Lymphoma/life/love/strength/positivity/confidence/gratefulness

[VanellaSchnella]

To all users,

Thursday November 12th I was diagnosed with Burkitts Lymphoma. This has really brought a lot into perspective for me. I used to worry about things like the size of my dick.. and at times I used to get down about the size of my dick and it is average. I now know how trivial that is.. and I should be thankful to even have a working penis. I am now thankful for every little thing in my life and I wish I thought of all these things before. I also believe that sex had become too important to me.. it was always on my mind.. thinking of ways to improve sex with my girlfriend and just thinking about sex at inappropriate times. Im really learning I have to love everything about myself and be confident with who I am. I am so thankful to be who I am and also to have the people in my life that I love and who love me. I have so many people always giving me positive words and just love and support. The person who has helped the most is my girlfriend. Shes the first girl I've ever fallen in love with, shes the first girl I've done more that make out with, and I lost my virginity to her. I have always loved her sense of humor and her passion in certain things like human health and even harry potter. I also loved the sex in our relationship.. it was mindblowing for both of us.. thanks a lot to this site and its members. We go to separate colleges about an hour apart and dont have cars at school with us but we have found a lot of ways to see each other about every other weekend.. but right now Ive seen her the past 3 weekends including this one. We always had a lot of sex and also spent a good deal of time talking about it. I look back now and I wish we spent more time just doing other fun things and just talking for hours just about anything. I mean we always talked about stuff other than sex.. everyday but never just long conversations about random stuff.. other than a few occasions. Now we're finding the time to do this which I'm glad.. tonight we watched a movie on my basement couch at home(we live in the same city while not at school) for the first time without hooking up.. unless you count kissing.. and after we just talked for a long time and snuggled. I loved it.. part of it was serious about how she was coping with this and how I was.. she was very scarred and nervous until friday night and today when she saw how confident I am and how happy Ive been. Im finding the positives in every little thing now and Ive been smiling a lot.. so back to the couch.. we also just talked about funny things and her school work and shared some stories and thoughts. Ive had a swollen lymphnode in my neck for about 2 months and I went to the pediatrician(sp?) and they said come back in a week if its not gone.. so i did and they checked for other lympnodes and asked about any illness that may have caused it etc. and I had no illnesses. So they prescribed me antibiotics for 10 days which didnt reduce the swelling so I went back and they said come back in 3 weeks if its not gone were gonna refer you to a surgeon to biopsy it. So this whole time I hadnt been showing any other signs of lymphoma or other possible cancers. But I was still nervous and thought there was a good chance I did have it so when my parents got back from greece october 20something we scheduled the presurgery meeting and check up with the surgeon on oct 30th. We also did blood work chest x rays ultra sound of the lymphnode and a tb test that day. All the blood work and the x ray came back normal and the tb was negative 3 days later when checked. Well two days later another much smaller swollen lymph node appeared about 3/4ths an inch below the bigger one.. this was actually the day before the tb site got read. So the next day the tb was read negative and we scheduled the biopsy for novemeber 5th and the biopsy went well and they kept saying it wasnt looking like cancer and i was still not showing other symptoms. Two days after the biopsy I went to a dance with my girlfriend for her sorority despite a lot of swelling(normal post biopsy) that I was self conscious about.. now Im so happy I went to the dance for so many reasons. So tuesday we got a call saying still no signs of cancer but there was a bacterial infection so they had to look at the pathology more thoroughly to check how to treat it. At this point I was pretty sure I was good... and then thursday afternoon my dad called and said him and my mom were coming to get me from school right away and Id be going to the ER back home. I knew so I got a lot of my friends together to help me pack and just to be with them. So I guess while looking closer they found the cancer.. I was a little angry schocked upset scarred. My girlfriend was supposed to be coming up friday night for a dance with my Barbecue club. We were so excited.. but I now had to call her and tell her I couldnt come because I had cancer. That was one of the hardest things for me to do.. Ive been on her end of the same phone call except for a a really good friend rather than a girlfriend.. hearing her crying was so difficult but I realized I had to be strong for her so she could be strong for me.. so I told her we were gonna make it through this no matter what and she told me shed be there for me every step of the way and we told each other how much we loved each other. The whole time my lymph was swollen.. sometimes id get anxiety about it being cancer since my good friend just passed away from hodgkins lymphoma this pst february. Id talk to my girlfriend and she always assured me and herself it wasnt cancer and she said if it was shed always be there for me. So this whole time shes been wonderful and supportive and I am amazed at her love and care and support for me and I used to wonder if she ever wished I had a bigger penis.. now I see that I fell in love with an absolutely amazing girl who has kept me smiling and given me words of strength and helped me stay positive... and also just keeping me company and cracking jokes with me.. and she brought pictures from the dance that was just last saturday.. and also she had a picture of Nala and Simba from the Lion King wrestling as cubs because she and I both love that movie and she sometimes would call me Simba. I was so lovely to look at those pictures with her. Her mom also gave her a card and some food to give to me.. the card was great for many reasons. Her mom and dad have always been so nice to me with cooking me dinner or taking me out to dinner with them whenever i was over. I like their personalities and can see how they made such a wonderful girl.. and she says they love me too for my manners and how nice I am and my willingness to talk to them and such. My girlfriend is just so amazing and I love her so much and she clearly loves me so much that when I think about I cry tears of joy and realize how lucky I really am. I have been very positive these past two days and Ive been through all sorts of scans and x rays and blood test. So friday night.. the 13th
the doctor came in and said that the cancer appears to only be in my neck which is obviously good news.. it appears to be early which is always good news with cancer. So today/Saturday I got a port surgically put into my chest.. its where they inject the needle to put in my chemo medicines.. also while under anesthesia they drew spinal fluid and bone marrow just to make sure that the cancer isnt in my brain/spine or my bone marrow.. which theyre expecting it not to be there. Ill find out later this week. But I woke up in time to get back to my room and watch my Ohio State Buckeyes clinch a spot in the Rose Bowl against the Iowa Hawkeyes. My girlfriend and dad were there watching the game with me. So seeing my team win was great and I was excited. So I got to go home tonight and Ill be here for 5 or 6 days before I go back to start my treatment. Monday I go put my sperm in a sperm bank because the chemo has a good shot of making me at least temporarily infertile and likely permanently infertile.. and I have always planned on being a father.

Basically I hope everyone here can see that its very important to be thankful for everything they can find a reason to be thankful for and find something positive even in what looks to be something so negative. Keep your priorities straight and remember to love yourself and remember everyone that loves you. Im going to work hard everyday to keep this positive attitude and not worry and become scarred and depressed. Its gonna take strength and positivity to get through this and I know I will get through it. Another thing that helps is my belief and trust in God.. I know many people dont believe in God or Allah but I have always had a belief in God but this past year a lot of things have happened that make me positive there is a God.

Finally I wont be on this website for quite awhile. Good luck to everyone on the site.

[Brandye]

Thank you, vanella, for a touching and accurate description of a complex and, at least initially, devastating diagnosis. The good news is that in the moderate risk category, you have a very good chance of recovery. But, it will not be fun. Your sharing is wonderful.

Hang in there, be strong and we look forward to your early return.

[VanellaSchnella]

Just an fyi I became "in remission" after my last round of chemo which ended February 24th