First off I'm new here so heya! :)
The question I have is whether or not I should push the issue.
I love giving oral. However, I'm suspicious if I'm good at it or not. I'm married and my wife has been my only sexual partner in my life. We're both 30 now and we've been together since we were 17. When we first got together I went down on her a few times. She's never really asked for it and usually I have to ask her to let me do it.
We've talked about it and the reason she gives me is that she is uncomfortable with the smell of herself. As a side note whenever we have intercourse she has to take a shower EVERY time. Spontaneity has been a long gone thing of the past. I've re-assured her multiple times that I enjoy the smell and taste. It is actually a huge turnon for me.
I'm fearful of a few things. A. I'm not good enough at it and she gets "bored" with it. B. She will eventually tire of our sex life and look elsewhere.
So I'm wondering should I push it? Are there really women out there who do not like to have their husbands go down on them? Should I drop the issue?
I'm also concerned that the only time she can reach orgasm is usually when we use a vibrator. She's only had a handful of orgasms during intercourse (we both usually tire out before she orgasms during intercourse). So in essence she doesn't really NEED me to reach orgasm. And I kind of feel with time and practice she would orgasm and like oral sex.
Help? (sorry for the long read)
the only one who can tell you if you're good at it or not is the woman you are going down on. You might be rushing in to it a bit early in the making out which can make it not as enjoyable. I tried going down on my wife last night and for what ever reason the same thing that she usually enjoys was a bit ticklish and just wasn't working for her. The first thing to do is make sure she's already a bit aroused. If she doesn't seem to be enjoying one certain thing try something slightly different.
I've also hear of couples play the kid game of hotter-colder where if what your doing is working she says warmer/hotter and when it's not she says colder so you can see what she does like
Thanks for the tip! Usually I'll start off with kissing all over her body and teasing the arousal spots before going in. But it's almost as soon as I dive in she flips like a switch. I'm becoming resolved that I might just have to accept the fact that she's not into it.
If that is the case it is very surprising to me. I would assume that almost all women love oral sex (that is if their partner is decent at it). Then again I'm "assuming" and "almost" are not definite words.
My wife would be in the same boat as far as not liking oral. She says I'm really good at it, but it's just a matter of her opinion as to not liking it as much as other things. She doesn't like the feeling of being "alone" since I'm way down there. I can be using my hands and she's ecstatic, but replace my thumb with my tongue on her clit and you can watch her cool back off.
I understand though the worry that you're not "good at it" or whatnot. It took a lot of thinking about it to get past that feeling. In the end I just had to look at it like this; you can be the greatest chef in the world, but some people just don't like soufflés.
[QUOTE=Firmus;273081]you can be the greatest chef in the world, but some people just don't like soufflés.[/QUOTE]
Genius! I love that.
I've slowly learned over the years that her and I are polar opposites when it comes to sex. I was masturbating ever since I could get a hard on. She finds it "disgusting" for her to touch herself. I'm almost willing to try anything. She's very apprehensive about anything new. It took us forever to buy her first vibrator (now we have a drawer full LOL) and our first adult movie together (which we never watch LOL).
I attribute alot of this to our upbringing. My family was very open about sexuality. If questions were asked, they were answered honestly. Her upbringing was opposite. If we didn't have a daughter together I would assume her mother thought she was a virgin still..
I understand that some women might not like cunnilingus and that most women like it but perhaps 'not now' - but there is no right way or wrong way - just whatever the lady likes. So the question of 'good enough' is moot.
You, sir, are enjoying the fruits of her upbringing and you see how much fun that is for the both of you. I strongly encourage you to NOT raise your daughter as your wife was raised.
You wouldn't be asking if you were 'good enough' if your wife was more 'forthcoming' and rejoiced in her sexuality.
What you may want to consider doing is overwhelming her defenses in such a way that she tackles you and jumps your bones. Please find read and then do The Program found elsewhere in this forum but you have to learn that once aroused EVERYWHERE on her body becomes 'an arousal spot' to the point where a light breeze can induce an orgasm. And DON'T be timid about it - remember - overwhelming her defenses - so think TIGER, or PIRATE "Have at you, madam!" - whatever swashes your buckle and gets that gleam into her eye. You don't push the issue as something separate from the whole continuum - you do whatever you can to release her Inner Tigress - whereupon no holds are barred.
I've always found a little masculine heat at the right moment most invigorating.
Get things in perspective:
1. Only about a quarter of all women frequently reach orgasm through penetration and thrusting; half need additional stimulation of some sort; that leaves about a quarter who never experience orgasm.
2. Some women are not at all stressed by the group in 2 that they fall into.
3. For whatever reasons, some women are not comfortable receiving oral sex. This most likely goes back to old tapes from mu about sex being dirty and a duty and so on.
The two of you may benefit greatly from sex therapy. This can help you talk about sex and overcome past hangups. Most gyn's can refer to a competent sex therapist.
I agree with the others. I'd like to add emphasis on the fact that her upbringing is the main cause and it won't matter how good you are at it as long as there are large mental hangups. What EEK suggested may indeed work to help bypass those, and if not, I'd try Brandye's suggestion of seeing a counselor. There are also some lengthy threads on this site regarding how to deal with those hangups.
Thank you so much for the replies and suggestions. I've tried searching for "The program" but I keep getting threads that reference it rather than the actual thread itself. Is it stickied?
Just going with the flow and varying the position will drive her wild. A little tongue tickling always gets the juice flowing and remember long passionate licks really sets her off. Love hearing a woman moan when I get to that spot.
Yes it is a sticky.
[QUOTE=majicdick101;273243] Love hearing a woman moan when I get to that spot.[/QUOTE]
That is the sound that all men want to hear... LOVE IT!!!
I had the very same upbringing, in fact I bet my parents think I'm still a virgin! Any sex topics were always avoided and "bad". Thanks to my very patient fiance, I have started to open up, and still find it hard to be as sexual as him. The only time I can enjoy him giving me oral is when I'm very aroused, he has to be very patient! And if he tries too early seems like he has to start all over on getting me aroused... sorry if I'm rambling, hope any of this was on topic, I've been awake too long :P
> The only time I can enjoy him giving me oral is when I'm very aroused, he has to be very patient! And if he tries too early seems like he has to start all over on getting me aroused...
Believe it or not--your response is normal! Yes, believe it. You are not at all unusual in your response. Men and women alike become much more aroused and accepting, the more aroused and turned on we become. I often counsel people who are interested in trying this or that form of stimulation or play yet somewhat apprehensive to wait until they are both very aroused.
Keep on keeping on....
-doc
[QUOTE=nexstar3;274654]That is the sound that all men want to hear... LOVE IT!!![/QUOTE]
That sound turns me on. Which turns her on, which turns me on etc...
In short, communicate!
Wanted to post a update (despite the long time frame).
Things have gotten a little better. We bought a new toy from amazon. The toy.
Normally we had a "rabbit" vibrator that had a dildo on it. It usually prevented any kind of "play" from occurring.
With this new toy she holds the toy and massages her clitoris while I go down on her (licking around her vagina, kissing the inside of her thigh, etc). She has had some of the most intense orgasms with this due to the heightened sensitivity of arousal.
The only thing that is still a work in progress is her having to shower EVERYTIME we go to have sex. Like I've said before it kind of takes the spontaneity out of it.
Thanks everyone for the tips! Really appreciated!
[QUOTE=pharaway;273242]Thank you so much for the replies and suggestions. I've tried searching for "The program" but I keep getting threads that reference it rather than the actual thread itself. Is it stickied?[/QUOTE]
Please go to the Index found at the top of the main screen and then scroll down to EEK's section for the link.
I recommend familiarizing yourself with the Index, it contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about--like hers. In addition, if you lick on the site's Home Page you will find even more information.
-doc
> The only thing that is still a work in progress is her having to shower EVERYTIME we go to have sex. Like I've said before it kind of takes the spontaneity out of it.
A. Why not invite her to take a shower together with you? Things can get underway under the water.
B. Why not ask her to plan ahead and take a shower an hour or more ahead of the festivities. This works well, whether she is the instigator, you are, and especially if you have set an appointment already set up.
I think more important than how good he is at it is that he loves doing it and is willing to do it whenever I want him to. Knowing how much he absolutely loves licking my pussy and how I taste is great. Even better is when he "talks dirty" to me while he's doing it. The mental part of good sex is just as important and the physical part.