legal issues of marriage with a child, not religious or moral. Mr. Saint- you're parents are both alive and well, and each happened to have their own respective incomes. It is unlikely that a couple with a child at such a young age have enough experience or free time to have lucrative careers apiece. Should an accident occur, one party can be screwed. Having a marriage certificate speeds up the legal process of inheritance. When you're a widow, you DO NOT want to have to wait a few months for legal issues to buy your baby food while you try to care for the child alone and find or continue a career at the same time.

And why would you lose $3,000 worth of wedding stuff because you moved up your wedding date? Lose a reservation deposit? Family not giving gifts because there isn't a giant wedding? The entire point of this is to BE AS LEGALLY SAFE AND SECURE AS POSSIBLE IN THE CASE OF DISASTER. It has nothing to do with morality in the way you're describing it. It has everything to do with the morality of accepting that the government provides more legal and financial benefits for married couples, and that adds to the safety net for your child.

I'd speak with a lawyer the very next morning and find out what the heck I need to do to make sure there's no delay in case of disaster, be it marriage or whatever, and then just go do it at the nearest office. You can have your religious or emotional love big white wedding whenever you want afterwards. If it's so important to you, why does a having a government sponsored 'little piece of paper' take away from your 'true' wedding?

As a final point: Sure, it might suck in your mind to get married with nobody around in a random courtroom hallway. Think of it like paying for life insurance. Sucks to pay for something you probably won't need, but sucks 10x more for your children if you do.

Ok folks, let's take a step back, back up the pony cart whatever. What does this man do? I don't get the he's leaving soon and already signed the papers so his mom and I can get it done. Is this man not home sleeping in bed with you every night? Maybe you're to tired for sex cause you run around after your kid and clean a house oh and try to plan a wedding. And $3000 is nothing I know girls who payed more than that for their dress. You should see the rock on their finger, no flaws trust me.
So if you're looking for ideas to seduce your man, heck wake him up with your hoo hoo in his face. I would give him the kid and the house for the day and go find somewhere to sleep. See if he's NOT to tired for sex.
And as the government goes, you as his girlfriend, even with his child are not entitled to any benefits if he should die. Yet as his wife you may, so that in itself is a good reason to get married and get married NOW. You can do the big wedding too, but get married. It's the difference between living on what your daughter gets or what the two of you get.
I also hear alot about his mom, where is yours? Or does she think like us so you dismiss her. There is only only cure for being to tired for sex and that is sleep.

Goof..I agree, sounds odd. When you have children you marry each other for financial & legal rights of your child. Concerned about a divorce? What's any different if you split and were never wed? Hurt less? Keep you marriage happy & life--you both may never go there.

He jumped to marry you. You just backed up & he left it to his mom to do--he stepped away. It's not the day, it's the rest of your life counts. It's your day, not you family's. Your family is your future spouse and child.

You've thought about it, but aren't prepared for it. Not being married at the time the child's born is taking an unnecessary risk with the future security of said child. Most people don't have car accidents, yet they have car insurance. Most people don't have their homes robbed, yet they have home insurance. The point is, bad things happen everyday all around the world to good people, regardless of the precautions they take, and when one is a parent, it is one's duty to safeguard the future of that child.

Heck, if something happens to you, you'd want your husband to have as many resources as possible to take care of your child, right? People have only been referring to him because most people are more likely to act if they know that they might be screwed rather than just another, but this does go both ways.

Get married, have your big fancy white wedding later. Hell, you don't even have to wear rings or tell anyone, after all, 'it's only a piece of paper'.

Angelray:

From reading through your posts and responses to everyone. What I hear loud and clear are two parents to a child who do not want a bad marriage or to be stuck in similar circumstances which surround you.

Your marriage will be just what you both make of it; you both commit and hold the course, sometimes is a give/take of 90/10% and it reverses. Good communication and a good family structure in your home will keep you on the right path through the good and bad.

If he is an Iron worker that is all the more reasons to be married, people become ill or injured and require the assistance of a spouse. Furthermore, your baby requires all the security you both can possibly provide.

I do not have children. I have been single, married, and divorced. Your relationship does change with a piece of paper--Trust me. What it becomes is your futures and is formed by your relationship. You see what you don't want or want to be, so be a good role model of a good married parents.

One other matter, after marriage, be certain to make out wills since you have a child. Update them as time goes on. Why? Spousal elective shares upon demise are guaranteed (cannot disown a spouse) & either of you can also provide direct financial security to your child. Additionally, you both need to appoint legal guardians if you ever have a tragic incident. Why do you both as parents with to raise your child?

Best of luck to you. Do the Civil Ceremony, keep it to yourselves, then have the big wedding later when you planned...keep the secret it's yours alone. I knew a couple who did that, why? No clue. It was something they never told their family and that was about 20 years ago. The formal wedding was actually planned they eloped. My ex & I witnessed for them and they are very happily married.

It sounds like he's the one too tired for sex, (he comes home and sleeps).

Good point ...........

Angel, I'm sure when I say that "we" all hope both your wedding nights are wonderful, no one is going to give me flack for speaking for them.
Now, you can't and I mean can not not tell anyone. You don't have to tell your family or your friends but people need to know, about the first one. Have him go to his human resource manager and tell them, what does he need to do to put you on his insurance and to make sure you are listed as the guardian of his life insurance. I know it goes to your daughter, but until then there is someone else overlooking that money.
You'd be surprised what even a few thousand dollars can do to a family. Case in point, my brother's wife is one of 9, two of her nieces went in for gastric bi pass, one did not live. The mother of the woman, she was in her 20's no kids no husband, wanted any settlement to go to the daughter that did live, also in her 20's, no kids, no husband. Every single one of them, my brother's wife and her siblings, went in to file suit. They all wanted a piece of that settlement. And it wasn't large, under 100 thousand. Money does some very strange things to people. I know you love your soon to be mother in law, but remember this if something happens to your soon to be husband, something happened to her son (they are one and the same person). This family is also fighting over who has control for someone that has become disabled, yes his mom is mad, yet he is married and so SHE the wife makes the final decisions.
We are only here to help. I can only share what I have learned. Be a happy bride on both of your wedding days.

[quote=angelraye;220249]well in case any one is wondering about my original post.... we have decided to set aside time every night to try something new. doesnt mean we have to have sex but we try something.... now were both happy and weve decided to take your advice and get married next month and not tell our families yet so we can still do our wedding later on[/quote] You find time for sex. My ex husband and I worked a great deal, he was a cop & went back to College...I worked ER & school as well. We made it a point regardless of how tired to make time for ourselves. Making love was something we did routinely, at least we always curled up at bedtime if we could not for some reason. You have a baby, maybe just get him/her to bed earlier? And both of you organize your time so you always have some time together...you get imaginative & spontaneous. It's easy to fall into a rut, where you are now. Maybe it's a quickie, other times long times. Let the stress go & things will work out. FYI: No one will know since if you do the big wedding later you have to re-apply for a new marriage license so keep the original in a safe deposit box!

Glad to hear your choices. Your life will be what you both make it! And do not forget post marriage, see an attorney for a will together. That is important to both of you and your child!

:)

This is it for me on this thread, it actually woke me up at 3:30 am. Let me get a few things straight. You've been together for 6 years and have one child. You postponed marriage cause your sister got pregnant and is due around the time of you wedding. You're 22 and well you don't want us telling you how to live your life just how to spruce up your lovemaking.
Why is HIS daughter not already on his insurance? Medicade, medicare, food stamps, section 8 housing, subsidized college for you? Does he even pay child support, I mean a court ordered child support. Is he listed as the father on her birth certificate? Or are you letting all of us pay for it. Why does there have to be a blood test to get her on his insurance?
Sounds like time in the Federal Pen to me, yes that is a federal crime. Here's a tip on how to at like you were in high school again, go to class.