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Should it bother me that my wife won't let me cum in her mouth?

My wife and I have been married for a little over five years. She is a great partner, and I am very happy in my marriage. That being said, one thing has been bothering me for a while, and I can't seem to shake it. In most of my previous relationships the women that I dated had no problem letting me cum in their mouths and swallowing. It is something that was (and is) very important to me for a complete sex life. My wife however, will not let me cum in her mouth. When we were dating she always wanted me to cum inside her, or cum on her chest, or anywhere else. I've always respected her wishes and haven't done it "by accident". I didn't worry about it too much, because I knew that she liked to swallow...my wife used to date a friend of mine (that was how I met her) before we started a relationship. They had a very passionate relationship for about a year. During this time, my friend filmed their "sessions" on multiple occasions...and yes, several of us guys used to watch the home videos (my wife (his girlfriend at the time) is a very attractive blonde). On these tapes I saw her begging him to cum in her mouth, and swallowing it...licking it clean.

I have talked to my wife several times about wanting her to do swallow for me., and I always get the same response...I don't do that. I have never mentioned that I've seen the tapes, and I know that she didn't always feel the same way. Should this bother me? Should I tell her what I know? As her husband should I expect her to provide those services for me?

Let me start by saying thank you to “Ravishing” for being the only member to chime in with any helpful insight (rather than judgment and condemnation).

Yesterday I decided it was time to lay all my cards on the table get to the bottom of this issue. After work I told my wife that I had something that I wanted to talk to her about and I didn’t want it dismissed as unimportant. Right away she knew where I was going…she said: “it’s not the whole cum in my mouth thing again…I told you, I don’t do that”. So my question to her was…you don’t do it now, or you never did it. Her response was that she had of course done it a few times (after all she is in her mid-thirties), but that she doesn’t make a practice of it.

At this point I figured it was time to confront her with the knowledge I had of the video tapes. I told her that I had seen her do it at least 15-20 times (with great passion I might add) on some home videos. I also told her that I had discussed this with my friend (her ex-boyfriend) and he claims that she loved to swallow for him….she begged him for it. Once it was out in the open, I could see her whole attitude change. She was clearly at a loss for words. She knew that her ex had shown the videos to his co-workers, but no to me and several of our other friends. Surprisingly she was not upset about it, but more ashamed…knowing that several people that she is good friends with have seen her perform her most intimate acts. It was obvious that the “I don’t do that” was no longer going to end the conversation. I could see that she needed some time to collect her thoughts before making her next move, so I told her that I would drop it for now, but I did want to finish this after she’s had some time to formulate a response. I went outside and cut the grass and washed her car.

When I came back inside, she told me that after thinking it all over, she wanted to apologize for not being completely honest with me. She said that I was right, and as my wife she should have been straight with me from the beginning. She proceeded to tell me that she had pretty much always swallowed for her boyfriends since she was fifteen. She said that she liked it (a little too much). When she was younger, guys were so happy that she did it, that they just about worshipped her. But as she got older, guys started to realize how much she liked them cumming in her mouth, and began to hold it over her head (no pun intended). She said that the last four or five guys that she dated would make her beg for the cum. She said she started feeling very degraded by something that she used to get a lot of empowerment from. The guys stopped being thankful for what she had done, and started treating her like they were doing her a favor by letting her swallow their cum.

She said that when she started dating me, she knew that this relationship was something special and didn’t want it to go in the wrong direction…so she avoided getting in that position with me. As the relationship grew, she decided it would be best to just stick with the plan and never let me cum in he mouth. She never wanted to feel disrespected by me the way she did with those other guys she had dated.

This was what was upsetting her the most at this point. Knowing that I had seen the movies of her, and knowing how she acted with her ex…she was afraid that I wouldn’t have the same respect for her…or that I never had the respect for her to begin with.

I reassured her that I had always respected her, otherwise I never could have married her. I also reminded her that I had seen those tapes before we ever dated, and she never questioned my love or respect at any time in our relationship. I also told her that after hearing her reasoning, it only made me respect her more. The fact that she though so much of me and out relationship that she didn’t want to take any chances with loosing my respect…only goes to show how special she really is.

Now that all this was out, and I understood her feelings on the situation, I told her that I would not bother her about it anymore. I was glad that the truth was out for both of us, and I no longer had to question why there was some inconsistent behavior in her sexual activity.

We spent a nice evening out at a great restaurant enjoying each others company with weight lifted from both our chests. When we got home and got upstairs, she told me that she was so glad that we had had that conversation earlier. Things started getting intimate and we made some very passionate love. As I approached my bursting point, she pulled away and asked me to stand up. She dropped to her knees in front of me and finished me off in her mouth….swallowing every drop and licking it clean. She then stood up and embraced me. We exchanged “I love you” and then she said with a smile on her face: “Yea, but will you respect me in the morning?” Once again showing how great she really is…adding a touch of humor to what could have been an awkward moment.

Needless to say, I’m thrilled with how things turned out. I’m even happier that I listened to my own advice rather than listening to most of those who chimed in…trying to make me feel bad about the way I felt, and placing the onus on me…not that I wanted someone to blame. We‘re married, I DO have a right to an explanation when it affects our marriage. Just as I would feel compelled to explain anything that bothered her. The minute you place your feelings over the marriage, it’s going downhill.

To “Ravishing”, it looks like you were on the right page all along…thanks for offering some helpful insight.

[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;258994]

> Should this bother me?

No. Each person, male, female, has both a level of tolerance for certain things, as well as acts s/he will or will not participate in. All any of us can do is to discuss the matter and let them know that this is either something you would like to participate in--or not, as the case may be. You can also ask why s/he is not interested in engaging in certain acts. It could be as simple as having had a bad experience and not knowing how to go about it correctly. If the latter, and the person is open to discussing the subject then progress is likely.

> Should I tell her what I know?

What? About having watched the videos of her? Are you insane? The answer to such questions is this: "Of what value is it for her/him to know this?"

[/QUOTE]

I don't like the fact that she tells me that she doesn't do that, when I know differently...I've seen her do it, and I know that she enjoys (or enjoyed) it.

As far as telling her about watching the tapes of her doing this...my question was, should I confront her with the information that I have seen her do this and enjoy it...even though she tells me that she doesn't do that.

I wish that she would perform this act for me, but even more than that, I don't like the fact that she is not being honest with me about this.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home Page you will find even more information.

> Should this bother me?

No. Each person, male, female, has both a level of tolerance for certain things, as well as acts s/he will or will not participate in. All any of us can do is to discuss the matter and let them know that this is either something you would like to participate in--or not, as the case may be. You can also ask why s/he is not interested in engaging in certain acts. It could be as simple as having had a bad experience and not knowing how to go about it correctly. If the latter, and the person is open to discussing the subject then progress is likely.

> Should I tell her what I know?

What? About having watched the videos of her? Are you insane? The answer to such questions is this: "Of what value is it for her/him to know this?"

> As her husband should I expect her to provide those services for me?

Let me answer your question this way: making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other in partnership. No, you should not expect her to provide any of "those services".

I recommend that the two of you read the articles listed in the Index and then discuss the information you have acquired. It seems to me that the two of you need to have some open discussions back and forth about all of this. Communication is key to a successful relationship.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

No, you can not expect her to do this for you. Like dear doc says; all you can do is ask her why. In a gentle, relaxed, non-pushy and non-attacking way of communicating. Maybe she's got a pretty good reason for it :)

And you've got yourself in a rather inconvenient situation there; seen things you weren't supposed to see, knowing things you weren't supposed to know...
-As it was in fact a secret, right?
-And it was a private tape for her and him, right?
-Your wife has no knowledge at all about you two buddies discussing her sexual escapades, right?
(asking because I can imagine how she does know... my bf knows I talk about sex with my best friend. So he wouldn't be surprised, should we break up and should he start dating her, she'd know quite a bit...)

Like doc says: Of what value is it for her to know this?

[INDENT] I don't know about your wife, but I know the value it would be to me. First picture me as a peace-loving and kind woman that hardly ever raises her voice or fights about things. Now hypothetically speaking about this situation:

If I had made a private tape and trusted my partner to keep it private, I'd want to bite his head of (or perhaps another bodypart ;)) for showing it to his friends. Ex or no ex, I'd probably be stampeding towards his house demanding for the tapes (he'd be scared I'd burn down the house if he wouldn't give me ;)). Check Youporn and what not. Sue him big time if I'd find myself there. Furious, that's the word! And my fury would burn even harder if I'd find out that my husband was keeping this knowledge a secret from me...

Keeping it a secret or not, once it comes out there's a chance it becomes ugly. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about if it should bother you that she doesn't want you coming inside her mouth. This secret and whenever it comes out should be bothering you. Unless she's not like me, off course ;) Personally: If my husband would tell me honestly; I may feel embarrassed and angry for a while, yet I wouldn't break down on him, simply for his honesty. I would however hate it if he would confront me with "evidence", instead of simply asking for my reasons...
[/INDENT]

So; I'd advice you to have a chat about the 'Why?', as mentioned above. And do not start throwing evidence around the place. If you'd want to tell, do so because of honesty and perhaps because of "shame" you've kept it a secret. Not for the reason of benefiting of it yourself.

And: I'd advice you that if it really is a secret and you take the doc's advice to not tell AND to look around this forum with the both of you, you first kindly request the moderator to remove your thread. Cause hell could be waiting for you if she'd find out about your knowledge through reading this thread...

> I don't like the fact that she tells me that she doesn't do that, when I know differently...I've seen her do it, and I know that she enjoys (or enjoyed) it.

People are entitled to change their minds, likes, and, dislikes. Just because she did this at one time in her life, she may not want to do it at this point in her life. The same for you, regardless of the activity. The key to the dilemma is that she may have enjoyed it--not does as in the present tense.

You won't know anything for certain until the two of you can discuss the subject openly. It may just be, as I said before, that she had a bad experience that has soured her to the practice. It may be that if she knew how to do it properly, she would do it, again. So, please do not be so defensive or uppity.

> should I confront her with the information that I have seen her do this and enjoy it.

Confrontation? Most people react defensively, so what is this approach likely to accomplish? Better me thinks to approach her openly and in a manner the two of you would discuss most any matter of importance. Refer to the previous post.

[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;258998]> It may just be, as I said before, that she had a bad experience that has soured her to the practice. It may be that if she knew how to do it properly, she would do it, again. So, please do not be so defensive or uppity.
QUOTE]

I've seen her do it (multiple times)...she knows how to do it properly...that is not the problem. I've discussed this with my friend (her ex-boyfriend) and he tells me that she always enjoyed it with him, and was doing it right up until the end of their relationship. She didn't date anyone between him and me, so I don't know what would have happened to change her mind

I do find it strange that the two people that have chimed in both completely disregard the fact that she is not being honest with me about this. That's why I feel that I should be honest with her and tell her what I know, bring this out into the open. Maybe confronted with the facts she'll tell me what's really going on...when she can't hide behind the "I don't do that" excuse.

[quote]I do find it strange that the two people that have chimed in both completely disregard the fact that she is not being honest with me about this. That's why I feel that I should be honest with her and tell her what I know, bring this out into the open. Maybe confronted with the facts she'll tell me what's really going on...when she can't hide behind the "I don't do that" excuse.[/quote]
Well, it's the truth isn't it? She doesn't do that. With you, that is... (Sorry; it's a bit harsh maybe... :()

Why? Only you can find out by having a respectful, gentle, relaxed, non-pushy and non-attacking conversation. As mentioned: you shouldn't misuse "honesty" to overpower her into talking or for "personal gain". You don't want your relationship to be about forcing eachother into answering intimate questions?! Why should she answer your question if you're demanding an answer of her? She doesn't even owe you an explanation, a simple 'no' would suffice. Remember you're asking a favor, asking her to fulfill your wish. It's not a service or a demand you can make. Even if she did do it for your buddy, doesn't mean she's bound to do it for you.

She's your wife, you know her, you love her! So I guess you'll know whether hell is coming or not... And whatever you think is worth it. Her "excuse" may seem like a lie to you. But maybe it's not all that black and white. It's like you said: you "don't know what would have happened to change her mind". Only she can tell you her reasons. I could think of a few reasons and start guessing, but no-one on this forum can tell you...

All I can say is: you may ask for her reasons. But it's up to her to tell you. And if the reason is good enough for her, it will be so; you're no judge of that. You should respect her boundaries in this relationship. What was in the past, remains in the past, what's now, is now...

[QUOTE=highheelsfetish;258999][QUOTE=dancingdoc2;258998]> It may just be, as I said before, that she had a bad experience that has soured her to the practice. It may be that if she knew how to do it properly, she would do it, again. So, please do not be so defensive or uppity.
QUOTE]

I've seen her do it (multiple times)...she knows how to do it properly...that is not the problem. I've discussed this with my friend (her ex-boyfriend) and he tells me that she always enjoyed it with him, and was doing it right up until the end of their relationship. She didn't date anyone between him and me, so I don't know what would have happened to change her mind

I do find it strange that the two people that have chimed in both completely disregard the fact that she is not being honest with me about this. That's why I feel that I should be honest with her and tell her what I know, bring this out into the open. Maybe confronted with the facts she'll tell me what's really going on...when she can't hide behind the "I don't do that" excuse.[/QUOTE]

Maybe she was pretending to enjoy swallowing with her previous boyfriend, but seeing as she actually married you, she couldn't face keeping up the charade for the rest of her life. Just like there are things you don't know about her, her boyfriend may not have known as well as he thought. Obviously the communication and honesty was not all there in the relationship if he didn't tell her that he showed all his friends their sex tapes. It's actually a pretty horrid breach of trust if he didn't get her permission. I think you should tell her that you saw those tapes just because she has a right to know that he put them on display for his friend.

It wouldn't be an unusual situation if that is the case though. I know of many, and even have close friends that lie to their significant other about enjoying aspects of sex. I even have one friend that went as far as to say she wishes she enjoyed sex and she's never had an orgasm. As far as her boyfriend knows, she does every time. You're disappointed that your wife doesn't like swallowing. Lots of women don't want to disappoint. Maybe your wife actually chose to be honest with you.

OMG - you watched tapes that SHOULD have been kept private - I understand that no one asked your now wife's permission to view these tapes before you all gathered around like a grungy pack of drooling apes to watch them - and now YOU are ACCUSING HER of NOt being HONEST with you?!?!?!?

Time you were honest with her and with yourself.
You deserve her contempt, not her compliance.

I pretty much agree with most of what's been said already. The fact that someone has done something before doesn't mean they want to do it again. You could have simply asked her if there was something about it that bothered her. Hopefully the two of you would have a good communication history with each other and she'd be comfortable enough to talk to you about it but if she still didn't want to elaborate just accept it and move on.

You have a much more serious problem if your wife did not consent to your friend showing that video to others. Breaching that trust to show off and brag to friends is a serious violation. People here are probably assuming she did not since she doesn't know that you've seen it.

I'm glad it all worked out for you and how you are both being honest with each other :)
My sincere apologies if I've made you feel condemned in any way. That is not my intention and is not the objective of this forum. We may not agree, but that shouldn't mean making each other feel bad. Reading my post again, I do see how I could have used milder words & tone of voice to describe my message to you and should have focused more on advice than on "guessing". Sorry about that... :(

Well, let's see

1. she's watched you in a video - without your permission - shown to her by one of your ex-girlfriends, doing something (prehaps regrettable) that you refuse to do with her ALTHOUGH she has asked you to do it with her. AND she writes in to us asking us How do I get him to do soemhting with me that he refuses to do that I KNOW he's done, apparently with great skill and pleasure before?

Feeling shortchanged because she's not getting something your ex-girlfriend got.

Think I'd tell her anything different than what I told you?
No, I wouldn't.

EVERY relationship has to be built from the ground up and you had advanced knowledge that you are now trying to hold against her.

She has told you no.

Now you either accept that or wait for her to change her mind without you pushing her or you continue pushing her to do somehting she does not want to do and watch her love for you die because in her eyes "sex is all about you".

The choice is yours.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;259136]

...she's watched you in a video - without your permission

...you had advanced knowledge that you are now trying to hold against her.

...and watch her love for you die because in her eyes "sex is all about you".

The choice is yours.[/QUOTE]

Why in the world would I need her permission? She allowed herself to be filmed...the person that owns the tapes offered to show them to me (and others)...I had no obligation to her at the time that I viewed it...she was his girlfriend. As far as I knew, she was aware that he was showing them to us. Any problem there is (or was) between her and her ex. And lets face it, if you are willing to film yourself having sex, you do so knowing that it will be seen by others at some point.

I was not trying to hold anything against her. I can't help the fact that I had inside information...this is not court...the evidence is admissible. Her response to my question was not the truth and I knew it. More than wanting her to swallow my cum, I wanted her to be honest with me.

Actually, I think this has made our love stronger, and it has made our sex life better for both of us. She loves to swallow cum, she just wants to be respected for doing it, not treated like a whore. I'm thankful when she does it, and I let her know it.

It's good that you were able to resolve this issue but i personally wouldn't want my boyfriends pals watching me do intimate acts with him on video.What goes on in the bedroom should stay there.Did your wife even know she was being filmed by her ex?

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;259165]Now you are obligated to her and before you go any further, you should tell her that her ex showed you and other men those films. Imagine if your wife photgographed you naked and posted them all over your local area - in living color. How would that make you feel?

Instead of enjoying what she does share with you, you remain focused upon the one thing she does not. Why is that?[/QUOTE]

Are you even reading this thread? Of course she knows that other people have watched the videos...it's been stated several times.

You seem very determined to attack me about these videos...I DIDN'T FILM HER! I was asked to watch the films...and I did. I was a single guy at the time...I had no obligation to anyone.

We are married...I've given all of myself to her...and she to me. There is no "what she does share with me"...it's everything.

I think that most people would feel that way...which is why most people don't allow a camera to be anywhere near them during sex.

Yes, she was well aware of the fact that she was being filmed. In almost every instance she would be looking right into the camera, and there were a lot of "point of view" shots where he would have the camera looking down at her while she finished him off. Once all this came out, she openly admitted that she had no problem with him filming their "sessions", or showing the tapes to his co-workers. She enjoyed wearing sexy outfits and "feeling like a porn star". She just didn't know that he was showing them to his other friends (which of course ended up being her friends as well). She never planned on encountering any of his co-workers, but knowing that her friends have seen the videos (and by proxy, some of their wives and girlfriends must know about the videos) makes her ashamed of it now. The one decent thing, her ex has never posted the videos on any internet sights. He has also agreed to give her all the tapes so that she can do what she wants with them.

Now you are obligated to her and before you go any further, you should tell her that her ex showed you and other men those films. Imagine if your wife photgographed you naked and posted them all over your local area - in living color. How would that make you feel?

Instead of enjoying what she does share with you, you remain focused upon the one thing she does not. Why is that?

No. No woman should have to take cum in the mouth or swallow it.

The only "facts" that are interesting in this thread are the filming and distribution. That woman, now that the acts are in the public domain, will have a forever record of her teen years on the internet. Imagine thirty years from now: "Hey, mates, wanna see me gram doing a blowjob?" If she was aware of the recording, she is daft; if not, the videographer is a criminal.

I cannot imagine a sub-culture of this sort. I am certain they have done nothing that most of us have not, but the casual acceptance of others viewing and choosing friends based on the pictures smacks of a low class meet-market.

I have always felt that if my wife was giving me a blow job and she wanted to take it in her mouth, great. But I also think once she helps it leave my body it belongs to her and she can do what ever she pleases with it. Including letting it hit the floor or my chest or what ever. Just be very gratefull she will give you a blow job, there are a lot of women who won't, under any circumstances.

It is the complete lack of any ethical understanding that 'gets' to me.

Her ex violated her trust and now this man, who says he loves her, is using his prior knowledge, unethically gained, as a kind of weapon to push her into doing something she doesn't want to do.