Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for 6 years. We are in our late 20's and have already been living with each other for the past 2 years. Before we started dating we were extremely good friends. He would tell me stories about him and his girlfriend (at the time) and would brag about their sex life and how great it/she was and all these crazy spontaneous stories about doing it here, there, and everywhere... Their relationship ended and shortly after we began dating.
I lost my virginity to him and obviously had no sex experience so i was a little self conscious since I felt like I couldnt "please" him the way his ex girlfriend did. In the beginning, although I had no doubt that he loved me and was completely OVER his ex-- I still wanted to try my best to please him sexually because i wanted to be as good, if not BETTER than his last relationship was.
We had sex often that we would both initiate but it was not mind blowing and he wouldnt do things with me that he used to tell me he would do with his ex. This really bothered me and killed me inside but I just kind of accepted it since I feel like I can't control him or MAKE him initiate things because its just not the same as him doing it out of his own will..
After about 2 years into the relationship he stopped initiating sex regularly. I would initiate it but after a while of ALWAYS being the pursuant I had to complain that it seems like the only way we have sex is if I initiate it. This has been the ongoing cycle for about 4 years now. I do have some confidence issues BECAUSE of the fact that he does not initiate it and used to brag about his sex life with his ex (while we were only friends). It makes me feel like he doesn't enjoy the sex so I feel stupid even initiating it. And the fact that I was so inexperienced also made me feel like I wasn't "doing it right".
Last year, we broke up because I felt like I was really young and wanted to have a great sex life with my boyfriend especially if he is the one and only person I have ever had sex with. So I went out, dated a bit and even had sex with 2 other men. He also dated other people. Ultimately, we ended up getting back together. We were both honest about what happened while we were broken up and it was NOT a problem at all. We both realized that we enjoyed sex with each other MORE than anyone else and that we just loved each other too much. When we got back together the sex was the best it had ever been and he was initiating it almost every night. It just seemed like everything was perfect.. After a few months, the cycle began once again.
I love him so much, I do not want to break up with him and we are planning our future together right now. I am just NOT satisfied with the sex we are having. I no longer have the "what else is out there" feeling because we've both tried it and realized that we do not want to lose each other. I'm and extremely sexual person and it is VERY important to me. It bothers me so much that I know he was/can be a sexual person also. Hes extremeley loving and affectionate and compliments me all the time, but when we're at home the only time he initiates it is after a fight (if he's saying sorry) or at a random time when i'm getting ready to go out with the girls. Since we've talked about it over and over and i've cried about it several times this cycle always returns.. I'm beginning to feel like he's never going to change. I love him so much but is it worth being in a relationship with someone and sacrificing something extremely important to me? I don't want to accept this but I also don't want to lose him. please help me out.. thanks
Just since you didn't state, how long was he with the ex? Is your relationship his first "long term" one? He may very well have been embellishing his stories as well, since he was obviously attracted to you at that time. I can't imagine a guy saying "yeah we're pretty humdrum in bed, just how I like it" to the new person he's interested in.
That said, your obviously going to get a lot of replies about talking with him. That's pretty much a given. I was personally naive about expressing myself, and while thankfully we've worked our way around a number of years ago I was feeling "stuck" with a sexually incompatible person, but that has since been fixed. If everyone is clear on what's to be expected at the beginning then it'd be so much easier. You will both need to make concessions I'm sure, as any loving couple will.
I hope everything works out for the best. :)
thanks for your response. We had been friends for 4 years throughout high school and there was ALWAYS "something" there but the timing was wrong. He dated her for 10 months until they broke up and about 3-4 months after that, we got together officially.
I am his first serious long term relationship. I was 20 when we got together and he was 22. That is a good point, he may have been trying to get me jealous at the time since I was the one at first who did not want to be with him so we just remained friends.. I guess at the time I didn't think that way because I was still a virgin.
I know i probably will get a lot of responses about talking to him, but I have never been one to hold back on my feelings. We are a very upfront and honest couple which is why I'm so frustrated. Once we discuss these things they are only fixed temporarily until the cycle begins again and are forced to have the same talk all over again. I just don't know how to fix this problem once and for all.. And i'd also like to know any suggestions on what I can do to possibly get him to WANT to have sex with me more without having to ask/remind/fight about it. :/ thanks again for your response :)
Unfortunately, the person who has to fix this is HIM. The man just doesn't know how good he has it. If he continues his present course, he will end up killing your sex drive and then he'll be like most married men once they hit 45 or so - CELIBATE. Assuming you stick with him. You might point this out to him - once. We are assuming here that there isn't a stressful situation going on.
Look at the facts:
1. he knows your opinion on this topic.
2. he has had at least one opportunity to change
3. he has not changed
Since we judge people based upon their actions and not their words - what do the facts tell you?
It is time to rethink this relationship entirely.
Here is a Dr. Phil (McGraw)ism: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
Your situation has been allowed to exist for six years, why is it likely to change now or anytime soon? You've broken up, each had sex with others, decided to reconnect, only to find yourselves in the same situation. My first question is have you told each other how you feel about your sex life from each of your perspectives? If not, why not?
Second question: If you have had discussions about how to make it better, what are the two of you doing about it and why after all this time has nothing improved?
It seems to me that after six years you are in a rut feeling safe and comfortable, although not content, with the devil you know, rather than the devil you do not know--meaning, that neither of you seem willing to follow on with more dating in order to learn about others and hopefully find someone more compatible--which is what dating is all about.
Unless and until you get your boyfriend to discuss your sex life and what is going on with him, you will have no cure. Also, it might be that there is a hormonal imbalance that should be checked into.
Lastly, you at least have to consider the possibility that for all the affection the two of you have for each other, he simply is "just not that into you" as the saying goes. People can love each other yet not have the physical and emotional connection needed for there to be an "in love" connection with all the pheromones and "sparks" flying between you.
So, why not throw caution to the wind, invite him to tell you what he is feeling, why sex is not a priority, then based upon what you learn, ask him to get some lab work done. It may be that you will either have to accept life with him as it is, or, make the decision to begin dating, again.
Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about going out with many other people in order to learn what humanity has to offer us in potential mates. As we do this we learn about the character of others, their likes, dislikes, goals, quirks, interests, morals, values, etc. The more we learn about others the more we learn about ourselves and are then better able to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along.
Relationships are partnerships, so until he plugs in and helps you understand why he is unwilling to express the love he professes for you thru romance then you will likely continue as is until one or the other of you changes the situation one way or the other.
i guess the most difficult part of that is choosing between more than one great person. kind of sounds like a dating show hahaha.
Some people mistakenly feel that they have to BF/GF right from the start of the relationship and that they have to date one at a time. Both are not true.
Beng a bf/gf from the beginning is like marrying somebody and then hoping it all works out. Cart before the horse. What one should do is to date simultaneously as many people as one can talk into it. The roster changes over time but gradually the choice narrows to those one can seriously consider - then one moves into bf/gf mode until the choice narrows down to the fiance'.
Total time 'on the market' should be approx 3 years.
Amazingly enough - it works. Not being exclusive from the start tends to weed out the unsuitable in rather short order - at least, for women it works because the jealous and possessive guys can't take the heat and what sane woman wants a guy like that? Not me! It's supposed to be fun - not a visit to prison; some "hanging on because he's the only one I've got" or some other nonsense.
If sex is NOT a joyous conflagration of souls gloriously reaffirming life itself (as frequently as desired) then the relationship is "unsuitable".
[QUOTE=big916;272542]i guess the most difficult part of that is choosing between more than one great person. kind of sounds like a dating show hahaha.[/QUOTE]
Hopefully, in choosing wisely, every person we date will be a great person.
Dating will have success and failures: failures in that every great (or not) person we date along our journey to find the best partnership match for us will end in failure whether it is after the initial date, the next few, several months down the primrose path, or longer. Eventually, Ms./Mr. Right will come into our life and this will be the success. If we stop this exercise short we sacrifice immediate gratification for not knowing whether or not we have chosen "Right".
Relationship exclusivity is an exercise in insecurity. Better me thinks to enjoy life with others as we search. Dating provides the opportunity of becoming closer to others than is possible with casual friendships. We can be close to others using Implied Consent (see Index) thus negating the need for a declared exclusivity. When the time comes for a particular dating relationship to end, this approach will eliminate much if not all of the angst, drama, and trauma that comes when ending an exclusive relationship.
Thanks so much for all the responses I got on this thread.
Since then, unfortunately nothing has changed. Its hard to take advice like this because like I mentioned before, I really don't want to break up with him.. We talked about it again and for some reason it always turns into a heated argument mainly because it's tough for me as a woman to bring this up to him. It is embarassing to me even infront of my boyfriend of 6 years to practically beg him to have sex with me. :(
He says he has no desire to have sex [which makes me feel so unwanted] and that he will try to initiate it.. Pretty much what he usually says EVERYTIME we have this conversation. It sometimes feels like he wants to tell me that he just doesn't want to have sex with ME anymore, but is not saying it. I'll admit I told him that he makes me want to go out and have sex with other people since he wont do it and obviously made the argument worse. We had sex ONE TIME since then and never again.
So tonight, I get out of the shower and he's already sleeping in bed with the computer on a music website. I could tell he had JUST put it onto that site and looked over at him, he was FAKE sleeping. When I called his name he didnt respond, so I said it again and he gave a fake sleeping kinda "huh?".. I asked him if he just put it onto that website he said no (i could tell he did, so he was lying) and there were a ton of pop ups on the laptop (porn pop ups behind the window). Since i saw that I just clicked on the history and he was watching porn. Once I looked around it was obvious he had just masturbated. I was obviously hurt by the sight of this so I confronted him and told him I knew he was just watching porn because of the pop ups and the history. He then got up and started laughing as if he did it on purpose as a joke "to see what I would say.".. wow. I am not buying it.
I have caught him watching porn before but never said anything so i KNEW this was something he regularly did. Its EXTREMELY hurtful to me that he would rather masturbate to porn that having sex with his girlfriend whos been crying and begging for him to have sex with her. I feel like I don't even want sex for the pleasure anymore but for the validation that my boyfriend actually wants me. My frustration is just up to the limit now and I am just so sad and hurt by this. Not only is this making our relationship go downhill but its taken a toll on my self confidence. I would do anything for this man and he can't even have sex with me?? I'm not asking for anything more, its SEX for goodness sake!
Could it really be because of me?? I am not unattractive, I haven't "fallen off" since the beginning of our relationship. He is very insecure and overprotective of me because I do tend to get a lot of attention from men when we go out. I am not a mean person, I am extremely thoughtful and affectionate towards him and his happiness is extremely important to me. I hate that this is what its come to and I wish he was as concerned for my happiness as I am towards his. Maybe I'm in denial and something really is wrong with me?? I don't know what to think anymore :(
He sounds possessive and selfish.
Since he's making you feel like crap and he treats you like this, I'd say bounce. It's been six years and DD2 is absolutely right.
You might love him but it doesn't even sound like he respects you
You have asked questions....
Most have been answered....
You continue to wonder....
yet apparently you have not read our replies, or if you have, you've discounted them in favor of continuing to ask the same things....
1. your situation is likely not going to change
- he is happy with his situation and living conditions
> Its hard to take advice like this because like I mentioned before, I really don't want to break up with him.
2. If he does not see any value in changing, there's no doubt things will remain as they are until you decide to take matters into your own hands.
People can love one another yet not be "in love" with one another. If all else is A-OK, then my educated guess is that there are no pheromones and "sparks" between you and because there apparently are none this is why he is not pursuing you.
If you do not want to break up with him, and the two of you do not seek counseling, then nothing is likely to change. If you want change, then through caution to the wind and try something.
One possible reason for what is or is not happening is that you have spent the better part of your adult life not dating, and therefore have not found "Mr. Right". Your late teens and early twenties should be about learning about others, their character, likes, dislikes, loves, quirks, goals, ideals, etc. You should have been dating lots of men with the idea of learning to recognize what characteristics you like in a person so that when Mr. Right does come along you will be better able to recognize him.
This entire stage of your maturation was never developed or utilized. Time me thinks to break up, begin dating lots of different people, have fun in the process and not entering into an exclusive relationship with anyone because dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us.
I've written about this in a couple of different posts during the past few days. Why not check out my recent posts, find these references, and read them. In addition, there is an entire section in the Index devoted to dating that you should find beneficial.
=doc
While I don't advocate dating around...you're in your late 20's.
From someone who has been bound with the ideals of finding "the one" only to prolong dating until my 20's...I'm telling you, please seek out everything.
Please, date a few more, sample everything you can.
It's definitely too late for me to do this nor do I have an ideal time/option/opportunties to date around, but you certainly do.
I beg of you to go out and see what you can find, not everyone has this opportunity to do so.
Don't tie yourself down to a guy who has not respected you because it signals much more down the road. Don't tie yourself down for the sake of "love".
Your sexual freedom flag is allowed to wave freely, plus if a guy doesn't want to have sex with you...there's a serious red flag.
So I beg of you to wipe the fantasy stardust off your eyes and see things as the real picture.
Well, I DO advocate dating around for PRECISELY this reason - most guys like her bf here - want what they cannot have and this OP has just given him everything on a silver doormat and contines to behave like a doormat and NOT as a woman worthy of his respect so he shows her no respect. she had dated around, his flaws would have been made much more apparent.
"Oh, I am in love" and she caves in, going down on her knees, wweping and begging for scraps of his attention.
Dammit, woman. Get up, and GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Stop wasting your life on this unworthy, unsuitable, disrespectful male. Let him learn the hard way that a man of his type ends up ALONE.