How do I Get her to think about her fantasies?

[Jaybee]

Guys/girls, your help needed.

I'm shortly back on the hunt, and I want to go in well-prepared. *As we start having sex, I want her to tell me everything she likes, what her turn-ons are, what kind of things she likes to hear, to see, to feel etc.

But the thing is, how do I get the cogs in her brain turning? *Most people don't give much thought to what pushes them over the edge. *For example, I could ask her flat out, "What are your sexual fantasies?" *But I don't think this would be enough - if you asked ME that question, I'd say, other than the usual suspects (great body/face);

1) Know how/when to talk sexy, and dirty;

2) Sex outdoors;

3) Sex in a hotel room with the door open

4 Sex with a woman of high physical strength and energy;

5) She doesn't whimper, but screams.


Ok, I got to 5, but that's not much for someone who logged on at THIS site!! *I should be able to write 15 paragraphs at least. *

I just need a plan to tap into her innermost fantasies. *Does she long to be screwed without warning? * What kind of foreplay does she prefer? *Does she want me to wear a 'Gladiator' outfit? *What/who does she think about when masturbating? *How do I go about getting this from her? *Or better yet, how do I get HER to think long and hard about what she wants?

Maybe there's a comprehensive sex survey, about a hundred questions long ('Describe your ultimate sex partners physique') that I could put to her? *Now, the aim of all this, of course, is to improve our sex life. *Another important goal is that she'll become motivated to reciprocate my attention to her details, and develop a deep fascination for what rocks MY boat. *

How do YOU guys and girls get your partners thinking and talking about what they like?


JB.

[WallyLlama]

How do I get a woman talking about her innermost desires and fantasies?

I take the time to build a trusting relationship with her... to make her feel loved and accepted. I make sure she understands that my desires to know her more intimately do not include any hidden agendas and that I care enough for her total person that anything she tells me about her fantasies and desires is not going to change my opinion of her.

I let her reveal things about herself at a pace she's comfortable with... I may encourage her to share, but I don't demand it.

I pay attention to her and observe her reaction to the things I say and do. She doesn't have to tell me whether or not many things "feel good" as I can see it in her eyes and face and hear it in her breathing.

I know that human nature being what it is, we all have parts of us that will always be private and that is our right. It also contributes to healthy relationships. So I respect her right to choose not to tell me certain things.

If you've done all that and she still doesn't have much to say, I might be able to come up with a couple more suggestions.

It is a difficult topic to discuss and you're correct that many people probably haven't given much thought to what "pushes them over the edge." That's all the more reason to build a good foundation first.

[Jaybee]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (WallyLlama @ July 20 2004,03:38)]How do I get a woman talking about her innermost desires and fantasies?

I take the time to build a trusting relationship with her... to make her feel loved and accepted. I make sure she understands that my desires to know her more intimately do not include any hidden agendas and that I care enough for her total person that anything she tells me about her fantasies and desires is not going to change my opinion of her.

I let her reveal things about herself at a pace she's comfortable with... I may encourage her to share, but I don't demand it.

I pay attention to her and observe her reaction to the things I say and do. She doesn't have to tell me whether or not many things "feel good" as I can see it in her eyes and face and hear it in her breathing.

I know that human nature being what it is, we all have parts of us that will always be private and that is our right. It also contributes to healthy relationships. So I respect her right to choose not to tell me certain things.

If you've done all that and she still doesn't have much to say, I might be able to come up with a couple more suggestions.

It is a difficult topic to discuss and you're correct that many people probably haven't given much thought to what "pushes them over the edge." That's all the more reason to build a good foundation first.

Thanks, I've got foundation-laying covered, what I need help with now is how to spark the process of getting her describing what turns her on, and WHY, instead of her simply being aroused by a particular act/person/scenario etc without knowing why. *I can describe, in detail, why the above 5 items arouse me; I want to get her thinking and able to describe why her corresponding desires get her worked up.

Sexual introspection, if you will.

It's a reflective exercise too, I need to do it myself, after which I'll be better placed to help her do so, but I'm hoping others have a structured approach they use that I can adapt for our purposes.


JB

[Tessie]

Wow Wally that was a wonderful post! What a lucky lady you have. *


I have given a lot of thought to this myself lately. And I think that is what it takes. Thinking and questioning yourself on what does turn you on and why.

My fantasies are much more wrapped up in emotions and how I want to be treated more then where and how.

To be able to articulate them to my partner it does take trust that whatever you say will not be judged. I also don't think it works in many cases to just come out and ask "What are you fantasies?" Many might not know or know how to express them.

I think it would be better for you to have a sort of question/answer conversation in that you talk about all you can think of.

She might learn she does have a fantasy about something and didn't even realize it.

I like the idea of a sex survey. Perhaps you can make one up. I would do a google search on female fantasies also for some more insight into the way women think.

[Jaybee]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Tessie @ July 21 2004,07:26)]My fantasies are much more wrapped up in emotions and how I want to be treated more then where and how.

To be able to articulate them to my partner it does take trust that whatever you say will not be judged.

Sorry, I was approaching the issue from a left-brained perspective! *Not the best considering the subject is female...



I remember a boss of mine at work a few years ago (incidentally, a female one) asking me to do some work on a Police database, but before doing so, I'd have to pass a Police check myself, and ANY slight conflagration would have put my out of contention for this assignment. *She eased me into declining by saying that she herself had a court conviction for taking part in an anti-tax riot in 1990, so I shouldn't feel worried about having something on my record.

Perhaps the same tactic would work here - confess something to her that, on the surface, seems strange or laughable, but explain it in a matter-of-fact way, encouraging her to do likewise...


JB.

[WallyLlama]

A left-brained analysis of what your boss did might include "engaging the law of psychological reciprocity." That's a ten dollar phrase that basically says "if you treat a person a certain way, they are psychologically required to treat you in a similar fashion."

"You show me yours and I'll show you mine," is yet another precept.

Seriously, I think there's a lot to be said for revealing one's self to another as a way to feed intimacy.

Tess also makes some good points. I do think (most) women approach fantasy with more vagueness and feeling than guys do. For example, she might want to feel vulnerable and beautiful. It wouldn't necessarily occur to her that she should dress like a princess and you should should up in a knight's suit of armor.

That might also suggest that if you're going to suggest something, you make the effort to describe the feelings you're going for. If, for example, you're going to suggest leaving the hotel room door open, what's the point? How does it make you feel? (I'm not asking, just trying to give an example. LOL)

One of the great benefits of that approach is that you may find other activities that achieve the same things... and if she doesn't like what you've suggested, there may be alternatives once you've discovered you share a feeling.

At the same time, I'd caution against being too analytical. Sometimes we just do things 'cause they feel good.

[dragontears]

It's definitely a turn-on knowing your partners fantasies. To me it would be a turn-on just Knowing my partner wants to know them. I would make a little game about it, not super-serious, that might make her nervous and not want to share. The you tell me one, I'll tell you one sounds nice. Or, start a bedroom conversation like..."have you ever...thought this or done this..." I just think women love knowing their guy is sharing deep thoughts. You know, women love all that drippy 'emotional' stuff, *

[Jaybee]

I've consolidated what I think the concensus approach should be, given the replies to my query, and here's a very basic, elementary overview, with the the practicalities to follow later;

1) Earn her trust; achieve this by ensuring she feels loved, unconditionally accepted, and that anything she says or reveals will not reduce my esteem for her. *Maybe saying this out loud, a few times;

2) Remember that, in the scale of privacy, her innermost thoughts are the most intimate things she can share, and she may well give me access to her body before she gives me access to those thoughts;

3) Begin the process by revealing something about myself first, what turns me on, and WHY, possibly starting off with outdoor sex

4) To allow the process to unfold at HER pace, not mine. *To encourage her, in the true sense of that word, ie, give her the courage to articulate her feelings, making her feel she CAN open up, by opening up myself first. *To exhibit appreciation for new fantasies she discovers and explains.

5) To begin acting out when SHE begins to contribute to the drive to do - which, if the above 4 elements have been followed, shouldn't be too long...


Dragon - women do indeed love the drippy stuff, but we Geminis love sharing 'deep' thoughts - and I feel no thought is too 'deep' between two people who are in a sexual, committed relationship. *

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]To me it would be a turn-on just Knowing my partner wants to know them.

I find that very heartening, I'm glad someone else thinks so too. *You and I are going to get along famously, I see! *Thanks again for that.

Wally/Tess - I want to thank you both for your input, I've got the building blocks, thanks to you both, and I'll be sure to expand much further as the opportunity arises.

I'd be glad to read more on this!


JayBee

[dragontears]

Applauds JB--You are totally correct, no thought is too deep to share with someone you love, it makes me very happy that men think this way!!!!!!!

It seems like you have this very well thought out, and number two is very true especially! Very Very insightful of you!

Yes I think we will be getting along great! I'll be interested to know how things turn out for you!

[kathypully]

Ah! Very nice topic. I agree with Tessie. Lucky lucky lady, Wally. But then I have said this before.

Jaybee, and look who I have found here. How touching. You keeop thinking in those lines. Keep reaching out and taking others advice and you will have much pleasure yourself.

Listen to Wally. He is smart also. Kathy