Over the last three years (really two years because there was a long hiatus), I’ve had what I consider an extremely flirtatious back and forth relationship with a female co-worker. But there are several reasons that I haven’t moved on it:
1.Tragedy – She was the victim of extreme domestic violence about two years ago. Incident left her life in danger and she missed work for more than a year. But I’m thrilled to say she’s fine now and made a remarkable recovery. However, if I made a move and turned out to be wrong, and she had not interest, I will look like a first class jerk – attempting to take advantage of a women who has been through a hellacious incident and may now be vulnerable. That’s not my intent in any way, shape of form, but that’s how it would be viewed if overtures were rebuffed.
2.I’m married – not happily – but married nonetheless. Love my kids. Don’t want to risk my relationship with them. But I feel like I need affection, companionship, etc.
3.It’s a work relationship – one false move could turn out very bad.
We communicate a lot through chat and email. The communications are very friendly, flirty, and joking-like. Usually started by her and completely outta the blue. But with my last email to her, I may have crossed the “hitting on line” by just a tad. She didn’t respond and has been icy to me ever since.
Any idea of what the reasons could be? Please read my thoughts on what she could be feeling, let me know if they’re possible and let me know if you have other ideas or things to add.
1.I grossly misinterpreted her feelings. She was just being friendly. Has come to the realization that I think it’s more than that and is now backing off?
2.She was interested and was flirting. But in the end, just can’t pull the trigger. Finally, realizes it’s not worth it. Comes to the realization there’s no future in it (not necasarily the case, but that’s how she see it.)
3.After what she’s been through, she likes the attention. But doesn’t want anything more than the attention?
4. She confused too. Doesn't know what she wants. Kinda like me!
4.Other
This story has many things wrong with it, and, on so many levels.
Before beginning a new relationship, finish the one you are in. I would suggest fixing what is wrong with it, rather than seeking what you want outside of the marriage.
From your description, it sounds like you want sex. I suggest that you build a healthy foundation, first, and if a relationship is to be, two things will occur:
* the two of you will have a strong emotional bond
* sex will likely follow.
It has been said that men look for a place to have sex; women look for a reason. Give a woman a real reason by working on and building an emotional connection, first and foremost.
You have done a Bozo-No-No.
You may think that since it is email there is no consequence. Remember, emails can be saved. She now has your testicles in a vice and should she choose to, she can begin squeezing. If you sent it from home, your wife can find it. If you sent it from work, you've stolen company assets.
Most likely she wasn't serious to begin with. She was merely flirting. You should apologise for misinterpreting her emails and let it all go.
Be all that as it may, your major problem is your lack of open and honest communication with your wife. Do not talk about this email episode, talk about the need that drove you to do it in the first place - that need for sex that you depicted as affection, companionship, etc. We've described how to do this in other posts. Read around the site.
Don't do this sort of thing again.
I agree with Nutty.
Also, dear PatHarrigan210; your post sends of the vibes of someone desperate and acting like you've fallen victim to her behavior... Now that can't be right... I'm really not the person that says this often, but in this case: I think you need to really man up yourself! Take responsibility for your own (mis)interpretations. Don't you see it's just fun to have a sense of humor? That smile that makes your day at work more enjoyable? By acting like this, you're surely dragging the fun out of it...
[QUOTE=PatHarrigan210;265816]what's her reason for teasing me? what's her reason for teasing me?[/QUOTE]
Whats your reason for thinking just because a woman flirts she's going to jump into bed with you?:rolleyes:
what's her reason for teasing me? what's her reason for teasing me?
OMG the man doesn't know when he's being teased - and NO she doesn't mean for you to follow her up on it. Hey, this is KID STUFF. She's playing with you as a cat plays with a dead mouse. And - you're falling for it.
Tsk tsk tsk. You're too easy.
BTW it isn't how your opinion of the emails that counts - it is your wife's opinion that matters.
It's obvious she likes you, but any other intention seems blurry to me.
Depending on who I'm addressing, I display this kind of behavior quite often. One of my colleagues and I both have this sort of humor (like: "me or the food") and both have small personal spaces and touch easily. He's become a great friend of mine, neither of us ever intended more than that. Another colleague, with about the same qualities, also became a close friend and after some time fell in love with me and I with him. We were both single at the time. Had he been married, I would have stayed "just" friends.
I probably didn't include enough info. The electronic communications are not over the top, not dirty, not excessive. Mildly flirtatious. would my wife be annoyed. yes. am i breaking any work rule. yes. but merely slap on the writst worthy. personal communications are alowed within reason. im close to the line. but trust me, there's not to the point where anything major would happen. here are some additional facts:
femail coworker (never married/no kids) routinely text, emaills unhappily married man. communications are not work related, but they're not dirty, or suggestive and not innappropriate. Just outta the blue topics. seemingly done to just start conversations.
-femail coworker part of a group of 5 femail cowroker goes to lunch together every friday. Femail Invites the mail a lot.
-femail coworker putting out food in conf room for another coworkers birthday. Male sticks head in room, looks at food and says looks good. Femail replies “me or the food.”
-femail coworker scratches back of man. Femail saw man scratching with pen– came over to lend assistance – has since reptaed gesture.
femail spraying skirt w/static gaurd, male off in the distance. Does not notice – femail gets his attention by blurting out “dont try to look up my skirt.
-femail makes college baskeball wagers for drinks. Loses. Delvers drinks immdeately, no attempt to go to bar. Male blows it. Accepts drinks. Dosent pursue date.
Are these things friendly, flirty or flakey?
The femail coworker im referring to is 45 years old. Teasing, as described above by EvilKitten goes out of style shortly after high school. Right? Mature adult don't tease to that extent. Right?
Every woman is different. But most of the women in their forties I know do tease this way. Would be rather boring if growing older means losing your sense of humor :rolleyes: The difference with highschool would probably be that girls there tease boys that don't understand the subtle action and immediately think they'll sleep with them...
My advice would be: Give it a rest. Go and try fix things with your wife, instead of getting upset over a harmless flirt... Only after your devoted attention to that woman has either brought happiness to your marriage or it has failed despite of it, you may think of getting your mind to other women. When still married, you will discuss with your wife before making any serious moves on others.
[QUOTE=PatHarrigan210;265839]The femail coworker im referring to is 45 years old.?[/QUOTE]
FEMALE...... not Femail....grrrrrr:D
NO. High school would be 'crossing the line' which you say this never did.
Why are you so uptight anyway?
I'm not necessarily blaming the wife. Merely pointing out that it takes two to tangle and that the problem he is facing isn't entirely his own. The two need to get things out in the open and straighten up the relationship. This cannot be done while bringing up the past and playing the blame game -- which is likely precisely what she'll do once she finds out he's flirting. Once that argument starts, the productivity goes right out the window. At the same time, he needs to stop flirting and fooling around in order to avoid this inevitable confrontation in the first place.
I had a similar experience with my first wife. Only the shoe was on the other foot. It was she who liked to flirt with men and have affairs with them. She was even doing my best friend. And guess what? Yep, I couldn't get it but maybe once a week, if I was lucky. She kept telling me she liked "to savor it" and save up sex so that it was incredibly good every time. I come to find out later, she liked to save up sex all right -- for her boyfriends.
After three and a half years, I couldn't stand it anymore and dumped her like a hot potato. And guess what? Yep, she was all heart-broken and sad over the whole thing. She couldn't imagine why I was doing this. I suppose I'd be sad, too, if I were her. She refused to hold a job or start a business or to do anything that brought income into the house -- so I had to work a job and run my business to keep everyone happy and fed and with a roof over their heads -- while she was out gambling, drinking, snorting crank and screwing the men of her choice and "savoring" our relationship in the process -- all at my expense, of course. While she was out there screwing, she might have done us both a favor and charged the men a good price for that expensive pussy she was throwing around all over the place. Anyway, she found herself one very sad and blue camper when I finally pulled the plug on her.
I'd be sad, too, if someone, after three and a half years, suddenly cut off my money supply and my free-wheeling ways and made it almost impossible for me to do anything without begging or borrowing.
As for me and my role in all this, well, I worked all the time and didn't pay much attention to her. I liked my toys and the lifestyle I had built for myself while she was out and about. I was young and naive. I was stupid and ignorant and I truly, honestly had no idea she was doing all these crazy things until near the end, in a pool of tears, when she confessed all to me. I thought I was about the dumbest man that ever walked the face of the earth. I felt like a complete fool. But I learned later that this type of thing happens all the time. I wasn't the first one or the only one. Far from it.
We ended up getting back together for about six months. She promised to change her ways. I promised to change mine. I went to work straightaway by suggesting that she get a job so that I wouldn't have to work all the time and so the family could spend more time together. She promised to do all these things -- but never did any of it. Within about three months time, she was right back to her old shenanigans and leaving me holding the bill and looking for a second job -- again! Three months later, I broke it off again and made it permanent.
Takes two to tangle.
YOU are playing 'the blame game' yourself when you say, without qualification, that his wife will. She may and then again, she may not. We have no way of knowing. We also have no idea of what conditions are in their household - what issues there might be that are getting in their way. All we know is that he's been flirting with a woman who isn't serious and who has no intention of ever being seriously involved with him and that he's feeling upset about it.
Yes, that's YOUR experience but that isn't every man's experience.
This woman appears to have turned you into a mountain of ticks and you're babbling and scrambling. She's toying with you. And even if she bites and the two of you end up in the sack together -- she's still toying with you -- and now you've got a new relationship and a whole new bundle of responsibility on top of the one you've already got and don't want to begin with.
You have to remember that what you fear... is not happening. Who cares what she "thinks" or what she means by this or what she means by that? What difference does that make? Take what people "think" and pour it into a bucket. At the end of the day -- you've still got an empty bucket.
Forget about her and move on before something stupid happens. It will be easy to explain to wifey that you flirted with a girl at work through email than it will be to explain where you were last night and who's panties you were sniffing.
If you're worried about her showing those emails around and exposing you, she can do that any time she wants. But remember that she must expose her little role in that episode in your lives at the same time, so it's not likely that she will.
And, it sounds to me like wifey needs to learn to participate in bed a little better and help you get what you need. You should talk to her and see about getting things straightened up between the two of you so that you won't have to run off and find someone else to help fulfill your desires -- you'll instead run to her.
Women sometimes think they no longer have to put out because they have their man in a neat little package and everything's just fine and dandy, rainbows and lollipops. That is a delusion. People are messy, wretched things. They don't fit or stay in neat little packages. Life does not work that way. Sometimes wifey is just going to have to get down and dirty and give hubby what he wants -- or he'll run off and find someone who will. Sorry to bust your bubble, ladies, but sometimes that's just the way it is. It takes two to tangle.
Stop blaming his wife - for all you know, the lady tried and got no help from him - esp since it seems he doesn't listen very well. She may have simply gotten bored with him - thinking she could have had a V-8 instead. Whatever.
It is all too easy to spread blame for present conditions when what brought them to this state was the combined efforts of a lot of little failures over the years on both their parts.
Poisian--so your million dollar question in all that is....whose tendencies drove whom to which actions? Often it's a combination.
OP--I'm stricken by the fact that all your reasons for not pursuing this woman are all about YOU. YOU'd look like a jerk. YOU'd have work issues. YOU'd risk your relationship with the kids. Where's your wife in all that? Where's your concern for her well-being, her feelings, the commitment you made to her?
What I'm getting from the combination of OP's posts is that he just wants this woman, and he's looking for us to tell him it's okay to get her.
No, flirtation doesn't stop when the HS diploma arrives in the mail (since it seems they don't get handed out at commencement anymore). No, not every woman who flirts with a man actually wants to get that man in the sack. And no, pursuing another woman while you're still married* is not okay. (*As an homage to EEK, I will qualify that with "unknown/un-agreed to by your wife".)
Flirting is fun. It lightens the day. Especially if what gets said is a little more...adventurous?...than a person tends to behave most of the time. It feels good to let loose and come out of that shell a little.
But in that context it also means zilch, as OP has discovered. My guess is, OP would not even be wondering what it means if he weren't already having difficulties at home.
Fix your marriage or end it, first. Then and only then would it be anywhere near appropriate to pursue things with another woman.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;265945]YOU are playing 'the blame game' yourself when you say, without qualification, that his wife will. She may and then again, she may not. We have no way of knowing. We also have no idea of what conditions are in their household - what issues there might be that are getting in their way. All we know is that he's been flirting with a woman who isn't serious and who has no intention of ever being seriously involved with him and that he's feeling upset about it.
Yes, that's YOUR experience but that isn't every man's experience.[/QUOTE]
Nope. I was more careful than you are. I said, his wife "likely will." And it is likely that she will. That is the typical response. Furthermore, he knows her better than we do and his assessment of the situation implies that she will not be a very happy camper when she finds out what is going on here.
So, I conclude -- it's likely that she will. That's my take on the scene.
Yes, I could be wrong.
And so could you.
Nonetheless, as I tried to point out, the problem belongs to both parties and both parties need to own the problem before they can solve it.
Possibly but THAT'S not what he asked us about and there have been more than a few answers re: "my wife won't have sex with me anymore".
I can't imagine why a workplace flirtation would upset anyone in a secure marriage.
Whatever speculation on his and her situation;
it's clear the OP should be putting his energy in his marriage,
instead of upsetting over another woman's flirting!
Of course, RR, but there are alternative arrangements.