My boyfriend and I started having sex about 3 months ago. I'm almost 19, he's 8 years older than I am and has had 4 sexual partners before me. I was a virgin before we became sexual. The problem is I've never had an orgasm. Well, it's not really a problem to me. It feels good to me and the only thing I really want is to please him but it's beginning to bother him that he can't bring me to orgasm. I tried to tell him that I've never had one (not through masturbation, fingering, oral, or sex), I just seem to have problems. I feel the building of tension that every one talks about but after it gets to a certain point it gets harder to make it progress any further. We've tried different positions to stimulate differently (my favorite of which is being on top because I control how well stimulated I am) but nothing seems to make it go too much further. I figure it'll happen eventually but I'm worried that it may begin to interfere with our sex life. I tell him that I enjoy myself with him and that it feels good regardless but I'm afraid he may think that he can't please me. I really don't know what else could be done to change this. It's beginning to become frustrating. I want for him to know that he makes me happy but I fear he'll take the phrase "actions speak louder than words" too literally. I just want it to happen so he'll lose the doubts. Any suggestions?
Wed, 01/10/2007 - 19:36
#1
Problems in Bed? (lenghty)
This sounds like his problem; not yours. I cannot understand why men insist on taking responsibility for women's sexual satisfaction. Read around: this board is full of men wanting changes in their spouse's or g/f's sexual response. Tell him flat out that if it does not bother you, it should not bother him. About one-quarter of all women never experience orgasm. Another one-half require some sort of stimulation other penile thrusting.
When you are ready to work on attaining orgasm for yourself, masturbation is the training ground. Once a woman experiences one alone, she know what she is looking for with a partner. Your identification of being on top to control stimulation is a very good sign. You are feeling something and you will eventually get there. The more pressure or dissatisfaction he expresses, the less likely it is that you will attain that goal. Men do not understand or accept that we women can have perfectly satisfying sex without an orgasm. This is simply because men cannot. Nature requires the male ejaculation to keep the species going so they are "made" to reach orgasm. Nature cares less whether or not we reach orgasm because we get just as pregnant without as with orgasm. Then men wonder why we sometimes fake it!
Make it clear that you have taken responsibility for yourself and when it is time, you will be there.
Thanks for the response. I forgot to add in the original post that for the first few times we had sex together he would lose his erection before getting off and feel upset because he felt like he was letting me down (which wasn't true and I told him so). We use a condom every time, he's always very responsible about it. He's a bit better endowed and the condoms are a tight fit and he has confided in me once that it makes it more difficult for him to feel much sensation when he penetrates me. I've suggested that he try a larger brand or maybe one that allows for more sensation to pass to him. It had been 3 years since he'd had sex though so I'd think it might not have helped that his body wasn't used to much more than masturbation. I think stress had a lot to do with it because a lot was going on in his life and the problem seemed to solve itself as soon as he moved from an apartment with backstabbing friends, into a place of his own. He even went 30 minutes twice in a two hour period. I'm very responsive beneath the sheets though so I would hope he'd realize I was enjoying myself. I'm very verbal in the sense that if something feels good I tend to moan or my breathing quickens and if he does something that sends me over the edge I'm sure to dig my nails in (which he says he enjoys a lot) He leaves me shaking every time we have a sexual encounter. But sometimes, it just seems like guys don't get it. Thanks for the advice, it has been very helpful.
I don't think they (men) understand a sexual encounter can be wonderful without an orgasm. The more you concern yourself with it the more difficult it will be...I never worried about it; for years had NEVER had one, then bingo, without trying is happened during penetration, and since it generally happens. The first time it started to happen it felt like it was an itch my bf was scratching--pretty odd. Give yourself sometime and the more comfortable you are with him the better the chance. If it does not happen, it's still a wonderful experience, and feels wonderful...I wish men would understand it!
Also, I found it easier to have an orgasm if while he is inside of me to tighten up around him with a kegel exercise, and contract my lower abdominal muscles (like you would tigten if doing lower abd. crunches. Seems to help hit the right areas.
Men feel responsible for female sexual response because in order to do their primary job, sire and help raise children, they have to keep the woman safely with them. This is easiest to do if she's happy. Hence they strive to please. They also like to do a 'good job'. If you orgasm, it is a 'mission accomplished' signal to them and part of their reward. They feel they are cheating if they orgasm and you don't.
That being said, breath deeply, savor the feeling and RELAX! Give yourself permission to orgasm. As you never have had one, you may have, even if only subconciously, lingering fears about losing control. Let it go. A clitoral stimulator used during masturbation should help release. A bit of wetness on the tip and then apply in a light circular motion to begin. Soon you will find what pleases you best. Good luck.