I've been in similar situations. I guess we all have. When you're in work situations where someone says something rude or unnecesarry about someone, it can be tricky.

When I've had people blatantly make fun or slurs towards someone we work with I usually just say "Oh, I get along fine with them, please don't talk about them like that." I don't get rude about it, I tend to use more of a sweet voice than any other.

In your situation I most likely would have said something to the effect that I'm sure they were just having fun or whatever - IF you were prompted for input at some point. If she is just blatantly being rude and discriminatory I would leave the conversation.. leave the room or just excuse yourself. You obviously can't start a fight at work. She knows she's wrong. You have to pick your battles. You have a right to tell them you don't really like to talk about people in that way, though. You would, of course, have to guage whether that would be a good or bad idea. If it's a bad idea, walk away and eliminate your part in the conversation.

If it was a friend of yours at work, then I would definately tell them what I thought, like "Oh, I really don't like to talk about people, can we change the subject?" with a smile on your face.

The truth it that we need more people to be a tad more forgiving of people that they view as "different". Unfortunately it's really hard for you to pipe up and change their mind. You can only tell them that you're uncomfortable with that kind of talk.

This can be said shyly and with a small smile to lighten the blow, but the words still get across. I've said those lines many times and the people I am friends with are aware of what I will tolerate and what I won't. They'll chide me sometimes and say "Oh, Carrie just gets along with everyone and doesn't like to be mean". Wellll, I don't consider that a bad thing.

Hello everyone,

This is a very interesting thread.

On the face of it it all seams very clear cut... she was wrong.

But surely more questions need to be asked here. To me the first one surely has to be how often these comments occur.

We all have our prejudices - it's all part of the self defence system that comes pre-installed with being a human.

The part were it becomes a problem is when anyone allows these prejudices to influence the way they treat others. So although not good, the fact that she is homophobic is not a shooting offence.

Now if she just had a bad day and was feeling insecure about her guy then hell, we have surely all said some bad things at suchtimes?

So quickly nipping to a worst case scenario... let's assume she makes regular homophobic comments that just go too far. I work for the British government... do that there and it's a shooting offence even for a one-off coment. A friend of mine works for quite a small firm and it's different altogeather. The entire culture where he works in racist, sexist and just about every "ist" you could wish to avoid. Report is where he works and it would be you that gets kicked out.

We do not live in an ideal world. There are consequences to our actions that are often unjust.

This is a very emotive subject. Only you can make this decision based on the consequences of how bad this lady is and whether the result of your actions will actually be the justice we would probably all like to see.

You also mentioned that you weren't a "big fan" of her. Although i am not suggesting this is the case... are you sure this isn't influencing you? Please don't take offence at this question... it is exactly that... a question.

I seriously hope that you don't have to witness any further comments and have to consider any action. If you do, I am sure you will do what you feel is the right thing at that time.

Good luck.

I kind of like this quote when thinking about whether or not I should stand up for people:

First they came for the Communists,
but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,
but I was not one of them, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Jews,
but I was not Jewish so I did not speak out.
And when they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Martin Niemoeller

Where I work, one of the people I'm around a fair amount of time likes to use the word "cocksuckers". It bothers me, but I just leave it alone. To me, it's not worth the fight. The man himself cannot do anything to me. He cannot fire me or anything like that. He's not my boss. However, due to who he is, he would not be going anywhere either. So telling the bosses what he's doing would be futile and saying something to him would be futile as well as plain and simple, he is an asshole. My fellow employees might cheer me on if I did it but the higher ranking would not so much care.
So it's a losing battle for me. There's no point in me telling him anything or telling the higher rankings what he's doing.

So the question for you is, is it a losing battle to you. Will anyone listen to you when you say these things? Will the person actually stop if you say these things?

If not, then it's just not worth it to me.

I think you need to uncomplicate this, look at your options, and make a decision - exactly what you are doing.

Part of the uncomplicating is figuring out what's important and thinking through the various options and likely outcomes.

One possibility: If your company has an HR department, you should be able to head there for help. You might be able to "report" this woman in confidence and let HR handle it, hopefully without attributing the complaint directly to you.

At the other end of the spectrum you might be able to just walk away from future conversations about sex in general. If any one asks why you are leaving, simply volunteer that you are not comfortable with intimate conversations in the workplace. It's a good practice in general. You may get accused of "taking the easy way out" by some people, but it also may be the smart play under the circumstances.

I'll risk getting flamed by saying that you are NOT under any obligation to report this woman or to attempt to confront her beliefs or actions. It is very proper and practical for you to be concerned about the potential backlash from whatever action you take or don't take.

On issues like this it's very easy to be "dead right" - a situation where a lot people agree you did the right thing, but you end up dead. (That's the problem with being a martyr, you have to die to get the title!)

Well... hmm...

I certainly can understand your dilemma.  You don't want to upset your work environment, your best friend or one of your bosses.  This is something gay people deal with a lot and many of them choose not to confront people.  

That being said, I think it boils down to the kind of person you want to be.   Technically, I suppose, this isn't your fight.  You aren't the one making the comments, and you can't control how anyone else acts.  However, bad situations don't get any better if good people don't do something about them.  It takes a great deal of courage to stand up for what you believe in.  

As a gay man, I know how I would respond.  The next time she made derogatory comments, I'd simply let her know that I didn't appreciate such language and would prefer that she not use it in front of me.  But, of course, I have a vested interest in standing up for such issues... although, I can say I'd do the same (and have) if someone were making insulting remarks about women.  

Really, it comes down to you.  Can you live with yourself if you don't stick up for what you believe?

Tell them to keep their homophobic thoughts to themself. Unless you don't want to start something...but what i would do is be like "can you NOT say that? I have friends that are gay and it offends me to hear someone say something like that."

-Mariah