Although at the moment I refuse to give my boyfriend one, why not try a 3some?

That way you can experience sex with another guy but at the same time your husband will still be there. Unless you just want the experience to be about you.

Susan,

You are fortunate to have such an understanding husband. What you feel is very common in people who marry early and have few sex partners before their spouse. Just be sure to go into this with the right attitude. If you do it, it will be fun and exciting but may not be as good as it could be unless you do a little preparation work first.

I'd suggest taking the time to meet someone online who lives in your area. That way you could get to know each other first in a safe and secure manner.

You might even indulge in a little cybersex with a few different guys. That way you'll get to know your partner candidates a bit and you'll discover what they like and expect in bed. And, more importantly, they will get to know what you expect and what they need to do to please you in the best way possible.Sharing your hottest fantasies will also increase the anticipation and make the whole deal that much hotter when you do finally get together.

Susan,

You are typical of those who remain forever with their first love. At some point, nearly all have this question. I have posted here about patients experiencing their first orgasm in their thirties after a few children. It is not often with their husbands. The world talks about the seven year itch. That is real. To try a 3-some is really not a good idea. To annoiunce to your husband, "I am going out for the authorized lay tonight," does not sound like too good an idea, either. What may sound ok may have a different feel for him after he knows you have tried someone else. There is also the peanut syndrome - you cannot stop after only one.

The ideal is for the two of you to get into a sex counselling group together. Not some flaky thing from the classifieds but with a therapist you locate through your doctor or clinic. The next best is for you to get some counselling so that whatever you do, or not do, is with your eyes wide open.

Among my patients are women who have simply given up and sexual automata the rest of their lives, others who had an affair and settled back, others who have had affairs after affair for a long time and others who have found a like-minded women and had a same sex affair. Some of these have "worked" and some have caused family breakups. Only you can find an answer for you and there are people who can assist you in weighing the risks and benefits.

I think I agree with Brandye.............Everything could change...........for the worse after one night of mistaken passion......It's a hard call.

Hi Susan,
You have to ask yourself a few questions before you can really decide your course-
1. Is it really a desire to be with another man? or
2. After 18-yrs does it just seem like the same old thing? and
3. What happens if you have a truly orgasmic experience with another partner?

You don't say whether sex with your husband is good or bad? I can tell you, after 20+ years of marriage, that there are sexual peaks and valleys. I can honestly say, however, that I've never considered being with another woman. Fantasies- yes, action- no. So I took it upon myself to introduce new things (games, toys, etc.) so the same old thing became new enlightenment and pleasure.

Assuming that there are no other issues with your sex life, before you go to a counselor or find a surrogate, introduce some new pleasures into your lovemaking. In your specific case, I would suggest an evening of role playing- with your husband playing the role of someone quite unlike the person that he really is. Best of luck to you both . . .

When we had been together for about 10 years, we experimented with a 3 way with a close friend we both trusted alot. The sex was great for a short time. But out of bed I felt like a servant to 2 men instead of just 1. And I felt terrible for our friend when he'd be going home Sunday night to be lone after a weekend with us. I ended it after a month with our friend's agreement.
My husband was very angry that I ended it and for a while kept trying to get me to do another 3-way with strangers, which I refused.
But we're still close to our friend & it will always be something special that we shared. However I do not recommend it.

Hi Susan, I do not recommend it, I agree with Brandye. The emotional connection and complications could be devastating to your marriage. He may be ok with it now, but afterwards could be different. Why ruin a great marriage over one night?

Again, like Brandye said, try counselling, make romantic getaways with your husband.

I've just known people in the past that have deeply regretted it. Good luck.

Yellow lights and red lights flashing all over the place.

Risk and reward, risk and reward.

Already taken some risks... I wonder how hubby really felt when he heard you think you missed out on something. It would not have been one of my best days if I'd heard it.

In fact, it might actually get me to wondering... maybe I missed out on something too... hmmmm....

Hey Susan:

Where do I apply?

Susan
take your time and listen to what your are being told and make the best decision for you and your husband.

Susan, you probably should really think about the consequences of taking that course of action. Think about what things will be like a year or so down the road. Is there tension at home?

well, Wally, maybe he is so willing to allow her because he has already taken the risk???

I will say this.
Get out of your rut and court each other again and recapture your beauty and his masculinity that attracted you to each other to being with...

It is simple really:
you must make the effort to be beautiful to him again both outwardly and inwardly; ie you must become the lady, the pursued, and your love inviting to him.
he must make the effort to cherish you, pursue you, and be strong in heart
ie he must become the knight, the prince, the don juan again.

If you must know what it is to be with another man, it means that he is not meeting your needs somehow.
Start with this and share your deepest feelings with him not that you want to have sex with another man.
If he was meeting your needs fully you would not need to know sex with another man.

Are you meeting his needs fully?
It goes beyond just the physical...
It goes to the deep design of men and women... beauty and the warrior...
When was the last time you said you admired and respected him?
When was the last time he made you feel beautiful and cherished?
Practice each day doing those things and
Go on a romantic trip with him and rediscover each other and become vunerable with your deepest feelings again.

Truly romance should never fade away regardless of the one constant in everyone's life----"TIME." Time can do many things some good and some not so good. For example, TIME can sometimes errode the memories of a painful time or situation. TIME can also give us the insight to realize that we have time to change things that we do not like in our lives. So, maybe evaluate what you truly want. Remember the best of what you once had and expand on that and don't let what was once so great go bad.

[QUOTE=finewine]well, Wally, maybe he is so willing to allow her because he has already taken the risk???
[/QUOTE]

Huh?

My point about risks was simply that it sounded like this is pretty simple based on the original post taken at face value, which is what I did. She said she thinks she missed out on some sex before she married - she didn't say her relationship is in shambles and hubby needs a white horse and sword...

(Interesting - there's another thread on the board about open relationships... read that one and discover the logic there that screwing your brains out before you get married will increase the odds of a successful marriage. The point for both these threads might be that it's not about what we're missing, even when we think it is.)

I've never eaten Sushi. If I wanted to try it, would that mean my diet is in shambles and I need nutritional counseling? Oh, dear... I'm so deprived? I need more excitement in my meals?

A silly example, but perhaps not a silly example. If I get curious about eating Sushi I simply consider the risks and rewards of doing so and make a decision. Asking others if it's okay to eat Sushi may or may not garner good advice... and the fact that some one says "Sure, go ahead!" doesn't mean they think it's a great idea or that they've eaten it themselves.

This could be simple - a simple (and somewhat selfish) desire to see what something is like (in this case sex with another man, not Sushi). The risks (consequences, really) are high, the rewards are few to non-existent. It's simple logic. Sometimes it makes more sense to consider the outcomes of a decision than it does to rationalize why the decision is being considered.

[QUOTE=fenceguy]I think I agree with Brandye.............Everything could change...........for the worse after one night of mistaken passion......It's a hard call.[/QUOTE]
I agree here. My wife flirted with the idea for a short while to satisfy a desire she had and even found a man she "wanted". The problem was we were not a strong couple due to communication problems for years and I sank into a deep depression because I considered it a rejection of me as a man. I worked my way out of if but still harbor a deep resentment towards her because I do not understand her desires. I truly believe that if I was totally convinced she and I were soul mates, I could let her go satisfy whatever urge she had (and vice versa). But because our relationship was not good to begin with, even though I thought it was okay, just thinking of it put our relationship in a lot of trouble. We have four kids and have a lot on the line. It is not worth the risk.

ok, time for one of my harsher posts.

So, my girlfriend and I have talked about this exact situation before, and here's how it went. We covered what she was feeling, and why she was feeling it. It was all very logical, and I can't say that I blamed her for feeling the way she was feeling. All I really care about is her happiness, though I was terrified about how this conversation was going to affect our relationship, and I was absolutely reviled by the thought of her with someone else. We happened to be driving home on a trip of several hundred miles. I asked her to pull over at a rest stop, because I had to use the bathroom. We stopped, I walked cooly inside, went to one of the stalls, and spent the next ten minutes puking and then dry-heaving. It felt like someone had backed a semi-trailer over my heart, I was absolutely crushed. At the same time, I felt awful. I desperately wanted to please her, and I figured "hey, as long as she comes back to me at the end of the day, and she still loves me like she loves me now, I guess I could handle it." Then I dry-heaved some more and realized that I probably couldn't handle it.

When I got back to the car (after buying some chewing gum to cover the smell of vomit), I told her the score. I basically said that if she wanted to dump me to pursue other interests, even though I was sure she was only doing so for sex, I wouldn't blame her. I also said that if she wanted to stay with me, I simply couldn't handle her being with someone else, or even looking for someone else to be with. To verify that, I told her about the puking and dry-heaving. I also told her that if she did dump me, there would be no going back, because everything would have changed, and I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. I also explained that if she dumped me, I'd consider myself available again, and would start dating other people, and eventually sleeping with other people. Well, the idea of me dating someone else was a terrible thing for her, and the idea of me sleeping with someone else was enough to cause her to have to pull over so that she could dry-heave on the side of the road.

I don't think what I said on that trip was manipulative. I was extremely straightforward. I think the healthy dose of logic overcame the hormones. The moral of my story is this: think about your husband. I understand the urge that you're feeling, but you're married. Marriage is supposed to inseperably join two people. i.e. you're supposed to think about him before you act, and he's supposed to think about you before he acts. So, strictly on an emotional level, what is your choice here going to do to your husband? I find it hard to believe that he's all hunky-dory with this. I know what can make a man tell his partner yes in this situation, keeping his partner happy at any expense. Are you willing to achieve your satisfaction at his expense? Just a thought....

Batman, you may think it was one of your harsher posts... but I'd say it's one of the most honest I've seen on this forum. Perhaps a bit graphic, but honesty sometimes requires that.

"...the healthy dose of logic overcame the hormones..."

When we rationalize what we want to do to logic often flies out the window. The only way I know to truly avoid that is to keep the what "I want" secondary to the relationshp. And the only way to keep the relationship first is put what both want out openly and pursue it together.

Congratulations.

he wants you to have sex with another man so he can divorce you

[quote=WallyLlama]...The only way I know to truly avoid that is to keep the what "I want" secondary to the relationshp. And the only way to keep the relationship first is put what both want out openly and pursue it together...[/quote]

Wally, as always, you hit the nail on the head. I've never really put rationalizing into the equation verbatim, but it's perfect in this situation I think. What Susan is rationalizing here is not the way to maintain a happy and functional relationship. I guess if that's not her goal, then more power to her. But if she doesn't want to end her marriage, then I think she needs an alternative. That is, if mentioning it in the first place hasn't done irreparable damage.