Help! I just discovered what a clitoral orgasm feels like, and masterbating alone or with a vibrator takes around 20 minutes each time, making it almost impossible for my bf to get me to that point. He'd LOVE to see me orgasm, and I would love to do the same, but how do I make it take less time? I have small vaginal orgasms which are great, but I'd like to be able to have those earth-shattering clitoral ones with my man. Thanks!:confused:
Thu, 07/17/2008 - 14:01
#1
Taking too long to orgasm!
Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.
A relationship should be a partnership; so too should the way a couple makes love. In other words, the process is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. Communication is key. Feedback is absolutely necessary. Communication can take the form of having a chat with your partner at some time when the two of you are not being intimate; when making love, use verbal or non-verbal cues for how each of you is responding to the other's caresses and for what you need now/next.
Each of us knows what technique of rhythm and pressure, and where these are applied works to bring about an orgasm. We benefit from an internal feedback that lets us govern and vary our techniques. This feedback is missing when we turn the reins over to our partner so we must give them feedback in order to do what is necessary as noted, above. Without feedback we only stand a 50/50 chance of getting things right; with something so important who among us wants this as our "batting average"?
Now that you have made the transition from being a preorgasmic girl to a person capable of having and enjoying orgasms, you know what movements bring them about. I recommend taking your partner's hand and guiding his movements over a few sessions until he learns to mimic your method. The same goes for him with you. Encourage him to take your hand and guide your movements giving you feedback on how he is responding. While each of you may or may not be able to bring the other to orgasm from arbitrary stimulation, you stand a much better chance when you know specifically how to go about it. Each of us learns a set pattern of movements, rhythms, and pressures for massaging and fingering a clitoris and the rest of the vulva as well as the penis. If we change our method too much an orgasm will either not happen or be less than expected. Explore and learn together.
Look through the Index and read the articles by Brandye that discuss the female orgasm. Read the rest of the articles also just to improve your knowledge and insight.
Well, I was finally able to masterbate to orgasm manually last night with my BF! He just caressed and kissed me (all over but mostly on my breasts), and it was VERY nice to just let it go with him. (Then of course, it was his turn, so we had vaginal sex after that)... he touched me first, then I just took over. It was SO nice that he was patient with me & wanted me to climax first.
I've been able to have nice little "gushy" vaginal-type orgasms with him before, but now, I can have the larger clit-type orgasms, and not be afraid of being with someone--wow--it feels like my sex life is starting over--I think my BF has created a monster! Thanks for your advice...
and it is masturbation - please notice the u
Congrats on achieving clitoral orgasms, and vaginal orgasms!
Now for the G-Spot orgasms!
Congratulations! On a side note, it is not uncommon (actually quite the opposite) for a woman to take around 20 mins to orgasm, even while masturbating. Also, if you take more time with foreplay then the orgasm comes a lot quicker. :)
OK, so now I'm trying to use my vibrator less often because my goal here is to be able to JUST use my fingers or let my boyfriend touch me--at least at first. Are there ways to make it take less time? Not that I have to shorten everything, but it would be nice at times. I kind of wonder if my BF has been with women who have faked it because he thinks I take quite a long time. Faking it is something I WILL NOT do! The best success I've had is while I touch myself, we are either kissing while he touches me all over, or when he sucks on my tits, it's like a direct route to my clit. It also seems to help if I take a little break here & there--like 30 sec-1 minute, and use more lube. Does that make sense?
Yessss---MASTURBATE!
Yes there are but you have to find what works for you. I suggest prolonged periods of experimentation with your boyfriend's assistance.
If you use your vibrator less when you masturbate and also take A LOT more time on foreplay, then when you get to intercourse, you are much more likely to have quicker orgasms. There was a study done that says at least 21 minutes of foreplay increased the likelihood for women to orgasm from intercourse went from something like 3 out of 10 women to 9 out of 10 women. Maybe your bf needs to spend a little more time on you before hand?
Well, here's an update...
I'm doing well on my own--not using a vibrator much AT ALL anymore; it's taking between 15-20 minutes to have an orgasm.
I don't seem to relax & let it go as easily when I'm with my BF... I don't know, it seems that I'm not as comfortable with him watching me and maybe I even feel pressure to come more when I'm with him. I'm just used to being at home alone in my dark quiet bedroom. I do think about my BF when I'm alone (the things we do together which are great), but for some reason, it's more of a stuggle to just let it go when I'm with him--more like 30-40 minutes. Any suggestions? Thanks.
Yeah! Stop trying to control your BF by withholding your orgasm. Sounds strange doesn't it - but you would be surprised at the depths SOME women have when it comes to sex. For some reason there are women who do not want to reveal themselves to their partners - orgasm makes you vulnerable, means you have given up a measure of control, have rewarded him, and have given yourself permission to cast everything aside and just enjoy sex.
When it comes to sex - you reveal yourself more than in any other way.
Are you a generous or selfish lover? Clearly showing your delight and enjoyment is to be generous. Participating and reciprocating fully and without reservation is to be generous. Exulting in the experience and in him/her is to be generous.
So, tboostbug - what are you so afraid of?
Thank you for the update. It is great to learn that you have made progress!
> and masturbating alone or with a vibrator takes around 20 minutes each time, making it almost impossible for my bf to get me to that point.
Why? Are the two of you operating under the assumption that the way to build his arousal to the point of a climax is from lots and Lots and LOTS and LOTS of stroking and thrusting? If so, this is the wrong approach and is essentially placing the cart before the horse. Stroking and thrusting trigger the orgasm that has been peaked through half an hour or more of Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, and finally Foreplay, inclusively. Women require a long make out session if not going for the proverbial "Quickie" in order to build their arousal to the brink of an orgasm. Guys benefit from this time devoted to making out, also. So, devote no less than this, normally, and maybe as much as 3/4 of an hour or so just to making out and fooling around.
Once you get to the brink of your orgasm and you have gotten your boyfriend to the brink of one, then invite him in either verbally or through body language and begin intercourse.
Because not many sexual positions lend themselves to the constant ongoing contact between our respective "pieces-parts" to generate the friction required to bring about a climax, good etiquette is for the man to help the woman achieve one or more orgasms before beginning intercourse. This is accomplished by hand and/or oral stimulation.
If using one of these positions that do not generate a lot of body contact in order to provide the necessary friction, what a knowledgeable, skilled, caring, lover should do is to reach around and stimulate her clitoris, the labia, and surrounding area with his finger(s) in addition.
> It was SO nice that he was patient with me & wanted me to climax first.
He's learnin'! Please give him plenty of ataboys, and continue to explore and learn together.
> He'd LOVE to see me orgasm, and I would love to do the same, but how do I make it take less time?
Read what Suki stated and proceed as above. It is important for both of you to reach your respective peaks by making out in all of its various aspects, first, before trying to climax. Please read this article:
Chapter Four:
MORE: From bungling student to graduating Lover Cum Laude
Please scroll down through the article to this chapter.
> I don't seem to relax & let it go as easily when I'm with my BF... I don't know, it seems that I'm not as comfortable with him watching me and maybe I even feel pressure to come more when I'm with him.
There does not need to be any rush unless overall you only have so much time that day/night. Either way, budget your lovemaking by devoting most of the time to making out building each others arousal level and let the orgasm take care of itself.
If you are timid and do not like making love when there is light, then turn the light off. Is the reason you are holding back your emotions because of a concern about body image? If so, there are two things to consider: First, that everyone including your boyfriend has this concern about some part or another of his/her body. All his pieces-parts are out front for any and all to see, so if you are worried about what he sees in you, don't. When we fall for someone, we pretty much also accept all of them and that means warts and all. Second, he loves all of you even if something is not perfect, so let him adore you.
> for some reason, it's more of a stuggle to just let it go when I'm with him--more like 30-40 minutes. Any suggestions?
30-40 of direct stimulation of your genitals just to get you to climax, OR, 30-40 minutes of fooling around in which the orgasm happens at the end of this time as a natural progression of events?
> OK, so now I'm trying to use my vibrator less often because my goal here is to be able to JUST use my fingers or let my boyfriend touch me--at least at first.
You are on the right path. The more a person relies upon the intense sensations of a vibrator, the more difficult it is to retrain the brain to be responsive to the less intense feelings a finger or tongue produces. Vibrators are nice; keep their use to a minimum and only for a diversion to the norm.
> The best success I've had is while I touch myself, we are either kissing while he touches me all over, or when he sucks on my tits, it's like a direct route to my clit. It also seems to help if I take a little break here & there--like 30 sec-1 minute, and use more lube. Does that make sense?
Yup! Do whatever seems right and right in the moment.
> My guess is that if you can let yourself go and make love with abandon, that you will enjoy any and all orgasms more as well as being better able to bond emotionally with your boyfriend. It's a worthy goal. Men and women are both turned on to a much greater degree when in the company of a lover than when going solo. This is because of the "chemistry", "sparks", and, pheromones in the air around you. These will be squelched significantly if you fight letting go. Please read EEKs articles listed in the Index and practice the methods she discusses.
> I kind of wonder if my BF has been with women who have faked it because he thinks I take quite a long time.
The determining factor is how much direct stimulation of your genitals is required. As Suki stated, it takes 20 minutes minimum and that is just warming up and reving up your "engine"--then comes the genital play. So, knowing how your time is generally allocated will help answer this concern of his.
I really recommend that the two of you read all of the articles listed in the Index. Knowledge is empowering.
--BEGIN HERE--w/a Partial INDEX of Sex Info 101 Sex Ed. Topics
Lastly--
It does not matter much whether one or both of you are first timers or one or both have had other partners. Any time two people come together, there will be a new Square One from which to begin. "Experience" equates to knowledge not skill.
HELP! S/He is more EXPERIENCED! To which I say:
If he did have another partner and she did fake it, he may have a preconceived notion on how long it should take; however, every person is different and every event with this person is going to be different. One day you may have an orgasm in a matter of minutes, yet another day it may take a concerted effort, yet other days--somewhere in between. Please do not be a clock watcher. Better me thinks to learn how to make love and this is why many of the articles were written.
Keep up the good effort and progress and please keep us informed on how the two of you are making out--pun, if any, intended! :eek:
I stand by my position that a skilled lover can caress the G-Spot with the head of his penis and, if even more skilled, can also caress either of the fornices and can by moving from one oto the other, can induce orgasms in women from intercourse as well as by oral or manual stimulation. The lady has to be willing and he has to be a bit limber.
you're having probs in making it less...while i'm having probs to take it longer.....
Pink - relax through your orgasms and continue on - becoming multi-orgasmic - then you can "go" for as long as you want - problem solved!
tnx kitten...i'll keep that in mind...^^