Orgasm - Never Too Late

[moderatorII]

(posted by moderator on behalf of Brandye)

In whatever line of work, we have unusual weeks when surprises become normal. In one recent week two women, during their annual gyn exams, disclosed that they had finally reached orgasm. Both were about 40; each had been married nearly 20 years; one had three children and the other, two. A normal question during the exam is about sexual response. For years, they had each given so-so answers but I suspected that neither was in a very sexual marriage.

Sheila’s story is, especially, helps other women keep things in perspective. She married her high school sweetheart two years after graduating. They first had sex a few weeks later – the first time for each of them. She had spaced two children successfully with a diaphragm and the third child was a “contraceptive failure.” She then insisted on having her tubes cut against her husband’s objections. She had told him condoms, plus the diaphragm, would be required because she wanted no more children. He acceded.

Throughout the marriage, sex was every Saturday night when she was not menstruating. Sunday morning, she removed the diaphragm, douched and went to Church “not smelling like that.” Since tubal ligation and with the kids older, they go to a pub for a pint and a bite, return home, watch television until ten when he washes and they go to bed. She describes sex as his fondling her breasts while she rubs his penis. As soon as it is erect, she spreads, he inserts. After his ejaculation, he thanks her profusely, rolls over and sleeps. She washes up “the mess,” douches and watches old movies on BBC Scotland. Every Saturday night, but only Saturday night. She never has seen semen nor touched it other than in her vagina and on her external genitals.

She had, ten years or so ago, tried to masturbate several times. Each time she got into a good fantasy (so necessary for masturbation), the reality of her experience blotted out the fantasy and whatever arousal disappeared. After attempts over several months, she gave up.

A few months ago she went to Glasgow on an annual shopping trip and to visit her divorced sister. There was a singles’ function at Church and she accompanied her sister. With a few unaccustomed glasses of wine, they brought home two men for whom the sister vouched. Because Sheila had an early train to catch, they seemed to have wasted no time. ”Thank god I had bought a new bra and knickers!”, they paired up and went to separate bedrooms. He caressed her a while, she relaxed a bit and he went down on her. She had read about it, fantasized about it but had never had it done. He must have been good at it and she visualized a few racy movies in which the female leads were in her position. She found herself rising to him and let loose as he probed her anus gently. She described all this as a wonderful awakening.

She appreciatively watched him roll on a condom (“I did not have my douche bulb”) and got the giggles as her sister “became a bit rowdy” in the next room. For the first time in memory, she welcomed the penetration, the slow thrusting and, for a moment, wished the condom were not there. “I am supposed to get that.” She was saddened when he raised out of her but then wanted to run tell her sister all about it. She was clearly still engaged and Shelia’s partner went to remove the condom and she heard him pee and wash off.

When he returned there was some additional breast play and he asked her to suck on him a bit. She had never had a penis in her mouth, was hesitant and asked him not to come. When he warned her, she pulled back and was introduced to semen – in her ear and hair. She found that “disgusting – but cute.”

The two sisters apparently sat up all night talking and Sheila brought home an “extra” vibrator which she had learned to use. Her questions of me were really how to get her husband involved because she was interested in more of this newly discovered action. I recommended that when he gets hard next Saturday, open his pyjamas and go down on him and gave her a few pointers for fellatio and her comfort. If that does not shock him out of his torpour, nothing will – and then they can talk.

Most of Sheila’s reaction to orgasm is that found in younger women. I would have said that she was beyond discovery and I still doubt the marriage can survive. Her husband may be more receptive than I think but we shall see.

[Chocolategirl]

So there is still hope for me at 35 married 15 yrs and 2 kids

[Brandye]

Hope, yes, but statistically low odds. Soemthing needs major changes to get there.

[Chocolategirl]

I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow and my yearly with my gyn friday. Yesterday we had sex again he lasts a whole 1 minute if that. I had him read a bunch of the stuff i have printed off of this site and of course now he will need to analize it all.. about 25 minutes later i tried to get him to get it on with me in the shower and i swear its like he cant get it up again. I know I sound like a selfish horny bitch, i have never been like this but its like sex is all i think about these days. guess its my age(35) I dont think he has a real "horny" thought in his mind. I told him he needs to go watch a porno or something. He is just clueless when it comes to sex and stuff. HELP I have tried to talk nicely and now i am losing patience.

[Brandye]

I am assuming your ages are about the same. Perhaps he should also get a complete physical. Or at leaste a urologic exam to include a testerone test. Low testosterone could be one physical reason for a low sex drive.

Then get a good book. The Joy of Sex has been reissued and I have found nothing better that covers the entire field of what two people can do together. And get a good vibrator and start to figure out what really rings your chimes. In the case of Sheila that I describe, I am not certain she was entirely honest in some details and I suspect she had gotten fed up to the point of asking her sister to line someone up for her. An outside male relationship should be your line of last resort unless you are ready for divorce. I fully expect that Sheila will end up divorced with sex being the primary cause.

The other woman I mentioned having her first orgasm in her late thirties took a different approach. At my urging she discussed the situation with a close friend also in a sexless marriage. The two of them ended having sex and she seems to be settled in that with no hopes of getting with another man. Different strokes and I am in no position to judge. Nor am I in a position to make specific recommendations to you. I ampersonally convinced that masturbation is where it starts even though Sheila had given up on that.

You really cannot expect a man approaching forty to be ready again in 25 minutes. Some recover that quickly but far from all. On the other hand, a little oral or whatever other stimulation you may have wanted would have been appropriate. Sounds like he needs to sort some things out for himself. We women wonder our men stray but our straying is surprisingly often caused by boring sex lives. Only you can decide when an outside partner needs to be involved and that is a great risk.

[Chocolategirl]

I will see if he will go see a doctor, when i mentioned it yesterday he didnt think he had a problem at all. He is almost 37. I hope he will try something. I live in a VERY religious state and so this topic is not discussed alot. at least not in the open.

[shiminex]

I'm 21 and have never orgasmed. My husband (we just got married!) and I started having sex a little more than a year and a half ago, he goes down on me and really tries to give me an orgasm but I have still never had one. I don't have one during intercorse either. And when I try to masturbate, I still can't get myself to orgasm, I have no idea what I'm doing wrong and what's wrong with me. Everyone talks about how great an orgasm is and my husband orgasms everytime we have sex. I don't want to be like those 35-40 year old women who still haven't orgamsed, what can I do???

[Brandye]

Get two books: Our Bodies Our Selves and the Joy of Sex

The first will give you a better understanding of how your body works. The second gives more ideas about sex play, alone or with another, than any other basic book out there. Your third investment may be a good vibrator. Forget the toy battery powered ones; get a good one.

Learning to masturbate is probably the biggest step a woman can take towards sexual satisfaction. Until we have that first orgasm, we really do not know what we are going towards. After the first, you know where you are going and begin to understand what is needed. Although I had played with myself from the time I had my first period, it was a year later that I reached orgasm - and that was an accident. Happy one, but accident.

[michelle2004]

gotta LOVE those happy accidents!

[SharpestThing]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Learning to masturbate is probably the biggest step a woman can take towards sexual satisfaction. Until we have that first orgasm, we really do not know what we are going towards. After the first, you know where you are going and begin to understand what is needed. Although I had played with myself from the time I had my first period, it was a year later that I reached orgasm - and that was an accident. Happy one, but accident.

I completely agree. I never had an orgasm with a partner until i knew on my own what i liked, which i learned by masturbating, it's hard to expect someone to do it for you if you yourself don't know how to.

You should get to know yourself, what you like and what you don't. that should help a lot in guiding your partner and having orgasms together !