No Kissing,foreplay, Just sex?

[sgss]

Hello. I have never posted in here. And have been looking around trying to see if my issue has been addressed. I did a search but was not really sure on what to search for for this, so forgive me if this has been in some way addressed and I mistakenly did not find it.

I guess that I am going out on a limb here, its the net no one knows who I am so I guess spilling my beans doesn't really mean anything on here.

I'm 21 years old, and have been sexually active since I was a teenager. When I was a child, actually all the way until I moved out of my house when I was 17 I was sexually abused. Until I was about 15 the idea of sex literally made me flip. Then I got rebellious and started to have sex just to prove that what he did to me had no power over me. I was a bit reckless and didnt have sex inside of a relationship, and did not have sex unless I was hammered. ( meaning intoxicated in some way shap or form)I didnt enjoy sex. But just ended up continuing it cause there was some mechinism in my mind that if that is what was wanted of me then I should give it.

Im sure at this point it sounds like I need a shrink and not advise on some sex site however, I am just trying to give some background. Sorry that this is probably going to be a bit lengthy.

So I continued to just have sex with random guys. I did not have sex with every guy that I knew. But like once a year I would get so intoxicated and end up having sex with someone. Never orgasmed when having sex. This is my problem. Not the not orgasming. But I never have liked to make out. I never have liked soft and gentle. I never have liked to kiss. It makes me uncomfortable .... I do not know why. My mentality has been just get to the point. I am wondering if that some how stems from the sexual abuse. Yet you would think that I would desire forplay and making out, because it would have been so much different from the abuse. But I don't. I don't like to take control during sex. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why.

Up until this year it really hasnt been a problem that I do not like to kiss and make out and stuff of that nature. But I am now in a relationship with someone. He doesnt know about my past I generally leave that out of the equation because then he would feel awkward about taking control, and thinking that he was some how doing something wrong because of what I have been through. Id like to think that I have grown beyond the pain of my past and done my best to move on from the hurts of my child hood. However, why do I desire so strongly for the male to be dominate, and I do not at all want to kiss and have alot of foreplay.

I want to want to. But the whole idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I am in a relationship now, and he thinks its just a bit odd that I wont kiss him, cause I say its too personal yet, we will have sex and that is ok? I know this is probably confusing. Kissing does nothing for me. Is it related to my past? Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before, or possibly know how I can overcome these things.

I am sorry that this was so long. If anyone has any advice please share.

[Brandye]

Yours is not an unusual situation in women who were abused over some length of time. They "learned" that sex was sex and there was really nothing that came before or after - except pain, both emotional and physical. They never have a chance to learn the romantic side of things. Regrettably this PROVES that what he did to you has control over your sex life, indeed with all male relational issues.

At this point, you do need some help in getting over this. The lessons learned in that horrible abuse are etched quite deeply in your psyche. Find a woman therapist to deal with the psychological/emotional burden that you carry. You can deal with sexuality and intimacy as you become ready.

About one woman in five has been sexually abused. Whatever the number who had this experience in the home for years, it is much too high. Please get help.

[sgss]

Thank you for your advice Brandye. Its nice to know that I am not so odd and that other women in my situation could feel the same. Although i do not wish it on anyone. I guess its just nice to know you are not alone.

I also do guess that you are right and what my abuser did to me did in turn have a huge affect on my sex life. It went from sex being repulsing and panicky to just having sex for the hell of it. But that is really all it is. Sex. Is sex and I have really no emotion involved in it. I feel I have come a long way from where i was but maybe I do need a little help to move on really and address my sexuality and itmacy...or the lack there of.


If anyone else has been through this feel free to comment if you something worked for you