There are those who desire to capture, inculcate and keep their partners "controlled" in a kind of relationship that, in fact, relentlessly strips the humanity from the controlled person.
You have, no doubt, heard of Elizabeth Smart ([url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Smart_kidnapping]Elizabeth Smart ). This is just one example and a rather extreme one but think for a moment about the abuse suffered by Wanda Ileen Barzee who collaborated to keep Elizabeth enslaved; how she had to lose her humanity before she could permitt such a vile thing to happen.
The enxlavement begins slowly, in small ways, mostly subtle but sometimes not - a woman's drunken date threw up in his car while on the date, he drove her back to her house and then demanded that she clean his car - mostly in terms of "I'd really like it if..." Like a snake encircling to crush, the enslaver separates you from your friends and family but slowly telling you he/she is only looking out for you. The mask of devotion and care will not slip until you are totalling within the enslaver's power and your own self-image has become so distorted that you believe that you need this soofocating "looking after". Then comes the first beating - which you are told you brought on yourself by not doing whatever.
You can't believe this is happeening! OMG, he/she "loves" me and would not ever have done this unless I DID deserve it. Thus begins the end of your life. Once this line has been crossed, you will not run away, you will not call the police, you will not seek out help. You will beg for mercy. You will do whatever the enslaver wants - no matter what is wanted. You will behave this way because you will BELIEVE that you are scum and the enslaver is God.
The relationship will continue for as long as the enslaver wishes and then the slave will be murdered if there's even the remote possibility that she/he will be believed by the authorities.
Statistically, women are at greatest risk for such abuse at the hands of men they know - "family", "lovers" and "friends" - rather than a stranger.
This is why we here stress safe words, comfort levels, and responsible behavior. This is why we here say "the first lie is the LAST lie", you are responsible for your own emotions, and to THINK about what you do BEFORE you do it or don't do it.
Here and now, I tell you that the curse is FEAR and you must rid yourself of it. If you fear to cry rape and take him/her to court; if you fear telling your parents or the authorities; if you fear 'calling him/her on transgressions - the rapes, the problems, the transgressions will continue and likely get worse.
If you are a witness and are dealing with the "don't snitch" ethos: Hell with that, SING like a canary with a 10 foot wingspan.
And it isn't just the vicar coming home to bash his sleeping wife in the head with a hammer. (True story.) It isn't just groups of older kids kidnapping and then abusing and murdering a younger child. (Ditto.)
Abuse is also the endless belittlement, the endless arguing over nothing really, and the constant drone of "who did you see?" and "who was that calling". The unrelenting grinding down and erosion of joy - (how would it be to live under a constant tax audit with the threat of prison hanging over your head?) and of always being afraid of always feeling trapped or hunted.
Regardless of who is doing it or why: evil remains evil; abuse remains abuse; wrong remains wrong.
None of it is deserved. None of it has to be endured. None of it is the abused's fault.
GET AWAY & GET HELP and then INCARCERATE the abuser.
It may be scary but once in chains, he/she cannot hurt you now.
We're here for you but you do have to call us.
Agreed. Know about Elizabeth smart. Care to elaborate on anything else?
Rather extreme situation but lesser controls have effects in the same direction.
Yes, monsters do exist... in lesser and worse ways.
EEK, great thread! And you're so right; it starts very slowly and gets worse every time again. And it gets so complicated whenever you believe that it is "love" and you're only goal is to make someone's life better. You wouldn't want to hurt that person in any way... even if (s)he is hurting you... I've seen it happen at close range. And even: I discovered years ago that I have a (strong) tendency towards making myself very "tiny" and getting bossed around by someone I love. Accepting everything that I knew was wrong, thinking about everyone's sake, accept my own. Though my story isn't comparable to "real" victims, this situation combined with my fear really messed up things. Which I regret, yet also learn from. Although not my favorite wake-up-call; that knowledge is empowering! Better know before it gets out of hand for "real"!
Because such things happen so slitheringly slow, I'd advice everyone to at least check yourself every once in a while. Especially do so whenever you've been a victim before or have found out you've got this vulnerability. In some terrible ironic way people who have been abused once, tend to find abusers more easily during their life. This is not only stated by psychology, but also proven by statistics... You don't need to become paranoid. But it's really worth checking; is whatever is happening still ok? Am I not slowly going back to the same "role" or put on the same "mask" as I used to do? Am I still living by my own strength? If not, seize control! You will find out how strong you really are :)
Yes teriffic thread EEK.It wasn't until my husband crossed the line and sexually abused our daughter that i finally found the courage to leave him.After years of physical(hitting,spitting at me,rape ect)emotional(threats,verbal abuse) basically controlling and dominating behaviour that i vowed to myself that i could put up with if it was only me he hurt and not the children.After 9 years of separation i'm still under his control as i could never bring myself to divorce him because of a fear of hurting him(he threatened to commit suicide if i filed for divorce).I've only recently come to my senses and that realisation is one of the reasons i began a short lived affair with someone who i had known as a friend for years .My husband knew this person too and had actually asked him to give me advice on dealing with our oldest sons unruly behaviour.I guess i took the opportunity when it arose to shove it in my husbands face that i had moved on.And yet who did i turn to for comfort and support and yes sexual gratification.You guessed it my husband
Raunchy - Time for you to CHANGE. Do NOT seek comfort and strength OUTSIDE of yourself. First: stop thinking of yourself as "raunchy" and begin thinking of something more "powerful" perhaps Sheba?
Do not return to those you have cast off. Do not go back but move forward guided by your checklist toward living the life you want to live. Does doing x move you toward or away from your goal? You may not reach it, but as long as you are moving, step by step, toward your dream life - it is enough.
BTW - if anyone ever threatens suicide - they are NOT the one for you. Can you say manipulation? How about "guilt trip"? IF you really want to be 'cold' ask if you can watch or sell tickets. This kind of manipulation is a huge red flag.
[QUOTE=dlb;259775]Agreed. Know about Elizabeth smart. Care to elaborate on anything else?[/QUOTE]
Jaycee Lee Dugard.
(Google her name if you live outside the U.S.A. or are somehow unfamiliar with the story.)
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;259796]BTW - if anyone ever threatens suicide - they are NOT the one for you. Can you say manipulation? How about "guilt trip"? IF you really want to be 'cold' ask if you can watch or sell tickets. This kind of manipulation is a huge red flag.[/QUOTE]
AMEN!! If someone threatens suicide over the possibility that you'll leave, run like you've never run before!!!! Without guilt. Each person must own his/her actions, no one else's. This becomes about self-preservation.
I once had a guy I had just broken up with, call and tell me he'd taken a whole bottle of whatever (maybe xanax, I forget), and continue in the middle of the night to call me every 20 minutes to give me an update on his condition. And no, I'm not kidding. He literally said at one point that he could feel it kicking in and that it wouldn't be long now. Luckily for my emotional stamina, it was a cell phone so I could screen the calls and they went to voice mail without waking the entire household. By three hours later and he was still calling with "updates" and pleas, I decided I had irrefutable confirmation that it was a ploy all along.
Self-preservation does not equal ill will toward the other person. It's simply reaching for what you need and want from life. For his own sake, I hope the poor soul found peace. Doesn't mean I'd be willing to ever communicate with him again.
uhm...hmmm
Germaine Greer has written:
Women do not realise how much men hate them.
While I don't entirely agree with her, she does have a point.
Men resent being 'held hostage' by women's beauty and the desire/need to procreate; being unable to accept that that's just the way it is, men tend to take this resentment out on the women involved.