helplessly hoping and somewhere in between

[nessers]

I'm new to this site, and since I've no one to speak to in great detail I thought it an appropriate place to start.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now, we're engaged (no official date set), we own 2 homes together one we live in the other we rent out. We've been through alot within those 6 years and the major reason we haven't married is money, he wants to throw me a beautiful wedding and well, owning 2 homes in our mid twenties has been tough. I frankly just love him and don't care about a huge wedding. I guess it's a guy thing.

Ok so the back story is done- About 3 years ago we started having a lot of communication issues, and absolutely no sex. Maybe once every 3-4 months, I need it alot more than that, and in the first 3 years of our relationship we had sex once a week if not more. It seemed he was always stressed or tired, something. This affected his health to the point where he had chest pains, passed out etc. He went to see a doctor went on a medication for a while. I understood at that point we were both stressed and that was affecting our sex life, so I supressed a lot of my desires and became silent, just didn't bring it up. Now, living together we share a computer and I found alot of porn sites in the History. Some of them just straight, run of the mill porn, but others the majority was "shemale" pics/videos etc.

I immediately started snooping, looked at different things, saw he was searching for transgendered/transvestites in our local area, etc. It literally made me vomit, I was so nauseaus and beyond hurt. I confronted him a few days later- he said it was a simple curiousity, he was incredibly embarassed. I worked through my hurt but we never really "spoke" about what happened. Needless to say life happened and we just ignored our problems. He stays up late at night on the computer, I go to bed early and masturbate.

Now, fast forward 3 years to the present. I found the same thing the day before my swinging 26th birthday party. I didn't mention anything that morning, but he knew something was up. Turns out he paid for a few memberships at some "shemale" websites at a time we had nothing in our bank account we were busting our asses trying to fix up our rental property.

Another huge fight, I was ready to leave, it became clear this wasn't a "curiousity" but a fetish he's been hiding from me. I was ready to walk, even looked for cheap plane tickets to go back to California and stay with my parents.

He lied about the extent of his "internet" use to me when I confronted him and I currently have no idea if this is simply a fetish or if it is something he would act on. I feel like our whole relationship is in jeopardy because he won't come clean about it, and I feel like despite what he says to reassure me- his consistent lying makes me doubt it all.

I have all these questions and concerns like- Will we get married and 5 years down the road will he "discover" he likes something other than a heterosexual woman? I feel like hiding porn (I know its a guy thing) is a mental and emotional cheat, but paying for it when we are so broke is the real kicker. Christ, I cut all my personal spending even on haircuts, and non essentials for months. I've tried asking him what the turn on is about the transgendered world and he is so embarassed he clams up and says "I don't know" And maybe he doesn't, I wish he would just say something else I don't want to hear "I don't know" anymore.

I don't want to ignore this issue again, and I'm willing to share in this fetish, but I get the distinct feeling he doesn't want me to. I'll watch some movies, whatever, but I want him to do it with me not behind my back so we can at least share it. If it is truly a fetish then I can get used to it (I think) from what I've read this seems pretty normal for straight guys. Yet, in the back of my mind I wonder if he's in denial about his sexuality. I guess alot of what bothers me about "shemale" porn is that if he really likes that sort of fantasy it's not something I can compete with anatomically.

I'm not sure what to do anymore, what I can say do or not do. Any ideas how I can get over the hurt? Any ideas how to approach the topic without beating a dead horse? Am I a crazy ass prude to feel so hurt and rejected? Please help and say something...I mean anything...just not "I don't know"

[Brandye]

If you can accept a lifetime of his getting his jollies on porn sites of whatever type while you masturbate to relax, then, by all means, marry him.

If you want someone who is more interested in looking at you than a few thousand pixels, move on. An addiction is popularly defined as some bevaviour that is so sought after that it interferes with NORMAL relationships. He is addicted and the object of the addicition is not relevant.

There is, of course, the middle ground: he seeks counselling and overcomes this. Success rates for the long term are very low.

[nessers]

Brandye

Thanks for the response, you were able to articulate what my emotionally overriden mind couldn't formulate. As an update we are "attempting" to work things out. We still haven't been able to really discuss everything, but he did suggest the counseling himself not so much over his fetish but to recconect sexually and most of all emotionally. Somehow I'm not sure if "couple" counseling will be effective, I almost feel like he's turning it on me. I've got my issues, we all do, but I felt it was an unfair statement- like "**** well these are all the things wrong with you"

You had mentioned that the "object of his addiction is not relevant", but I fear that this particular "object" may indicate a change in his sexual orientation

Am I wrong to assume that? I know it is an assumption, but his inability to discuss it is suspect.

[Brandye]

Most transvestites (cross-dressers) are NOT homosexual. Some even enjoy wearing their wives dirty panties and dressing together with their wives. There are those who become so obsessed with crossdressing that they want to be with other cross-dressers. AT this point, there can be a change in their orientation. Sexual obsession or addictions are really difficult to treat as the object (animal, child, transvestite) becomes so representative of their sexuality that the fantasies are stronger than the real thing.

Good luck