Hello.
I am having some terrible problems. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for three years. I love him with all my heart. We started having sex after about six months, and we were both virgins. I didn't really like it that much, it was uncomfortable and painful but I figured because I was new, I just had to get used to it. If on top I found that in a few minutes of "rocking" back and forth I could get weak mini-orgasms, but this is the best I have been able to do in that department. I can also try using my bed to move up and down, but again this only results in the weak mini orgasms.
Anyways, fast forward to about a year and a half ago, I started rejecting sex more and more. It was uncomfortable, hurt, and I only did it to please him. Slowly we started doing it less and less, and every time we did it it almost seemed to hurt more. I started having problems with getting wet, too. Every time he would do anything sexual towards me I started to feel 'repulsed' and push him away. I told him sex hurt too badly, and he agreed that we should stop until we could find a solution. I started seeing a gyno, who believed I had Vaginismus. She did not know what I could do to solve it, so referred me to a specialist. The specialist gave me a cream that I was supposed to use every night that has a mixture of estrogen and testosterone. I felt like it was working a little at first, and feel like now I can at least finger myself a little, but it really hasn't worked the wonders I hoped it would. I have tried using it as a sort of lube to finger myself, but it honestly just hurts and feels like i'm being burned.
After I told this to the gyno, she suggested me to a physical therapist that would help me work with my issues. She ran tests on me and said she thinks I have vulvodynia, where there is a burning sensation around the edges of the vagina. This sounds about right to me, because any time I try to have sex not only do I tighten up, but even if I try to relax I feel like I am just being burned. I think what happened was because of the pain I began to tighten up, resulting in even more pain.
Anyways, I spoke with my doctor and she said that because the physical therapy, cream, etc is not working there is nothing she, or anyone really, can do to help me. Upon hearing this I couldn't help but bust out into tears. I feel I will never live a sexually fulfilling life. I will never be able to fully please my man or even myself. She thinks that even if I spent the rest of my life working on these problems, I will never be able to have sex without pain.
One thing she mentioned is a new surgery that they are doing around here. However, insurance does not cover it and the first appointment alone would be well over 2,000. She thinks the surgery itself could run anywhere from 15,000 to 20,000 dollars. It basically takes the skin inside your vagina and brings it outside, to help cover some of the super sensitive parts (apparently it does not look any different). My family does not have a lot of money, but I have considered taking out loans to try this. One thing I am worried about is that I will have it done and it will be a complete waste of money and wont solve anything.
I am hurt and frustrated, and I know my boyfriend is too. It is killing our relationship. I have no desire for anything and have lost interest in all things sexual. I feel no joy from any types of fingering, licking, nothing. It all hurts or is uncomfortable.
Please, can anyone help me? I will do anything.
Whilst placing 62 sutures in a butt last night (industrial accident), my mind wandered back to your request. It is sad, but true, that female sexual functioning is often not addressed by payers, NHS, insurance, etc. But the same conditions are oft covered if other "normal" functions are affected. If a woman has difficulty sitting, for instance, because of vulvodynia, coverage may be possible but the same condition "only" interfering with sex will not. Just an idea.
Please remember also that you do have a clitoris which has no other function than sexual enjoyment. I recommend that while you research your vaginal condition further, that you get yourself a small flat-headed vibe called a clitoral stimulator. You can use this both when alone or with your boyfriend.
It may seem a small thing but it may give you some satisfaction while awaiting a cure. It also may help by getting you to relax more.
But it certainly cannot hurt.
Good luck!
Amazing how masculine disfunction gets immediate attention while feminine disfunction does not - as if women aren't supposed to desire and enjoy sex.
There are sex problems and there are sex problems; there are doctors and there are doctors. Though I work with many women patients, there is no way I could treat you. That is the reason for narrowly focused consultants who are highly specialized. Your doctor may be correct but do not give up without exhausting your alternatives. Every country and most major cities have sexual dysfunction clinics; some well advertised and some that require real searching. There is a central organization in the UK through which referrals to various level of specialty in female and male sexual dysfunction is available. Sometimes a bit of travel is involved.
Your doctor may have run out of ideas but she can certainly get you into some very specialised centre that will, at least, give you a second opinion. Vulvodynia, and that could well be a proper diagnosis, is a rather unknown and not often reported condition among women. I cannot estimate how many women simply accept a sexless life and live with it. In some, it becomes so sensitive that sitting through a movie becomes painful. It can be treated. Cured, possibly not but adaptations can be made.
A clinic specialising in these conditions may also be able to convince your insurance company that this is a treatable medical condition. I do not understand the health care system in the U.S. Your doctor seems to have been with you so far; this next step should be one she can help you. A good gyn can find a proper centre with a few telephone calls through her professional network,
Thanks for your responses. I think it is the doctor's office itself that does not accept insurance, not sure if they've had problems with it in the past or what. I like the idea of the clitoral stimulator. I've looked into getting a vibrator before, but it seems like you have to insert all of them (that I have seen) into your vagina, which, of course, I cannot do.
Viewing these forums makes me sad/jealous that I simply do not enjoy any sex or sex-related activities. I know it's the worst for my boyfriend though. I could care less about sex, and would be a happier person if I could stop worrying about it. But I want to try for him. I know it is hurting our relationship, as we have not had sex for over a year. He is young and should be enjoying it.. Not stuck with someone like me.
O, Frust, sorry to hear about your troubles, girl. But don't get yourself down! He's not "stuck with someone like you". Because before anything else (a woman, a body, a vagina), you're a person! A beautiful person that you should love and be proud of! And that's who he fell in love with.
This may be hard on him. But please; allow yourself to focus on you. It's no wonder you could care less about sex, when your experiences so far were unpleasurable and even painful.
You write about how sad you are that you can not enjoy sex-related activities. Do you know you can derive (sexual) pleasure from playing with other parts of your body? I know this will not take away your pain, but it perhaps could ease your troubles. Since you haven't mentioned anything that you do like, allow me to ask you: Have you been exploring and discovering places on your body that feel really good? That could be your clitoris, nipples, buttocks, but also; ears, stomach, back, neck, toes, thighs, etc. Any part of your body is a potential erogenous zone :) You could very well orgasm from it. In fact; most women need clitoral stimulation. Some experience deep orgasms from having for example; their back and neck kissed and caressed. Which brings me to another question: has he ever done this exploring together with you?
Take care, dear! I'd finish with a hug, but all I can send you are these words. Hope they help a little...
The flat head vibrator is a good idea but is a work around rather than a solution.
OK, the doctor does not accept insurance (I still have no idea how you Yanks get health care). But, your doctor has done some helpful things. All that is being suggested is that she find a referral to a highly specialized gyn clinic. If she does not do that, find another gyn.
The vibe, it is quite true, is not a solution, but to call it a work-around isn't exactly true. While NOT a medical solution, its use can decrease the stress of her situation WHILE a medical solution is sought. I never meant to imply that a vibe could replace a proper medical solution.
I am hoping maybe I could try the vibrator and let my boyfriend use it. I know he wants to pleasure me, he's always asking to go down on me, finger me, etc.
What's weird is I think he's attractive but for some reason I have trouble letting him even kiss me now. It's like whenever he gets close to me, tries to touch me or anything, I get nervous and push him away. :\ It's just automatic, for some reason I feel almost repulsed. I think it's because I feel bad about us not having sex, so I try to push away any thoughts he might have of it. I'm still young and he's my first sexual partner, so I'm not sure if it's just that I have a low libido or what. Does anyone have any suggestions for this?
I try every once and awhile to do something to make him orgasm, like go down on him, but.. I hate to say this.. I find it almost boring. It feels good to make him orgasm, don't get me wrong. But I think the selfish person in me is frustrated because I don't get anything from making him feel good, it feels like it just takes up time and because there isn't really anything he can do to turn me on. I feel like I don't really get turned on anymore because there's not too much I can do with it. This is really hard to explain, so sorry if it doesn't make much sense.
I feel bad for having these selfish feelings and I know that it's important for our relationship that, even if we don't have sex, I do things so that he can still feel good at least. But besides the fact that he enjoys it, I have to admit I don't really look forward to having a cock shoved down my throat lol.
It all makes eminent good sense: Sexual contact gives you great physical discomfort. Ergo, all sorts of physical and psychological barriers go up. It is part of the malady. As ac hild you learned not to touch hot stoves; now your body is transferring this into a penis against my pudenda hurts - keep it away!
You need the specialized treatment only a few places can give. Sexual dysfunction clinics treat the whole woman, not just between her legs.
Evil: I was not dismissing the vibe. That will not help get a penis in there.