I am able to please my woman 100% of the time but everytime i am working her up to climax either through oral and g spot stimulation with my fingers or through penetration she always feels very nervous and tense til i push her over the edge. We have talked about it and she says that she feels very selfish when recieving pleasure but i insist to her that she deserves all that i give to her as she gives to me. I think the reasoning behind these feeling she has is the type of men she has been with in the past. We have a very loving and strong relationship and im just trying to find a way to get her past these feelings of selfishness when i please her so she can relax and be more open to me pleasuring her so she can enjoy cumming and reaching climax much more and with no negative feelings. Do any other women feel the same way about this? Is there anything i can do to help eliminate these feelings easier? Any advice and or opinions are appreciated. :D
Sun, 08/19/2007 - 10:47
#1
She feels recieving pleasure is selfish :[?
My girlfriend is a bit like that...she doesnt get really nervous...but she does feel bad when I please her without having her return the favor....but what do you mean the kind of guys she used to date? like the all for themselves? if she didnt get them they would get pissed? and does it take her a long time to finish? because if you are nervous and cant relax, it is extremely hard if even possible to finish...perhaps she is confusing her nervousness for a high level of arousal. (fluttering heart, slight trembling, shortness of breath all symptoms of anxiety, yet i have gotten them when highly turned on) If she cant get these feelings to subside, try going first when fooling around, have her finish you and then you finish her, then perhaps she wont feel so selfish.
If she is feeling selfish feeling pleasure, I would say she needs to find out why. Most common is feeling sex and sexual pleasure are dirty. You both need a serious chat.
[quote]If she is feeling selfish feeling pleasure, I would say she needs to find out why. Most common is feeling sex and sexual pleasure are dirty.[/quote]
Feeling sex is dirty as a justification for feeling selfish about receiving pleasure? I don't follow your logic there- feeling that sex is dirty or sinful is a justification for feeling ashamed about receiving pleasure.
I'd instead think that she feels that receiving pleasure is selfish because she isn't returning it to you, and she perhaps feels uncomfortable in the spotlight- or like she's using you for her own pleasure and worries that perhaps you don't enjoy giving her pleasure without receiving any yourself.
In that case, reassure her that it pleases you to please her. Back that up by showing her how much you enjoy touching her- talk to her, tell her that she is beautiful and you love watching her, whatever works for you. You could also try simultaneously pleasuring each other, which might work better for her as she won't feel so guilty.
Those who feel sexual pleasure tend to attach it to a mentality "sex is dirty" and "If I enjoy it, then I am X". Many in religious families tend to follow it's dirty, sinful, and pleasure is also sinful. There are many reasons she is rejecting feeling pleasure. Perhaps her parents told her it's slutty, thus the reason I said they need to communicate. There are many causes, this is one. Logic is not too hard to follow, just read up on abnormal psych.
Have you considered some sort of arrangement where you can both be pleasured at the same time? That way, no need for her to feel "selfish", since you're both getting something out of it.
Also, does she realise that you enjoy pleasuring her? One way to sell it to her is "doing it for you".
Of course "receiving pleasure" is selfish!
There's no way around it, and that is the way it is - the key word here of course being "receiving". When I cum, it is not out of concern for the well-being of the wretched of this world, and no, at that very moment, I am not thinking of poor old aunt Sally who is struggling with whatever hardship life has brought her way. Although I love my luv with all the passion and reciprocity possible, I admit candidly that from a certain point in our lovemaking and depending on what "she" is doing to me (as opposed to other situations where we simultaneously do things to each other), my mind/thoughts/will/aspirations tend to focus on a very specific and narrowly-defined aspect of things. :p
Problems arise when sex and lovemaking begin and/or end with one's own very selfish pleasure.
Sex is kind of selfish in a way, bit in some cases it's two people working together to get what they want. Sort of like a negotiation.....
Even though sex is taboo in my family, seen as dirty, etc.... Somehow I have no problem receiving as much pleasure as I can handle!
We talked after sex tonight and she said she feels it is selfish and that she feels that she doesnt deserve the be pleasured so much because of the abusive relationships she has been in in the past. She told me the men she was with never went down on her or went out of their way to please her like i do so it isnt something she is used to yet. Thanks for all the replys i think this is just something we will have to work through slowly til she realizes that she does deserve all the pleasure she recieves from me. She knows that she pleases me completely i think she is just getting used to having a man who wants and enjoys pleasing her in return.
Gento - Exactly right. It isn't anything other than low self-esteem that causes women to feel they do not deserve to enjoy sex, they don't deserve orgasms, and/or they can never ask for what they want but instead must always give - never receive.
You might be surprised to find out that this VERY common and some form of abuse is usualy the cause.
Patience and loving care on your part and counseling by a therapist are needed to overcome this - please make sure she gets both.
ok i understand what shes talking about how she could feel selfish. she dosent like that your pleasing her and shes not pleasing you. you should tell her you enjoy making her happy and thats why you do it if you didnt enjoy you proly wouldnt be doing it am i correct