I know women in general try a lot harder to look good than most men...but my question is in regards to how much focus you put on trying to look good for YOUR man.
Do you try harder to look good when you are LOOKING for a man? Or, do you try harder to look good for your man after you have met?
Well this is from a guys point. I usually try to look my best AFTER I have gotten a girl. Why? If I can go out with friends, not looking fly, and manages to catch someones eye, then obviously looks and money dont mean too much (since I have tried looking nice, started to talk to someone and find that they have $$$$ in their eyes)
When a lady first starts out, she works very hard to look good. She tries on this and that, fixes her hair this way and that, etc. But after a while she develops a certain style that she KNOWS looks damn good all the time and she keeps it thereafter. I look best in white, black, beiges, creams - the nuetral colors so they form the basis for my wardrobe. When going to a party however, I pull out the killer little fire-engine red dress that has all men falling to their knees. But one has to remember to only use one's powers for good.
According to my husband - I look damn good no matter what I wear but he likes me best when I am wearing a sheet.
EEK I can only imagine the response you get when you walk into a room... whether you are in a hot red dress or jeans lol.
I would say most likely one would dress to impress.
I do try to look nice if my b/f and I go out to eat or something. Not just for him.. but for me.
Sometimes he'll just say I look nice when I don't feel like I have done anything extraordinary that day... but I appreciate it all the same :)
LOL
dear demon when I walk into a room all of the men's eyes light up!: and then they see my husband or lover walk in behind me and they try to be inconspicuous! It is funny!
Obviously, if you live together, there will be a lot of times that your man will see you not "put together". But even on a lazy at-home day, do you at least try to look good....or figure "who cares what he thinks...he already knows I'm not perfect".
My wife seems to never care how she looks to me. It's only when she goes out of the house that she puts any effort into her looks. I guess I feel as though she should have some concern with looking attractive to ME.
Well j56h, do you put effort in trying to look good for her? When she did 'make an effort', did you notice and did you tell her - "beautiful, honey"?
Do you say anything complimentary to her now?
My husband may not the big bo-hunk he began married life as but I think he's damn cute and I tell him so. Now he's my big adorable grumpy bear who bullies me into eating my vegetables and worries - does she really like my haircut? (Yes, I do like his new haircut.)
[quote=j56h;200612]I know women in general try a lot harder to look good than most men...but my question is in regards to how much focus you put on trying to look good for YOUR man.
Do you try harder to look good when you are LOOKING for a man? Or, do you try harder to look good for your man after you have met?[/quote]One rule I was taught many years ago; always look well, no mater of who you are around. I don't go for much "primping". At times, I wear a bit more makeup....Always keep in shape always look well...so if I am seeing someone, there is no need to pile makeup on myself...I still look about the same as I did when 20, just a few more laugh lines.
I actually look even better than when I was 20. Slimmer although not as taut, kids you know. But lines, oh yeah! I've spent too much time laughing to not have any!
She's put on a lot of weight, which may be making her feel as though she's unattractive. She wears what she calls her "fat clothes"....mostly oversized tee shirts and sweats. She also has a shorter hair style that I don't care for and her new glasses are an unattractive style IMO.
She can look good, but rarely puts effort into it unless we're meeting other people. As far as "sexiness", she's outgrown most of her lingerie and when we're intimate she wears the same ugly around-the-house clothing. Not much of a turn on for me.
We've been married just over two years and I guess I thought she would try harder to look good for me (and for herself). I know it is not easy to stay in shape, but I don't understand why she doesn't choose a more flattering hair style, glasses and clothing.
BTW, I'm no Romeo myself....but I at least don't look much different than when we met.
[quote=j56h;200665]She's put on a lot of weight, which may be making her feel as though she's unattractive. She wears what she calls her "fat clothes"....mostly oversized tee shirts and sweats. She also has a shorter hair style that I don't care for and her new glasses are an unattractive style IMO.
She can look good, but rarely puts effort into it unless we're meeting other people. As far as "sexiness", she's outgrown most of her lingerie and when we're intimate she wears the same ugly around-the-house clothing. Not much of a turn on for me.
We've been married just over two years and I guess I thought she would try harder to look good for me (and for herself). I know it is not easy to stay in shape, but I don't understand why she doesn't choose a more flattering hair style, glasses and clothing.
BTW, I'm no Romeo myself....but I at least don't look much different than when we met.[/quote]I believe you should talk to her openly about your concern for her health with the weight gain, do something to help such as work out together or start some walking together. I would ask her why the full change in her appearance, honestly is she depressed? Only you can answer that..and she.
j56h
I guess she never got the hint that you didn't like her hair and glasses?!? I remember that thread from awhile back~
It's not easy to say "hey honey...I don't like the way you look". Or..."gee honey, why don't you do your hair like that woman".
The other night we rented a movie and one of the main characters in it had her hair done the way I think my wife's would look best. I said "why don't you do your hair like hers?" ....at least I wasn't eying other women on the street and comparing LOL.
I think she's gotten the point about the hair, but of course it doesn't grow back overnight either. I'll wait until after she changes her hair back to a longer style before I get on the glasses. Maybe by then I'll have changed my mind, or at least maybe she'll be due for a new pair anyway.
We both wear glasses and both would consider Lasik surgery if we had the money....but we don't currently.
And it's possible I'm way off base....but to me, if a woman is overweight, doesn't a long hairstyle give a bit of a "slimming effect". Same goes for the glasses....wouldn't certain frames look better on someone who is heavy and other frames look better on someone thinner?
Ok, Evil and Sera remember.............women (in general) get BETTER with
the passage of TIME.....It is so so True...attitude, looks, etc etc etc.
Maybe, it is not suppose to be like that but it is.......so, enjoy it and embrace
it.
*chuckling* Of course, we enjoy and embrace it!
j56h - sounds like depression to me too, hun, but I'm not a medical porfessional - but there's a reason behind it that she has to solve with your help.
Time does make us "better"...just a few more laugh lines! LOL! Cannot beat good skin care! :) Keeps the confidence going!
Cudos to you both. And Sera you keep up the great work.........
j56h - not necessarily! Hair and glasses okay but the REAL issue is her weight.
Long looks well on some but not others (it's not a generic answer)...glasses? Has to do with what they do for her..is it style or just lack of caring???? If she has no idea to enhance herself; it's a tough situation for you. She apparently cares what she thinks and not you...Does she "feel" she looks pretty? Go back to the weight issue...and health needs. You do have a right as her husband to make suggestions as to what looks well, she has the right to do as she chooses. Look for the underlying issue...depression or control.
Perhaps, a little tact and/or diplomacy are in order in this situation. If you want
a different look maybe buy a nice new outfit or arrange an appointment with
a stylist (of course these are merely suggestions). Try and make a change fun
and positive. Kindness and helpfulness will go along way in helping.
[quote=constantlylearning;200750]Perhaps, a little tact and/or diplomacy are in order in this situation. If you want
a different look maybe buy a nice new outfit or arrange an appointment with
a stylist (of course these are merely suggestions). Try and make a change fun
and positive. Kindness and helpfulness will go along way in helping.[/quote]But she has to be open to it...if she is content & closed it's a tough road. Try taking her to the mall for a makeup re-do--on you.
Yes, you are exactly right I believe. But do think making it something fun
and positive that can be done together will help things open up a little?
[quote=constantlylearning;200755]Yes, you are exactly right I believe. But do think making it something fun
and positive that can be done together will help things open up a little?[/quote]Yeap, you get out and exercize together...just walk every night, then begin with jogging, it's free. Good & proper diets can be done together. A make over at the Estee Lauder counter are free...see if she likes the look & go together...but looking "sloppy" and not caring about your appearance does not make a man want to come home....
As is the norm with you Sera, that is a great approach. Suggestions like
"wow, I saw the greatest looking hair style in Cosmo and I think your
hair would look GREAT like that...you wanna try a new look, I think I could
use one myself." Not in a demeaning manner but a considerate manner.
[quote=constantlylearning;200758]As is the norm with you Sera, that is a great approach. Suggestions like
"wow, I saw the greatest looking hair style in Cosmo and I think your
hair would look GREAT like that...you wanna try a new look, I think I could
use one myself." Not in a demeaning manner but a considerate manner.[/quote]It's just lending your spouse some support and giving her the opportunity to encourage change. Often people marry & believe they have to do nothing more...you don't have to look ravishing & makeup packed...just nice neat & tidy with your appearance. I believe both have a reasonable expectation their spouse should maintain themselves. Yes, we all get busy but when the whole picture slips there is an issue which is being missed. Depression or control...As demon pointed out...the glasses and hair have been an issue she has ignored for some time...If I went ot go out to a party and looked really poor, I wouldhope my partner/spouse would say "gee, what about the other dress; "I think you look much more beautiful in it...it's such a turn on to me".
Can be as simple as............treat someone like you would want to
be treated. If you want encouragement and thoughtfulness be willing
to give them.
[quote=constantlylearning;200760]Can be as simple as............treat someone like you would want to
be treated. If you want encouragement and thoughtfulness be willing
to give them.[/quote]
Agreed, it's a two way street.
As for your original question, I think it totally depends on whether the person cares about their looks in the first place. I am a person who believes that the way you present yourself is very important - because of what it says about you and how people view you. It is important to me to look my best whenever I can. I am slender and have a nice body naturally, but when the time comes that I need to start putting more effort into staying fit, I will. I wear makeup daily and I'm aware of style and what looks good on me. It's something I do for myself - not just for my boyfriend. If we're having a stay at home and cuddle sort of day, I still put on makeup and wear at least a pair of jeans and a fitted top, both because that is part of my routine and because it is important to me to feel attractive by my own standards as well as his. I don't own a pair of sweats and I save big t-shirts for sleeping. If your wife doesn't care about her looks to begin with, it may be harder for her to see why it's important to you.
I agree with BEG. I also like being fashionable and stay very fit. Obviously, it
is easier for some people and more difficult for others. This is where the
encouragement and togetherness can help both parties.
Style is also a state of mind. How you carry yourself how you take of
yourself--these things all effect the way a person is perceived. Head up
shoulders back sort of scenario. Styles along with tastes vary from region
to region but staying fit and active (like SEra stated) are FREE and most
times not terribly difficult.
Part of the problem, I think, is she's gotten a bit too "comfortable" around me. I guess it should be telling me that she feels secure in our relationship and she doesn't worry about me judging her....but she's getting to the point where sometimes I just don't want to be around.
Not only is it the visual unattractiveness, but she also has gas problems. During our "courtship" I don't think I knew about her passing gas more than twice in a year and a half. Now that we've been married two years, she's constantly farting up a storm. I'm pretty tolerant, but this is really starting to disgust me. It's to the point that everytime she lets one loose, I think to myself "I'm going to have to put up with this the rest of my life?"
I know it sounds awful, but sometimes I think she hid the gas problems from me before the "I do's" and I also sometimes think that she lost weight and got in shape to land a husband and now that she's married it is not as important of a priority to her anymore.
It all makes me feel sad. One because I want to feel more attracted to my wife and two, because I think she was a happier person when she was in better shape and concerned herself more with presenting a prettier image (clothing, hairstyle, thinner, not farting, etc...). And three, of course, is I worry about her long term health.
And by-the-way, we're not talking a few pounds gain....she's put on over 50 pounds in two years time. She was already about 50 lbs overweight when we met (but she had recently lost about 40 and was still losing)...she's now over 100 pounds overweight and still gaining.
I'm worried that our marriage could be strained not only by my loss of physical attraction....but also by my "wandering eyes". As I noted in another thread, almost any woman I encounter these days seems attractive to me. Partly due to me getting a bit older, and partly due to the fact that my partner is quite overweight, so even women that I once would have regarded as too heavy seem quite attractive now.
I would never go looking for a woman to have an affair with....but I am beginning to question whether I would be able to resist the temptation if I were propositioned by another more attractive woman. I don't know what would happen, and it scares me.
I guess all this conversation should indicate that (at least in my case) looking good for your man could be VERY important. And also...trying not to pass gas excessively LOL.
Thanks for listening....and thanks for the responses, they are all appreciated greatly.
J:
Try getting into counseling together...get the issues to light. I can understand the concerns...there is something very wrong. Also she should have a full History & Physical done...
Wow, 100 lbs overweight is excessive. That is definitely not just an appearance issue but a health one, and I think you need to talk to her about it. Let her know that you are concerned about her being healthy. Gas is also often a symptom of improper diet, so you might be killing two birds with one stone. Definitely start working out with her, maybe cook her healthy meals or do the grocery shopping. Do not keep junk food in the house, at all. No chips, no soda. Start buying greens, lean meats, and complex carbohydrates. Maybe you could buy a treadmill that you both could use? Or at least a pilates video? Next time she's going to get a haircut, schedule her one at a nice salon as a nice surprise. Buy her some nice clothes for Christmas or her birthday. You might also want to buy her some nice jewelry. Anything to get her out of the rut and encourage her to look nice. You could get her a gift certificate to a store you like for Christmas, or take her shopping and pick out items you both like. Good luck!
Browneyed, IT IS SO IMPORTANT when buying outfits for ladies THAT YOU
never forget the matching shoes, heels, sandals, or the "best" tall boots.
The accessories are often SO overlooked.
Definitely! The shoes and bag make the outfit. That's also a good place to start because she's not going to grow out of shoes or bags when she loses weight, whereas it may feel futile to buy expensive clothes that won't fit in 6 months. Things like getting her eyebrows professionally shaped or a facial every once in a while would also make a huge impact. So many times you'll see a woman who is nicely dressed but has tadpole-shaped eyebrows... not a good look.
Great point on the clothes....So many Spas have "full body" treatments.
They are both soothing and renergizing. It is always nice to yourself or
someone you love to something special or out of the ordinary. Many
boutiques over fashion tips and advice for FREE as a service when
purchasing clothes. Just some ideas. Good Luck and listen to Browneyed
and you will be OK.
You know....I was in the mood today as it's been over a week since we last had sex. Even though she was wearing her usual oversized stretched out tee shirt and sweat pants, I was still horny and about to suggest we get it on....but then evertime I was about ready she'd fart, or burp. Arrrgh! What a turn off!
Well, maybe next weekend?:(
Last Friday night at the party, I wore a skimpy red dress, red stilettos and jingly multi-colored holiday earrings. Had a blast and looked delicious!
It really doesn't take all that much to look good.
Do you think the crude gestures are a defense mechanism?
Sorta been reading through this thread a bit, not sure if I word for word read each reply =p. Anyways, you need to talk to her in my opinion. Find out what is causing her to gain the weight or if something is wrong. If you care about her and the relationship stop the childish actions of dropping hints and playing around like nothing is wrong. Sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Let her know that you are concerned about her health and want to know why she doesn't seem to like attracting you like she used too. There is the separation between being comfortable to where looks don't matter, but there is always that feeling of wanting to be your best for the one you love. You feel that they are special and deserve your best. My g/f can have her hair in what I nickname "ragging muffin", don't ask and I wont tell =p, and I still love her and think she is so beautiful. She still gets prettied up and always complains omg my hair or jokes that I must think she is crazy looking. I just laugh and tell her I love her no matter what she looks like. The weight gain is serious, that goes beyond attraction and straight into your future with her. As for the farting/burping, you're on your own for that one, other then a better diet and some beano/tums get used to it? hehe gl man, just remember to communicate, it is the best action.
I agree that communication is the first step...but I worry that I will just make her feel even more depressed and make things even worse.
I have to be careful how I approach the whole subject. I really don't want it to become an even bigger issue than it already is. At least she seems pretty happy and content, one is better than none.
[quote=j56h;201281]I agree that communication is the first step...but I worry that I will just make her feel even more depressed and make things even worse.
I have to be careful how I approach the whole subject. I really don't want it to become an even bigger issue than it already is. At least she seems pretty happy and content, one is better than none.[/quote]Communication is key and how you approach it; however, life is not suitable for you. She is content...are you? Making it worse? Well to be blunt is it going to take another 100 lbs until you are ready to walk out the door???? As her spouse, YOU do have a right to say something regarding her appearance & weight. Mainly it's the health issue & depression.
Sera is absolutely right about the communication approach. Maybe, you can
come at it from a health standpoint. In other words, thinking of their health
and how much healthier it is to be fit and in shape. Of course, everyone
needs to go at their own pace. I constantly try to get friends to run or
exercise like I do but sometimes it is too much for them since they are not
as athletic or not in good condition. So, start slow. Good Luck.
JH:
There were times when I put on weight due to surgery. I was married at the time and it really annoyed me my spouse did not say a thing about my weight...I am tall; therefore, many did not notice. One day a parent said something to me about how much I gained, innocently of course, this was enough to make me push myself to limits to move and to get it in gear. Meanwhile, the spouse saying nothing showed me much about his lack concerns.
I lost it all; went back to my norm & when I have gone too low also it was the parent again said you look too thin...so I say do something or say something. What will you do if you want kids? Allow the weight to go out of control even more? It's just not very healthy, regardless of the reasons. My former fiance was very conscious about weight; this kept me in check.
I have been keeping up with this thread and have a little to offer. When I got married to my ex I was in great shape. After my first son I was about 10 pounds heavier, not too bad, but my ex was always trying to get me to work out more and it really annoyed me, I was f***ing tired! I felt like if it was that important than he should help me out in other ways so that I could work out I'm not saying you are doing any of this but I wanted to let you know what really made me angry. He just didn't seem to notice any efforts I did make. I have never been able to style my hair but sometimes I would dress nicer or put on nice smelling lotion or perfume and he would still be hung up on my body. I tried to get him involved in exercise with me and it was a no-go, I got rid of all the junky food in the house and he nearly had a heart attack.
Maybe you could let her know that you want to work out or eat better and you would appreciate her support?? You sound like you have your priorities in better shape than my ex did. Does she have any girlfriends that may work out with her or do weight watchers with her? If you seriously want her to lose weight than you need to be willing to give up a lot to (junk food, fast food).
Overall, my main advice is compliment her on any little thing and try to make her feel beautiful. Even if she could be healthier she is still beautiful. If her self-esteem doesn't improve you aren't going to get anywhere.
Thanks everyone for the replies....I relly appreciate it.
I understand what some of you are saying about her maybe thinking that my lack of bringing up the subject could be interpereted as a lack of concern. And I also know that I can't bring it up and turn into some kind of "drill seargant" and force her to do a regimented exercise program.
I know she is not happy with how she looks and how she feels. She is not in denial or anything....she has a mirror and a scale so I really don't need to go around stating the obvious. She also has had success in the past with losing and controlling her weight, so she knows what it takes to make it happen. I think she just lacks the dedication or maybe the motivation to get back on track.
The few times the subject has come up, I've tried not to be overly critical. I did state that I thought that she was a happier person when she was lighter. She agreed to that comment. I said that if she puts her mind to it, she can be that happy again, plus be healthier and look and feel better.
I do not push the issue to the point that I will say hurtful things. We are married. It's not like I can say "lose weight or I walk". Even if I could say that, I don't think she'd respond well to the kind of pressure that an ultimatum would put on her. It's a difficult situation for sure.
Over the past three years she's gone from the stress of planning a wedding to having her father (who she was very close to) pass away. Then her sister died suddenly, and we were expecting but lost a baby to a miscarriage. All these things obviously added to her depression. Each thing was a blow that I could recognize was upsetting enough that I would postpone any discussion about weight or appearance. Before the sadness of one event would end, something else would happen that would have me thinking "this is not a good time to bring this up". In the meantime, she's gained like 60 pounds.
I am worried about what the future will bring. If she continues along the path that she's heading, not only will I not be attracted, but she'll be at a high risk of developing other long term health issues. It all just really makes me depressed too.
Wow, 2 close family members and a miscarriage are a lot to cope with for anyone. It seems then like there are two main issues here: getting her self esteem up, and having her learn not to seek comfort in food. I can see how if all that stuff happened to you in such a small amount of time, you could lose touch with what used to be important and just stop trying. Doing something about the depression is going to be a major factor in all this, so maybe that should be the first step. Get her into some sort of therapy so that she can work through all these issues and find a way to deal with them that isn't through food. A support group might also be helpful. She needs to find an outlet for her pain. Then maybe try going for a nightly walk with her for at least a half hour to start out. Exercise releases endorphins and makes you happy, so on all fronts getting her to do some sort of exercise every day would be a good start. Start introducing healthier foods into the house. It may be a long path but it is important that she get onto it.
These events happen & she needs to develop good coping mechanisms, and during my weight gain he walked rather then help through support, yes I was 3 months pregnant with his child (so was the girlfriend about 1 month or so)...but she had a STD & "needed him" since I was capable of caring for myself. The point? You are doing the right thing as her husband & you need to rely on each other...it will only make you stronger.
No drill Sargent stuff, no commando, just get her going through love...and helping her self respect!!!!
You are on the right track...best of luck...giver her a gift certificate for the holidays for some pampering...SPA!
And go to the gym together...it strengthens your bond and when you reach your goals the motivation causes synergy!!!:D
During both of my pregnancies, I gained weight and weighed more than my 6' 4" husband - that is to say 220 pounds. Can you imagine? I was massive! MY fitness program began as "eat only when actually hungry" and evolved into "don't eat and **** like crazy" - with the output exceeding the intake.
That is the essence of all weight-loss/management - for the output to exceed the intake.
Walking arm-in-arm. Dancing. Even playing croquet in the backyard - do ANYTHING fun, and if possible flirty, to keep both of you moving, talking, having fun instead of eating.
[quote=constantlylearning;201206]Do you think the crude gestures are a defense mechanism?[/quote]More like just not interested or does not really care. Politeness goes far even when you reside in the same household. Defense mechanism? That's about enough to make a man run out of the house and never come home! Hopefully he & she got some results.
I havent read previous posts yet, just thought I would answer thread. I try to make an effort, but i just dont feel as good as I did in jan 07 I have put a small bit of weight on and my confidence has plummeted... I know how to look good/ok though :)
But new year and I am trying to eat when I am hungry and not huge portions when I do, exercise more, drink a hell of a lot more... That should do it lol