[QUOTE=RyanRogers;153093]It sounds as if I am blaming her. I'm not! I'd just like to try and understandthe problem so I can fix it.

[/QUOTE]

Thats it right there, its her problem, so you can't "fix it", at least not on your own, you can help her but not fix it for her.

try here

Hello Ryan, welcome to the Board. I really like your post and the manner in which you presented your situation.

> This is my first post on here and is probably one that has been done hundreds of times.

This question has come up occasionally and it is an extremely important situation. I will give you (and others) some background information along with the two-part solution. After reading this, please invite your girlfriend to do so, also.

> My girlfriend says she can't orgasm.... I am worried that her lack of orgasms will start to cause problems.

Not necessarily. As Brandye has mentioned several times, not every woman is capable of experiencing orgasms. Regardless of whether an individual can or cannot, the actual enjoyment is more often than not in the journey, not the destination. This is a quote from a recent post:
[Enbolding is for emphasis.]

"2. Twenty-five percent of all women have never experienced an
orgasm. About half of us (including me) rarely experience orgasm as
a result of penile thrusting. We need a bit more."

So, for the quarter of the female population who are unable, this lack of ability does not seem to be a problem.**

First of all your girlfriend must understand that orgasms are not inherent and automatic. Each one of us, male and female, is responsible for our own orgasms, we do not give them away. All any of us can hope for is to help our partner achieve his/her own. If we do not provide the proper stimulus in just the right way, either the orgasm will not happen or it will not be as expected. With something so important, who wants this as our batting average?

That said, while every teenage girl and boy has the "equipment" and the "wiring" necessary to achieve and enjoy orgasms, each and every one of us must make the necessary electrical connections. This involves "connecting the dots" so to speak between the millions of nerve endings in the skin to the transmission lines in the autonomic nervous system, and then to the pleasure center in the brain. This requires training and is not innate.

Boys pretty much establish these pathways as a matter of course when they learn to masturbate right out of puberty. Girls often do not learn as young, and some, not at all. If she is to make the transition from what is termed "pre-orgasmic" to an orgasmic person, she absolutely, positively, must learn to masturbate to orgasm and with consistency and regularity. For a man or woman to enjoy an orgasm regardless of how it is generated, for it to occur, we must already have the connections made and the circuits tried and tested.

> We have spoken about it and during the course of our discussions it came to light that she has only ever masterbated three times in her entire life. I don't know why, it just doesn't do it for her I guess.

With so little experience, she may never have achieved an orgasm and made the transmutation. If she expects you to give her an orgasm she is not only misinformed, but her own worst enemy. She needs information and this is why I am urging you to have her read this. Your first question to her is to learn if she has ever had an orgasm during one or more of those three episodes. If yes, she needs to do this again and again until she can climax consistently and reliably. If no, then, again, she needs to learn how and this is done by repeated attempts in order to learn what is required and then to establish both the connections and the method.

Once she learns how, she will soon work out a technique of motions, rhythms, and pressures that she will come to rely upon over the course of her life. It is only then that you will be able to help her reach future orgasms by your hand. Herein lies the secret. We all understand the basic mechanics involved in fingering a clitoris and stroking a penis; however, there is more that I call the "Fine Art" that is unique to each individual. It is this art to the method that must be learned by each partner.

Once she knows how to have orgasms by her own hand and can do so consistently, then you can learn to mimic her movements, rhythms, and pressures. To do this, ask her to take your hand/fingers in hers and to guide your movements for a few sessions until you learn what she needs and relies upon. The same holds true for you with her, also!

The second part of the solution is communication. When we masturbate we benefit from internal feedback that permits us to modulate and make midcourse corrections to our "Fine Art" on our journey toward a climax. When someone else is at the "helm" and in control, we loose the internal feedback and then rely upon verbal and non-verbal cues. Verbal can be in the form of a word, phrase, or other utterence; non-verbal can be some form of body language like a squeeze of the hand or a rubbing of the hand that increases in speed as passions build, or something else the two of you work out to communicate specific meanings.

As for you concern about why she does not masturbate, it is because women handle stress much differently than men and have and can utilize other outlets. Also, testosterone drives us to masturbate frequently. Women also have testosterone although the level is considerably less. These two factors are probalby why women masturbate far less often.

> she has no way of knowing what it is that she likes (as a guy does through self masterbation) but she isn' keen to start masterbating. Obviously I don't want to make her do something she doesn't want to.

Perhaps now she will see the value of masturbation that also includes two more benefits: the relief of daily stresses and for the pure joy of it.

> Do the spasms that she is having mean she is actually orgasiming but she just doesn't know it? Or, does she have a problem is completely letting go. Maybe its a control thing.

Maybe yes, maybe no to all of the above. Without more information it is impossible to say for certain if the spasms are the result of a climax, or, simply a sign that she is right on the edge. The female orgasm is much more internalized than the male's so I tend to think that it is her body's reaction to having reached the trigger point. What she needs to do at this point is to continue doing what she is doing--do not change anything and do not stop. If anything, she will be driven increase the speed of her hand movements. Sometimes when a person is first learning how, s/he will experience the urge to pee. This is a false signal, especially if the person emptied the bladder before starting to make out. The trick is to ignore the urge and to push right through it. It will not be long before this signal goes away for good.

> I feel that sex is somewhat one sided and don't really feel that I should have the right to come every time if she doesn't.

** Asked and answered, above. The percentages are with her for being able to learn and then have orgasms. Should it turn out that she is one of the 25% who cannot, it is still all about the journey. So, making love has more to do with sharing and exploring, and learning, and expressing the love each of you has for the other.

> I know it's all about being relaxed for girls - and she tells me she is - and I've tried all the massages/ intimate foreplay etc. I know that the more of an issue is made out of this, the less likely we are to get results.

You are a wise and caring person. You have all the ingredients for being a kind, considerate, compassionate, knowledgeable, and, skilled lover. A relationship should be a partnership. Making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. Continue to explore and learn together. You are well on your way.

I hope this is of help. Please feel free to continue the discussion should either of you have additional questions or concerns.

Doc