I wasn't really sure where to put this. My girlfriend and I have been together almost 5 years but I don't really feel like our sex life has advanced in a large way. Generally, I do feel like we are both very much beginners not moving forward.
On to the sexual frustration. She told me rather point blankly that sex is not important to her. But it is very important to me, and I am not getting enough of it. Each time I bring the topic up she exclaims I am trying to change her and that I should just respect that she is not very sexual. When I tell her "ok, but I can't go on like this", she becomes angry that I would leave over something as unimportant as sex. Now my point is that we have arrived at an obsticle. She does not wish to see a sex therapist with or without me. When I ask if she has any ideas on how to solve this problem, she says "I don't know".
Additionally, as a side note, she told me she doesn't like kissing, turns her off. Just doesn't like it in general. I would be lying to say I am not dissapointed.
Lastly, while I appreciate all suggestions finding sexual release from someone on the side is not an option.
I thank you in advance for your advice.
FP
You specify "girlfriend." From that I infer "not wife." If you wander around the various forums you will find your issue is really not that uncommon. And, you are the more typical: man wants sex more than woman. Not absolutely true, but close enough.
The obvious recommendation is to see a marriage and/or sex counselor. She has closed that door. And, seemingly, has closed doors that you did not even know existed such as the kissing. You are at an impasse and if you think it bad after five years imagine at twenty years. I respect that "on the side" is not an option.
Sex is often a symptom rather than the problem itself. And adding other variables such as the kissing and refusal to try to work this out sounds like maybe she is trying to push you out of her life.
Time for an ultimatum. Either she sees a counselor with you or you she will become the side rather than the main course.
I may need to specify about the kissing bit that she exclaims to have never really liked it even before me, if that changes the ideas on its meaning. Oh yes, not wife, but longterm relationship.
Oh yes, and last thing. I know some of you will be wondering. She does have an orgasm when I give her oral, or she claims to and I believe her. I dunno if she could some other way we haven't really tried.
OKAY - time for you to SPECIFICALLY tell her that SEX is IMPORTANT to YOU.
Your desire for sex is just as legit as her desire to be left alone. So, I am going to ask you the tough question:
WHY are you still with her wasting your time like this???
Have you considered the possibility that she might be a lesbian? Or prefer women? It's unfortunately not too rare to hear that a woman is ambivalent about sex, but the disinterest in kissing as well is curious. It sounds like she is not very interested in physical affection. There are asexuals, so it doesn't seem unreasonable to assume there would be even more people that have a milder version...
As for why I am still with her, well I love her and hope we can work through this somehow.
As for her being a lesbian, she seems quite sure that she is not. Once again I believe both that she knows herself well enough to know that and that she isn't lying to me.
She seems quite interested in physical affection. She loves when I play with her hair, touch her face. The asexuality I get, but at the same time she does maturbate from time to time and she kind of has hangups about doing it.
As for milder version... well lets just hope not huh?
Obviously she has 'hang-ups about doing it', the point is that she isn't going to change because she doesn't have to and does not want to. If you can't live like that, then you should find someone more suited to you.
The reason she gets mad when you try to "change her" is FEAR. She gets mad and you back down- so the status quo continues. There is NO "working through this". She is NOT willing to change. She is NOT willing to work with you on this - refuses to seek therapy.
I strongly encourage you to decide if you, as you are, are willing to put up with how she is - right here and right now - for the rest of your life. If you can then quit complaining. If not, the kindest thing you can do for her would be to leave.
Oh but I was very clear that if something could not be worked out I would not beable to continue.
Then get both of you to counseling/therapy.
You could also benefit from reading the sticky "A Year on The Program" above.
Well, if you don't get out of this situation, you will be seeking out sexual satisfaction elsewhere. There are many fish in the sea my friend, and there are certainly women out there who enjoy sex. I suggest leaving this girl because you're just wasting your time. I refuse to be with someone who doesn't have a sexual desire for me. While my wife doesn't want sex nearly as much as I do, she does want sex often and we compromise. But my wife loves my affection. Without that, what point is there to a relationship? Might as well date your dog.
Well it seems that you are committed and you feel pretty strongly that she's committed too except for the fact that she's not taking care of your needs. Little that she knows, sex should be a priority on both parts. Not saying that she has to have sex with you all the time, but she shouldn't deprive you of it either nor should you deprive it from her.
So the question first is do you tend to her needs? Women are more in need of emotional connections rather than physical. So I'm wondering if you are giving her enough affection to make her desire you more. Showing her that would make her feel loved and appreciated. As for men, sex is a way of feeling loved. When she submits and makes love/have sex with you, in a man's eye, it's like she's showing you that she appreciates you and everything that you do for her. So like when she rejects you, it's like a big put down. Self-esteem, confidence, and self respect flies out the window.
So now, you have to think outside the box to make a decision on your relationship. First evaluate your relationship and how you show your affection with your SO. Remembering that she looks for emotional affection. Some of the smallest things can mean the most for her. (i.e. love post-it notes, a single rose, massage or cooking for her with no intention on sex, or even smaller like opening the car door for her, etc....) If things are done, while being sincere the whole time, i can't see why she shouldn't give you what you need. And if that fails, well the next question is "Where do I go from here". At that point, I think you should spend less time with her, go out more and act as if your single. Not saying sleep around but you may find your answer
Actually, I'd recommend that EVERYONE read "A Year on The Program" above because it specifically deals with rekindling the love-life between an unsatisfied husband and a 'no sex please' wife with a few issues.
BTW - he was successful and they are happier than ever now. So they BOTH tell me.
[QUOTE=ravishing;254705]Have you considered the possibility that she might be a lesbian? Or prefer women? [/QUOTE]
I'd like to point out that most lesbians/bisexuals are more sexual, and generally more open (and they allow themselves to think of sex, and have gone as far as questioning themselves and need a specific partner bad enough to escape from sexual norms).
If she says it isn't important to her, I'd say the lesbian chance is 0.01%
"Have you considered the possibility that she might be a lesbian? Or prefer women?"
Actually that statement is terrible. It plays into a "male myth" to wit:
if she doesn't enjoy sex with me, she MUST be a lesbian.
The answer is maybe or maybe not - but what is known is that she doesn't want sex with YOU.
While it does soothe some males' egos, I personally know of a few situations where this has happened. There are women who have been with their husbands for 20 unsatisfying years before they realized they were a lesbian, and began to enjoy sex like never before, so it's not exactly a myth. And it didn't make the husband feel any less heartbroken to not be the problem.
Unfortunately, more men think of this than can be supported by the data, hence the mythical status.
Rather like the single bsiexual female who swings -dontcha know. There's a reason they are called "unicorns".
All of this is pure speculation - what they need to do is to communicate and make decisions. Therapy, with an experienced counselor who' smarter than either/both of them, is their best first step - since they apparently cannot talk to each other.