He Gets Soft in "Cowgirl" Position

[DeviousMelissa]

Hi, i'm a first time poster and have been searching all over the internet for some advice, I hope I can get some insight and hopefully answers here:

I've been with the boyfriend for a year and a half now. Every aspect in our relationship is damn near perfect and i'm sure this is the one i'm going to marry. My only issue (lately.. i.e.. 2 months or so) is whenever i'm in the cowgirl position, he goes soft. I noticed when I get turned on, my vaginal walls relax and get looser. The only way I can reach orgasm is when i'm on top and the clitoris is grinding against him. If we try other positions, he'll sometimes use his hand to rub me but I find it distracting. I brushed off this issue for a little while, but i'm starting to feel self concious. He has the easiest time getting off in doggy style, but although that feels good, it will never lead me to the big finish. I don't know what to do. He's being a good boyfriend by assuring me i'm great in bed, it's him not me, etc. etc. but come on.. actions are speaking louder than words here.

I don't even really know what kind of advice i'm looking for really, anything along the lines of how to make the vagina tighter (I already know about Kegals, and do them regularly.), maybe how to sit on him in cowgirl that would feel tighter for him? He's 30, i'm 26. Could it maybe be his age? Hell, is it too soon to mention maybe going to a sex counselor? I don't want to trample on his manhood by telling him we need therepy. I don't feel he's really the one to blame, i'm beginning to feel like a sexual failure and I need to do something now before I quit wanting sex all together. I'm already starting to feel like a loosey goosey and i've never had problems with this before. I don't know if this is relevent or not, but he has a well endowed penis so I don't understand why he's saying it doesn't rub him right. As much as I love this man, it's hard to swallow a life where I can't get off in my favorite position.
Thanks for listening.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Dear Devious,

You do have three internal hotspots that he should be caressing either by hand or by using the head of his penis. There is an article on this topic. Often this is a question of connecting the physical hardware with the software in the brain - making that circuit come alive.

Going soft when using female superior could also be a question of hydraulics, his hydraulics, make sure he is properly hydrated before sex begins.

Kegels are good and so are abdominal crunches - as if you were trying to develop those "6-pack abs" the guys try for.

If you tend to be passive/less aggressive/non-particpating - you might try letting your inner tigress loose and see if being the sexual aggressor doesn't make a difference. Things change when you're the boss. For example: don't just kneel there and 'take it' during from behind "doggy" - Machine him. He holds still and you push/pull/rotate while he holds on for dear life.
A change in attitude can have profound effects.

[Rouge]

In the time I've spent around guys, the only position that I hear them complain about is Cowgirl. Guys have a love/hate relationship with it, as they love the view, but few can/have gotten off with a girl on top.

There are certain mechanics to 'riding' which need to be addressed. I myself am still practicing, and still find it difficult to get him off in this position, but it can be done. When you're grinding against him, he stays inside you and feels relatively nothing. Bouncing up and down can feel ok, but generally isn't stimulating his glans properly. I've found that reverse cowgirl is the best for this. In reverse cowgirl, lean forward with your hands on either side of his legs. Arch your back, and focus on moving yourself up and down him. If being done correctly, you should feel your pubic bone rubbing the underside of his penis. This will stimulate him in the same way that oral does.

The other option is "she comes first". You ride and get yourself off at some point during sex, then switch so that he can have his fun in doggy or whatnot. Give/take. I can count on my hands and toes the amount of times my partner and I have had simultaneous orgasms.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Actually you don't bounce up and down, no, the motion is 'up and forward' then 'down and back' using your knees as a fulcrum - much like posting to the trot when riding a horse. Use the springs of the bed (or whatever) to help sustain the movement. For added fun - flip or rotate your hips. This adds a bit of torque (twist) which most men find extremely stimulating.

Remember he is responsible for his orgasm just as much as you are responsible for yourd. We don't give them, we only assist.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to information that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. If you click on the site's Home page, you will find even more information including the illustrated animated sexual positions section.

The Cowgirl/Woman Superior position(s) do provide a woman with the most control over her arousal and ability to become stimulated. It is one of a few; otherwise, what most of us guys do is to reach around and stimulate our partner's clitoris, labia, and vulva in general by hand.

I am sorry to learn that you find this practice distracting. This is one of those times when practice is worthwhile including giving feedback to each other on how we are responding to the other's touch. Making love is done in partnership. It is not what we do to each other. We give in order to receive, not take to get. Work together, learn to communicate and give each other feedback (verbal and/or non-verbal) and read the articles listed in the Index. Try other positions and do not give up on them too soon, unless they are obviously not for one or both of you. All this takes practice and while serious business, please do not take it so seriously that you do not have fun.

The vaginal vault does enlarge in circumference as a result of being stimulated. The chamber becomes moist and grows as a result of sexual arousal. This has benefits for a woman and disadvantages for the male partner in that with certain angles the penis is not sheathed tightly so there is little to no friction.

Bouncing up and down on the Mons affects the nerves in the root structure of the penis and can be a big turn off--read: loss of erection, not to mention distracting. Please look at the animations for guidance.

[DeviousMelissa]

Alright, first and foremost, thank you to all who replied. It makes me feel a little better knowing that there are other men who have a hard time "getting off" in cowgirl position as Rouge mentioned. EvilKitten, I will try to be more aggressive in bed. I'm sometimes the more aggressive one in the relationship in general, so i'll try to incorporate that more in the bedroom as well. Practice makes perfect right? I do tend to get very submissive while in doggy because I figure he knows what works best for him, and I don't want to "screw it up" by moving in ways that doesn't please him. (Oh yeah, as mentioned above, the last 2 months have shot my self esteem down to almost nil in the sex department. Once I felt like a sex queen, now i'm feeling like a jester.) Doc, thanks for the tips. I believe you're right. The best way to work through this is to communicate with him. Is it the "norm" to basically have a sex 101 class while in the middle of love making? "Okay, how's this? Is this better? I don't like that. How about we do this?" Or will that just kill the mood?

[dancingdoc2]

Yes it is, although, if you read one of the articles in the Index about this, the key to "communication" and giving feedback is subtlety. Verbal feedback can be lots of words/whispers, or a grunt, a "ummm" "purrrrrr", moan, "I like that", "more", "more MORE", etc. Non-verbal can be a squeeze of the hand or some other type of gesture (Body language) that the two of you work out at other times to signal something.

So, do the real "talking" when you are not being romantic, and do the other stuff as a result of what each of you is doing for the other and how you are responding and for what you need now/next.

You can have your "queendom" back, just work on these things together and practice. If something doesn't work out quite as expected, do not get into a big huff, laugh it off and try, try, again.

[DeviousMelissa]

One last question: What girl on top position feels the most "snug" for him? Leaning back, forward, reverse (I hate reverse), laying flat on top of him, sitting on a chair, I looked at all the animated positions but I want a man's opinion. Thanks

[dancingdoc2]

The answer has to be determined together because of the inherent list or tilt a lot of penises have. A slight curve upward, to the left/right, downward, will affect how it rubs against the walls of the vagina in each position.

So, have fun doing your own testing and evaluating!!

[Grim]

I have that problem sometimes when my GF rides me.
I have her lean her body on me and use a position similar to the inverted missionary, only the legs stay as they were in the regular cowgirl position.
After regaining my erection I can continue with that position or have her return to the cowgirl position.
Hope this helps