My husband and I are approaching our 6 year anniversary of the day we met. It was love at first sight. We were married shortly after and then he almost immediately went to Iraq. When he came back I became pregnant and we started noticing that his back was hurting. An xray was done and now his spine looks like an "S" and was getting worse at an alarming rate. He has since left the army and receives disablity, though he does work. At first his health did not affect our sex life but after a brief second tour in Afghanistan a few months after initial diagnosis, he's become very selfish when it comes to sex. He is still the love of my life and I don't like to complain about our lack of sex or how brief it is. But when we DO do it, it's very much "wham-bam-thank you ma'am" and then he falls asleep. How do I bring up such a sensitive subject and somehow get him to, I dunno, TRY to please me. Or at least have foreplay..... goodness I feel selfish even asking but I've become very sexually frustrated and I miss the intimacy we used to have. Any advice.
Fri, 02/04/2011 - 19:56
#1
Sex and Disabled Spouses
What you describe is not a result of his disability; it is a result of his being an inconsiderate lover. I would like to suggest that you simply straddle his face and encourage him to go to it, but a better idea is for the two of you to see a sex therapist. Then you can couch this in terms of his physical condition and get some suggestions for each of you. Any good gyn can refer you to an appropriate counselor. One trip on your own is usually recommended and then move to couples visits.
Dear Savvy,
Just something that crossed my mind; could it be that since his times of illness, you've effaced yourself and your own needs in favor of his? Because you didn't mean to bother him while he was feeling bad? Unintentionally the communication between you two seem to have slipped away. He may not even be aware of it, since he is probably struggling with himself.
You seem like the person who could efface herself; since you mention how you consider yourself "selfish" for wishing him to be more intimate with you. And since you haven't spoken up about it yet, you seem to be trying to spare him.
I agree it's time for you to speak up for your needs. And I can see how hard that is. My advice would be to try to talk to him while you're both in a peaceful environment and one that is not sexual, so that you can both take your time discussing this. Tell him in an honest and non-attacking way how you've felt lately and that you just wish for more intimacy. Be clear that you don't mean to hurt or insult him, you simply love him. Take a moment for him to let it sink in. Then you could ask him how he has felt about sex lately. Maybe he could tell his side of the story. Maybe he is completely overwhelmed and surprised and needs time to think about if and why sex has become different to him. If so; give him that time and continue the conversation at a later moment. After all; you've been walking around with this for a long time, so there's nothing weird in him needing a bit time to process. Things could become emotional. But since you've known him for 6 years, you'll probably know his primary responses best.
After this conversation (or at the end of it) you could suggest therapy, if that is what you desire. There's absolutely no shame in this. But I wouldn't start the conversation with suggesting therapy, because "out of the blue" that is probably going to make him feel confused or even defensing, since the cause and goal of therapy would be unclear to him.
Good luck! I wish the best to you both!
Actually, we've had this conversation twice, which is part of the reason it is so frustrating. After our conversations things are usually better that night, or maybe two, but after that its just "suck my dick" and that's it. I've suggested therapy A LOT and he has no intention of going, even when I left him and wanted marriage counseling. I'm not really the type to deny my needs, I just end up taking care of them myself. I just wish he wanted to help you know?
Do you mean an S from side to side or from front to back?
Either way, it is time for you to speak up and to say "Let's see what we can do together". Experiment! Explore! Think geometry and ergonomics! Perhaps if you are like this and he's like that then we can... Keep it light, keep it fun and remember to tease him ruthlessly!
Do you see what I mean?
LOL yea thanks. The S is side to side and he's force to stand at an angle.