I feel you. I'm in a very similar situation. But I do disagree that you should feel you have to lower your drive. It's no more the "problem" than her minimal or nonexistent drive. People are just wired different.

Naturally there will be plenty of people on here that will talk the "communication" side, which is right, but at the same time I'm betting that you feel that's exhausted. Like you can just see it on her face that she's thinking "here we go, more talks about fucking." The only thing I could suggest is take a bit of a break from the talks, and then after things settle a bit have one where you just discuss options. Have her come up with them, mainly so it's not you demanding "sex or else". Who knows, maybe she'll see how back in a corner you are? I'm currently at this stage as well, so not really sure what will happen. Or, maybe try the sex therapist under a "false pretense" of curing you and not her? Maybe she's seeing it as she's the one broken, all alone? Even though I don't view high or low sex drive as "broken", but if you both go with you as the focus it at least gets her in the door.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any answers. I'm still very much in that situation. Granted my difference is my kids are 6, 8, and 10, so I really don't have an option of affair/divorce, which I wouldn't do regardless. I do know 2 things though that have helped me greatly. I don't masturbate directly to porn anymore, and I don't think of other people in fantasies. Yes I watch porn, plenty. Almost daily. But what I'm doing it preloading my mind with new thoughts. That way, when I do masturbate to those thoughts I can insert my wife in place of the girls. I'm actually weening myself off of porn as well.

I know that doesn't seem like a big difference, but for me it's psychological. The problem with porn is it makes me think "gee there are TONS of women that do ALL THIS STUFF! And with anyone! I could be doing all this RIGHT NOW! Why am I having to jerk off in the bathroom when I could be doing THAT?" when that's really not what reality is like. It's like when you think of all your friends doing all the different things they get to do on a weekend, and you may envy them, but in reality it's not like you could do all 7 things every Saturday. You would only be adding a single 8th thing.

Lastly, seeing that you've only posted 3 time I'm assuming you've lurked here for a while before. It took me a while to realize that reading here I had to take things with a grain of salt. First, I'm sure there is plenty of embellishment and spice. It's the internet after all. Second, seeing as this is a sex site the people that frequent here are most likely in the 90th percentile for sex drive. I'd highly doubt anyone that contributes here is a "frigid" person, unless brought here by a spouse. We're a select subset of the community, a skewed sample set. So you can't compare your wife to people here either. But if you were on a Catholic Chastity forum you would feel like the person that gets to do all the stuff in comparison. :)

Keep us updated as things go on. If anything just being able to blow off steam here helps too. You get to voice opinions and bounce them off other individuals. I know just that has helped me plenty with my method of thinking about sex.

Take care...

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating.

> Been to many doctors and they say nothing is wrong yet she feels something is wrong medically. Any suggestions?

She knows her own body; if she believes something is wrong, more than likely it is--even if it is the wrong contraceptive method for her.

What birth control method is your wife using? If it is the pill, which pill? If she is using a pill or other hormonal device, it might be that the particular formulation is tinkering with her levels and ultimately her mood. Recommendation: she needs her hormone levels checked and with those results in hand, perhaps changing the product or switching to another method altogether.

> I need to cut down my sex drive and need suggestions as to how to do it.

Masturbate frequently and as often as necessary. Stop viewing porn! Start fantasizing and using your imagination in ways that do not involve thoughts of your wife.

> I have 2 teenagers and don’t want their lives ruined.
> At this point I am looking for an affair/divorce.

The latter is pretty much a given for the former.

How is your wife's enthusiasm for kissing and cuddling? Regardless of whether a person has a high or a low sex drive, if the relationship is otherwise healthy then a woman can usually find pleasure and satisfaction with this minimal contribution. That she rushing to meet your minimal needs, indicates to me that there might be relationship issues that need to be addressed.

Thoughts?

-doc

You have taken the recommended steps:

Complete physical exam for her - including hormone levels
Sought marriage counselling
Asked for sex therapy

I am the one constantly saying that sex is often a symptom and not the real problem but your wife seems to have rejected everything - sex, counselling, therapy, you. You have few choices and your original posts lays them out: live a celibate life; divorce; start an affair (followed, inevitably by others).

Yes, there are ways to reduce your sex drive but you would not like them and I would not recommend them.

Sit down with your wife at a time when there will be no interruptions and set the alternatives out for her. At least she will have been part of the decision making process.

It isn't your sex drive that's the problem.

Stop watching porn - it is all fake anyway and only reminds you of what you're missing which btw is NOT sex itself but PASSION as in the eager participation of your wife.

An affair will not solve that but you somewhat want one because you feel her lack of participation is a rejection of you - Dead Fish Sex isn't anyone's idea of affection and it is affection, physically expressed, you seek.

She needs to see a medical professional whose specialty is sexual dysfunction. A sex therapist is not just a catchy title, it is a real branch of medicine.

Only the most puerile of men 'get it over quickly'. Most men - and I should know, don't you think?- would love to spend 3 hours if not more enjoying sex.

Ok. If you've tried everything then you have three choices left:

1. put up and shut up
2. find a mistress
3. divorce

which is it going to be?

Well, you can cut off your testicles but I wouldn't advise it. Perhaps you'd prefer to explore the world of 'chemical castration'?

Perhaps Brandye can more clearly spell out what the effects of low or no testosterone are but as far as I can see making yourself other than what you are is counter-productive as it doesn't solve the core problem.

IF you've read everything then you will know they have NOT tried getting her into a sex therapist's office. She refuses to go. The reasons behind her refusal would be interesting and may even be germane but we've not be informed.

Other than aging rapidly, which will naturally reduce his testosterone levels and thus naturally reduce his sex drive, his options are very few.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;278175]

Stayiing in a marriage that is NOT meeting his physical needs, while his choice, is NOT a good choice because it doesn't lead to long-term, sustainable human happiness for both parties. Instead of two people in mutual harmony we have one person willing to medically self-mutilate in an effort to make living with the other endurable - sacrifice.

[/QUOTE]

Obviously, this is sad and certainly not what he had envisioned for his marriage. But he has decided that divorce is not an option for him and he has tried every way imaginable to improve this situation with her. Given those criteria, I understand why he is trying to just change himself so that he won't be so frustrated by it.

I empathize completely.

[QUOTE=RedRoses;278171]Very difficult subject...

Rslnlover, I feel so sorry for what you're going through. It hurts my heart to read how someone is willing to give up on a part of himself. A part that so many people today -right here and now- are looking to find or to retrieve. People who are stuck on meds too often do so at the costs of it slowly drowning their spirit; losing themselves. The fact that you're contemplating this sacrifice shows how desperate you must be. What irony that your blessing would become such a curse.

Medications are prescribed daily for purposes they were and weren't designed for or aren't even registered for, by legitimate and genuine doctors who believe the benefits outweigh the risks, taking the specific patient's health-status and medical history in regard. And perhaps there is such thing for you. Your body. Your life. Your choice. Your sacrifice.

Just know this: you are the foundation of your life. Your life beats inside you and evolves around you. And the only thing it asks of you is for you to shine. Lighting the lives of others. Only when you're glowing, can you warm their hearts. Could dimming your own light, really make the world a less dark place?

I wish you strength in overcoming your pains, whatever way you may decide to choose.[/QUOTE]

Just to be clear on this, Rslnlover was not "seeking" medication for this. For all I know, he may not even be willing to entertain that idea.

He just simply asked for advice in decreasing his sex drive and coping with his frustration. The things I thought of initially were medication, castration, or maybe some Eastern meditation solution and I didn't have any personal experience with the last two. Maybe someone else can chime in on those solutions. ;)

The thing I'd be afraid of for killing mine off, is what happens a year later when she does a 180 for whatever reason? That's why I'd say don't do anything other than the simple things like reduce/remove fake porn.

Assumptions and implications, as you understand them, may not reflect reality so I caution everyone to put their emotions aside for a moment and reconsider.

Stayiing in a marriage that is NOT meeting his physical needs, while his choice, is NOT a good choice because it doesn't lead to long-term, sustainable human happiness for both parties. Instead of two people in mutual harmony we have one person willing to medically self-mutilate in an effort to make living with the other endurable - sacrifice.

If his situation were reversed, she sacrificed for him by killing off her sex drive, how would that make him feel about himself?

Very difficult subject...

Rslnlover, I feel so sorry for what you're going through. It hurts my heart to read how someone is willing to give up on a part of himself. A part that so many people today -right here and now- are looking to find or to retrieve. People who are stuck on meds too often do so at the costs of it slowly drowning their spirit; losing themselves. The fact that you're contemplating this sacrifice shows how desperate you must be. What irony that your blessing would become such a curse.

Medications are prescribed daily for purposes they were and weren't designed for or aren't even registered for, by legitimate and genuine doctors who believe the benefits outweigh the risks, taking the specific patient's health-status and medical history in regard. And perhaps there is such thing for you. Your body. Your life. Your choice. Your sacrifice.

Just know this: you are the foundation of your life. Your life beats inside you and evolves around you. And the only thing it asks of you is for you to shine. Lighting the lives of others. Only when you're glowing, can you warm their hearts. Could dimming your own light, really make the world a less dark place?

I wish you strength in overcoming your pains, whatever way you may decide to choose.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;278089]And rather than think we are HYPERsexual consider that perhaps most people out there are HYPOsexual, in other words, WE'RE normal.

I don't think 2 or 3 times a week is "too much". Do you?[/QUOTE]

Not at all. I would have sex every day if given the opportunity. But anyone who has thousands of posts on a sex message board is likely among the more sexual members of society. Nothing wrong with that; I'm just stating a fact. I'm included in that.

[QUOTE=Brandye;278096]"I do realize that this does not even attempt to address the true problem here ....."

"Over half the people I know take antidepressants ...."

"Many on this board would consider that preposterous ...."

My god. No wonder drug abuse is so common. As for preposterous, not nearly as preposterous as some nut recommending psychotropics, by name, on a public Board. These are serious drugs with serious effects and serious side effects and, in some cases, unknown long term consequences and are not to be taken to adapt to a screwed up marriage.

OK, you do not like my citing only possible side effects; how about flatulence which is the most common?[/QUOTE]

I'm just answering the guy's question in his original post.

Thanks for calling me a "nut" and implying that I abuse drugs. That's very helpful to the discussion.

I cannot - nor would I want to - write the guy a prescription. That's what his doctor is for. If his doctor thinks it is insane then he won't write it.

And you say that medication is "not to be taken to adapt to a screwed up marriage". Well, perhaps it is if a person chooses to stay in that marriage and make the best of it. As I said before, I realize that you think that is preposterous, but that is his decision to make and that was the basis for him even starting this thread.

"I do realize that this does not even attempt to address the true problem here ....."

"Over half the people I know take antidepressants ...."

"Many on this board would consider that preposterous ...."

My god. No wonder drug abuse is so common. As for preposterous, not nearly as preposterous as some nut recommending psychotropics, by name, on a public Board. These are serious drugs with serious effects and serious side effects and, in some cases, unknown long term consequences and are not to be taken to adapt to a screwed up marriage.

OK, you do not like my citing only possible side effects; how about flatulence which is the most common?

Well, obviously, he has to have a prescription from a doctor. But frankly, the mental anguish he is experiencing is enough for most doctors to prescribe an antidepressant. Over half the people I know take antidepressants of some form, so it's not like we are talking about something exotic here. Suggesting that suicidal tendencies are a "common" side effect is a being bit overdramatic. Every medication has a laundry list of side effects.

But yes, he should - and must - discuss it with his doctor. This is not for everyone and it certainly wasn't for me for a very long time. But it has helped me in numerous ways.

I do realize that this does not even attempt to address the true problem here, but what he is saying is that he is unwilling to divorce her due to the effect on his kids. He cannot "fix" her problem, so for the good of everyone, he just wants to be able to cope with it better and not be so aggravated.

Many on this board would consider that preposterous, but only he can decide what is the best solution for himself and his family given the current predicament.

And rather than think we are HYPERsexual consider that perhaps most people out there are HYPOsexual, in other words, WE'RE normal.

I don't think 2 or 3 times a week is "too much". Do you?

Check the label for side effects. The most common is sexual dysfunction so you could expect to be less interested. Regrettably, another is suicidal ideation.

Reducing sexual desire is not considered blasphemy by many of us but suggesting specific drug treatment is not a good idea. There is enough stuff available on the corner without ignorantly suggesting drug treatment for something not really amenable to drug treatment.

This is certainly an "off label" use for this drug. Do not do anything without consultation with your doctor.

[QUOTE=Rslnlover;277978]I appreciate you all taking the time to give me your advice, unfortunately I have tried all of it over the last few years without success. My therapist keeps telling me he can only help me to change myself and adjust to the situation so I feel at this time I have to reduce my desire to help stop fueling my anger and disappointment. Every time I see her I just get bitter so I need to make that stop.[/QUOTE]

Have you tried antidepressants? Even a low dose can just "take the edge off". You don't need to kill your sex drive, but you're just wanting to lessen it enough so that you can manage the situation.

As Firmus mentioned, the people who frequent this board likely represent the most hypersexual people in society, so wanting to reduce your sex drive is always going to be considered blasphemy here.

But only you can decide what you want to do.

You have described my situation with my wife almost exactly and, like you, I have just about driven myself insane over it. But about 18 months ago, I started taking a low dose of Citalopram due to stress related anxiety. It seems like a strange prescription for me because it is more of an anti-depressant than an anti-anxiety drug, but it works for me. It doesn't "fix" any problems, but it does take the edge off.

I still have a desire for sex and I still masturbate (although a little less frequently). Yes, I do still get irritated when I think about it, but the Citalopram certainly helps me be less resentful and frustrated about it. I can now manage it better than I did before.

Like you, as important as sex is for me, there are a hell of a lot of other factors involved with issuing an ultimatum and possibly getting a divorce, so this has been helpful for me.

If your therapist doesn't have better ideas - get a new therapist.

The effects of any drugs that would accomplish this are such that you are functionally a eunuch. Your therapist must have some better ideas.