You two are developing the classic co-dependent relationship. Your genitals are the only real thing joining you and as long as you are each getting sexual satisfaction, there is little motivation to move on and find healthier relationships. The typical, or stereotypical, sexual codependency is the male getting the sex he wants and the female not getting the intimacy she wants. The effort each of you is putting into your unhealthy relationship is effort you cannot be putting into developing healthy relationships.

The fix is a long, friendly talk in which you each own up to your position and take responsibility for your role in the dysfunction; a statement of mutual relationship and intended friendship and an agreement that you will each look elsewhere for romance - or, even, simply sex.

Yes, I have been there with both male and female partners.Not much difference between the two in this type relationship,

Any relationship with a lingering end (beyond what either knows to be the end) runs the risk of this codependency. I suspect that a few here have experienced this. There are many marriages that simply dwindle away, still living together because neither one wants the responsibility of ending it.

You 'give in' because you WANT to give in. No spine and no self-respect will always make the easy way out more attractive even if you kick yourself for being a pansy afterwards. Do NOT blame him! You've taught him that Method Q will work everytime and since he cannot read your mind - he judges you by your actions.

No, I haven't been in this situation - I'm far too ferocious and I have no problem forgetting a man's name. Not a woman anyone would want to cling to against her better judgment.

The trick is to get in the habit of making difficult decisions and sticking with them - come hell or high water. What do you want out of life? Decide and then go get it.

Yes tataa,I have been in the same boat as you.I was separated from my ex husband for 10 years prior to our divorce,and continued to sleep with him during that time.Even after we were divorced I still slept with him a few times.I agree with Brandye about the co dependency and it is not a good situation to be in.It is how it was with my ex and I.I couldn't say no to him as he had been abusive during our marriage,and he kept pestering me for sex till I eventually gave in.I have now moved on and am in a monogamous relationship with my new female partner.My ex still occasionally hassles me but I tell him NO I have moved on,and that he needs to also.My new partner has helped me become a stronger and better person,and has encouraged me to find the strength to stand up to my ex.

you cannot rely upon others to 'make you a better person'. That's almost vampirism. PLEASE unleash your pain torment fear anger and let him have it. Tell him in one syllable words how he behavior makes you feel, that you are nt some sort of private convenience for his use and wonder aloud why he can't find someone who actually likes and wants him. I now you've been taught to 'be nice' esp to guys and you may fear him and his abuse - so never be alone with him - ever.
STOP being ncie to those who do not deserve it.

TRY IT, YOU'LL LIKE IT!

I guess I can be the guy that everyone gangs up on with this subject. I think that ex sex is great as long as both parties are not involved with anyone else. You can trust each other and you know what each other want. You are likely going back to him because he is at least good in bed for you and he goes back to you for the same reason. Just be satisfied with that until one of you comes up with someone else with more to offer.

"not involved with someone else" nonsense? She/he can date as many as she/he can talk into it, period. Stop with this "one person at a time" stuff. For it is that "one person at a time" stuff that leads to all of the drama, hurt feelings, etc. that plague people. You get to thinking "this is the one!" and then weep when that's not true. Silliness!
going back to an ex is nothing more than seeking a "security blanket" insted of getting on with your life.

> nothing more than seeking a "security blanket" insted of getting on with your life.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EEK, FOR BRINGING THIS MATTER TO THE FOREFRONT, AGAIN.

> She/he can date as many as she/he can talk into it, period. Stop with this "one person at a time" stuff. For it is that "one person at a time" stuff that leads to all of the drama, hurt feelings, etc. that plague people.

Folks, please devote some time to reading past posts for an ongoing history that goes back years stating and restating what few people seem to understand.

Please read every article listed in the Index found in the VIEW FORUMS section of the site for an UPdate on recommendations for many of the problems and ideas you are struggling with.

As EEK repeatedly says: date as many people as you can talk into it. Dating is all about find Mr./Ms. Right and about learning what qualities we want in a prospective partner. Dating is not primarily security and having a date for an event or "belonging" to him/her. Dating is designed to fail multiple times as we do our searching until that person comes into our sight with all the attributes we seek. Then, dating will have been successful.

> > Problem is he doesn't have feelings for me the way that I still have feelings for him.

Problem solved. Time to recoup, regroup, get over him, move on to those men next on the list of possible partners.

> > My feelings are slowly fading away but I don't think I'm completely over him.

This is the way breaking up happens. Getting over someone can take days, weeks, months, years, depending upon the length and depth of that relationship. Take the necessary time that is appropriate for you, do not be all too eager to move into a serious relationship; rather, do begin dating one or more people, casually, and learn about each other and their likes, dislikes, goals, ideals, values, and so on before devoting more time to having a relationship continue if one or more qualities are not suitable to you. In the meantime, have fun, go on dates doing activities each of you like until there is no value in doing so. Find the next guy in line and begin dating him, and so on and on until "the one" comes into your life. Dating one person "forever" knowing you are not entirely happy with him yet not confident in yourself to be your own best friend, is silly and immature.

-doc

> > I never really hit him up he's always the one that hits me up and when he does it's because of the sex.

Easier than you think IF you refuse to base your self-esteem on what some guy thinks of you. Realise that not everyone is going to be your friend. Not that you or they are 'bad' people - just not 'for you'. No harm. No foul.

To give you some perspective: I've been married to the same wonderful man for 34 years now. If he left me (death/divorce) I would be upset, but not devastated despite my many faults.

What each of us must do periodically is to strongly imagine what if...really feel it, get it all out. And leave all of that behind. Suddenly, he/she is no longer there and he/she is NOT coming back - ever! Painful but death is part of 'the deal'. To be an adult is to accept that death has its place and its role to play in life...to make you want to live your life, not to timidly cling onto some rosy-colored yesterday nor to wallow in self-piting despair. But to get out there and LIVE and rejoice in the glory of being alive.

You may know of a man named Christopher Hitchens. He was writing a book when he died; death rather caught up to him at last. This last book is MORTALITY and it is about dying from cancer, undergoing hellish treatments that eventually killed the cancer off but left him so weakened that mundane pneumonia crept up and snatched him away. It is well worth reading, I can assure you. The afterword by his wife Carol was poignant and a 'must read' all by itself.

To give you a taste, here's Christopher Hitchens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCzXIN9d20k

comes to us all, tataa hence the imperative to LIVE instead of hanging onto 'security blankets'.