Please read my reply in the following thread:
"He is so darn fast" in the Pleasing Him forum.

This will address the matter of loosing control and climaxing all too soon.

A problem that seems to be all too prevelent nowadays and particularly with teenagers is that couples either rush past all the buildup associated with going around the "bases"--Necking, Petting, and, Heavy Petting (fooling around), going directly to Foreplay; or, they do not devote much if any time to these kissing and caressing activities that build passion, excitement, tension, and anticipation. Foreplay involves the erogenous zones that include the breasts and genitals. Well, this is just a way to get each other off, particularly a guy. Where's the love?

Whereas the male of the species can be up and ready for a climax in a matter of minutes, the female of the species absolutes requires a lengthy deliberate work up that should last a minimum of half an hour--longer within reason if time permits. When the two of you devote the time and the attention to kissing and caressing every square inch of each other's body, I think you will find the excitement returning and you will find that you become much more highly aroused. This assumes that there is also an expression of passion along with all the kissing and caressing.

In order to help matters along, I believe the two of you should work on making out and working each other up into such a frenzy of excitement and anticipation with this as your goal instead of orgasms. Think of all this as (re)training (and reconnecting to each other emotionally) and not unlike what teens do who must stop somewhere short of actual intercourse.

> The problem for me is that us having sex has lost the closeness it used to have, and it is very unsatisfying.

> we used to have sex 3-4 times a day, and though we now live apart, when i see him it's only once a day. It's often at night and to me it feels like meaningless casual sex.

YA THINK?

I can see having sex this often once in a while and on days off, but every day??

Whether once a day or 3-4 times a day, every day, making out this often would seem to dull the spirits. What else do y'all have time for?? You need variety and diversity in your lives. Better yet: "Get a life".

If the guy is in love with you, not that he just loves you, then he will want to express these feelings by kissing and caressing you. The same holds true for you with him. I suggest that the two of you reconnect with each other emotionally in this way and spend your time together just building each other's passion instead of jumping each other's bones in order to relieve an "itch" in the loins. Change the focus and the point to all this and then if having intercourse or bringing each other to a climax manually and/or orally is desired, you will then have the passion to accompany this. Rather than having sex 3-4 times a day, or just once, block out a couple of hours once every few days when you are relaxed and do not have anything else planned or have to get up early and just make out with this as your primary goal.

I often tell people that the vagina is the gateway to a woman's soul and that the penis is the essense of a man. Intercourse is a means by which the two psyches meld and we become one with the other if for only a moment in time. From your account it seems that he has forgotten about the purpose of making love. He probably has the misconception that you love him and he loves you so why not just get down to it. This is just wrong on so many levels and the boy needs a wake up call.

If my suggestions do not work, then the two of you need to seek counseling.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[QUOTE=CJS-81;154463]I'm not sure whether you are aware of this - but we are both well past our teen years. And i do not appreciate being patronized in that way.

"You need variety and diversity in your lives. Better yet: "Get a life"."

Yikes! How aggressive! I'm asking for help and you accuse me of being oversexed....

"Rather than having sex 3-4 times a day, or just once, block out a couple of hours once every few days when you are relaxed and do not have anything else planned or have to get up early and just make out with this as your primary goal."

We do other things together, we just don't see eachother as much as we used to... We don't live together! We live about an 1hour apart now and he's a shift worker now... We do have couple time. We do kiss alot but its the actual intercourse where it goes down hill.

"Intercourse is a means by which the two psyches meld and we become one with the other if for only a moment in time. "

Hmmm for me it is the celebration of our love. I do agree with you however that it certainly does not feel like that now.

...my problem is that i tend to think it must be my fault.... i mean why not have sex as often? and why treat me like that? It upsets me dearly.[/QUOTE]

You were given advice, and this is how you take it?

It goes to show one thing:

People will believe anything you say about them as long as it's a compliment.

People will frown almost anything you say about them when it's the brutally honest truth.

> I'm not sure whether you are aware of this - but we are both well past our teen years. And i do not appreciate being patronized in that way.

I offer an apology for any misinterpretation. I am aware that you are not teens, however, the added comment was included because teens do read these messages and will also have some of the same problems only to a greater degree. This was the only reason for mentioning teens in the same sentence.

> "You need variety and diversity in your lives. Better yet: "Get a life"."

Yikes! How aggressive! I'm asking for help and you accuse me of being oversexed....

Oh, not at all! yet sex 3-4 times a day or even once a day daily is definitely a way to dull a persons responses or ability to respond. I can understand multiple orgasms during a session or perhaps making love twice in a day once in a while, however your comment made it seem like this frequency was an every day activity. In order to be more responsive, as a couple you need to moderate your love making to just a few times a week or less--at least for the time being.

"Rather than having sex 3-4 times a day, or just once, block out a couple of hours once every few days when you are relaxed and do not have anything else planned or have to get up early and just make out with this as your primary goal."

> We do other things together, we just don't see eachother as much as we used to... We don't live together! We live about an 1hour apart now and he's a shift worker now... We do have couple time. We do kiss alot but its the actual intercourse where it goes down hill.

Thank you for the clarification.

"Intercourse is a means by which the two psyches meld and we become one with the other if for only a moment in time. "

> Hmmm for me it is the celebration of our love. I do agree with you however that it certainly does not feel like that now.

> ...my problem is that i tend to think it must be my fault.... i mean why not have sex as often? and why treat me like that? It upsets me dearly.

> The problem for me is that us having sex has lost the closeness it used to have, and it is very unsatisfying.

This is why I urge you and others to devote more time and attention to just making out with this as the goal rather than intercourse. If he will concentrate on this I would think he couldn't help but use his caresses to also be an indication of his love for you.

> > why treat me like that? It upsets me dearly.

> > He probably has the misconception that you love him and he loves you so why not just get down to it.

If true, this is another reason for devoting more time to making out, particularly if he is rushing to get right to intercourse.

> the actual intercourse lasts less than 5 minutes; he ejaculates really quickly and then just rolls off me.

You stated that he lasts less than five minutes. Most women state that if intercourse lasts longer than about ten minutes, they are likely to become bored, sore, and, tired. The definition of Premature Ejaculation is when it happens within the first minute or so, with the inital stroke in or back out, or within the first few strokes. That he climaxes after the first minute or so would not be considered PE, just an untimely event. Interestingly, the fix for both is the same. Please read the message I refer to in my first post and then read my reply in the accompanying link that describe the two methods for controlling a man's propensity to climax before wanting or intending to.

Finishing and rolling off of you only to ignore you or fall asleep is not good. This is a typical guy thing and that usually his based on ignorance on his part as to how the two of you differ in your view of making love. Women enjoy having some snuggle time afterward and a lot of guys do not know this. So, it may be to your benefit to enlighten him about the differences between the sexes. Knowing that you want some "us" time after climaxing may just change how he treats you for the better. We are simple creatures and more often than not we need to have someone either draw a picture or connect the dots for us before we get something that is very obvious to the other party in the partnership.

So, by telling him what you need from him and why, and by concentrating on making out rather than the climax, I believe that the romance will have the opportunity to come out of the shadows so to speak and into the sunlight, and blossom--if he really wants to cultivate the relationship.

Maybe he is taking a different approach w/ you since the first way didn't work out as well.
Or maybe he's already so much in that comfort zone he feels he doesn't have to "work" at it, sexually at least... to make the relationship work.

> > Maybe he is taking a different approach w/ you since the first way didn't work out as well. Or maybe he's already so much in that comfort zone he feels he doesn't have to "work" at it, sexually at least.

You might want to ask him, CJS. It is not all that uncommon for a guy to become complacent and just not put forth the effort either because he rationalizes to himself that he's won the "prize" (or bedded her as the case may be) so there is no further need for romance; or, having the misguided notion that her feelings and mood mirror his so with that understanding let's just sidestep all the preliminaries and get down to the action. There are similarities to both and both are wrong. If he is not taking a different approach as Demon considers, then perhaps he needs to be reminded about the importance of not bypassing any of the steps that should include:
* planting the seed or idea of making love hours before
* setting each others mood favorably so nothing interferes later

* Necking
* Petting
* Heavy petting
* Foreplay
* Intercourse
These five should be all inclusive, meaning that you begin at A, add B, revisit A, add C, revisit A and B, and so on right on through Foreply. All to often people do not seem to realize the importance of spending lots of time just making out and would rather get right to foreplay. Where' the love? Romance? The reaffirmation and the experession of the love each has for the other?

Many guys, particularly those new to all this, do not know that women require a concentrated and prolonged build up in order to be ready for a climax by whatever means. Just because they are able to be up and ready in a matter of moments, they (wrongfully) believe that the same holds true for the fairer gender. If the two of you are not devoting a minimum of half an hour or longer within reason, to making out before getting to involved with each other's erogenous zones, then I urge you to slow down.

My reasoning for suggesting that the two of you reduce the number of times you have sex from daily to once, twice, or three times a week, at least for the time being, is to give your minds and bodies time to "unwind" and become fully receptive, again. My guess is that by doing it daily you are dulling the senses and your respective abilities to "get into it". Give your minds, bodies, and soul some time to replenish the "ache" and the sexual tension. When you do get come together, placing the emphasis of your activities on the lovin' and the leisurely progression around the "bases" rather than getting right to intercourse should help rekindle the fires and the passion, as was the purpose of my earlier suggestion. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Comments?

Gotta run for now, be back later to check in.

Your thoughts?

Go for it.
If it provokes thought or comment on his part you are ahead of the game or because of it.

If the game makes him want to do something with you win or loose, it is a win-win situation for the both of you.

Quite frankly, I did not read through the entire thread carefully... when I read your desire for "expert" advice, I did have a chuckle though... because on a board like this most people THINK they're an expert. So there ought to be a caution sign... or at least a warning that all you are really getting is opinions.

Here's mine:

I think it's easy to forget that relationships require continuous learning and a fair amount of investment. Just because we "love" somebody that doesn't mean we automatically do the right thing all the time... for any number of reasons.

There are no magic solutions when things get out of kilter. There are no "do this so that will happen" formulas. But the key ingredient is always going to be the other half of the partnership... and the recipe for solutions is one you work out together with both hands on the spoon stirring the pot.

I like the game; you both have to play.

Just remember that you are building a partnership and that means you are both equally responsible for problems. He doesn't "make" you feel a certain way... he only contributes. You don't "make" him feel inadequate, you might contribute.

There is nothing wrong with turning outside the relationship for ideas and opinions... but remember that's all you get - ideas and opnions. You simply HAVE to discover what "works" together... in ways that work for both of you... so you're not trying to manipulate each other into being and doing what you want -- you are building a relationship and a couple that works. If you are going to do that the best experts are each other!

Have you considered that he's just tired--even exhausted? Or maybe not well? You said he's a shift worker. He may not be getting enough sleep. Try keeping his schedule and see what it does to you. The cause of all this may be something you're not yet aware of. Don't start with a prescription until you've really diagnosed the cause. As hard as it sounds, ask him what's up--talk to him, tell him your frustrations. What do you have to lose? And have him read this forum. This is my first time here. What a terrific resource! And it's not porn!!

CJS--I want to take a bit of a different approach to this--maybe a more simple way of considering the issue.

You lived together before. Sex was something that was part of your home-life...no one had to get up and leave after. Could it be that "visiting" for sex is part of the problem? Isn't going to bed with some kind of limit to the visitation more condusive to "****ing" instead of "making love"?

Just my 2 cents...hope you figure things out...