Before I get to the point of this post let me just explain
the terminology of this sexual dysfunction so we can be
clear. Retarded Ejaculation or RE is the name given to a
male ejaculatory dysfunction where the guy takes a long time
to ejaculate/orgasm...sometimes it takes up to an hour. This
however is the mildest form of this problem because the man
does, eventually, ejaculate.
Two other terms used instead of RE are more descriptive of
the problem in it's more severe form....the form where a man
cannot ejaculate with a partner at all, sometimes just
during intercourse, and often not by any means at all other
than self masturbation. The majority of men with these
problems suffer from the more severe form: Inhibited
Ejaculation or Male Anorgasmia.
Now young guys who have the version where you
CAN eventually ejaculate may find themselves
getting the more severe formin their late 20's
early 30's and beyond as their hormonal levels
begin to dip (this is natural) and they need
stronger visual and physical stimulation to
achieve orgasm.
Some men get so focused on the sex act and pleasing the
partner that they leave themselves open to a blocked
orgasmic/ejaculatory response. As one web site put
it....these men who suffer RE and Inhibited Ejaculation are
"givers" not "takers" and tend to be overly sensitive to
their partner's needs to the point of subconciously
neglecting their own. Many of them don't even realize they
are doing this.
Also, some men masturbate with a hard grip than cannot be
duplicated by vaginal or oral sex with a partner. If these
men are psychologically suseptible to RE or Inhibited
Ejaculation (ie: verbally or physically abused as children,
or come from a strict religious background, are anxious, shy
or sensitive or perhaps tend to suffer from sexual
performance anxiety) the "numb penis" these men experience
during sex can be combined with with a psychological
orgasmic block to create the conditions for this
sexual dysfunction.
RE and Inhibited Ejaculation not caused by an organic
problem (diabetes, multiple sclerosis, SSRI antidepressents
etc) but rather by a psychological dysfunction that sets up
a block at some stage in the arousal and orgasmic stages of
sex may be overcome by some method of distraction.
Overcoming this by distraction has proved to be very effective.
One of the most successful methods of distraction is to have
a television in the room playing an Xrated video. The couple
places the TV set in such a position that it is easily in
the man's field of vision. Many prefer to use a rear entry
sexual position with the woman on her knees and the man
behind her so that his view of the screen is unobstructed.
One man suffering from Anorgasmia and who had been trying
unsuccessfully to concieve a child with his wife for 8 years
managed to finally get her pregnant using this method. He
reported: "my wife doesn't particularly like pornography but
when our sex therapist suggested Xrated videos she agreed as
a last resort. I found that during intercourse if I took my
eyes off the screen and looked down at my wife, I would lose
the urge to ejaculate and begin to lose my erection. As long
as I kept my eyes fixed on the TV screen I was able to
easily ejaculate inside her in a matter of two or three
minutes. We were both so amazed by this that my wife agreed
to allow me to watch these videos every time she was in her
fertile time of the month and we concieved our first child
in the second month of trying. I had never been able to
ejaculate before with any woman or by any other method than
masturbation while alone."
In a commentary about this a sex therapist and psychologist
said that it may not necesarily even have been the
pornographic imagery that allowed this guy to finally enjoy
successful intercourse with his wife. Rather, it was the
fact that he was distracted by the images and was not paying
too much attention to the sex act he was involved in and so
the orgasmic block never appeared. The doctor went on to say
that perhaps pornography was not needed at all and as long
as the man was distracted enough "he could very well have
been watching the 6 o"clock news and still have ejaculated
during intercourse with his wife"
Wonderful post, Elco. This family of conditions is not common and should not be feared when a man has an occasional bout going flacid.
I have never dealt with this situation but, then, men, especially Scots, do not usually bring these conditions to a woman doctor.
One of my woman patients had a husband experiencing RE to the point that they were both freaked out. He refused to do anything about it. Once we got him into treatment things improved. If you men are experiencing RE, help is available. No one is more interested in getting you help than your partner. Talk to her; talk to a sex therapist.
Hey all,
Woah, this is a wake-up call for me, because i have plenty of trouble ejaculating, i thought being able to go longer is a good thing, well it is for her, but then again neglecting yourself, i really didn't think that by masturbating you kind of "turn off" yourself, when experiencing the real thing. I have noticed that when my girlfriend is giving me head it is like she not really doing anything, i often have to build up to an orgasm/ejaculation then have her "finish me off" i have experienced the whole numb penis thing once, and it scared the shit out of me. Can someone give me some 411 on how i can prevent me from being impossilbe to ejaculate, on average it takes like 2-2 1/2 hours to even notice my load is coming...
Alright here's my deal.
I'm 20 years old and do not have much sexual experience. I've only been with 2 girls sexually and did not achieve orgasm with either of them. The first one I was not really attracted to and she sat on my dick and it was more of a turn off than anything. BUt here is my more recent baffling problem. I've been masturbating with high frequency since I was 15 so yeah I'm really condition to the feel of my own hand, but i think this is unfair since my sexed teacher taught me that there was nothing wrong with jerking off, but now I got to hear that it will ruin my sex life? Anyway, I started to fall in love with this girl in the beginning of October and fantasized about her everytime I masturbated for over a month. Finally one night we hook up and she goes down on me. I experienced that numb penis thing I keep hearing about, I didn't even know I was getting head at first. She tried for an hour and nothing happened though I thought I was going to come a few times. We pretty much gave up after that. Also you should note that I was extremely intoxicated to the point where I don't even remember when we started hooking up so that might have been a contributing factor. It should be noted that there is no way my problem has anything to do with arousal because I've probably jerked off thinking of this girl 100 times by now. So it is pretty damn frustrating that I could not come when my fantasy finally materializes. After reading all this I think my best bet is to stop jerking off all together and hope that my problem can be overcome. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
many thanks for the advice and links.
on a funny sidenote, diagrams depicting what to do for the sensate focus in a home medical encyclopedia my parents owned was one of the first things i masturbated to regularly. kinda find it funny and ironic in a way being brought up in this context
Defintely make an appointment with a sex therapist. But beware many are not up to speed on the latest facts and treatments regarding R.E. There is a lot of misinformation out there on this condition that goes all the way back to Masters and Johnson who not only misdiagnosed the problem but came up with a treatment
(called Sensate Focus) that in most cases, makes the condition even worse.
Do your homework before seeing a therapist. Here's a couple of links:
http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1796
http://www.fertilitext.org/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000029.html
http://www.current-reports.com/article....yWords=
good luck.
is there anything besides x rated videos or other distraction methods that i can try to help me get over it? or would you recommend I talk to someone about it? there are a couple of resources here on campus that i looked up but never looked into that could possibly help me. Would i be better off seeing a psychologist, a men's health specialist or a sexual health counselor? thanks for the help
Sex Therapists have seen a rapid rise in the number of cases of Retarded Ejaculation in the last few years, especially in young men. One theory put forth states that this rapid rise is due to internet pronography. In the past men have indulged their fantasies through magazines, or much less so, Xrated movies in shabby theaters. But, grainy films and dog eared magazines could not sustain a fantasy for very long. And for the most part, partner sex far surpassed any kind of old time porn available before the advent of the internet. It was much easier for a man to become sufficiently aroused enough to achieve orgasm with his partner.
The internet however, provides easy access to an unlimited variety of women, men and sexual situations. And many young men today have had access to internet porn since the onset of puberty. Teenage hormones usually carry them through the teen years and into the early twenties when both heavy porn use and partner sex can exist side by side because a young man's sexual drive is more based on physical relief than on the psychological aspects of sex.
But as they grow older, heading into their late 20's and 30's hormone levels begin to drop and the mind plays a far more important role in the sex act. Indeed if the man is married or has a regular sexual partner, the mind (fantasy) becomes a more dominent factor in arousal. Suddenly these men find that a sexual lifetime of porn has made regular real-life partner sex boring and lacking in variety. The mind sends these negative signals to the body during sex and the result is the inability to ejaculate.
As I've said R.E. can have many other psychological and physical
causes and porn use is but one. But not being aroused enough to ejaculate during sex with a partner because of heavy porn use is the fastest growing cause of R.E. today. This also goes a long way in explaining why the "therapy" of allowing the R.E. patient to view porn during sex has been so successful.
Some who replied to my original post should understand that not being able to ejaculate because you masturbate too often and true, psycholgically induced R.E. are two different things. If all it takes to cure your inability to ejaculate during partner sex is laying off the masturbation for a few days then you DON"T have true R.E. Not being able to ejaculate a few hours after masturbation or partner sex is normal, especially for men in their late 20's and older.
As for "true" R.E., it is the inability to ejaculate at all or only by self masturbation without the partner present. Although the psychological causes are varied and sometimes mixed, (see my original post above) a lack of sufficient arousal is thought to be the most common reason. Now masturbation can play a part in that the man may have sexual fantasies during masturbation that can not be carried over to a sexual situation with his partner. For instance you have a man who is sexually turned on by huge breasts or a shaved pubic area, and his partner is flat chested and hairy. Or an older man fantasizes about sex with young girls but his wife is his own age. The variety of sexual fantasies are limitless but the
partner remains the same. This psychological conflict causes the man to perhaps be aroused enough to attain an erection, but his orgasmic threshold is never reached because reality doesn't match the masturbatory fantasy.
Stopping masturbation rarely fixes the problem because it is not the act of masturbation itself that is the cause, rather it is a sexual fantasy/preference that is not able to be fullfilled. As I said in my orginal post, sometimes this situation is treated by allowing the man to watch Xrated videos containing a situation or actress that he finds arousing during sex with his partner. Many women however, are not willing to subscribe to this form of overcoming their partner's Retarded Ejaculation especially if conception is not the primary goal of the sexual encounter.
HAHAHAHA!!!
I think my ex had that problem.. thats too funny! I thought I was just really bad at "stimulating" him.
I feel much better, now I know it's not just me. I thought it would be hard not to masturbate for a week, but it's actually quite easy (the thought of sex in the weekend is more than enought motivation). I have no trouble coming when I masturbate in front of my girlfriend. I find it still hard to come when my girlfriend masturbates me or gives me a blowjob. I come really close but to tend to back off for some unknown reason.
Seams to me that loads of people have RE. Ive spoken to it about a few people and they say that they sometimes take 2 hours.
I used to have it, now its fine. sometimes if i feel like it i can have 3hour sex it just depends on the girl.
i think that its kind of strange that so many people i know and have posted on here has RE and yet nobody knows what it is and if its normal.
can i just say, how do u guys go without masturbation for a week?!
I didnt masturbate for a week also and i only got results by myself, that post was a great read, definatly relates to me alot, last night before me and my gf went to bed we both masturbated.
Im not sure what i did in my head but i didnt focus on my partner at all apart from her very yummy looking naughty bits and i didnt touch , and i paid %100 attention to what i was actually feeling and i didnt try to help it along like i usually do (because that just doesnt work) and i jismed! WHEE! i also had an ORGASM... everything i had before was nothing compared to it, i curled up into a ball it was so intense..
sorry for probably giving more detail than need im just excited!!
i definatly agree with Elco's post 100% , thank-u very much
After a week without masturbation, I can say it really helped. I slepped with my girlfriend this weekend and came like a rocket when we masturbated.
It looks like I might have the same problem. i find it very hard to come when I masturbate with my partner. I usually come very close but then back off for some unknown reason. The strange thing is I have no trouble coming when I'm on my own. Do you think I should stop masturbating untill I get beter?
my partner recently began having trouble ejaculating/acheiving an orgasm. For example: we will have sex at night before we go to bed and everything is fine and normal, then the next morning he is aroused and we have sex, for what seems like hours, but he cannot ejaculate or have an orgasm. is something wrong? or is it normal that he can't ejaculate because of doing so the night before? it doens't happen all the time, just on rare occasions. He tells me that it is still pleasurable to him, but it makes me feel uneasy.
Oh geez... this is sooooooo me... it takes me half an hour to sometimes 2 hours (and I can hold up to 8 hours when I want) and I need to focus to ejaculate, I though it was normal... what do I do?
i think i might have a combination of "true" RE and the problem from too much masturbation. when i was with my ex, it was much more difficult to orgasm from masturbation as well...
The thing about when i masturbate is that i fantasize or imagine that i am a woman in whatever situation the porno or whatever depicts. So even if i had the hottest bombshell ever as a partner i'd still have trouble. And the kind of porn i looked at most was lesbian porn, so it's not like a solution would be turning gay or whatever, it's just that i don't have female anatomy. I am extremely attracted to women, so that's not the problem either, it's just that my fantasies are impossible to recreate.
The reason i have suggested that stopping masturbation has helped me is because though it is still difficult, I am able to orgasm from sex after I do it. and if i stopped looking at porn and masturbating all together (a tall order for me at the moment) perhaps my fantasies would change so that it becomes easier to orgasm from sex
For one thing i just wanted to make this post more current so people with this problem can find it more quickly. I also want to let everyone with this problem know there is hope out there. Some of the things that have worked for me with this problem have been masturbating less frequently (as in don't do it at all until you start to ejaculate regularly during sex), pumping faster during sex and concentrating on the feel rather than just trying to make her feel good (although i'm not saying this should stop completely).
A lot of people disagree with me jenniferm but porn messes with a man's mojo. It is still too early to know what the real damage of unlimited net porn is.
my boyfriend has this problem, he tells me hes soooo close and then blam he might as well go soft but he tells me hes always had this problem but see pornography does not work for him because he is a porn addict, and he says sex while watching it isnt as nice as masturbation while watching porn so we're not sure what to do to make him cum during sex and he also says I get too wet well what can I say its easy to make me cum lol but he cant stand how wet I get what do I do?
long time lurker first time poster...
my boyfriend and i used to have this problem, up to 3 hours at a time. It went after about a month but we have no idea why?still, i am relieved as i thought it was me, but obviously not.