I need some advise please!!!!!!!!

[aneumann336]

hello I'm new to the forum, I joined cause I'm having 2 issues that I really need help with. Me and my GF have been going out for about 4 years, we used to have sex all the time, and now I'm lucky if we have sex 2 times a month. We live together, and she says she is tired or not in the mood. We are both 20yrs old and I can see us getting married but I just don't know what to do. The other problem is her willingness to try new things, she won't try new positions, anal, she gives oral for like 30 seconds and wants to rush into having sex. I am willing to try anything once, but she just likes to be on top the whole time, and I make her orgasm every single time. But it is just getting boring for me. When ever I try to mention something to try she says she doesn't like it and then gets mad and won't talk about it at all. I never force things, Im always sincere when talking about sex with her. Does anybody have any advice at all? I don't know how much longer I can take it, it just doesn't seem like something a 20yr old should be going threw.

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the FAQs, the Posting Guidelines section, and especially the Index, all found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful as well as how-to articles.

Me and my GF have been going out for about 4 years, we used to have sex all the time, and now I'm lucky if we have sex 2 times a month. We live together, and she says she is tired or not in the mood. We are both 20yrs old and I can see us getting married but I just don't know what to do.

Several things could be going on and only she can give you the information you need in order to analyze your relationship. For example:

* If she works outside the home, she can be genuinely exhausted by days end, especially if she also has to do the cooking and housekeeping.
* If she goes to school, it is the same as working, especially if she also holds down a job and/or you have a child.
* If she works inside the home and you have a child then this adds much more mental and physical exhaustion to the scenario.

How much do you help out around the house?

I think we are ready to live together!!
We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

How much time do the two of you spend hugging and cuddling--not just occupying space in the same room? These activities strengthen intimacy. They can and do sometimes lead to more, like fooling around and Necking. If nothing else follows, you have improved the health of your relationship and kept it vital.

A relationship is a partnership. The two of you work on it together and separately in order to improve the sum of the two parts. If you are not helping around the house taking out the garbage, doing laundry, cooking, doing dishes, shopping, cleaning, making beds, etc. et cetera, etc., in addition to working or going to school or whatever, then you are not upholding your end, especially if she is doing most of these tasks.

A woman becomes much more receptive to romance when she sees her man "taking care of business" without being asked or reminded.

I gather that since age sixteen you have not dated other girls. This is not an ideal game plan. Dating should not begin and end with the first person who expresses an interest in us. Dating is all about learning what humanity has to offer us in a potential mate from going out with many people. We learn all about different personalities, characters, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, morals, values, in order to gain a better perspective and to also help us recognize when Mr./Ms. Right does come along.

It may be that marriage is not in the cards for you without some premarital counseling from a marriage and family therapist or qualified minister. If this does not happen, and she does not open up about her sexuality, marriage is not going to solve the problem. You will continue to be in the quandary and frustrated state you are in now.

The other problem is her willingness to try new things, she won't try new positions, anal, she gives oral for like 30 seconds and wants to rush into having sex. I am willing to try anything once, but she just likes to be on top the whole time, and I make her orgasm every single time. But it is just getting boring for me.

It is important for you to learn why this is. It may be that she was taught that sex is strictly for procreation, that it is painful, that it should only be done within a marriage--who knows? She does. Encourage her to communicate, or learn at least why she cannot or will not. This leads us to a bigger problem:

* Communication is the key to a successful relationship. A man and woman must be able to talk about all manner of things and work out or negotiate solutions when necessary. Is she open to discussing other aspects of your relationship? If not, you do have a major problem.

It is great that she is enjoying climaxes; and you?

How much time do you devote to fooling around and making out before ever getting to Foreplay and intercourse? If you are not devoting a minimum of half an hour to forty five minutes or so then you are rushing and she is not receiving the time and attention she requires to become adequately turned on.

When ever I try to mention something to try she says she doesn't like it and then gets mad and won't talk about it at all. I never force things

This leads me to believe that she is either immature or has social stigmas attached to romance and to making love. If she is willing to enter into discussions about this with you, then I recommend that you read all of the articles listed in the Index and especially those that deal with relationships as well as the how-tos of making love from start to finish.

If she will not talk to you for whatever reason then you have a decision to make: To Stay or to Go

If the latter, then I recommend that you begin widening your social network and dating many different women over the next few years. Do not be in a rush to be exclusive with one person, or, settle down. Get your education out of the way, get money in the bank, travel, and become established. While doing these things, learn as much about others as you can. A date may last one time, a couple, or a few times. Others will last longer. A couple will seem like "keepers" as you explore and learn about each other together. The rest will fall by the wayside as you learn more about you and what you want in a mate.

I don't know how much longer I can take it, it just doesn't seem like something a 20yr old should be going threw.

Try to make headway with my suggestions and give it two months. If, after this time, the two of you are not making any progress toward improving your relationship overall and also your sex life, then consider broadening your horizons with others.

I agree that you shouldn't have to go thru this; however, this is not at all unusual. What is is when there is a refusal to have open communication. There is an ol' adage that says: "when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". The same can be said for the man of the house. Failure of the other person to recognize that there is a problem is a defining problem.

In addition to the two of you reading the articles in the Index, including "The Program", I suggest clicking on the site's Home Page and going to the sexual positions section. All are illustrated and ANIMATED! Ask her for her thoughts on one or more. Lastly, go to your library or local bookseller and get the book "The Joy of Sex" and read it together or separately, and discuss what you have learned from all this homework.

If she refuses to look at the illustrations and/or gives negative feedback, and/or if she will not read the articles and book, then you might as well hang it up or make peace with your lot in life because you have bigger problems than just her narrow view of what is acceptable in making love. Until these other issues can be fixed, there is little or no hope for the sex part of the relationship. Another adage is: "When a relationship is working well, sex is ten percent of the reason; when a relationship is in trouble, sex is ninety percent of the problem." Failure to for one partner to understand that if the other is unhappy for whatever reason is a problem, and not be willing to work on it to whatever outcome, is a major relationship matter.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[aneumann336]

thank you for taking the time to post back to me. What u said made a lot of sense, and im glad to hear it from someone who has a lot more experience in life then my friends of the same age. you are right she is a full time student in college, and works at the same time. But its not like i don't work either. I work 63 hours a week to make the money needed. As far as some of your question that u asked me. I help out around the house a lot. she rarely cleans or cooks. We spend a lot of time at least an hour hour and half every day cuddling watching TV together. I am very happy that she climaxes every single time. I try to take my time and do some foreplay i perform oral, finger her, and she loves it. but she will only let me do it for like 10 minutes then want to start having sex. The thing that sucks is, i always make sure she climaxes first every single time. And after she climaxes she just wants me to finish, no matter how long it actually took. Sometime it take 5 minutes, sometimes its 30 minutes, but we have never had sex over 45 minutes(including foreplay). And i know she enjoys when she quivers and get goose bumps all over her body. And i have to finish myself. I'm not a selfish guy at all. I love pleasuring her and watching her enjoy it. I'm gonna take your advise and see how things go the next couple months. you never know things may turn around. If you have any further advise after the info i just gave please help. Im all ears!
Thanks,
Andy

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by aneumann336

thank you for taking the time to post back to me. What u said made a lot of sense, and im glad to hear it from someone who has a lot more experience in life then my friends of the same age.

You are very welcome. This is what we do here--"pay it forward" in order to hopefully make it easier for those coming up thru the ranks than it was for those of us who have gone before.

you are right she is a full time student in college, and works at the same time.

Yup! no time is the plate fuller than it is during the college days when you have school, homework, work, and, a relationship, all the while learning the needed life skills. Coping.

But its not like i don't work either. I work 63 hours a week to make the money needed.

I commend your willingness to put forth the effort on all fronts. You are on the right track. All the best....

As far as some of your question that u asked me. I help out around the house a lot. she rarely cleans or cooks. We spend a lot of time at least an hour hour and half every day cuddling watching TV together.

Keep up the good work. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, all help mellow the feminine wilds. Keep on keeping on. You'd be surprised at how many guys only pay attention when they want one thing. Help out with chores and daily obligations? These oafs believe this is woman's work. Theirs is to work on cars and hang with their friends.

I am very happy that she climaxes every single time.

This is definitely good, although, please understand that unlike for the male of the species, orgasms are not a requirement for females of the species. There is much to read on the female orgasm listed in the Index. It is more important to focus on making love to her mind, first and foremost. The physical aspects that are the outward expression of the love you share, will take care of itself, except as you have outlined.

I try to take my time and do some foreplay i perform oral, finger her, and she loves it. but she will only let me do it for like 10 minutes then want to start having sex.

Let's define some terms.
* Fooling around and Making out-- umbrella terms for all that follows
* Necking-- kissing and caressing above the shoulders
* Petting-- Kissing and caressing all over except for the breasts and genital areas
* Heavy Petting-- All of the above to include undoing and removing clothing
* Foreplay-- All of the above including focusing on the breasts and genitals

Making out is progressive in its progress. We begin with A, move on to B, add C, revisit A & B, add D, and so on and on. There is continuity from one part to the next.

If like a lot of people nowadays, lumping everything into the category of "foreplay" then your ten minutes does not generally provide enough stimulus to arouse a woman to a high level.

If you are mostly doing foreplay to the exclusion of all the necking and petting, then you definitely need to learn how to make love in all of its various aspects. I recommend reading the articles on all this listed in the Index.

Making love can and does sometimes proceed quickly without much fanfaire and this is why the term "Quicky". Couples often do extend their love making for hours; and then, there is every time span in between depending upon what you want and have the time for each occasion. I'll let you decide whether or not you are on the right track or if she is stopping herself short.

The thing that sucks is, i always make sure she climaxes first every single time.

OH! this should not suck. You are absolutely correct to help her climax first and last. In between the two of you can enjoy as many orgasms as you want or have time for. This is good etiquette. Decades ago "simultaneous orgasms" were all the rage; no more. We now understand that very few sexual positions place a woman's pieces-parts in constant ongoing contact with the man's pubic mound sufficient to build to a climax. What a knowledgeable, skilled, caring, lover will do is to reach around and finger his partner. You are doing everything right if you are doing these things for her.

And after she climaxes she just wants me to finish, no matter how long it actually took. Sometime it take 5 minutes, sometimes its 30 minutes, but we have never had sex over 45 minutes(including foreplay).

I believe some realignment is suggested. Five minutes to your climax is good. Many women report that if intercourse lasts longer than about ten that they become sore, bored, and, tired! If it takes thirty minutes of stroking to reach an orgasm, then I strongly recommend that you pull out after about five and go back to basics in order to rebuild your level of arousal. Intercourse should begin (again) when you have reached your peak yet still have enough control to move around and get into position.

Many women many times can enjoy multiple orgasms after a brief recovery period. You can certainly try to help her enjoy more in between any two of yours, or, to coincide with one of yours.

And i know she enjoys when she quivers and get goose bumps all over her body. And i have to finish myself. I'm not a selfish guy at all. I love pleasuring her and watching her enjoy it.

As an alternative to masturbating for her, encourage her to help you climax once in a while. Go back to foreplay and finish with this stage. You can learn more about this also from an article on the subject also listed in the Index.


I'm gonna take your advise and see how things go the next couple months. you never know things may turn around. If you have any further advise after the info i just gave please help. Im all ears!
Thanks,
Andy

Do not let things run their course. Be proactive and work on improving your relationship including the sexual aspect of it. If you just sit back and "see how things go", my guess is that nothing much will change, Andy. Maybe she will not reciprocate in which case you know you have done what you could. If she does take an interest and you explore and work together as a team to expand her knowledge and thus her interest, then you will probably make progress more rapidly.

-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

She has not yet accepted her sexuality for whatever reason and that would be fine except for her "making her problem your problem". She has a problem with sex but does not want to address the issue so she pretends she is fine and any problems with sex you two are having - well, they are YOUR fault/issue/problem - nothing to do with her.

Unfortunately discussing it with her will be seen by her as a threat and she would be right. Open and honest communication would destroy this neat little construct/self-image in her mind. She will fight to defend it. She will seek to hide from the truth, turn the conversation back around so it is 'your problem', and so on.

What else did you expect? She's in her 20's - world reknowned for being 'flaky'. Really, all she's doing is trying to integrate what she's been taught about sex with the reality of sex. Some have an easier time of this than most. Some have a harder time of it than most.

What you do is:

1. stop playing her game - no asking "why?", no cajoling, no begging

2. take her at her word - if she's too tired/not in the mood just say "Okay. I'll see you later." and go do whatever - sleep, do some home work, something that does not include her.

3. start looking at changing your living arrangements

Keep on helping out. Keep on being affectionate but once she goes into her game - stop and ignore her (tough as this might be). The idea is you want her ALL of her not just these bits and pieces she's been giving to you. Please find the sticky posts entitled The Program and Body Worship. Read them then go and DO them. With her schedule, 45 minutes is fine with actual penetration being the last 5 minutes. You must spend at least 20 minutes on the foreplay. Yes, it has been researched.


BTW - please try writing like an adult. Thank you.