Getting her to give me better feedback?

[moose_hd]

My gf and I have been together about 9 months now, and we have done various things though we have decided to save sex for later on. (Both virgins, btw.) We are extremely attracted to each other and can barely keep our clothes on when we're alone together, but one thing is bothering me:

It's very difficult to get feedback from her about which things she likes best. For example, I have asked her how she liked it when I touched or rubbed her here or there, or which of the oral techniques she liked best. She also never asks me for feedback about things she does to me.

She generally tells me that she was too 'swept away' to remember it clearly or just says that she liked it in general, or sometimes she just changes the subject and doesn't answer. And I think it would appear selfish for me to 'instruct' her or ask her to change the way she does things unless she specifically asks for feedback.

I do have a 'suspicion': She tells me she prefers to be very submissive and that she wants me to be very aggressive and dominant in the bedroom - she has actually asked me physically subdue her and tie her up! Maybe, to her, the idea of expressing her feelings and preferences about what I do to her is not very submissive?

I try to be very diligent in giving her what she wants and reading her body in the bedroom and I've already learned (through trial and error, and by watching her mastrubate) to get her off through fingering. But I don't think I will be able to do more advanced techniques without specific feedback, so this is very frustrating for me!

Is there any way I can get her to give me some better answers?

[girl12]

Hi!

First of all, communication is the key to any relationship. If you dont communicate well enough about this, how well are you going to communicate about other things when the time comes? Just a thought.

Anyways, about your question...Have you possibly asked her what SPECIFICALLY she likes? Have you been talking to her about it and said, "What pleases you? How do you touch yourself? How would you like me to touch you?" Also, can you judge by her reactions to your techniques what she likes more and what you should improve on? IE, does she moun louder when you stimulate her clitoris, or her g-spot?

Do you stick to the same moves all of the time? Or do you switch it up?

Just some stuff to think about!

-Mariah

[moose_hd]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
First of all, communication is the key to any relationship. If you dont communicate well enough about this, how well are you going to communicate about other things when the time comes? Just a thought.

I strongly agree with you, and that's why I want to fix this issue ASAP.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
Anyways, about your question...Have you possibly asked her what SPECIFICALLY she likes? Have you been talking to her about it and said, "What pleases you? How do you touch yourself? How would you like me to touch you?"

There are generally 2 things I do:

Sometimes when we are actually physically making out, I whisper to her, asking how she likes what I am doing right then. Her answer is always some sort of, "duh, look at my soaked panties, what do you think?" kind of statement. Her tone is not condescending in any way, but that's what she says whenever I ask during the action. I find it hard to believe that I am always giving her exactly what she wants, especially considering that I am relatively inexperienced. (Also, I can't ask things like this while I give her oral for obvious reasons. )

If I ask her after we are finished, that's when she gives me the responses I outlined above. I have specifically asked her how she felt when I licked her labia, sucked her clit, etc, and she told me that although she enjoyed it, she really can't distinguish very clearly which feeling is which. This is frustrating for me because I have not yet been able to make her cum through oral and it feels like I am just fumbling around down there instead of doing it right.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
Also, can you judge by her reactions to your techniques what she likes more and what you should improve on? IE, does she moun louder when you stimulate her clitoris, or her g-spot?

This is something I am working hard to perfect, and it has lead to some quite evil methods of teasing her. (insert evil laugh here)

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
Do you stick to the same moves all of the time? Or do you switch it up?

Hm, this is a good point. We don't see each other quite frequently because we have a long distance relationship, so that gives me some freedom to do the same things without it feeling repetitive. But I do agree that switching it up is a good practice in general.

Thanks for listening though and I will try to find better ways of encouraging her to share her feelings more often.

[girl12]

Hi again. Ok, so, you sound like you have a good hold on things. If you can't make her cum, she DOES need to tell you what you could do better. Also, dont blame yourself if she doesnt cum. If she sounds like she is enjoying it, that should be enough for both of you unless she has some productive criticism.

It sounds like you are doing well with asking her opinion about things. have you checked out the cunnilingus/fingering techniques on the site? They are helpful!

-Mariah

[moose_hd]

Thank you for your reassurance. It does make me feel better.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]
It sounds like you are doing well with asking her opinion about things. have you checked out the cunnilingus/fingering techniques on the site? They are helpful!

I discovered those recently, and they will definitely be put to good use the next time we are together. *

[Fluffer]

I can sort of relate to your girl... *The guy I'm with now knows a lot about himself and what feels good and where he likes to be touched, etc. *He tells me where to go and what to do, so it's a lot easier for me. *He would like me to do the same thing and I have to say, I have a hard time doing that. *It's not that I don't want to tell him, I just don't have any particular buttons that he can push that will make the bells ring (that I know of). *I will tell him, "Ooh, right there," or "a little lower," if something feels good.

Looking back now, most of the guys I was with were pretty inexperienced compared to him and probably didn't care as much about getting me off. *Definitely keep working on her. *As for how you can tell if something is good when doing cunnilingus, since you can't ask her while performing...maybe ask her to touch your head or say something when you hit a good spot...?

Good luck and keep up the good work!

[moose_hd]

Well I brought up this subject with her last night and it resulted in a big argument. Though it finally resulted in her explaining to me why this is an issue.

The gist if it was that she felt that analysing enough to provide verbal feedback ruined the moment because you have to think too much and you can't simply enjoy. Also, she hated the idea that she might be 'graded' or asked to 'grade' while we get it on together because it would make her feel self conscious and un-sexy. (Me, I dissect and analyse everything because that is what I do and who I am.)

I think I patched it up though: I suggested that maybe 1/5th or less of the time we concentrate specifically on feedback and self-improvement and the rest of the time we just jump on each other and do what feels good. We agreed on this. But damn, it was a stressful night.

[WallyLlama]

Do you mind if I chuckle at your experience... I realize it was stressful, but you might be surprised at how often a conversation takes place that is much like the one you describe.

It's often (all generalities are false) the fundamental difference between men and women.

The big caution in every relationship is to be careful about "what you do and who you are." While it's certainly fair to expect to be accepted (and accept the other), relationships require adapting and negotiating.

I tend to be like you. One thing I've learned is that your girlfriend is right. Analyzing what's going on during sex is a turn off.

My suggestion is to "debrief" after, not during. That can be exciting... and sometimes result in another go. LOL

Further... be observant and sensitive. Make sure your desire for "feedback" is not really about your own insecurity or need. If she looks happy, believe that she is - don't make her tell you.

Nine months is not long for a relationship... you both have much to discover and learn about each other and that can be exciting and positive. I think you also need to consider that your commitment to remain virgins means neither of you can totally let go, so to speak. Again, that's not a bad thing, just recognize that sexual perfection is something you will constantly seek.

Lastly, congratulations on surviving a relationship milestone. The conversation you describe is huge - you are both going to be dealing with the issue in almost all your decisions. Sometimes you have talk about how you will make the decision, remembering that feelings are just as valid as logic and analysis.

SHE: I wanna go to Alaska for vacation... it's so pretty... crisp and clean.

HE: Yeah, but we can get this package deal for Florida... $799 all inclusive. Plus we can get there quicker.

Consider how difficult it will be for those two people to agree.

[moose_hd]

Wally ... thanks very much for your comments.

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Do you mind if I chuckle at your experience... I realize it was stressful, but you might be surprised at how often a conversation takes place that is much like the one you describe.

LOL, as I am clearly a newb, this is certainly permitted.

Your advice strikes me as quite insightful, and I will definitely be coming back to read several times. And now that you mention, I do think that some of this is my own insecurity about being 'manly and capable' in matters of the bedroom. She is more experienced than me as I have not been with anyone before her, but she has been with other guys before me.

Thank you again for responding to my thread.