Need Advise

[Gabby101]

I have been with a guy for almost 4 years now and our sex life needs some help. I am partly to blame because I just don’t know how to get things started. I have been trying to initiate sex but when I try, I get told “you are not doing it right, you are only doing this to make me happy” and I end up basically feeling like crap and we end up in an argument. He just lays there, doesn’t touch me, says I should be touching me more (not something I am comfortable with) but maybe with help I would be. I don’t know where to go.

[dlb]

It should be a two way thing. You should both be able to tell the other what you would like. using phrases like " you are not doing it right" or "you are doing it wrong" certainly are not conducive to an atmosphere or a relationship that will lead to sexual satisfaction.

The way to start is to have a nice friendly talk, or several talks, with him about what you both like, might like, are dying to try, don't like, aren't keen on but would be willing to do to please the other etc. Also get at least one and maybe several of the many excellent how to sex books that are out there.

Your situation is not that grave, yet. But, why wait until it degenerates.
If he likes to see you touch yourself you should do it for him. Many couples enjoy masturbating simultaneously for each other. I have had races with partners to see who could climax first from masturbation. I don't know why you women think you could ever beat one of us guys at that LOL.

Back to the touching thing. Something that is VERY important and practically all couples therapists recommend is that you spend a lot of time learning to touch each other, before sex, during sex, after sex and when you are not having sex.

I only wish you the very best. Talk with him.

[Gabby101]

Thanks for the input.

I have a few books and he likes to read, maybe we can read them together and try some of the things. I have a hard time talking sometimes and expressing myself. I dont have a hard time touching him, just touching myself.

[lnt1103]

Never in my life have I heard of a man who didn't find it arousing for a woman to initiate. But, by the same token, never in my life have I known a man who left it at something as cold and inconsiderate as 'you're doing it wrong', or who didn't appreciate my desire to make him happy. Bedroom feedback needs to be first and foremost constructive and sensitive. If he's not taking good emotional care of you with regard to your lovemaking, I'd say there are more important issues than your sex life that need dealt with.

Having said that-the mental block you're experiencing with regard to masturbating is very common among women. We're brought up with this taboo about it-we're taught that it's 'dirty' or that 'nice girls' don't. I used to have the same mental block. Well, I'm here to tell you it's BS. There's NOTHING wrong with touching yourself. Let me repeat that: there's NOTHING wrong with touching yourself. Or even *gasp* self-penetration. Humans are by nature curious and enjoy exploration-that area of the body is most certainly no exception. Give yourself the permission to be human and explore this aspect of yourself. And if my bf could see this post I think he'd tell you what a big step it was for me to just say that

[EvilEvilKitten]

No there's nothing wrong with masturbating in front of him but damn! can't I have something that's for me alone???

Why are you hanging around with such a selfish pig of a man who makes you feel like crap???

When he next says "you're doing it wrong", grab the hair on the back of his head, grip it, and kiss his mouth HARD then look him in the eyes and say "pony up big boy you're doing this now". Why do it this way? Because when you do initiate sex this way, it becomes very clear that you're doing it for your own pleasure and not just to "make him happy". Be demanding.

OR

You could just say goodbye and walk away which is what I would do.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

No there's nothing wrong with masturbating in front of him but damn! can't I have something that's for me alone???

Yeah I was just speaking to masturbation in general.

[TnL329]

I would kick the bastard to the curb. I mean seriously, what kind of guy tells a girl she is doing it wrong and makes her feel like crap when she is trying to do those things to him.

[Wantingtolearn04]

i have been with my girl for about 4 months..we have had sex once, and when we spoke about it she said that it wasnt that good....and when it was good... her head was burried in my chest..she didnt really seem like she was goiing to be a fan of that....Now i am 6ft tall and she is only 5'1....but i know that there has got to be awaay to get around this minor problem.....any tips? on what i should do?

[lnt1103]

I agree 15,000% with TnL. Get this guy out of your life and go after someone who deserves you.

[dastranger]

Originally Posted by Gabby101

I have been with a guy for almost 4 years now and our sex life needs some help. I am partly to blame because I just don’t know how to get things started. I have been trying to initiate sex but when I try, I get told “you are not doing it right, you are only doing this to make me happy” and I end up basically feeling like crap and we end up in an argument. He just lays there, doesn’t touch me, says I should be touching me more (not something I am comfortable with) but maybe with help I would be. I don’t know where to go.

First of all (from the info you've given me), it's *NOT* all your fault. So please don't try and blame yourself for all of his sexual issues. It's far more likely that he has some other issues going on in his life: stress, possible psychological issues, physical problems, etc. etc. So don't place all the blame on you.

How long has this been going on in your four (4) year relationship? Have these issues been going on since the beginning or is it a more recent occurance? Has he had any sort of personal issues?

All in all, it really sounds like you two need to sit down and talk about these issues. It maybe that he requires some counseling and/or talks with his doctor. There seems to be some deep-seeded issues that are going on inside of him that he may need to address.

Don't blame yourself.