Do you know who Chris Hansen is? Because unless you are in a state in which the age of consent is 16/17 you will probably be meeting him.

A relationship betwween you and an underaged girl is foolish. You could go to prison. And even if you are not dating someone who is "underaged" at 16/17 you are NOT the same person you will be in 10 years, let alone 4. And its always "she is mature for her age". That's great. But when maturity at an age here fart jokes are still considered oth a giggle, then that's not saying much.

Definitely can be dangerous as Ducy has stated. Once the younger party is over say 25 then a 10 year age gap isn't an issue. The younger you are the greater the "creepy" factor. Just think, when you graduated high school, she was graduating 3rd grade. Obviously you weren't hanging around the monkey bars picking up chicks. :)

I would gracefully end, just because it's too dangerous for either of you. You're at an age where lifestyles will be different (alcohol, tobacco, and their legality).

And Ducy, fart jokes are timeless! :)

Hello Chappy,

What have you been doing in the nearly two years since first joining SI101? Have you been reading any of the discussion threads? Have you been reading the articles listed in the Index? I ask because the matter of age has been discussed as recently as a few weeks ago.

I recommend reading this article: "Dating" and the Internet As written, the article addresses dating a person you have found on an internet site; however, the information pertains to all new relationships regardless of how you and the other person actually met.

> I have met a girl, the friend of a friend (we have a number of friends in common) - she is aged 16 currently and will be 17 next month. I really like her but am aware of the fairly extreme (nearly 10 year) age gap and that her age may cause some/a lot of disapproval. She is mature for her age as far as interests/outlook go and has numerous older friends

> We discussed the age gap thing and we are both comfortable

The trouble with these scenarios is that neither of you knows what you do not know. It's not about common interests or that your burgeoning relationship will be frowned upon by others. The matter is that she is a teenager and by definition, this is a decade long process of change--physical, emotional, physiological, etc., that take time to work their magic ultimately transforming a child into a (mature) adult. The age of majority or consent varies by country and by state within countries. If you have a romantic involvement with this girl, no doubt someone, parent or observer, will call you on the inappropriateness and that may result in you being charged with statutory rape! At the very least, a caring, concerned, parent should put a stop this this if you do not.

Common interests are fine; however, you have to understand that what is important is the maturity level, developmental level, and, experience with life that is so much more critical. You have had ten years to acquire these, she has just begun this journey.

Moreover and to the point, also, is that while she has gone thru puberty and can become pregnant, her body and bone structures are not yet fully developed and prepared for this eventuality without some potential difficulty and danger. Keep her as a friend if it works out since you have friends in common, but do not become emotionally or romantically involved.

Please read the articles that discuss the how-to's of dating and apply them to finding people in your age bracket. Use the methods discussed to help you succeed.

> We then decided to see each other but not to publicise the relationship until her Birthday(several weeks)

If only a few weeks, there is probably nothing inherently wrong; however, if you wanted to prolong secrecy then my question is "why"? Because you know such an age and maturity discrepancy is not good? Because other things are not right and proper to front your relationship to the world?

I shall be blunt. In a woman's eyes, by 'dating' a 16/17 year old girl, you are saying "I can't handle being an adult and I certainly am not man enough to handle a woman my own age." So while SHE may be 'mature', YOU are not.

My own view is that you are scared and therefore are chasing 'easy game' who will have pretty much just as much sexual/relationship experience as your own. Therefore no nasty thoughts of her comparing you to other guys.

Unfortunately, this 'dating' you have been doing will land you in prison, will get you onto the Sexual Offender List, and blast the rest of your chances for a decent, happy life all to H^$%. And I do not need to inform you of what you will become in prison.

Stop playing in the 'sandbox'.

Ok, so the sex offender aspect is out.

But you shouldn't worry what everyone else thinks. If you want to date someone then you date them. If someone else's opinion puts you off so much, then it really shouldn't happen. Either date her or don't. But what EEK so kindly said is honestly more on the money. Your going for a younger person. They're honestly less threatening. I personally find younger women to be completely "easy". I know for a fact that if the age of consent here was 16, I would probably wind up sleeping with A LOT of girls. Not to brag, its mostly true. Remember in high school how dating an "older" person was a big deal? Still a big deal, and that's why its easy>.

Dear Chappy,

First of all; I'm not against agedifferences. I believe age is basically just a number. People have personal characteristics and go through experience in life, which makes them love, learn, cope and change. And for each of us this will be different. It is why we have "old souls" and "young spirits". And personally; I've been in a relationship for nearly 4 years with a man who was already filling the shelves in a supermarket as a side-job next to his highschool, while somewhere on the other side of the country I was about to be born :rolleyes: I was in my early twenties, working a fulltime job and running my own household by the time we started dating. Still you could say; I'd be last to judge you.

BUT; there are a few quite important things that do worry me about you and her. Others have mentioned some of it and I'd like to elaborate on it:

She's 16, which means she could not be fully grown and developed physically. Off course; some girls are more developed than others, but I'm not only talking her breast-size here ;). I'm also talking everything that's still happening on the inside, including her bone structure. Making for example pregnancy a complicating factor.

Being 16 also means her brains are still developing. Particularly the part with the ability to oversee (long-term) consequences of your actions and to plan actions over the course of time. I know in few teens this is already highly developed and even at adult-levels. That's just excellent, because there's quite a chance by the time she's in her early twenties she'll be (high) above average. But; there's quite a chance she just really isn't capable to foresee consequences on such a mature level. And as long as she is not, it means on decisions you make together, you are taking responsibility for her. That's quite a responsibility to carry and not much healthy for a relationship.

Let's not forget about her emotional development as well. Granted; some teens have been through a lot in their short lives and few even through more than some adults ever will. And few teens have found more adult ways to cope, than some adults will ever find. But many teens have not, are still experiencing and learning how to deal with life. If that's so; sure you could be her support. Maybe she could learn from you- notice how this teacherrole could be an uncomfortable one. But at least make sure you're not carrying her. That's too heavy on you and you could be preventing her from learning things on her own (it's one of the tasks that are so hard to fulfill as parents).

And last but not least; don't forget about the world she lives in. Think of how the world of school, homework, nagging teachers and parents, curfews, etc, isn't so much the same world as yours? Where she has still rules to follow on clubs she can't enter or drinks she can't order (and perhaps thrills to break those rules), you are not. Her issue may be raising her allowance, while your issue is; how am I paying my rent this month? The things that bother her could seem insignificant compared to yours and likewise. Few teens are very capable of seeing the world through another's eyes and can be highly compassionate (a combination of mental and emotional development as mentioned above). It could even be she is very eager to escape the world she lives in. Which could make you more compatible, though you may want to keep a sharp eye that "drive" won't drive her away from school.

Notice that everything I've mentioned has nothing to do with what the world thinks about you. I'm only focusing on everything between you two. And usually I would say; don't care about what anyone else thinks. But with a 16 year old and still under parental guidance and responsibility, that could pose a problem...

Iow; I don't think you're a bad guy. Not at all. You seem genuine. But for her and your sake; don't let your head spin too fast on infatuation. So what I'd like you to consider is the equality of your relationship. It isn't right for either of you when one is taking the upper hand over the other. Which would make my advice: hang out with eachother for a while; quite some time actually. Find out all those things about her you now can't answer. Let her find out all those things about you. And really; her sexual experience is last on your list of need-to-know's.

Good luck and have fun! :)

Depending on where you live ,you could be in trouble even if she is of consensual age.I have to agree with RR here and the others also to a large degree.She may seem to be mature but in reality she is probably not,and to reiterate what RR said she is definitely not physically ready for a sexual relationship.

Last year I had a brain freeze,and did not think of the consequences of my actions.I did not think at all to be honest.What happened was that I slept with my 17 year old sons friend,also 17.I was 43 and as you can probably guess it never should have happened.He was staying over at our home one night,came into my room around midnight and asked me for sex.I said no,but he persisted until I gave in.He had previously indicated that he had fantasised about me and wanted a sexual relationship.I should not have let him stay over,and should have just nipped it in the bud.He was not mature,as he promptly went home and told his mother,it cost me my friendship with her.He also told my son and it got back to my mother who told me how very stupid I was.She didn't have to tell me that,I already knew how dumb I was,and although he was of legal age it was very wrong of me to have any type of sexual relations with him.

One night of stupidity could have got me into very hot water,I was extremely lucky that it didn't.My sons friend still visits,but I won't let him stay over any more and am careful not to get myself into that situation again.It might seem harmless but in reality it could cost you a lot more than you think.

I am not interested in younger men for several reasons.

They do not listen. In their twenties, they haven't yet been run over by life and still have odd notions of greatness in their heads esp when it comes to sex. Ducy may be correct about why - they're chased by teenagers eager to try their wings and achieve status by going out with an older guy. Although in this case, he's a sexual virgin.

They have little history. There's nothing there to explore really. He's in his twenties - so his conversation is about high school years, college years, perhaps a few relationships and a bit about his career to this point. While it is interesting to compare his years with how it was when I was his age - the interest soon wanes. They are usually far more straight-laced then I was back then. But then, I was rooming with returning Viet Nam vets going to college on the GI Bill. Gives one quite another perspective.

But a man in his 40's !! Ah, now there's a man worth cultivating! And he'll only improve as the years go on.

[QUOTE=happy chappy;274471]J[COLOR="bluek">ust for information, the age of consent where I live is 16. There are no legal aspects,but more social aspects.[/COLOR]

I thought as much judging from your statement, earlier. Please do not try to make the argument that legal equals OK. What I said, above, still applies. She is still a girl whose brain will not be fully developed until she is around 21. This fact alone should tell you that she is not yet your equal regarding development. The information in the article should make that quite clear. I do not know what the laws are in your country; but common sense should tell you that this is just not the right thing to do.

[COLOR="blue">I appreciate what Ducy and the rest of you have said about how much we change as people in those years. We thought waiting until her Birthday would give time for us both to gauge opinion of family and friends.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

You cannot speed up what Mother Nature has been requiring of us for eons.

-doc

LOL and he's also proving my point - he's NOT listening.

Just because you CAN does NOT mean you SHOULD.

The hallmark of being an adult is making rationally considered choices. He is at the age when he should be seeking a wife and setting up his household or, at the very least, seriously considering doing so. Moving on with his life and looking forward.

Yet, he's still "in high school" worrying about what other people will think of him/her and messing around with a younger woman who, ten years hence when she's finished her maturation process, will wonder what she had been thinking when she hooked up with him.

and asking him "Is this all there is?"