need advice from older ladies

[a sensual guy]

Hello. First I apologize I am not sure where to put this but it concerns a lady's health some of that is sexual so I'm a 34 year old man and dating a woman online who's old enough to be my mother. Because of that age difference, she is scared people are going to accuse her of "robbing the cradle" I understand how she feels but it upsets me people will think this because I am not a kid anymore, I'm an adult. I'm mature and wise enough to make my own decisions on who I want to share my life with. What can I say to her to set her mind at ease? We both agree that for us, age is just a number...but it's still going to be hard to explain things to our families and friends.

Unfortunately that isn't even the half of it. She has a lot of health issues, MS, ischemia, fybromyalgia, just to name a few. She has had two strokes, one right after she gave birth to her son and put her in a coma for 4 months. The other in 2008. She gets TIAs because of the ischemia. She also has heart trouble and even more health issues. She's been preparing me for these things, little by little, and she is afraid she's scaring me away. She says that even, "I know I'm scaring you away" What frustrates me is that I feel no matter what I say to assure her that she's not scaring me away, she doesn't fully believe me. I am scared for her, scared as hell to lose her, but I'm not running away. I also concerned about our sex life, I know it's selfish, I just curious what the difference will be, what I should expect. She has made it clear how she feels about me, but with all her health issues I feel an even bigger need to make her comfortable and happy in the bedroom. Because she won't be able to do all the things a regular healthy woman will want to do, and she's made it clear she's self-conscious about her body, things like wrinkles. I try to let her know that their is beauty in every age, but she got it in her head that every man wants a barbie doll or something. I just think actions speak so much louder than words over the phone and when the time comes, I want to know any advice you may have for me that would make her feel beautiful, show her how special she means to me. I'm also wondering what to expect, she says she doesn't get as moist as she used to, will this be a problem? I do worry about her getting too excited also that it would exacerbate her health issues, be too much on her. She says when she's in the bedroom she's able to do more than when she's not, this doesn't quite make sense to me. Sometimes I wonder if she has any libido at all or just wanting me there for protection. She has a daughter that abuses her and her granddaughter, her aide is snoopy and doesn't do anything for her to help her, she's all alone, she's buried all her family. She was married for over 30 years and talks about her husband a lot. I don't mind this so much but I would like to be more of us and is it wrong to think that will change once I'm there? She goes on about other things from her past too, negative things about when she was abused by her father and it's really hard to say anything, I don't know how to console her sometimes and when I can hear her in pain and I don't want to raise her stress level, to exacerbate her health issues. Also because of her strokes, the TIA's affect her memory and speech, she repeats things a lot, forgets things she told me, or things I told her...it can be frustrating. I'm worried this won't work out, despite both our best intentions. I know I make it sound worse than it is, it's not all bad and love this strong is definitely worth fighting for! But, we need all the help we can get here.

[a sensual guy]

Also, oh and sorry for double post but I forgot a few things. She has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) on account of the abuse she suffered in her childhood. Certain words and things will trigger anxiety in her and I don't want to do this to her. One of those words is "baby" which is something I always have to keep in the back of my head NOT to say, and it makes it hard for me to let me hair down when I'm on the phone. She always picks on me, teasingly, that she does All the talking but I'm uncomfortable because I might say or respond in a way that will trigger something...I don't know how many times I've almost said "baby" But anyway...and I'm a rather quiet, reserved conversationalist anyway. I've always been more of a listener and I think in person it will be different. I really hate talking on the phone, a person can't see their body language and I use a lot of that.

[Brandye]

You are 34 and she is old enough to be your mother. I suspect that she is older than I but not by too much

You have not met her in person? She has told you of all these problems, including an abusive daughter, without even seeing you face to face? Are you both daft? Or, are you jumping much further ahead in this relationship than she is aware?

Forget the temporal age; her real age is quite different but you may or may not have a way to estimate the reality. MS can be debilitating; there are people we meet every day with MS and are never aware; most MS patients live a normal life span. Untreated PTSD from her childhood? She has certainly learned adaptive behaviours to make it this far in life. Or, is she ready to breakdown mentally? Fibromyalgia? How advanced and do you want to spend several years as a caretaker. Memory and speech issues that are advanced beyond her age. Why the hell are you worried about vaginal lubrication; that can taken care of with a few quid tube and applicator.

I do hope that you are making much of this up but until you actually meet her and spend some time together, your descriptions need be taken with a grain of salt.

[funinthesun]

Originally Posted by Brandye

I do hope that you are making much of this up but until you actually meet her and spend some time together, your descriptions need be taken with a grain of salt.

You both likely have some serious issues that are going to be the cause of failure in the relationship. The age and health issues will simply speed this up. Also, regarding the health issues, hearing about them and even being knowledgeable about their effects is ENTIRELY different than actually living with the person and dealing with the daily effects of them in person.

[a sensual guy]

I'm not making this up but I know it sounds crazy. We are both a little crazy, part of the attraction...hard to explain. Think I said, we have a unique relationship here.

We have been acquainted for the last 4 years over the internet, and a few months ago it just "hit" us. I can tell by your response you doubt the sincerity of my feelings and perhaps hers also.

I did not mean to suggest she hasn't had treatment for her PTSD, she has had therapy but certain some things are still being regressed and the doctor told her it's better off not to remember. We talked about it together, she doesn't want me to be her aide, her caretaker as you put it. I do not know how advanced the fibromyalgia is either. I know she has had MS for 20 years.

[a sensual guy]

Originally Posted by funinthesun

You both likely have some serious issues that are going to be the cause of failure in the relationship. The age and health issues will simply speed this up. Also, regarding the health issues, hearing about them and even being knowledgeable about their effects is ENTIRELY different than actually living with the person and dealing with the daily effects of them in person.

I know you are trying to be realistic but do understand I realize these things already. I have lived with a mother with COPD, and had to be her caretaker. So I have an idea what I'm in for and what it's going to take.

[Brandye]

More directly: You do not even know her; she is a candidate for a nursing facility or dementia unit at a younger than normal age; and, you are worried about a sex life. First, meet her.

[woogydice]

4 years, all this debating, and you have not met each other face to face yet? What is the holdup?

[a sensual guy]

Brandye: I asked her about her Fibromyalgia and she has had it since 1997. She has persistent headaches and arthritic pains because of it, and takes Norco for it when it gets excruciatingly bad. Her MS, she says that if you had to have it, that the type she has is the one to have. It goes in and out of remission. I understand the road that lies ahead will be a difficult one but that is a part of life. Those of us in perfect health today could not be tomorrow, does that mean your loved ones stop loving you? Anyway it all just comes down to what I got to prove to her, not anybody else.

I have seen her in pics, she looks upper 40's but she is in her lower 60's. We both look younger than our own ages. From what she says, when I will meet her I will say she doesn't look sick at all. The biggest thing is with her congestive heart condition that she has shortness of breath.

You are right I do need to meet her and we are working on that...it will all happen when it's meant to be. I do apologize to you Brandye, for being vague with details...normally I do not feel over my head but yesterday was an exceptionally challenging day and I really just needed to talk to my lady but it wasn't possible at the time.

woogydice: as I said, 4 years as aquaintances on a forum...there was not much we knew about eachother until last Fall she found some things about me that she really liked, but, I was going through a lot, my cousin had committed suicide, as a result my mother got real sick, dyspnea, had to rush her to the ER 3 times, she stayed in there. The doctors diagnosed her with COPD, put her on all sorts of inhalers, nebulizer, prednisone, all this stuff to keep her going but all terrible side effects. Anyway, all she is on now is Spiriva which is what I told her doctor to give her in the first place, but does anybody listen to little ol me, nope. But she's on it now so...anyway, so all that stuff happened, then spring comes and things are starting to calm down, my lady friend finds me on facebook and starts to message me. More and more it got personal and as I realized she liked me, I realized hey I like her too.

So the only thing holding me back right now is that we're 1400 miles apart. I live in Minnesota, she in New York. But the time will come, hopefully soon within the next month or two, for us to meet. Wish us luck please...as much as we have going against us there's nothing I ever wanted more in my life than to be with this lady.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OMG!
You say you're mature etc. etc. etc. and yet - you're seeking a replacement for your mother?

You miss the power and the Service of being a caretaker and perhaps get a kick out of sex with invalids. Kinky but not entirely unknown. This is the BEST interpretation I can put onto this "relationship" of yours.

and then you say something so incredibly silly like "meant to be". Guy NOTHING is meant to be. You either go out and get it or you don't. Since it has been 4 years and neither of you has budged, I'm guessing this relationship is a "non-starter".

There's nothing you can say to counter the "cradle-robbing" and you might as well face the fact that a man of her own age would already know what to say to her to help her and would not have to ask us.

You will do as you want but my suggestion would be to step away from the computer and get yourself out into the real world and go find as many real women to date simultaneously as you have time for.