im at the end of my rope!

[kevjam]

PLEASE HELP!!!.... ok heres the deal. my wife and i have been married for almost 9 years. it all started out ok, but after we got married it started to decline rapidly. ive had several partners and i like to think i have a pretty good idea of what turns a woman on. on the other hand, my wife has had 2 partners including myself.
so here is my issue. i love sex and can do it for hours on the hour. pick your poison, lets do it. unfortunately shes not that way. she could go for weeks with out even having an erotic thought cross her mind. ive tried every trick in the book to get her in the mood. all the things that worked magic on other women in the past dont fase her in the least, somrtimes even piss her off that i would even mention it.
weve read books watched videos, tried toys, you name it. she just doest like sex. when we do have sex its because ive begged for it and she just wants to shut me up. oddly though... she does have orgasms and seems to get plenty of plessure from it. what the hell! she seems willing to try for the most part, but her efforts never last more than a few days. ive tried to just leave her alone and not show an interest in sex while doing other things for her that i know she enjoys, but that only leeds to .....well...nothing.
i just dont know what else i can do. i love her with all my heart but, i cant continue on like this. sex isnt everything but, it definately plays a significant role in a healthy relationship. somethings just gotta give! please give me any ideas you have ,im desperate.

[dancingdoc2]

Is your wife on the pill, patch, or shots? If so, depending upon the product, it is possible that her libido has shut down. If this is the case, consulting with her doctor and asking for a different contraceptive can solve the problem.

If the problem is that she has no sex drive, normally, then perhaps consulting with a therapist is the path to take. She may have a hormone imbalance that can be treated. Furthermore, does she think her lack of interest is normal behavior, or, does she recognize that her lack of interest is not normal? If so, why do you think she is not interested in finding out what the trouble is and fixing it?

Lastly, is her lack of interest a symptom of something gone wrong within your relationship unrelated to sex?

[lnt1103]

Has she flat out said 'I just don't like sex'? I would tend to doubt it. And unless that IS the case, this isn't about you not having found the right thing to add to the bedroom hardware. You need to TALK TO HER about it.

And I don't mean a 'Ok I have another idea we could try, what do you think about XYZ?' conversation. I'm hearing in your post a lot of 'other women seem to like this, you don't, wth??'. She's not other women, she's HER....she's your wife. Her 'switches', if you take my meaning, are particular to her. Have you picked up on what those are and tried starting with them?

As an example, T knows that flicking my nipples is like a light switch. We'll go to bed, and he'll spoon up behind me, drape his arm over me, and sometimes he'll start flicking. And when he starts that, and I giggle and say 'hey, now....' his reply is typically 'I'm just trying to make you feel good'.

Which, while it took me a bit to get to, is my point. Have you ever heard the phrase 'kiss me like you WANT to, instead of like you HAVE to'? Make sure she feels desired and that this is for her too-she's not just a means to the end of getting you off. Turn this thought process and conversation around and make it about HER....what SHE needs and wants, instead of having such a focus on what YOU'RE craving. Sex itself is not on the evening's agenda during this conversation--this is purely talking it out and figuring out what her attitudes/issues are. She's got reasons--find them, talk them out, find out from her how you can help, and work on them together.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have tried all of the usual methods to no effect. That's is no surprise.

Because you HAVE NOT done what you SHOULD have done which is simply, in the absence of any medical issue including stress and over-work - is to PAY ATTENTION TO HER. Specifically, not what worked with other women - you've been married for 9 years now - dammit don't you KNOW what works with HER?

Obviously, it isn't toys, pornography and lingerie. Those are tricks used by women to get their men going - not vice versa with a few exceptions. Pornography, for example, bores me to tears! I'd much rather do than watch. Lingerie just gets in my way and the best toys ever invented were men!

Doc and Int are right on the money but I have another couple of items for you to digest:

1. If it isn't in her body, it is in her head - so what does she think about sex and sexuality? How was she raised? Was she abused? What does she believe? As you believe so shall you do. Understand that your fighting for your marriage and for your wife - put some effort and courage into TALKING with her and EXPLORING what is going on in her head. Reserve judgment, do not give up, and accept what she says is true.

2. Find, read, and do The Program and Body Worship. Spend time on the foreplay and then more time on the foreplay. Fire her up to the extent that SHE jumps on YOU.Within each woman, in the absence of medical & psyche issues, there is an Inner Tigress. Ignite it and afterwards catch her up in your big strong arms, celebrate, and tell her to NEVER hide form you again and you can take whatever she dishes out.

Got it?

[kevjam]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Is your wife on the pill, patch, or shots? If so, depending upon the product, it is possible that her libido has shut down. If this is the case, consulting with her doctor and asking for a different contraceptive can solve the problem.

If the problem is that she has no sex drive, normally, then perhaps consulting with a therapist is the path to take. She may have a hormone imbalance that can be treated. Furthermore, does she think her lack of interest is normal behavior, or, does she recognize that her lack of interest is not normal? If so, why do you think she is not interested in finding out what the trouble is and fixing it?

Lastly, is her lack of interest a symptom of something gone wrong within your relationship unrelated to sex?

she hasnt taken the pill in a couple of years and our realationship out side the bedroom is great. the only thing i can think of is that she does work quite a bit and stress may be a problem, but this has been an issue with us for many years with no improvement

[kevjam]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

Has she flat out said 'I just don't like sex'? I would tend to doubt it. And unless that IS the case, this isn't about you not having found the right thing to add to the bedroom hardware. You need to TALK TO HER about it.

And I don't mean a 'Ok I have another idea we could try, what do you think about XYZ?' conversation. I'm hearing in your post a lot of 'other women seem to like this, you don't, wth??'. She's not other women, she's HER....she's your wife. Her 'switches', if you take my meaning, are particular to her. Have you picked up on what those are and tried starting with them?

As an example, T knows that flicking my nipples is like a light switch. We'll go to bed, and he'll spoon up behind me, drape his arm over me, and sometimes he'll start flicking. And when he starts that, and I giggle and say 'hey, now....' his reply is typically 'I'm just trying to make you feel good'.

Which, while it took me a bit to get to, is my point. Have you ever heard the phrase 'kiss me like you WANT to, instead of like you HAVE to'? Make sure she feels desired and that this is for her too-she's not just a means to the end of getting you off. Turn this thought process and conversation around and make it about HER....what SHE needs and wants, instead of having such a focus on what YOU'RE craving. Sex itself is not on the evening's agenda during this conversation--this is purely talking it out and figuring out what her attitudes/issues are. She's got reasons--find them, talk them out, find out from her how you can help, and work on them together.

ive tried all of that and then some...nothing!

[kevjam]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

You have tried all of the usual methods to no effect. That's is no surprise.

Because you HAVE NOT done what you SHOULD have done which is simply, in the absence of any medical issue including stress and over-work - is to PAY ATTENTION TO HER. Specifically, not what worked with other women - you've been married for 9 years now - dammit don't you KNOW what works with HER?

Obviously, it isn't toys, pornography and lingerie. Those are tricks used by women to get their men going - not vice versa with a few exceptions. Pornography, for example, bores me to tears! I'd much rather do than watch. Lingerie just gets in my way and the best toys ever invented were men!

Doc and Int are right on the money but I have another couple of items for you to digest:

1. If it isn't in her body, it is in her head - so what does she think about sex and sexuality? How was she raised? Was she abused? What does she believe? As you believe so shall you do. Understand that your fighting for your marriage and for your wife - put some effort and courage into TALKING with her and EXPLORING what is going on in her head. Reserve judgment, do not give up, and accept what she says is true.

2. Find, read, and do The Program and Body Worship. Spend time on the foreplay and then more time on the foreplay. Fire her up to the extent that SHE jumps on YOU.Within each woman, in the absence of medical & psyche issues, there is an Inner Tigress. Ignite it and afterwards catch her up in your big strong arms, celebrate, and tell her to NEVER hide form you again and you can take whatever she dishes out.

Got it?

see thats just it, ive done all of this and nothing works. ive tried talking to her and she shoots me down every time. i cant understand what shes feeling and what she wants if she wont open up to me. i married a f@#$n brick wall. IM SO FRIGIN FRUSTRATED!!!!!!

[dancingdoc2]

OK. Make an appointment or two with a marriage and family counselor and find one that you feel comfortable talking to. Explain the situation as you have with us and ask if this is a topic s/he has an expertise with. When you find a counselor, then work with the person individually and together as the person finds necessary. If you wife balks at the idea or simply will not participate then you have a decission to make.

[kevjam]

there lies the problem. i have disscussed counseling with her. she doesnt think its a big deal and says we dont need help. i love her very much and dont think losing her over sex is an option, but at the same time im misserable, and so frusterated with this issue that its affecting other aspects of my life including work and friendships etc. thank you all verymuch for your suggestions. unfortunately i still have no idea how to deal with this. its so difficult to explain how i feel about this. i dont know if you trully understand the situation im in,but thanx anyway. even though i dont know anyone here on a personal level it feels better to talk about it.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

OK. Make an appointment or two with a marriage and family counselor and find one that you feel comfortable talking to. Explain the situation as you have with us and ask if this is a topic s/he has an expertise with. When you find a counselor, then work with the person individually and together as the person finds necessary. If you wife balks at the idea or simply will not participate then you have a decission to make.

[dancingdoc2]

This is a sad state of affairs. I wonder if she has heard this ol' adage, above. The thing is, what if the situation was the other way around?

> she doesnt think its a big deal and says we dont need help.

As you stated: "therein lies the problem...." A partner/spouse should be aware and concerned enough to understand that if one partner says there is a problem--there is.

It sounds to me as if she has become emotionally detached. Unless or until she is ready to plug back in and work on improving what you perceive as wrong with the relationship, with or without outside help, things are not likely to improve. I do wish I could offer more.