boyfriend has no desire

[beyondfrustrated]

My boyfriend does not have the desire for sex. This is basically all related to him being recently unemployed. He says he doesn't feel like much of a man knowing he can't take care of me financially. There was a 4 month hiatus, and now it's been about once a month, but only happens when he's been drinking. I get really frustrated with him when I try and initiate things to no avail and I know it's making him feel terrible and I don't wanna do that. I know it really isn't his fault but he doesn't seem to understand the effect it's having on me. We're all in a financial hell at this point, I get that. My question is, is there anything I can do or say that might make him realize what a toll it's taking on our relationship? I have tried talking to him about this but he either changes the subject or says things will eventually get better. That isn't pacifying me at all knowing it's gone on this long. I'm trying not to be selfish about this but it's getting more difficult day by day and my attitude and moods are hellish.

[dancingdoc2]

In my never to be so humble opinion, there is more going on with him than he is admitting to.

How long have the two of you been dating? What has your history with him been like?

It takes quite a lot for a guy to loose his sex drive and have no desire to provide comfort and aid to his partner. Is he terribly moody and self absorbed? Does he interact with you in other ways in order to keep the relationship going, or, has he pretty much distanced himself from any involvement?

Is he masturbating? Does he want you to please him at all? If he is masturbating then I'd at least please him in order to help improve his mood and overall outlook on his situation. Once you are heating him up, you might try placing his hand here you want it and see if he reciprocates at all. If he does not, then I suggest he pay a visit to a counselor. If he does begin reciprocating, do not finish him off until he takes care of your needs, first. If you must, leave him highly aroused and dangling---at least for several minutes. Explain to him that this is how he makes you feel when he refuses to touch and interact with you. Then, go ahead and eventually let him climax.

Overall, it seems to me like he is so focused on his problems he has no ability to keep the rest of his life (with you) on track. This indicates that counseling is what he needs to do.

Keep him away from alcohol. No drinking. This will only make your situation worse.

Lastly, his job should be finding a job. He should be working eight hours a day searching and interviewing. Yes, I know the job market is bleak, but there are jobs out there. He may have to bite the proverbial bullet and take a job that does not interest him, as his obligation is to earn money, not hold out and wait for the ideal job to come along. So, encourage him to flip burgers, or dig ditches or whatever, temporarily, in order to provide and gain his self esteem and self worth back.

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative and some how-to articles.

I hope this is of help. Please feel free to continue the discussion.

Your friend also appears to be immature. He needs to understand the need to man-up and take charge, not wallow in self pity. If he is to be a responsible head of household or relationship, then he needs to take care of business and lead. If he does not know how to take care of one or more aspects of daily life, then he should be learning and asking for help.

[beyondfrustrated]

We've been dating about 9 months. Problem is, we've never really established much of a sex life to begin with. Two months into the relationship was great. Sex anytime, anywhere. That's when he lost his job the first time, hence my mentioning the 4 month hiatus. He then got a new job in January and quickly lost it mid-February due to a lay-off. So began no sex once again. And all you said in your reply was dead on. He very much would just rather wallow in self pity and very focused on his own problems. Now as far as masturbating goes, I doubt it but I'm not 100%. I did on the other hand see on his computer a few weeks ago that he had been visiting a porn site. I asked him about it and his response was that I too watch them on occasion so what's the big deal? I said how can you watch other people have sex but cannot do it yourself? Silence....so he's not understanding that my self esteem has gone out the window. I no longer feel attractive or desirable, and I feel very unwanted. But you bet your ass he has no problems asking me to cook for him 345385279 times a day or doing this or that. I have encouraged him to get any job that he can get. Something better will come later and he promises he will, but I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. I can't seem to keep that fire lit under him and I would try and heat him up but now that I've been through the rejection multiple times, I'm not emotionally ready for another let down, let alone feeling like a fool.

[dancingdoc2]

Thank you for the reply.

It is interesting that he can watch adult videos yet not get into it himself with a real live star and do whatever his imagination dreams up. You might pose the question that way.

It is not unusual for a few fellas to woo and wow a girl, work hard at dating her until he gets her to bed, then talks her into living with him, and then once he has done this consider the job done with no more effort required on his part. He is then off to new conquests, fiddling with the car or truck, etc., while leaving the girl or mother of his child(ren) home to fend for herself while he is out playing with his pals. WRONG.

He must know and understand that a relationship is a partnership. Life together is handled by both the man and the woman and is comprised of two autonomous adults who come together in order to have a life that is greater than the sum of its two parts. The same holds true for the romance and sexual department. Sex is not what we do to each other; it is what we do with and for each other.

Your boyfriend must understand that living with you requires his contribution. Money is not the extent of it. His contribution is to take out the trash, set the table, dust, vacuum, do laundry, wash windows, make the bed, change the bed, tidy up, cook, wash the dishes or fill/empty the dishwasher, go grocery shopping--whatever. Whether he does all of this, part, or does what he sees needs to be taken care of. You do the same. If you work outside the home, then he should be taking care of most of the chores. If both of you work outside the home, then the two of you share the chores.

If you are a stay at home mom, then it is acknowledged that you are working the equivalent of two full time jobs. There is absolutely no excuse for him to come home after work, say he is tired, and tune out or go out. Give him his thirty minutes if need be to get into home mode and then expect, nay demand that he carry his weight.

If he is unable or unwilling to pick up the slack, do his part and more, then pack your bags and move. You don't need to be his maid and cook and housekeeper when you are not his lover, first. Kiss him on the cheek, print the contents of this thread and hand him the papers as you walk out the door, bags in tow. Give him time to grow and mature and learn to take responsibility. If you cut off his source of income, he will have to, anyway, so better he take charge and do some of these things while you are there, rather than after you have left.

If you choose to leave--leave. Do not vascillate around. Do not return unless and until you see dramatic improvements in how he lives his life alone and he has a successful track record of at least half a year or more.

Please go to the Index and read this article:


I think we are ready to live together!!
We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

IF he shows an interest in helping out around the home, take the lad under your wings and teach him how to be self sufficient by giving him some home economics lessons in how to do grocery shopping, and how to cook and prepare meals, and how to separate cloths and do the laundry, etc. He may never have been taught. He may know how to do one or more of these things like vacuuming yet not know how to organize the chores and put them together so that they get done during the week.

Speaking of which, I had an older cousin who would tell me every time I telephoned that she was cleaning house. How, I thought, can she and her husband dirty a three bedroom one bath house so much. Years later she told me her secret: she vacuumed and dusted one room a day during the week until the entire house had been cleaned! This worked well for her because she only needed to spend a few minutes out of her day instead of working on all the rooms on one particular day. She did not become tired or bored and had most of her days free.

When she cooked, she cooked for four or six and placed the left overs in the freezer for another day. She only cooked meals three or four days a week, much of which were easy meals to prepare.

Now, if he doesn't show any interest, then prepare yourself for the move. You can stop cooking and cleaning a few days before you move out. If he isn't going to uphold his end of the bargain, no reason you should continue to.

I'm willing to work with you and ultimately him if you see any value in this. The choice is his. Explain it like it is or must become and watch his reaction.

[Brandye]

Make a list of all the reasons to continue this relationship. Then a list of why to move on.

Make a decision. Hint: If the attraction and novelty died after two months .........

[beyondfrustrated]

Thank you very much for your reply and advice. Brandye, if it wasn't for the fact that he is very loving (now put aside not doing anything household wise lol) and attentive in other ways then I would certainly agree with your hint. The act of sex itself is the only thing missing here. He will still do things like playfully grab a hold of me in passing one another, kiss me like it's the first time, etc. compliments me on occasion, not too much but not too little either. That's what keeps me going, and fact is, we aren't living together yet like you may have assumed. He recently asked me to though and I had all intentions of doing it, but I think I do need to make a bigger impact with my words and questions regarding the entire situation before I do anything. And now as I'm typing this, he calls and says he has a job interview next week...and coincidentally, made a few sexual comments before hanging up. So we will see tomorrow when we spend the weekend together. If all else fails, I guess I can learn to live dominatrix-style and demand he do it Thanks again you 2

[dancingdoc2]

> The act of sex itself is the only thing missing here.

I don't believe so.

> He will still do things like playfully grab a hold of me in passing one another, kiss me like it's the first time, etc. compliments me on occasion, not too much but not too little either. That's what keeps me going,

I also believe you are settling for what you have favoring this over the unknown. I still believe you do not know what you are missing and would rather hold on to something rather than going out and getting so much more from someone else.

> we aren't living together yet like you may have assumed. He recently asked me to though and I had all intentions of doing it, but I think I do need to make a bigger impact with my words and questions regarding the entire situation before I do anything.

OH, YES! You also need to read the article on moving in that is linked, above. You are the reason I spent time writing it.

> I guess I can learn to live dominatrix-style and demand he do it

This would be rape.

In being a Dom, there has to be interest and desire on his part, and until there is.........

I recommend doing some work on yourself because you should never have to settle.

-doc

[beyondfrustrated]

Let me clear up the Dom comment..that was meant to humor myself really, cause believe me, if I knew it would turn him on and be a more than willing participant, I would have already done it. But all jokes aside, you have definitely given me a lot to think about. I did read your article about moving in and it gave me quite a bit of insight. I also agree that maybe I am settling, so my mind will be doing some overtime to try and figure this out and come to terms with it all. I thank you so much again for everything, it's nice to have an outside source give you the cold hard truth and things you may not want to hear but know you should listen to.