Low sexdrive or something else?

[Sexless Loser]

I am having some rather big issues when it comes to sexual contact with my boyfriend and I was wondering if it is Low Sexdrive or something else.

When he fingers or humps me, it hurts... A lot. I desire the contact but I get no pleasure out of it. We haven't had sex yet, because I'm afraid I won't get anything(pleasure wise). I also don't get turned on when I touch him, am I even supposed to?

I'm not really experienced, so any tips/advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by Sexless Loser

I am having some rather big issues when it comes to sexual contact with my boyfriend and I was wondering if it is Low Sex drive or something else.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

When he fingers or humps me, it hurts... A lot.

Are you saying that when he attempts to insert a finger into your vagina that it hurts? When you refer to "humping" do you mean he is attempting to insert his penis?

If so, there are two likely reasons why; first, is that your hymen is intact; second, that if he is getting past that, that your vaginal opening is still quite small and stretching it hurts. There may be another reason but until these two are ruled out, I wouldn't go for number three.

I desire the contact but I get no pleasure out of it. We haven't had sex yet, because I'm afraid I won't get anything(pleasure wise). I also don't get turned on when I touch him, am I even supposed to?

But of course you are supposed to get turned on! Making love is the external expression of the love two people have for one another. Making babies is only a small part of the act. If you do not become turned on from his closeness and touch, then you may not be physically and emotionally attracted to him. If this is it, then what's the point of trying to work up a sweat?

Now, if you are not attracted to the person and/or your love making techniques are poor, both may very well be why things are not working the way you would wish. Whether these are the case or not, I recommend that the two of you read the Index found at the top of the main screen. There are several informative and how-to articles listed in it that you both should read.

I'm not really experienced, so any tips/advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Please answer the questions so that we can be of more help; also, after reading the many articles mentioned, please feel free to ask questions. We're here to help and to pay it forward. You may feel somewhat at a loss or even in adequate with what little you know, yet each one of us was there at one time or another. Speaking of sweat, don't sweat it, just learn, understand, and continue to ask questions.

I'd also like to suggest that you change your screen name to something more upbeat and positive. Doing this, doing some reading, will do much to empower you and make you feel better.

[Sexless Loser]

As for fingering, it doesn't hurt when he inserts his finger. It's when he starts to move his finger... The pain is when his finger rubs the upper area.

And when we hump it is with our clothes on, I haven't let him get any closer than that, not until I understand what's 'wrong' with me.

I am emotionally & physically attracted to him. We actually dated 4 years ago and we did sexual things then. I was turned on then. But in the 4 years we weren't together I wasn't with anyone and didn't do anything sexual. (I don't touch myself either).

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Sexless Loser

As for fingering, it doesn't hurt when he inserts his finger. It's when he starts to move his finger... The pain is when his finger rubs the upper area.

And when we hump it is with our clothes on, I haven't let him get any closer than that, not until I understand what's 'wrong' with me.

I am emotionally & physically attracted to him. We actually dated 4 years ago and we did sexual things then. I was turned on then. But in the 4 years we weren't together I wasn't with anyone and didn't do anything sexual. (I don't touch myself either).

Have you spoke with your Gyn about this? Have you had a recent exam? Perhaps he is touching areas which are not sensitive to you? As far a what is wrong? I would ask what is happening which is not correct? Good beginning place is with a good gyn exam and perhaps having him changing some of his sexual routines; he may believe he is doing what feels good.

If you are not figuring out on your own your sensual zones; it's difficult to expect your partner to do that for you. It becomes blind guess work on his behalf. Talk to him.

[dancingdoc2]

I'm going to let Sera300 or Brandye our resident M.D. jump in on this next.

As for not touching yourself, how old are you? Brandye has stated more than once about the advantage for learning to masturbate sooner than later. Until she joins us, please keep this in mind: We do not give orgasms away; each of us is responsible for our own. All any of us can help to do is to help our partner achieve his/her own. If you have not yet masturbated and able to do it regularly and consistently, then you owe it to yourself to learn how.

[Sexless Loser]

I have talked to my Boyfriend about this problem. He knows it hurts me. And I haven't gone to a Gyn yet. I wanted some sort of idea of what's going on, or know exactly what I should talk to the Gyn about. So I came here for advice.

I can't find my sensual zone because I can't touch myself. I mean I CAN'T. I've tried and I just make myself sick. I actually cry. I can't explain it, but I don't enjoy touching myself and I feel so disgusted to even try. (I'm 20 years old btw)

[Ducy]

Ima try to go out on a limb here....did you have any events happen in your life back in the past? Like abuse? My current girlfriend was and she will touch herself but sometimes it makes her sick or she wonders WTF?!?! (like why is she doing this) It took a bit of counseling for her to get past it (not like doctor but just talking with people close...i.e. me and her best friend) and she actually loves to now.


Dry humping can hurt...I mean as a male it hurts my penis if it gets too rough....I can only imagine what it would be like for a female with a clitoris (considering all the nerves in a penis, but in a pea sized area)


Oh and it does also sound that perhaps there are some issues sorrounding your relationship since 4 years ago he got you turned on and you liked it...and now you dont...

[sera300]

At 20 you should have seen a GYN for a routine exam. Call & make an appointment for a FULL History & Physical---seek a female Gyn doc, Physicians Assistant, or Nurse Practitioner---whichever will have the first opening.

While there, they should ask you if you have any questions/concerns. If not, bring up the exact example you pointed out here for us. See where you get this avenue.

Ask for their advice or opinions as to what is happening to you and why.

[Sexless Loser]

Yes, I had a difficult life. I won't get into details, but I can't think of an exact thing that happened in my past that would be causing these problems. Tho, I guess I could talk about them to my boyfriend or someone and see if that helps.

Thanks for the tip.

[Ducy]

Well I just know that usually something traumatic can affect sex...hell I got cheated on by my first girlfriend (and we were close to sex) and it basically made me afraid to fool around because it seemed that once we started getting intimate all our problems started...which is probably why I didnt enjoy it at first....