Problems (painful intercourse, protection) - advice needed

[freethinker]

Hi,

I'm posting in this section because i think this is where my problem fits in, apologies if i'm wrong.
I'm sorry for the long post, but i felt i had to give any relevant information i have.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a few months and we have some problems regarding intimacy, which lately have become frustrating, since we can't seem to manage to have sex that's pleasing for the both of us.

Problem 1: Pain during intercourse
The few times we tried to have sex she told me that she felt pain in her vagina upon penetration. She does have a pretty tight vagina (from my experience at least) and my girth is a bit above average.
The first time we tried to have sex she did tell me at first that she felt a little discomfort, then that it was hurting her a bit, so we stopped.
The second time , we went trough with it, and she did say during the act that she felt some small discomfort but she didn't mention any serious pain, and we went trough with it and had sex. But afterward she told me it really hurt her during intercourse and the pain persisted afterward for about 2 days!

I thought this might be an issue of her not being aroused enough, and with more foreplay the problem would go away but this doesn't seem to be the case, since she always gets plenty of natural lubrication due to her arousal and i don't feel any dryness in her down there.

She claims that, throughout her sex life, she always had felt some pain, at least at the beginning of the intercourse and that nothing can be done about it.
My opinion to this is that maybe this is a case of vaginitis or something similar, which from my knowledge is not something untreatable, but she disregards this.

From this, further problems arose:
i started being reluctant to initiate penetration and having trouble maintaining an erection (which was never a problem for me before) because i'm very in tune with my partner during sex and the thought of me doing something that harms/hurts her is a HUGE turn-off to me.

Now, because of this, now she thinks i'm not attracted to her - which is completely not true, from where i stand, but she won't believe me. I explained to her that it's a problem for me to know that i am causing her pain, but she maintains that the "real" problem is that i don't want to have sex with her because I'm not attracted to her.

When i tried talking to her about us seeking professional help and her going to the gynecologist (to which she hasn't been to in a while) she got furious and very defensive, repeating that there was nothing wrong with her and being offended that i implied that.

Problem 2:
Another turn-off for me is having completely unprotected sex, when nether of us wants a baby at this point (STD are not an issue, we are both clean).

She doesn't want me wearing a condom, since she says that only makes her hurt more, and she doesn't want to go on the pill "because we don't have sex regularly"... (see the vicious circle here?).

She claims that pregnancy is not an issue if i don't cum inside and she knows this because she had unprotected sex constantly with her previous partners and never go pregnant. (well almost never, she has an adorable 11 year old son which i am very fond of).
Now from my knowledge, coming inside or not isn't that relevant to getting pregnant. I know that even the slightest contact between male and female genitalia can sometimes lead to pregnancy, not to mention intercourse, because male pre-cum contains traces of semen.

So this is another turn-off for me (which she again disregards as being nothing more than me not trusting her). Well I'm a fairly logical person, and it's hard for me to completely and blindly believe something I'm told by one person (even one i care a lot about) when everything i know and everything I've researched points to the contrary.

She declares she resigned herself to the idea that we are not going to have sex (because i don't want to - which again, is not true), even though she previously said that sex is an important part of a relationship for her.

So i guess what i am looking for by posting here is advice on what i should do next, and ideas on how to handle this. I care for her very much and i don't want to see this relationship go down the drain because of these problems.

Thank you for your patience in reading this long post and thank you in advance for any pertinent advice.

[sera300]

Well she is disregarding you on all subjects and deeming you wrong. In fact yo are right. She need to go to a Gyn, she & you need birth control.

As far as not wanting her, she needs to seek help for severe insecurity issues. Until she recognizes her part here you are stuck.

Furthermore, she is placing her failure to address her on you through blaming you for not wanting to be with her. This is her problem & she needs to see a decent gyn; not fault you forcing you to feel guilty. She is responsible for her body & you best protect your sperm! Her ignorance may cause you to be called "DAD".

[Brandye]

For whatever reason she is unable to end the relationship and is unwilling to participate in it. No counselling? No contraception? Reprted pain after previous relationsipd were suceessful (sexually)?

If she refuses counselling, with or without your participation, drop her and move on.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Time to say GOODBYE to this girlfriend.

Why?

Because she's the one who feels pain and yet is unwilling to find out why, is unwilling to work with you, and blames you for her problems.

It is both immature and controlling to have an issue and blame it on others than to accept responsibility for one's self. (It is very similar to "I hit her because she made me mad.")

THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG

btw - you have my permission to tell her why you're leaving her - see the "because" sentence above - no backing down, no apologies.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by freethinker

Another turn-off for me is having completely unprotected sex, when nether of us wants a baby at this point (STD are not an issue, we are both clean).

She doesn't want me wearing a condom, since she says that only makes her hurt more, and she doesn't want to go on the pill "because we don't have sex regularly"... (see the vicious circle here?).

You seem intelligent yet foolish. WHY! would you risk a pregnancy when you do not want to be a dad yet do nothing to protect A#1--YOU? Man up and take responsibility for yourself (and her) and do what is right and responsible. Demonstrate leadership even if she refuses to follow. Go the the store and buy a couple of different sizes and determine what size is correct for you then have them ready to use. If she refuses, then no sex, simple as that. If she wants to know why, tell her. She on the other hand does not have to be on the pill, there are other forms of contraception such as the sponge and the diaphragm. AT THE VERY LEAST and in addition to, you should insist on a spermicide. (Yes, I'm recommending three types of B/C be used at the same time. It is that important. If she refuses to use a spermicide--no sex. No birth control--no sex. The chances of a pregnancy during the teens and early twenties is considerable. Wishful thinking or denial are not going to will sperm into taking a U-turn.

She claims that pregnancy is not an issue if i don't cum inside and she knows this because she had unprotected sex constantly with her previous partners and never go pregnant. (well almost never, she has an adorable 11 year old son which i am very fond of).
Now from my knowledge, coming inside or not isn't that relevant to getting pregnant. I know that even the slightest contact between male and female genitalia can sometimes lead to pregnancy, not to mention intercourse, because male pre-cum contains traces of semen.

Your intelligence is showing.

Your girlfriend's knowledge is full of misinformation and conjecture. I want to know what she is hoping to avoid by not wanting to be open to hear all sides of the matter. She seems to be oblivious to or ignoring (in the hope that if she ignores "it" the matter will go away) the fact that the two of you are playing Russian Roulette only instead of a six shooter with one bullet in the cylinder, you are playing with a fully loaded cannon that when pointed anywhere near the vagina can cause a woman to become pregnant if it goes off! I wouldn't have sex with a person who is so closed minded no matter how many other fine qualities she may have.

So this is another turn-off for me

"Another"? How many "switches" do you have that need to be turned off before you stop? Where is the logic?

(which she again disregards as being nothing more than me not trusting her). Well I'm a fairly logical person, and it's hard for me to completely and blindly believe something I'm told by one person (even one i care a lot about) when everything i know and everything I've researched points to the contrary.

She declares she resigned herself to the idea that we are not going to have sex (because i don't want to - which again, is not true), even though she previously said that sex is an important part of a relationship for her.

So i guess what i am looking for by posting here is advice on what i should do next, and ideas on how to handle this. I care for her very much and i don't want to see this relationship go down the drain because of these problems.

You can care very much for someone yet still be in an impossible, exasperating, and, fruitless situation.

P.S. As for condoms being uncomfortable, the solution for this would be to try lubricating it after rolling it on. Have a bottle of lube handy and smear it all over the surface and tip. More than likely the dry surface is rubbing against a part of her vaginal opening that is not yet fully lubricated.

[freethinker]

First, thank you all for your input, it is greatly appreciated.

Your answers reflect my thoughts, in a certain measure. By that i mean that i'm not the type to give up easily, and i do love her, so i'm not even thinking about leaving her at this point.
But indeed it seems things are as i figured: solving her insecurity issues, getting her to trust me more, and of course a visit to the gyno.
I'll try talking to her more, but i'm walking a thin line here.

If anybody sees any other options or things i could do, please feel free to contribute.

EDIT: DancingDoc posted just as i was about to post, so here is the edit to reflect his response (i hate double-posting)

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Go the the store and buy a couple of different sizes and determine what size is correct for you then have them ready to use. If she refuses, then no sex, simple as that. If she wants to know why, tell her. She on the other hand does not have to be on the pill, there are other forms of contraception such as the sponge and the diaphragm. AT THE VERY LEAST and in addition to, you should insist on a spermicide. (Yes, I'm recommending three types of B/C be used at the same time. It is that important. If she refuses to use a spermicide--no sex. No birth control--no sex. The chances of a pregnancy during the teens and early twenties is considerable. Wishful thinking or denial are not going to will sperm into taking a U-turn.

This is exactly what i have been doing, in fact, you described last night for me.
Of course i got condoms, of course i won't have sex without protection, and the one time we did have unprotected sex, she took the morning-after pill. I know it's a lot less safer, but i dodged the bullet that time and she didn't get pregnant.
You are right, i was foolish that time, and usually i have been a devout practitioner of the 3 types of B/C used simultaneously in my past relationships, i don't know what i was thinking.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

"Another"? How many "switches" do you have that need to be turned off before you stop? Where is the logic?

You are playing semantics here . The logic is that i'm not the type to run away from problems, but try to solve them with all my resources. So the turn-offs must be dealt with, and if we manage that i'm sure we'll have a wonderful time together.

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

More than likely the dry surface is rubbing against a part of her vaginal opening that is not yet fully lubricated.

You may be spot-on, what you are saying makes sense and it has crossed my mind at one point as well. Will definitely try it with lube on the vaginal opening.

[smallestoftheclan]

Freethinker, if she is not able to understand the need, and respect your wishes for using birth control where is her respect of you???
She is feeling pain, that pretty tight vagina is where that adorable 11 year old exited her through???
If she has had continual pain during intercourse, with you and other partners, then perhaps she is not as wet as you think she is.
She needs to see her doctor and talk.....

There is nothing you can do except be there for her and let her know you are the loving partner that you are. If she is unwilling then how is she the loving partner you want????

[sera300]

Originally Posted by freethinker

You are playing semantics here . The logic is that i'm not the type to run away from problems, but try to solve them with all my resources. So the turn-offs must be dealt with, and if we manage that i'm sure we'll have a wonderful time together.

It's not semantics. You can not force a woman to take charge of her body & her health care. How can you talk when a person is not listening since it falls on deaf ears.

If this is one issue in a relationship and this is how she deals with them, I would say the same "deaf-ear" practice will follow on other major issues.

Add a Spermicidal Jelly for lube and you use a condom. That is a more helpful approach to the birth control issue--Condoms alone are not sufficient.

[EvilEvilKitten]

NOTE: condoms are ALOT more comfortable if you get them in the RIGHT SIZE. I cannot tell you how many men I meet who do not know what size they really are when erect, and don't take the time to find out which is silly! Apply a touch to your glans, roll it on, then lube the outside and you're good to go.

Sorry you feel that it is "giving up" but I stand by my assessment. She's NOT the lady for you.

[pink_menace]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Sorry you feel that it is "giving up" but I stand by my assessment. She's NOT the lady for you.

AMEN!
-----------
but if you really feel like continue to being with her...so give it your
best shot......in the end...you could say...you've done your best...
it's not like you have not done anything to save what you had
with her.... at least you wont be regretting anything....