This is a pretty long post but it would help so much if a few people would read and tell me what they think.
I know there're various threads on this, but I have a few specific questions. My boyfriend and I have been together for a good few months, and have been having sex fairly regularly for the better part of four months (usually every weekend - we're still at school, so don't get to see each other outside of school during the week).
P.E. has always been there, but at first we assumed that it was simply because it was a first time thing for the both of us. However, it's been going on for longer than we expected, and now it's causing problems - he's getting very depressed about it, and now I am too because I feel like his depression is my fault because I'm unwilling to simply give up on sex... Kind of like I'm forcing him into something that's just making him upset.
It's getting to the point where he's unwilling to do anything physical with me at all whilst - call me shallow - I feel that the physical side of a relationship is very important.
I just have a few questions:
1) Why only sex? He lasts with anything else, but not sex, even after four months - I was reading about the stop start technique, and it mentioned something along the lines of doing it with a partner because we become more aroused together, but he's FINE with everything else. And he practices the stop start technique by himself anyway.
2) Why did it start again? We went on a break for a week (had a few big arguments - one of the problems was this) and it seemed to sort itself out for a while, and then it started again. He has been depressed and stressed recently and this did seem to coincide with the return of the PE - could this be the reason?
3) Would condoms help? We don't use them - I'm on the pill, and we're both each other's first sexual partners so there's no risk from STDs or anything nasty like that, but I've heard they can help with PE. We have tried them and didn't really get along with them (hence the pill) and he's not really up for trying any exercises or anything, so I was wondering if they would help at all?
Thanks so so much in advance.
There is some information which would be helpful:
What are you calling PE? Meaning how long can he last before he ejaculates? 1 minute, 10 minutes, etc.
1-You said he can last with "everything but sex". Does this mean he lasts longer during a BJ, Hand-job? Masturbation? Or he has endurance when he's jogging? Is the problem only during when you begin intercourse? If yes, then lots of foreplay before you begin intercourse so you feel as if you are just about there, then begin. Or have him get you finished and then go for intercourse.
2- You did not see each other after an argument for about a week then it began again; was it because he was masturbating while you were apart? Did the frequency of masturbation change for him? Or perhaps he lasted longer b/c he felt distant from you? It returned when you were comfortable together again, so you need ask him what is going on. Men get accustomed to their own touch and speed (alone) then when with a partner the sensations change and that can cause difficulty with him achieving orgasm. So, when you got together again maybe it just took him longer to get there?
3-Condoms may help because they decrease sensitivity, try them. Go with the thin types first and work up to the poly ones if needed. See if that helps.
***Also, remember you are both new to this; it can be to a high level of excitement being with you. Additionally, it does take men time to build stamina so they can last longer during intercourse.
If you have any more info. it would be helpful. Liked your topic...I read the stickies. Also did you read docs on the "gentle art of humping" (under new to sex)? Link:http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_sex/20641-intercourse_orgasms_the_ge...
He needs to read them to figure out how to work on it...you cannot fix it. Also, arguing over it will not help you two figure your sex life out, it makes it worse! :)
Thanks for replying so promptly :)
[QUOTE]What are you calling PE? Meaning how long can he last before he ejaculates? 1 minute, 10 minutes, etc.[/QUOTE]
Under a minute usually - so I would say it was definitely PE. It doesn't bother me a great deal because I love him to pieces, but it bothers him a hell of a lot, so that's where the problem is.
1. [QUOTE]Is the problem only during when you begin intercourse? If yes, then lots of foreplay before you begin intercourse so you feel as if you are just about there, then begin. Or have him get you finished and then go for intercourse[/QUOTE]
Yeah - the problem is only with intercourse. He lasts with BJs and hand jobs and masturbation too - he even does the stop start thing by himself. Regarding the point of more foreplay before intercourse - it seems to make the problem worse. That is, it's even quicker if I've been stimulating him before hand. How do you mean getting me finished before would help? Surely the problem of him coming too soon would still be there - the problem of satisfying him would surely still be there?
[QUOTE]was it because he was masturbating while you were apart? Did the frequency of masturbation change for him[/QUOTE]
I assume he was masturbating while we were apart, though this isn't exactly anything unusual - I know he masturbates anyway, whether we're together or not, so him masturbating more when we were apart wouldn't have made the PE go away, I don't think.
The thing with the week we had apart was that we were immediately comfortable with each other when we got back together again, and then it lasted (that is, the PE not being an issue) for about 2 weeks before the PE came back. As I mentioned, the PE returning coincided with him entering a period of depression and stress - could this be the cause? He's painfully self conscious.
3. Thanks I think we'll try condoms, then
[QUOTE]Additionally, it does take men time to build stamina so they can last longer during intercourse[/QUOTE]
I understand that everyone is different, but is there a general rule of thumb? As I said, we've been sleeping together for about 4 months and though it was both our first times I would have thought we'd have seen some improvement by now?
[QUOTE]Also, arguing over it will not help you two figure your sex life out, it makes it worse![/QUOTE]
God don't I know it ¬_¬
Thanks so much
xxx Maude xxx
Under a minute is pretty fast, try the condoms. Or try not stimulating him to the degree you do before you begin intercourse. Let him work on you more since the issue seems to be he has a high level of arousal before you start. Also, if he is hard try not really touching him and when you are aroused enough have him try intercourse--see what happens. Even try a "no touch" technique...meaning you do not touch him if he is hard, see if he can reach a level of arousal through intercourse which will lead to orgasm, then work at that until you develop a good timing for you both...
4 months is new and he may need to get a routine which works for him. It takes time and especially since you see each other so infrequently; it's not as if you are doing this each night, 7 days a week. Everyone is different but as a rule those who are new need time to build stamina and you need time as a couple to develop a routine which works well for you as a couple. Just let him know you love him and work on getting this fixed together! :)
Additionally, you can have him masturbate before he sees you (earlier that day) and see if this helps or try for round two after he finishes too fast. Wait a bit and when you are both ready start a second time. Another thing to try is, have him bring you to orgasm then have him penetrate you to achieve orgasm.
When you were apart, perhaps when you got back together maybe he was a bit nervous causing him to last longer!
Generally stress causes one to have difficulty becoming aroused & being able to orgasm. Give some of these a try, be enthusiastic, and see what happens!
And you are very welcome!;)
[QUOTE]Even try a "no touch" technique...meaning you do not touch him if he is hard, see if he can reach a level of arousal through intercourse which will lead to orgasm, then work at that until you develop a good timing for you both...[/QUOTE]
I will try this, but he's a stubborn bastard ¬_¬ - from his body language and the way he acts when we're doing things together, it's beginning to seem to me like he won't do anything with me unless I go for it. He's happy with and - according to him - loves doing stuff to me, but he seems to be getting to the point of avoiding doing anything with. If I didn't do anything to him, I don't know how likely it would be we'd actually get round to having sex. I will try it, though, see where it goes.
[QUOTE]Additionally, you can have him masturbate before he sees you (earlier that day) and see if this helps or try for round two after he finishes too fast.[/QUOTE]
Doing stuff together before (like me giving him head or a hand job first) then going onto sex does seem to help. But, similar to what I said above, it's getting to the point where he won't then go on to have sex afterwards for the fear (I think) of coming too quickly. This is especially true if we have sex first - if he comes too quickly the first time, then it's pretty much a guarantee we won't have sex again the whole weekend (or for however long we're together). I generally leave it up to him to ask if I want to have sex (the last thing I want to do is him feel like I'm being demanding), and once he comes too quickly then he won't ask and neither will I.
I whine :)
[QUOTE]Under a minute is pretty fast[/QUOTE]
xD - oh I like you already :)
If he lets you do what you want; see if he is game for being tied to the bed. Then allow him to touch you the way you want, or oral the way you want. You touch or do to him as you feel fit, or do what you feel is necessary to hold him off. Then you let him cum when you want.
Be careful, use pantyhose or something, be certain he is okay with it.:eek:
That is possibly the most amazing piece of advice I have ever heard xD
I'll see how things go - I don't know how up he is for trying different things. He's pretty unwilling to talk to me about this - he seems to think that ignoring it is the answer. I think it's the fact that it went away and now it's back that's the real kick in the backside.
Thanks for the advice though - very helpful, and it's nice getting this out to an unbiased party :)
You are welcome! Wait and bring out the panty hose or the silk ties...see how he reacts, seduce him! Good luck!
[quote] 1) Why only sex? He lasts with anything else, but not sex, even after four months - I was reading about the stop start technique, and it mentioned something along the lines of doing it with a partner because we become more aroused together, but he's FINE with everything else. And he practices the stop start technique by himself anyway. [/quote]
Squeeze & Training Exercise for Controling Premature Ejaculation
He lasts longer from a hand job probably because your technique of stroking does not quite match his and what he has come to rely upon since first learning to masturbate.
He lasts longer from oral stimulation because even though the amount of pleasure and level of arousal are much higher than what is needed to trigger an orgasm for much the same reason--that being that the pleasure derived from oral is not what it takes to trigger an orgasm. Consider these processes as "Y" shaped routes with the left leg of the Y much longer than the right.
This longer path is the route taken for oral stimulation. It can last longer and be vastly more pleasurable and intense. The right is what he needs to reach an orgasm, either by himself or from your skill at mimicing his technique.
* The start and stop technique works well, yet does not put a man in touch with the sensations he feels and needs to associate with a pending climax.
* Climaxing beforehand or at some point during love making works.
* Wearing a condom will definitely slow him down.
Your boyfriend's, self esteem and confidence has taken a big hit with his failure to maintain control. I urge the two of you read the link, above and work on mastering the exercise described. Once he can learn what sensations are associated with where he is along his arousal curve, then he will be better able to control his progress and timing. Feedback is also a necessary part of the process. Once he learns to associate where he is along his curve he can then give you cues on how to progress. Without feedback, you have no communication between the two of you so how in the heck can you do or not do what he requires?
I like Sera's suggestions regarding being tied and also her one on no touching. Used along with the Squeeze and being able to recognize his position along his arousal curve with respect to the trigger point of his orgasm should give him the much needed confidence and success he wants.
Thank you for the reply :) - seriously very good advice and a big help. I will definitely try to bring this up with him and try different things, along with getting him to read that article. I think it's now just a matter of getting him to try different things and not just give up on it - like I said, the impression I'm getting from him now is that he doesn't want to do anything with me for fear of things going wrong. Got to get over that first.
Thanks very very much for the sound advice though, from the both of you.
Here is a partial copy of a reply in another thread from a few days ago. What you are butting up against is his "Fragile Male Ego". As an educator, I run up against this all the time. He has to understand that no one learns to do a new task perfectly after being taught. Did he learn to ride a bicycle perfectly the first few times he sat upon one? How much practicing did it take before he stopped wobbling around the street and/or falling down? The same logic applies with this situation. So, let him know this and bolster his confidence with the little successes or even the foibles.
Making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. These acts evolve and are a continual process of exploration and learning in partnership. I understand that he wants to look good in your eyes, yet how unrealistic is this when he is learning something completely new and different? He's got to understand this and not be so critical of himself. (It's a guy thing...) What should peak his interest is the practicing that eventually makes this or that much better. Hint that you two need lots of practice! Hopefully, he will stop focusing on what he can't do well and enjoy having fun with all of this along the way.
"What she expects is confidence, regardless of your skill (notice I did not say: 'experience'). What you have to be willing to accept is that your "Fragile Male Ego" is getting in the way. It is the inner voice that says, "I'm not going to do this or that because I don't know how", or, "I can't do it well so why try", or, "since I don't know what to do, I won't try out anything for fear of doing it wrong or badly". I've related many times in many a thread two facts of life: One, that past experiences equate to knowledge, not skill; two, that each new pairing {relationship) will be somewhat different from a previous one because of a person's likes, dislikes, preferences, expectations, and so on."
* The start and stop technique works well, yet does not put a man in touch with the sensations he feels and needs to associate with a pending climax.
I forgot to add the following to my first reply:
Mastering the exercise described in in the original reply will give him the skill required to use the Start 'n Stop technique much more reliably.
It is a matter of degree whether you start 'n stop him, or, take him right on up the hill to the trigger point of his orgasm then pause. The two of you need to read all about the exercise because mastering it and putting him in touch with his feelings requires both of you.
Good luck. Got more questions?