I'm 19 and know now that i got married way to young. However, I love my wife more than anything else and even though it is difficult most of the time we have learned a lot from each other. I came from a very 'free-range' upbringing. There was no curfew, no getting in trouble for missing school, no rules to keep me from getting in trouble. I believe that this is the best thing my parents could have ever done for me. It taught me to be responsible for myself at a very young age. My wife was raised totally different. Her upbringing consisted of strict rules, early curfew, and a generally sheltered teenage life. Now she has no idea what responsibility is or any idea on what to look for. My wife and I got married for the wrong reasons at the wrong time. My reason was so she could accompany me to my new life in the military. Her's was to escape from her parents. So now I am married, deployed in a combat zone, and my wife has no life experience. How can I help my wife learn these skills for herself and to help better our marriage?
Thu, 01/20/2011 - 11:24
#1
Tips for a long-lasting marriage
There are two issues here:
1. Her self-sufficiency. In UK, whilst troops are deployed there are support groups established on or near the installations from which they were deployed. In such a group she would find a motherly figure who would likely be quite helpful.
2. The marriage. You each were married for the wrong reasons; you should each want out for the proper reasons. You cannot resolve that by post but could plan discussions and counseling for your return home.
There are many local and national assistance programs for military families. Try:
[url=http://www.militarywives.com]MilitaryWives.com Network
www.operationhomefront.net
Also, every military post I know of has local help and outreach programs for assisting the wives and families of servicemen who are deployed overseas. These are generally staffed voluntarily by somewhat older women who take the newcomers under their wing and help them with any and everything. It sounds like your wife might benefit tremendously by looking into that sort of thing. I have a good friend who did this for years at the Army Reserve base here. The things she helped with varied a lot, from helping a wife find child care and a job, helping with various health benefits and veteran's rights issues, help with housing, school, you name it. I'm certain there is a group of women she can rely on to help her "grow up" a bit while you're away.
For a long lasting marriage - Don't marry anyone except your best friend. Marry someone who really loves you for who you are. Marry someone you love for who she/he is, not for looks, status, money or anything else other than being a great person to be with. Marry someone you have agreat sexual rapport with.
Thank you for the advice and links. My wife and I are looking into counseling and are going to try and work past these issues. My wife is my best friend, and I want the best for her, but I need to have what's best for me too. We have both realized that neither of us know how to compromise, and so now we are going to try and identify our faults and work on them. I really hope that this works, cause I don't know if I could take losing any one else right now.
There are some things upon which you can compromise and others upon which you should not compromise. This is the first thing to learn.
Next comes the truth that you can NOT change anyone else. Only that person can change him/herself and then only if he/she wants to change. Seeking out appropriate help and support indicates this desire to change.
Finally, marriage happens for many reasons. Think of it from your wife's point of view for a moment. She accomplished her goal. She successfully carried out her mission and achieved her objective - she escaped the control of her parents! For her, marrying you was the right thing to do. Perhaps she could have refined her goal a bit more precisely so that her marriage was for all of the 'right' reasons but - she married a man who loves her. How could that not be a good choice?
> We have both realized that neither of us know how to compromise, and so now we are going to try and identify our faults and work on them.
How did you become so wise beyond your years? Kudos.
Here is an article for the two of you to read, taken from the Index at the top of the main page:
Confrontations-- About Fighting, Arguing & Negotiating
How to give your partner the most of what s/he wants without giving up the core of what you want.
Or--making life better and more peaceful.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
Any Post should have a very solid support structure for military wives as well as counseling services. They should be easy to find, but if you are having trouble finding them your 1st Sergeant is guaranteed to be able to point you in the right direction. Good Luck.
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