Hello everyone,
My gf and I have been dating for over five years and for the past four of them it's gone back and forth from being okay to bad.
She's always upset with me. Most of the time it's for good reason. I'm extremely forgetful and unmotivated. I've had problems with depression for most of my life and I'm ADD. It's difficult for me to get anything done outside of going to work and college (where my grades have been mediocre at best).
She's on my case all the time it seems and whenever I screw up, (usually by forgetting about something important) not only does she jump all over me for it, but she reminds me about all of the mistakes that I've made previously in the relationship. I have a hard time remembering a lot of things that happened last week, let alone over the last five years.
I love her a lot, and I love her kids too. They treat me as if I was their dad.
She told me last year that it wouldn't bother her if she never had sex again. We have sex once every month or two, which isn't enough for me. We've talked about it, but even after planning on working things out, nothing has happened. Now the only pleasure I get is through masturbation and watching porn, which gets very boring after a while.
It also seems that she doesn't like for me to have friends, and she does not like to go out and do things, which is difficult for me.
I do try to remember things. But I'm working two low paying p/t jobs and am attending college p/t, and at the end of the day all I want to do is sit on the couch and let my mind wander off. She's just finishing her masters and also works p/t, alongside being a mother.
I've thought that maybe the best thing for both her and I would be for me to leave, but then I'd be leaving her kids, which makes me feel awful.
I've never cheated on her, I've stood by her during problems with her family, and have tried to help her in raising her kids. I just forget things and I also procrastinate. I don't drink heavily (in fact I recently gave up alcohol), and I don't use drugs.
Has anyone, on either end of the relationship dealt with these issues? If so, what did you do, and what was the outcome? Do you have any advice for me? :confused:
From your description of events, I am wondering:
a. why you remain in this relationship. Life is too short not to be happy.
b. why you have not been to therapy regarding your ADD and other issues
(As for being forgetful, why not carry a small notebook with you and train yourself to look at it at least three times a day: morning, noon, night.)
c. locate a counselor for each of you, and later, couples counseling.
(The two of you have problems than require insight and intervention. There are professionals who are either free or on a pay as you can basis. Check with your public health department, or, a minister, or, a school counselor for referrals.)
I understand that your days are busy, yet how much help are you around the house? Do you do chores and spell her?
Relationships are partnerships. From your description it does not seem that yours is. Here is my outlook on the subject:
1. Relationships are formed by two people, each with a past, who join forces in order to create a future together.
2. Relationships are not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other.
3. Each partner is there for whatever the work there is to be done. That your partner is not interested in romance is a sign that the relationship is in trouble. Why not see about fixing it?
If she is not interested, then look out for A#1--you, and do what you need to do to be happy. If this means leaving the relationship, then do. You can always remain active in the lives of her children. It is not ideal; however, children would much rather be from a broken home than live in one.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
Thanks Dancingdoc2,
Yes that was helpful to me :)
I was diagnosed with add this past Friday and have started taking medication for it. I've gone through a lot of therapy for depression and it's helped, but I'm not always able to notice the signs of it creeping it's way back into my life. I mentioned that I'm taking meds for add. My psychiatrist refuses to give me stronger meds for it (as of now), or meds for depression because prior to this relationship i frequently abused drugs and alcohol. It's a mess, but I've managed to work my way through it with the right help (my girlfriend being very supportive in terms of the depression).
I think you're right about her and I going through therapy. Her and I have been together for a long time, and I don't want to just leave it behind me. But if she isn't interested, or if her and I can't find a happy medium in regards to what we want/need, then moving on is all I can do, you're right.
Thanks again