I saw a similar thread, but figured I would start my own...
Here's the situation: my fiancee and I went out one night. We both drank a few beers. When we got home, we had sex and fell asleep naked. The problem is what happened in the middle of the night, after the first encounter.
My memory: I was suddenly conscious that we were having sex. She was saying I should put on protection. I was bewildered and half-awake, but ended up putting on a condom and we finished, and I passed out.
Her memory: She woke up to me fondling her pretty heavily - i.e. sticking my finger in her. She was a bit taken aback but was "good to go" and went through with it.
The problems arose with the ensuing discussion. We talked about it the next day and she was very put off by my attitude towards the situation. We seemed to clear it up and the following day had some really good sex.
However, it has continued to bother her. She says the situation doesn't bother her so much, but the fact that I wrote it off as "Well, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing." She's was also worried about the implication that I would go further and basically force myself on her someday (I find this outside the realm of possibility.) She seems to want a guarantee that I'll never do something like that again, but I just feel that I can't honestly make that guarantee. I'm in love with her and sexually attracted to her, and I feel that if I'm inebriated (or just tired and horny) or whatever, I might try initiating without realizing it in the middle of the night.
We seem to have patched things up. We've talked about going to counseling before getting married just as a sort of tune up and I said we could address this during counseling too. I just figured I'd post this to vent and see any other viewpoints.
I have been known to initiate sex when my husband is asleep and he sort of wakes up and remembers it. He certainly has never refused my advances. BTW I am never drunk and never asleep when I do this. He hasn't complained yet and it has been over 30 years now.
However, he knows better than to even attempt anything with me when I am sleep. Apparently, I take such things very badly and he has the scars to prove it. He stands across the room and calls from that distance if even just waking me up - he recommends using snake tongs in fact.
My point is that, similarly, she might NOT want her sleep interrupted even for sex with her beloved but is being too nice to say so.
I'm also imagining her reaction once you have babies who wake up every night at 2 am. Oh boy! That could be one fire-fight you may want to miss.
Agreed with DD2!
And I can imagine the fear of your fiancee. On one hand I think it's cute there are people who find eachother in their sleeps and feel like they were dreaming about sex (a dream come true! :)). On the other hand; I would find sleepsex a scary thing, because you're not in control of what's happening. Not just emotionally/physically/mentally, but also practical things like the lack of birthcontrol would be one of those worries :eek:
I've never had sex in my sleep. But I used to sleepwalk a lot and on rare occasions still do. The disorientation with which I wake up, is not a thing to like. Particularly when I think I'm lying down and appear to be standing; gets me an adrenalin kick that leaves me shaking for long time after, not to mention possibly falling. And if I would be sleeping safe and sound to wake up with someone on top of me, I think I'd panic. Even if I'd recognize the person as my lover once fully awake, the first response of disorientation would seem awful to me...:(
Thanks, all. We both went off to work and then talked again and it's ok now. I had used some unfortunate word choices when discussing things that made the situation worse temporarily. She was just a bit rattled after the situation, which made her trust falter a bit.
As for counseling, we have a very healthy relationship and communicate a lot. I don't think counseling is only necessary for relationships in trouble. We both agreed even back in the "honeymoon phase" that a session or two would be a good experience before getting married.
Fair point. In fact, many religious leaders these days require some "counseling" sessions with them before they'll perform the ceremony. They can definitely be beneficial.
> She says the situation doesn't bother her so much, but the fact that I wrote it off as "Well, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing." She's was also worried about the implication that I would go further and basically force myself on her someday (I find this outside the realm of possibility.) She seems to want a guarantee that I'll never do something like that again,
Four things will probably change if and when you stop drinking:
A. You will act more responsibly
B. You will remember
C. You will be a more enjoyable partner
D. You can guarantee...
Get drunk with your sex partner enough and you will have sex that you both barely remember the next day. Sleep with your sex partner often enough and you will eventually have "sleep sex." I have done both numerous times. Even after more than 20 years of marriage my wife and I sometimes wake up and one asks the other, "did we have sex last night or was it a dream?" to which the response is "I was going to ask you the same thing so...we must have."
It's perfectly normal and is something you should learn to laugh about.
Well my husband and I don't have inebriated sex, so that one I can't talk about. However, this sudden lack of trust in one's fiancee has me concerned. You said you've discussed premarital counseling....can we infer that there are other difficulties?
You said twice that you seemed to clear things up, but then go on to say that is still bothered her. That clearly is not patching things up. There must be other reasons for her distrust, whether they pertain to you or past experiences on her part. I would say that counseling would be a very good idea!!