My girl friend came over tonight so I could cook for her. Anyways we were talking after and the subject turned to sex. She had a long term relationship before me from the age of 17-18 and I wondered why she had never had sex with him. This is the same girl that I said I was not that sexually attracted to, not the same girl I have been sleeping with; we have not slept together yet. It turns out she has Primary Female Orgasmic Disorder, although she did not know it. According to her GYN she has not physiological cause and it does not seem to be psychological because she does not have any major emotional problems and she has a very health view on sex. Now all of a sudden I am very sexually attracted to her. I don’t know why that is; maybe it is somewhat academic interest. I was just wondering what people think, am I crazy?
Sun, 12/07/2008 - 07:54
#1
Sexual Attraction for an Odd Reason
OK, let me get this sorted out. The person you are telling us about is a friend who is a women and a different person than the one you have been sleeping with, correct?
How did her doctor arrive at this diagnosis? Not all women are able to achieve an orgasm and live very happy and satisfying lives in spite of this. How does the doctor determine that this is different?
Is she taking any antidepressants?
> I wondered why she had never had sex with him. This is the same girl that I said I was not that sexually attracted to
There can be several reasons why she never had sex with the other person.
* She was not that sexually attracted to him
* She was not ready to have sex with him
* Morality and religious values to name three
Just because two people are friends, do things together, and even date, does not automatically mean that they are going to sleep together and something is the matter if they do not eventually do this.
> Now all of a sudden I am very sexually attracted to her. I don’t know why that is; maybe it is somewhat academic interest.
Sexual attraction can have its roots in lust, being found attractive or desirable in one or more areas, and, by having an emotional tie with the other person. How do you fit?
> ...am I crazy?
Most likely not. Concerned, yes. Curious, yes. I would not suggest becoming romantically involved with this person, yet, and certainly not without more information about her condition. Whatever is going on with her, you cannot repair it by sleeping with her, especially if she has not emotional bond with you.
"Primary" in the diagnosis indicates whe has NEVER experienced an orgasm. About a quarter of all women are in that category but for a variety of reasons.
This is a difficult issue to treat. Most gyn's, after ruling out physiologic causes, will refer to a competent sex counselor who may request additional tests - mostly dealing with hormones (especially testosterone) and blood chemistry. A very detailed medical/family/sexual history is required.
OK, that is for her. For you, "the forbidden fruit!" Once you discovered that she is unattainable, she becomes more desireable - or a challenge. I am not accusing of a male egoism "Show me the woman and I will teach her to come!!!" It is a reaction similar to setting a dessert on the table first and telling everyone not to touch. Or, it could be an academic interest. I still wonder why I could not make the conquest that was so apparent when I was in med school. And I still encounter her sometimes!
1. She may be attainable! Tell her
2. If she goes no further in trying to resolve the issue, it is a high risk relationship.
You now have opening to continue the conversation. There may be much more to learn simply talking.
Footnote to all: Primary means never having had an orgasm; Secondary, loss of ability.
First in response to doc: I am already dating her, I have two girl friends. The other orgasm very easily with me and the relationship is mostly sex based and both girls know about each other. She said the reason they did not go all the way was because she wanted him to give her an orgasm before they actually did penetration. She is very open to sex and has about the same moral and religious beliefs I do.
After she told me, being the academic that I am, I did a bunch of research. I know that she is not on any anti-depressants or other psychotropic drugs. She is on some strong Histamine Blockers that according to one study I read they could cause complications, but the study was about secondary cases. The things I told her was that she should go see an NP instead of a GP simply because they can spend more time with there patients, to work on it on her own as well though masturbation and that we could also work on it together. Any information about it would be great Brandye.
> The things I told her was that she should go see an NP instead of a GP simply because they can spend more time with there patients, to work on it on her own as well though masturbation and that we could also work on it together.
I do not know how knowledgeable a practitioner might be. Sera300?? Much depends upon her/his specific training. The same can be said for the doctor. Regardless of who she consults, my recommendation is for her to ask these qualifying questions and just not assume that the professional has knowledge in this area.
As you know, she is responsible for her own orgasms. Suggesting that she practice is probably good. As for working on it together, I would hold off until she is able to and learns what is required of her in the way of technique. Once she has connected the proverbial "dots" or nerve endings with the pleasure center in the brain along the autonomic nervous system, AND can show you how to mimic what she has learned to do can you practice together.
The information I can give you is that diagnosed female orgasmic disorder is not treatable over the internet. She needs to work with a certified, trained and competent sex therapist who does this stuff for a living. Few physicians are equipped to deal with this.
I’m not sure she is diagnosed officially; she just told me that she has never had an orgasm either by her self of with her ex-boyfriend. The problem is she is a broke 19 year old college student with religious parents. So I take it there is nothing I can really do.
You are changing the game. If she has been diagnosed with PFOD, she has been thoroughly tested, physically and psychologically, and a trained professional has documented the disorder. If that is the case it takes an equal amount of training and expertise to deal with it. If this is something you decided is the problem from browsing the internet, we are not necessarily dealing with PFOD. If a sixteen yo woman with limited sexual experience has never had an orgasm that is quite different from a 26 yo woman who has been trying everything she can think of. It is unusual to diagnose this in a woman under twenty-five. The oldest woman I know at her first orgasm is 54 yo. Was she suffering from PFOD? Who knows? It is far from uncommon for women not to have orgasms until they have had children. Is there a relationship? Who knows? At 19 I had had orgasms alone and with women but had never experienced one with a man. Should I have been diagnosed with PFOD-M? It certainly was not from lack of trying!
Do not be bandying these diagnoses around unless you know what you are talking about.
Alright, then my question is, what can or should I do, or not do, to help her? It is not like she has not tried.
You began this with the question, "Am I crazy." Now you are seeking help for her. If she told you she suffered from "Primary Female Orgasmic Disorder" move on. If you did the diagnostic labeling, do not tell her.
Why not start all over again with a blank slate and a restated question?
[QUOTE=Mr. Saint;230334]Alright, then my question is, what can or should I do, or not do, to help her? It is not like she has not tried.[/QUOTE]
A little knowledge is a dangerous things. Broadly I'm tending to agree with Brandye with so much information about exotic psychological conditions floating around the internet its easy to see something that isn't really there. You know from the information you've posted I still can't tell whether she's been to a doctor yet.Then theres the old chestnut of relgious parents whatever that means. She's an adult why the fuck would her parents relgious or not want to be involved in her sex life?
Anyway be aware sexual disorders are considered by many to be over diagnosed. If you bring someone to a sex therapist or whatever they call themselves they're going to find a sexual problem or what they define to be a sexual problem. More likely her sex life isn't living up to her expectations and she's looking for answers.
As for your statement that her possible sexual dysfunction makes her more attractive to you, I'm not quite sure how to respond to that.
It might be useful for you however to try and set down in writing all the facts and whether or not you choose to post them here things might make more sense for you
It does sound like a good idea to right down the facts to make it all clear.
She is 19
She has never had an orgasm in her life
She had a boy friend for a year during her freshman year of college and they tried very hard
She has been trying on her own for many years
Her GYN says there is nothing blatantly wrong
She is very open about sex and does not seem to have any negative views on it
Her parents are religious but she desisted they where full of it years ago
She has a high sex drive despite, but wants to have an orgasm a lot.
I am currently dating her and she is coming over for a “sleep over” after finals are done.
Now I am very attracted to her for some reason and want to help her out.
Remember she may have a problem but you do not. The resolution to this issue will not come from anyone other than herself. The only advice to you is to not be pushy or demanding; accept what happens; do not have high expectaions and ask her to guide you in the process. Allow her to use you for learning.